condom practices

[AtomicA]

So, I'm dating this guy who is great. I'm hoping that it lasts for a long time but I have some questions for the greater world out there.

My boyfriend recently ended a 7 year relationship that was monogamous and neg/neg. As a result, he hadn't worn a condom in almost that long. We've been finding it very difficult to adjust, he just doesn't seem to enjoy wearing one and he certainly can't get off with one on. I know that so much rhetoric has been tossed around 'just using a condom' but if it were that simple, I know I wouldn't have HIV right now and neither would just about anyone who's contracted it in the last 20 years. The fact remains that condoms suck. like really suck. They take something that can feel like a mini super nova feel like it's just been injected with novacaine.

Now, i was talking to a  in Australia (also HIV+) and he tells me that he has been having unprotected sex with his boy friend, who is negative for almost two years as both the top and bottom. His strategy is to not cum inside him. his viral load, like mine, is undetectable which he seems to think makes things ok but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this.

A. his boyfriend is insane
B. How the hell is that possible?

I just read through leatherman's absolutely heart breaking series of posts which scared the living hell out of me and he says they were totally safe yet the worst still happened. How does everyone else broach the condom issue? when is it time to put it on? not to get to graphic, but is a little pressure at the back gate (if you know what I mean) first ok? or does the condom need to be on before his dick comes anywhere near my ass? is there anyway to make having sex with one feel more like having sex and less like rubbing your forearm? not to mention that I have yet to find a condom that doesn't hurt me as a bottom. It doesn't seem to matter how much or what kind of lube we use or what material the condom is made out of (latex or polyurethane) they always hurt and tear a little, to the point where I've noticed a tiny amount of blood afterwards which I know is super dangerous.

After I got past the gravity of having contracted a life threatening disease, the hardest thing to deal with was knowing that I was ball and chained to a condom for the rest of my life. Considering how much fun they truly take out of the experience of penetrative sex, asking someone to give that up for an entire lifetime just to be with me has always seemed like a huge sacrifice to expect.

People toss around the statement that they are always 'safe' with their partners, but according to my friend in Australia he is always safe with his because he doesn't ejaculate inside him and has an undetectable viral load. What exactly does 'safe' really mean then?

[BlueMoon]

I'm sure to get an argument over this, but there is no "safe" sex, only "safer".

For that reason, and also because I agree that condoms suck, I will have sex only with other HIV+ people.   

[fearless]

I totally empathise with you, AtomicA. I hate the things too. Unfortunately, I have no easy solution or hard and fast rules. I blow like the wind on this one. Like your Aussie mate, I know of a similar situation with mates, but also know of stories like leatherman's.
All I can suggest is discuss, discuss, discuss with your boyfriend and reach a decision you are both comfortable with.