Worried out of my mind Sex with HIV+

[Questions9080]

Let me start by saying I appreciate all the work that is done on the forum it is a really good resource for those who have valid concerns. My situation is: I had sex with a guy I meet. We had sex 3 times with a condom. The part that is scaring me is that I used lotion to lubricate the condom all three time we had intercourse. I know this is BAD. I know how important it is to use a water based lubricant for anal sex and for latex condoms. Anyways I always take my partners to get tested. I took the guy I was involved with to get tested and he tested poz. During the situation I was scared out of my mind for both him and I. I've been in a situation before when I had sex with a HIV+ guy used lotion for a lubricant and the condom remained intacted. I tested negative and that was 2 years ago. This situation has really scared me. My questions are:

1. Should I be worried? what is my risk seeing that our condom didn't break?

2. I really want pursue a relationship with this guy because I like him a lot but my anxiety and maybe lack of knowledge about HIV scares me.

Any advice is greatly appreciated,

Questions9080

[jkinatl2]

Let me start by saying I appreciate all the work that is done on the forum it is a really good resource for those who have valid concerns. My situation is: I had sex with a guy I meet. We had sex 3 times with a condom. The part that is scaring me is that I used lotion to lubricate the condom all three time we had intercourse. I know this is BAD. I know how important it is to use a water based lubricant for anal sex and for latex condoms. Anyways I always take my partners to get tested. I took the guy I was involved with to get tested and he tested poz. During the situation I was scared out of my mind for both him and I. I've been in a situation before when I had sex with a HIV+ guy used lotion for a lubricant and the condom remained intacted. I tested negative and that was 2 years ago. This situation has really scared me. My questions are:

1. Should I be worried? what is my risk seeing that our condom didn't break?

2. I really want pursue a relationship with this guy because I like him a lot but my anxiety and maybe lack of knowledge about HIV scares me.

Any advice is greatly appreciated,

Questions9080

Condoms are designed to fail catastrophically. Yours didn't fail. Ergo, you had no risk for HIV.

If you are interested in pursuing a relationship with this guy, then perhaps you could be honest about your fear of HIV and suggest you take it slow until you have been tested together once, then again three months after entering a mutually monogamous relationship. Of course, while you do that, you ought to learn more about HIV and overcome your fear of it, either on your own or through counseling.

Or, you can go the reverse direction, seeing as you have already had intercourse. You could overcome your fear of HIV, develop a trust in condom use (and get some condom-friendly lubricant) and continue to see this person, with sex involved, and see where it goes.

This isn't a relationship advice forum, but once you initiate intercourse as part of your paradigm, it's not easy to put that particular genie back in the bottle. As you work through your fear of HIV (respect it, learn how to avoid it, but don't fear it) you might want to reconsider sexual intimacy until such time as you are comfortable getting tested together.

I can help with the learning part.

Use a condom (correctly) for anal and vaginal intercourse and you will avoid HIV. It really is that simple.

[Questions9080]

Thanks for you advice and help with this situation. I will consider the things you mentioned. Does frottage( me rubbing my penis against his anus not penetrating) carry any risk?

[jkinatl2]

Thanks for you advice and help with this situation. I will consider the things you mentioned. Does frottage( me rubbing my penis against his anus not penetrating) carry any risk?

Nope. Only penetrative anal and vaginal sex.

[Ann]

Questions,

Now that your new friend and potential partner knows he's hiv positive, he can get the medical attention he needs. So while I find your statement of "I always take my partners to get tested" a little creepy, you may have done this man a big favour.

If and/or when he goes on hiv treatment*, once he achieves an undetectable viral load and sustains an UD VL for six months, provided he has no other active STIs he is very unlikely to transmit his virus to you, say in the case of a broken condom. There's a whole new "treatment as prevention" paradigm these days - because it works.

*In the US, many newly diagnosed people are put on meds ASAP. This treatment protocol varies in other parts of the world, but more and more places are adopting this protocol, partly because the newer meds are so much easier to take, with fewer side-effects, and partly because of the "treatment as prevention" good news.

Condoms also work as prevention and have been proven to prevent hiv infection, regardless of the poz person's VL. There have been three long-term studies of couples where one is positive and one is negative. In the couples who used condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, but no barrier for oral activities, not one of the negative partners became infected with hiv. Not one.

Please make sure you read through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use them correctly and with confidence. If you do not have water-based lube available, using spit (or even plain water) is MUCH better than resorting to hand-lotion or any other product that may contain oil/petroleum products. Saliva is NOT infectious, so it doesn't matter if you use his spit, your spit, or a combination of both.

Last but not least - take the time to read some of the Lessons found elsewhere on this website. Please also introduce your friend to this website - he's going to need the support and experience of those of us who have been there, done that, and this forum is an excellent place for him to get the support he needs.

Good luck with your new relationship and learning (together, perhaps) about hiv, and as Jonathan so aptly said; "respect it, learn how to avoid it, but don't fear it." There are many poz/neg relationships out there who are very happy, have full sex-lives, and have been together for years with the negative partner remaining negative. You can do it too.

Ann

[Questions9080]

Ann,

Thanks so much for your advice. You have given me the courage and reassurance to continue a friendship and possible relationship with this guy I care about.

Thank you!! 

[Ann]

Questions,

You're welcome! That's what we're here for.

Ann


PS - 90% of sexual arousal is due to what is going on inside your (big) head. I'm telling you this because some people find condoms to be a bit of a turn-off, but it doesn't have to be that way. You can find imaginative, sexy ways of incorporating the act of putting the condom on into your foreplay. You can make them sexy.