its getting harder for me

[snoofle]

i accidentally posted this same thing under my very first posting:

i already posted a little bit of my story that im a negative girl in a relationship with a positive boy and we've been together for over three years now but i only recently found out about his status. anyways, lately ive been really really bogged down mentally, spiritually, even physically at times by everything going on. ive been going to therapy sporadically since i found out abt him in december, but it doesnt seem to help my feelings of hopelessness. and iits not just his HIV thats making me feel so bad. His parents both died from AIDs, so his only immediate family are his two younger sisters and lately his 18 yr old sister has been upsetting me in such a bad way that its just hard to describe. its gotten to the point where i just cant stand to be around that family (meaning all three of them in the same house) and i absolutely hate having to visit him at his house because of these feelings and having to see his sister. i know that some of this pain is coming from his sisters immature behavior just bc i know that being in a relationship with someone doesnt just mean you're in a relationship with just them, but you are usually in a relationship with their family (at least thats how it is in eastern indian cultures) and if the family relationship sux, then a romantic relationship will suffer too. so as of now, ive been feeling sooo upset combined with stress from him, stress from school, my own family stress, and every other negative feeling that ive asked him to leave me alone until i figure out what i need to make me happy again. but then on another note asking for this "me time" has made me feel so awful and guilty, bc i know hes still really sick and still fully recovering from his HIV meningitis, and he can barely walk bc he had back surgery in january so hes only now gaining some mobility back, but i know that im probably useless as a positive support when im feeling so depressed about everything. as of today, we havent spoken in two days, which is the longest since i found out about his status. but no matter what i do and no matter how i try to justify my feelings i still cant help feeling like crap 

[water duck]

Perfectly normal, you are 'burnt out' go take a break , then

COME BACK AND TAME THIS BEAST

[Andy Velez]

It's not your job to save anyone. You don't have to SOLVE anything. The best thing you can do for your bf and all concerned is to take good care of yourself.

You're allowed to have all of your feelings. That doesn't mean necessarily telling everything to your bf or anyone else, but at least knowing and accepting them yourself.

If your bf is well enough to have some conversation, you might talk privately with him. See where he's at about things. It might be an opportunity for you to express some of what's going on with you as well.

Are there any AIDS service organizations in your area? If there are, talking with a professional there might be helpful for you. Believe me, your reaction is one that I often hear expressed.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

Cheers, 

[Tashana]

Girl,
Let us be honnest. That what we are all doing around here is far away from having fun. That the poz people here are nice, (life-positive, educated, with lot of humour, sensible, strong, ready to fight to have as much as they would like nice life, on the one line), and us, who do want to share our life's with them, is our strong decision. Please, if you can not live with it, it is much better for you, and your bf to leave. He needs much love, strength, and support. You,... you need love, strength and support. Both of you deserve truth. Love is all around us. All we have to do, is to find the right way to get it, and to learn to give it. You are young. There is much more things to learn about....

Whatever you do, we all are with you! 100%.