A Final Goodbye to Eric

[CaptCarl]

   I came from a small family, having only one sibling. My brother Eric, who is a bit more than a year older than me. Over the years, our relationship has had it's ups and downs. Mostly downs though. As I grow older, I have become increasingly incapable of dealing with fucked up people and their bullshit. And to this end, I have decided that our relationship must come to an end. I no longer even want to try to maintain any kind of communication with him.

   It was an easy decision really, because in my heart any brotherly love I have had for him has been dead for some time now. He is an mean-spirited person, and the only thing in life that seems to give him pleasure is the act of upsetting the people around him. Mostly he focuses on my mom, and he's gotten quite good at it over the years, but I get to share the love every time we speak on the phone as well. I have always hoped that if I just tried hard enough, that he would realize what a complete and utter asshole  that he is. But as we all know, this will never happen. If by the age of 46 he hasn't snapped, then he likely never will. It's kind of like the battered wife who keeps going back to her husband thinking that he will finally realize the error of his ways and be magically transformed by the power of love. In the movies this happens a lot, but here in reality it's a different story. How can someone be transformed by love, when they are incapable of feeling it?

   I have talked to the folks about this decision. Mom was fine with it, understands completely. She wishes that she were capable of doing the same thing. Quite frankly so do I. I understand that being a parent, it is not easy to  just give up on a child. But when that child becomes your worst enemy in life, at what point do you put a stop to it? How many decades must pass, and how much hurt must be suffered before you can walk away? My father on the other hand was upset and a bit angry about it, and by the end of the call to him, I was lying telling him that it wouldn't be permanent, that I just needed time. He relaxed after that, He is one of these people that think that just because someone is family, that you have to stick by them no matter what. Needless to say I disagree...

   So I decided to make it official. I have built a small wooden box, I guess it is representational of a coffin. I have put a few pictures of the two of us together as  kids in there, and have begun writing out the memories, both good and bad, that I have of the two of us to put in there as well. I was originally thinking of burying it to symbolize the death of our relationship, but have changed my mind about that. I think instead that I will burn it. Fire seems more purifying, more of a true release than the slow decay burial would bring. So fire it is.

   I feel nothing but good about doing this. The only regrets here really are not mine. I do regret that all of my efforts to be a good brother were not met on the other end. I regret that it does have to come to this, but I can also be comfortable in knowing that I tried my best. And as long as I know that my conscience will  be at peace with this decision. The final regret is that I wasted over 30 yeas trying to have a good relationship with someone who clearly doesn't want one. I am hoping that tomorrow night will be the night for this. I've not been to a funeral in a long time.

  I won't be wearing black. I won't be crying. I wish him well in life, I just no longer want to be a part of it in any form.

  Goodbye Eric, good luck with the rest of your life.

  Thanks for listening everyone..


CaptCarl

[bocker3]

Carl,

We don't get to choose our family, but we DO get to choose how much we keep them in our lives.  Sounds like you have done all you can and that this is a step you haven't rushed into.  I'm sorry it got to this -- I have 3 brothers myself and we've never been particularly close despite my efforts. 
I hope this gives you a sense of peace and closure.
You didn't ask for any, but I'm going to give one piece of advice, if I may......   You said that there were some good memories -- try and hold on to those.  They exist and they are real -- if you think of Eric, try and have it be those thoughts.

Hugs,
Mike

[Matty the Damned]

Uncle Carl,

I'm glad you've been able to make the right decision for yourself.

MtD

[anniebc]

Dear Carl

As sad as this is I agree with Matty, you have made the right decision, life is too short to be bogged down in BS.

Big hugs
Jan

[red_Dragon888]

Baby, I am the oldest of three boys and hard as I tried, my younger brothers and I just can't get along.  I had gave them five minutes and then Fuck-em.  I can't make them love me nor like me, but I can love myself enough to stay away from negative people even if they are family.  I had to call the police on the middle asshole for he thought he could bully me into a fight.  Not that I couldn't kick his ass if I had to, but I am too old for kid games. 

To the point, you can't change anyone but yourself and you choose those you want to be around as friends.  I have already distance myself from them and I am the happier for it.  This ain't no "Leave it to Beaver" life so I'll just go on living my life as I see fit and away from them.  I realize that they my think that no matter what we are family, but I love and respect myself too much to be knocked down by immature babies that seems to live in the past and not grow up.

[Hellraiser]

My father and I do not get along.  As a result I let him into my life only peripherally and at intervals.  He has a tendency to be self-absorbed and while I love him I can't deal with him on a continual basis.  So the best thing for our relationship is to communicate infrequently.  I know this even if he doesn't and I keep him at arm's length.  He's 60 and he isn't going to change.  As much as I would like to have the kind of father some others have this is the hand I've been dealt and so I'll play it.  I hate when people are put into these awkward situations but if you feel this is necessary then I'm sure this is not some decision you arrived at easily.

[skeebo1969]

  Hey Carl, I read this yesterday and it reminded me of the relationship I had with my sister.  I also had to make the decision to cut her existence in my life.  It was hard, and I won't bore you with details, but honestly there is only so much deceit and lying one can take from someone you feel you should trust.

  I agree, they do make the decision easy for you, but getting there sure is painful.

  Much respect Carl...

[BT65]

Congrats, Capt., on making the best decision for your emotional freedom from this person.  I have a similar situation with my brother, and you have given me something to think about.
  Luv,
Betty

[Queen Tokelove]

As you can see, you're not the only one who has fam members that you cut out of your life. I have a sister like your brother. I have love for her because she is my sister but as a person I don't like her much at all. For some reason she is jealous of me, I believe it is because of our complexions. I know it sounds petty but that is how she is. I can't help that I am light skinned and she is dark skinned but she uses that as an excuse to put me down to whoever will listen. It use to upset me but after awhile I just got tired of it all. There is only so many times a person is willing to turn the other cheek before one ends up bending over giving you a cheek to kiss, feel me?

[Andy Velez]

The late Marya Mannes, who first became famous decades ago for writing an essay, "Latin Men Are Lousy Lovers," also opined on a talk show, "Family is a MONSTROUS institution.

By the way, a Latin guy challenged her to a duel over that article.

Carl, I don't think you wasted those years on your brother. You were being true to who you are and that is something to be glad about. That he wasn't  up to responding in a loving way is for sure very disappointing. You gave it your best shot. Angels can do no more. Now you've done the smart thing by realizing enough is enough and deciding no more and to get on with your life.

There are those here and elsewhere who can appreciate what you have to give.

Cheers.

[Oceanbeach]

Captain, my Captain,

Coming from a family that really put the FUN in dysfunctional and telling others that I am an only child, I applaud your decision.    Have the best day
Michael
(who knows the value of the correct sunblock)

[CaptCarl]

Thanks Everyone...
   I know that in my Heart of Hearts I did the right thing, and yes Bro. did make it easier by just being himself. But it is nice to get the feedback and validation that you all have given me on this subject. Again, thanks all.

CaptCarl

[Merlin]

Relationships/ties only has so much clout as if they as so much earned it. Nothing more/less.
Negatives In, Negatives Out.
Be happy with anyone or anything that keeps you always in a good state. You owe it to yourself. 

Good choice Carl. Now start living. Blessed be ! 

[tednlou2]

I have an uncle who I've had to cut out of my life.  He has been an alcoholic for years.  Like me, he is gay, so we use to hang out.  He was constantly jealous of anything good that happened for me.  When I got a new car, he had a fit.  He would be jealous of my boyfriends and regular friends.  He would always be rude to them.  He played so many mind games.  There are other horrible things he did that I won't go into.  I will just say he did things that were totally inappropriate and gross for a family member to do.

About 5 years ago, he started using meth.  This started after my mom got injured at work and came into a large sum of money.  He became so jealous and that is when all the big trouble started.  He would call and harass her demanding money.  He became totally crazy and would call me at all hours accusing me of some wrong towards him.  Nothing was ever his fault.  Everything bad was the fault of others.  He actually went to Harvard but never did anything with that education.  He blamed it on others.  So, 5 years ago, I stopped having contact with him.  It was sad because he was the only family I had here in Louisville until my brother moved here.  He recently called me leaving several messages about how awful I've treated him.  I had done so much for him as had many others.  No one could get him to do anything for them. 

He refuses to admit his faults and apologize.  I think when a relationship is so toxic, you do have to let the person go.  I know he and my dad were messed up by the way they were raised.  They had alcoholic parents and didn't have good lives.  I think growing up very poor caused him to be jealous of others and messed him up.  He is only happy when others are worse off than he. 

[red_Dragon888]

Funny, I have an Uncle on my mother's side that I stay away from for there is bad blood between him and my mother.  He is not gay, just crazy.  His father’s dilemma, granddad, was an alcoholic and a womanizer while his mother, grandma, was stern and may have been abuse physical and psychology by her husband.  Oh yeah, his father, my grandfather, was murdered by his outside son out of jealousy for his legitimate family.  I can only assume that my grandfather children were just teenagers or younger when he died.  No one likes to talk about it. 

However, it maybe mundane to repeat, but like the old saying goes, "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." 

It sounds like you are feeling guilty for not having a better relationship with your Uncle, well, do not be, for if his actions are what you say they are, then stay away.  Alcoholic parents may breeds unstable and problem children, although, some children come out successful, others will endure the most of the negative effects of the illness.  They will carry the “Cross” as they say and may never recover from the trauma.  Your Uncle sounds like that he has the dark side of the illness and he maybe a lost cause.  If you are religious, prayer for him, if you are not, hope for the best for him, if you want to be constructive, have an “encounter group” for him, or just tell him he needs professional help, but in the end, he must want to help himself. 

You are still young and yet you are dealt with allot of drama that "Leave it to Beaver" would cower from.  Just put on your "Superman Cape," and know you cannot save the world, for that the way life is.   

[mecch]

  It was an easy decision really, because in my heart any brotherly love I have had for him has been dead for some time now. He is an mean-spirited person, and the only thing in life that seems to give him pleasure is the act of upsetting the people around him. Mostly he focuses on my mom, and he's gotten quite good at it over the years, but I get to share the love every time we speak on the phone as well. I have always hoped that if I just tried hard enough, that he would realize what a complete and utter asshole  that he is. But as we all know, this will never happen.

Its really sad to deal with a super bad seed in the family but you are correct to protect yourself if there is never any good in the relationship.

[lforsyth]

Not an easy decision at all but I had to do the same with my Brother who was 13 months older than me and his daughter. Before my Mom died she told me that my Brother and Niece thought that because I own my own home I should get anything. When he died my Niece put everything in locked storage and did not give me any support when I asked for it. At his funeral she said that if anything happened to me I should sign a quite claim deed handing everything over to her.  That's when I decided to created my Trust and leave everthing to an organization here that supports AID's and the Gay Community in Pheonix.

My Uncle passed away and I only asked her to let the family know what happened but she couldn't be bothered. So someone found a list that my Uncle kept and I made the calls to let them know.  That was the second of three times she was very rude to me and I decided that I had enough especially after she decided to get divorced and came to me asking for $1,000.00 and going on about how lonely she is now.  She has three girl friends and three children about to graduate high school.  She's been calling every day and leaving text and voice messages but I just don't answer the phone or return messages.

Weird how everyone thought I was going be go years ago but I've buried almost everyone one way or another.

Your all correct that we don't get to choose our Family but that doesn't mean that they automatically have a place in our lives. I know my Dad loved me and he's the only one I miss of the lot. I guess I too needed some confirmation of my choices in this matter.

Thank you for the topic. 

[red_Dragon888]

It is funny how, when I get older, things get weirder. 

People get greedier, nastier, and meaner, and worst of all they thing they are in the right for their paranoid minds have gone over the edge.  Well, I can't help that, so "Live and Let Live."