POZ Community Forums
HIV Prevention and Testing => Do I Have HIV? => Topic started by: Zorin on May 13, 2013, 05:31:07 pm
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Hi all,
First of all, thanks to everyone who offers insightful advice and support inherent, it is a huge help.
Mine is probably a familiar concern and I should say from the outset I am an anxious person and have suffered generalised anxiety disorder, which in the past had led me to believe I must be hiv+ in spite of playing safe.
That said, I've just last week had a test after finding out someone I was exposed to in early January is +ve. Since my exposure 19 weeks ago I've been in perfect health and have shown no seroconversion symptoms, but I am extremely nervous and am now this week experiencing the usual physical symptoms of anxiety (sleeplessness, disassociation, withdrawal, sweating). Sometimes i wonder whether some people misread physical symptoms of anxiety as seroconversion symptoms.
My results are due by next Monday. What happened was this: I've steadily become more attracted to a guy I've known for 10 years. I was always more interested in h than him in me, so when we started to get intimate in January I was over the moon. I had asked him if he was -ve and he assured me he was. Nonetheless, when we got physical I was cautious and always rubbered up. Apart from on one occasion, when I went from rimming him to 'dipping' him for a minute. I pulled out and washed off, then applied toilet tissue to absorb moisture. I also then kept my foreskin back and exposed my penis to air for a good while. I am uncircumcised so feared micro abrasions under the foreskin could allow in sti or std infections.
Anyway, after this we stopped any physical activity and last week I discovered he is +ve after I saw a bottle of haart tablets in his bathroom. I felt guilty about seeing the tablets so didn't ask him about them, but I did ask if anything we'd done unsafe in January might have exposed me to anything. He avoided answering and stopped contact, until today when he asked me to buy him a new phone. Aside from my feelings of guilt, remorse and anger I also feel betrayed. Note to all: never believe someone's claim they're negative!
Although my results are only days away I was wondering what the chances are of 1 contracting hiv from the one brief exposure and 2 the likelihood of developing hiv without seroconversion symptoms. My doctor assured me I'd have had very bad symptoms by now, but they might have seemed a flu.
All the best to everyone who supports or uses this site. It is a brilliant resource.
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I should have added I tested -ve before getting intimate with this guy.
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You had no risk. Your sex was protected and as the Insertive partner your risk was minimal in any case. The fact that your positive partner was on HAART makes it extremely unlikely that you would have been infected even if you had engaged in bareback sex.
You need to understand these things because they flavor my next bit of text.
Your feelings and bias regarding HIV provide a compelling reason why your partner did not tell he was positive. You liked him and were "over the moon" and now you feel betrayed and perhaps even angry. Certainly I get the feeling that you are unlikely to pursue further relations with this guy. You gave him absolutely zero I centime to be forthcoming and every reason to not disclose - despite the fact that neither of you did anything remotely risky. The dipping you mentioned is only theoretically risky if the top is positive, has a high viral load, and exudes pre-ejaculatory fluid into the bottom.
Thus guy is on HAART. Which means his virus is under control if not totally undetectable - a reasonable thing to talk about it A) he had been honest and B) if, after seeing his pill bottle, you had been honest about your concerns. Obviously if you phrase it like "are you HIV positive because if so there's not going to be physical intimacy because I have a fear of HIV that borders on the irrational" you've pretty well thrown down a gauntlet.
Not condoning someone's dishonesty. Simply remarking that you gave him no incentive to be honest. Maybe if you had expressed your fear if HIV he would have realized that intimacy of any sort with you would be fraught with peril. So perhaps next time leading with the abject importance of your partner's serostatus, you can both be spared unnecessary grief.
Or you can engage in therapy and attempt to overcome your fear of medicated, co trolled HIV.
At any rate, you had absolutely no risk in the events you described and do not need to test.
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Thanks jkinatl2, I really appreciate your advice. I think I misrepresented what happened with him - I was over the moon when he was physically attracted to me, not when he said he was -ve. The reason I'd asked him if he was -ve was because he wanted to BB. I don't know when he commenced haart, but what you say about my attitude is right. In the UK in the 80s terrifying adverts were used to portray hiv as a death sentence. We are still living with that misconception now. What has made many people play safe had also reinforced a stigma and misconceptions. I'm glad you've made me think more about that.
I should get back in touch with him and try to make up.