feel as thow I don't know my own body any more

[PozJeepGuy]

In the past I have always felt very in-tune to my body.  Starting to feel like a hypocondreact.  I'm not the kind of person to run to the doctor, but I'm tired of feeling like crap.  I know some of this as to be depression and really trying to ask myself is this in your head or are you really feeling like crap.  Still experiencing alot of nausea and now I have had diarrhea for a week.  Six month es ago I felt like I was in the best shape of my life, since i have been diagnosed I haven't worked out.  I continuously feel so tired and just can't get enough sleep.  My consentration level is at a all time low.  I feel so dehydrated and my skin is cracking from it.  I am having a really hard time seeing around the corner.  Is this normal, or at least common.  I was going to a support group but I was the only one recently diagnosed and just feel like I can't relate to what others are going threw, not to mention hearing what all others have been threw scares the living hell out of me.  Yes I know what one person goes threw isn't what we all will go threw but just knowing those things are possible makes it hard to sleep at night.  Does one ever really make peace with this, or is the term THE NEW NORMAL really going to become apart of my everyday life.

[tednlou2]

I'm glad you posted this.  I was thinking about making a similar post.  Since my diagnosis 2 years ago, I feel I have come a long way.  But, I'm still having many issues.  For the most part, I feel it is anxiety and depression causing most of my problems.  I think anxiety is often there even when I don't feel like I'm having anxiety.  It makes me feel sick and rundown. 

Right now, I'm on a trip to S. Florida.  Some may remember the anxiety I had last year when I came here after Christmas.  I get all this anxiety when I travel.  I have these fears that something will happen to me far from home.  Maybe if I were on meds, I would feel more confident.  I feel like a hypochondriac most of the time.  I'll have a pain in my right side and think HIV is doing something to my liver.  Or, I'll have a shooting pain in my head and think HIV is doing something to my brain.  Right now, my throat is all red and I have what looks like a tomato seed on my tonsil.  My voice is going in and out.  Maybe I caught something on the plane, but I actually think stress brought it on.  I've noticed when I'm under stress, it always seems to affect my throat and I'll get a spot on my tonsil. 

So, for 2011, I have got to take the depression and anxiety more seriously--seeing someone on a regular basis and getting on a good depression med.  This is no way to live.  I'm tired of HIV controlling my thoughts all day long.  Don't get me wrong, I can still have good times, laugh, and all that.  However, I just don't feel my old self where I was very outgoing.  It is hard to explain.  I feel like there is this fog and I just don't feel the same.  It is the classic symptoms of depression.  When you have depression (at least for me), it affects so many things.  I've noticed even little things like how I use to enjoy the smell of Spring or the smell after a hard rain.  Those things don't have the same feeling for me.   So, I think maybe you're experiencing depression of your own.

[PozJeepGuy]

My question is do most of us go threw this.  does any one agree with the fact we did this to ourselves. Therefore I be live that may me I do deserve to be punished.  If I would have worn a condom none of this would be happening.  Its by my fault I'm am where I'm out.  With that said I'm tried of beating myself up over all this.  Who out there can say they don't let it get to them anymore, they have come to terms with and help some of us out that just can't seem to find our way past the hate and get back to a somewhat normal life.

[Hellraiser]

My question is do most of us go threw this.  does any one agree with the fact we did this to ourselves. Therefore I be live that may me I do deserve to be punished.  If I would have worn a condom none of this would be happening.  Its by my fault I'm am where I'm out.  With that said I'm tried of beating myself up over all this.  Who out there can say they don't let it get to them anymore, they have come to terms with and help some of us out that just can't seem to find our way past the hate and get back to a somewhat normal life.

You can live your life with the specter of past deeds and "what could have been..." on your mind, or you can move along and find happiness and acceptance.  I honestly don't think about it that much anymore.  Instead I focus on work, my love life, my hobbies and my friends/family.  I mean we were all dying the minute we were born, but you don't see people always focusing on their imminent demise, right?  Everyone at some point in life contemplates their own mortality, but it seems like this virus hammers the point home at a younger age.  Live your life without focusing on this disease (which is now a lot more tolerable than it once was).  The onus is on you to change your perception of the whole ordeal however.

[mecch]

Well eventually you will chill out but it might help the recovery if you go back to exercising. 

[GSOgymrat]

Who out there can say they don't let it get to them anymore, they have come to terms with and help some of us out that just can't seem to find our way past the hate and get back to a somewhat normal life.

Here are some strategies that have worked for me:

- Accept that HIV is a medical condition. It's not a curse, it's not a blessing. It is just a medical condition and you should treat it as such. Other people may not treat HIV as a medical condition but other people are often ignorant.
- Yes, you screwed up. You should have worn that condom, not shared the needle or whatever. Everyone screws up: the person who is on their phone when they should be driving, the person who eats too much fatty food, the person who buys things they can't afford, the person who treats the ones they love poorly. Forgive yourself, forgive others, learn from the experience and adapt because you WILL screw up again.
- Are you sick today? Do what you need to do to take care of the illness, depression included. Are you not sick today? Make a list of things to accomplish and get to it. Worrying about things you have no control over is a complete waste of time and energy. Either find a way to work on the problem or let it go.

[wonderful1]

PozJeepGuy,

I don't come to this forum to respond to posts like yours. Personally I am here to share and read research info mostly.

But your post stood out to me. Yes, I am in the same HIV boat as you. And yes I am over it. Someone close to me always said the following when she would hear a sad story or if someone or me was being a bit whiny or complaining, (not that I am insinuating you are):
"That's a sad story. Someday you will look back and laugh at it. The sooner the better!"

As some others have said here, get on with it. You're numbers are great and you are healthy. Get some help for your depression and move forward. There are others in worst shape then you with all kinds of diseases. That's my tough love two cents.

Happy New Year... and make it that...a Happy New Year. Start today.

[PozJeepGuy]

First let me start by saying thankyou all for your time.  I hear everyone say and even in my personal life you will get threw this, I understand that and I do believe that but it doesn't change where I'm at.  I'm not trying to whine just trying to adjust to it all (melds, weird little feelings I haven't felt before, and the whole mental side of this).  I don't want to talk to my friends or family about any of this because they get this worried or concerned look on their faces and I feel as thow I have put them all threw enough all ready because of the decisions I made.  Sometimes it just helps to let it out.  I really am looking for answers.  Someone said working out, another said make list, these are the things I'm looking for.  I am 35 and I have spent most of my adult life in a relationship.  I got infected by a ex who lied.  When I found out I was poz. I told him and my family and so on because I just don't want secrests in my life, his response... Well you might want to be open about it but I don't want no one knowing my business so he refuses to tell me his status.  I don't feel alone in life but i feel alone in this whole HIV process.  I do come here looking answers to melds question, on treatment, how others deal, but most of all for support and just not to feel alone on this front.  Once again thankyou all for listening.  (and letting me get this crap off my chest)
OH, can anyone give advice on how to load your pic.  The one thing I am sure about in all this is I'm not hiding it.  I did nothing wrong except trust the person I loved (OK still kinda care about him its a love hate thing)

[GSOgymrat]

I don't feel alone in life but i feel alone in this whole HIV process.  I do come here looking answers to melds question, on treatment, how others deal, but most of all for support and just not to feel alone on this front.  Once again thankyou all for listening.  (and letting me get this crap off my chest)

I don't talk about HIV a lot but it is good to know I can come on here and share experiences and get support from people who can relate. We are not alone in this.

[PozJeepGuy]

Thanks man, it really does help.  When I talk to my friends or family (non of which are poz) they just can't relate.  On here I know that you guys do get it even thow you might not be where I am at but I know you get it.  For me theres alot of comfort in that.

[leatherman]

OH, can anyone give advice on how to load your pic. 

you can't directly link to a picture on facebook. FB doesn't allow it (too much of a hit on their servers)

the easiest and best thing to do is set up an acct at http://photobucket.com
then upload your pix to photobucket; get the "direct url" code; post here in your profile (or in a thread, pm, etc) using that link

holler at (well, just PM ) me if you need more help with that


to the main thrust of your post here, yes, eventually you will come to grips with all this. I just had my 18th Aids-aversary  and even though there are still problems at times, I've definitely come to grips with the issue. It's all tough adjusting at first but just think, after another 20 years of living with this disease, I'm sure you will have come to grips with it too at some point. Like other issues connected with depression, it just takes time and positive actions moving your life forward.

[PozJeepGuy]

Thanks for the help on the pic and the advice.  You know its funny how one day life just sucks and the next everything is ok.  Yesterday at my resturant someone stole my coat out of the dining room which had all my keys.  My house, car, and to the resturant.  Now after sleep and chatting with you guys things are looking up.  Well time to get ready for work. Everyone have a great day. 

Thank you;
Jake

[Jeffreyj]

Steady as she goes, Jeepguy. One day at a time. And remember, There's no future in the past."

All the best. We are all with you.
Jeff

[buginme2]

I understand feeling that it is your fault you got this disease.  I'm sure everyone here has felt that at one time or another.  I'm sure it is a normal feeling and I am sure with time you will gain a sense of peace around it. 

One thing to remember, you are not alone.  Others are going through the same thing.

Peace

[PozJeepGuy]

I hope the peace of things comes soon.  I really just want to get back to where I was before all this began.  You know its funny I know in my head I am healthily.  I do know that, but there are times I pshycially just don't feel normal. It doesn't change  the funny taste in the mouth, bowl moments are different, the damn nausea. 

Thank you guys for your insight and support.  It helps to hear it gets easier.  I will let you know when it does. 

[Nick Herman]

Hi,

I'm not as knowledgeable as a lot of others on here when posting information.
This is just my personal experience and it's no offense or difference of opinion to anyone...

Diagnosed 3 yrs ago

For the last 6-7 years I felt tired, weak and depressed, I've had skin problems all my life...

I recently started meds....  i feel a 85% change for the good and 15% for the bad

The bad is when I take the meds, i have slight headaches and I become dizzy for about an hr- I feel more of having a hard time concentrating..  a dumb feeling.   The meds gave me red skin for 4 days and I'm not even white. The redness has gone away and Ive been told the headaches and dizziness will also go away soon.

The good-
 Ive had diarrhea every week for the last I dont even know how many years...  Now I'm fine, I CAN EAT!
I worked out for 2 results with out gaining mass but getting stronger, so hopefully now I will gain mass
my skin has drastically cleared up.
Im not as sad or depressed as I once was, I just feel mentally better, since he meds  
I just have a bit of insomnia.
Maybe meds will make u better too... BUT, dont take my word for it.
I felt the "fog", the boredom of life, the question of whats left now after this has happened.  Im surprised the meds helped me mentally bc everyone said i should see counseling.  I think I need it still, just a little to be 100%.  

Your situation-
My ex put me in the same situation, it would lead me to believe he was cheating and I didnt know.
He said he didnt know, but who knows if he was lying...I was with him for 8 yrs
long story short is....  Is it the kid's fault who was born with it, or the girl who got raped, or is it anyones fault for trusting someone whom theyve been with for 8 yrs and stopped using condoms.

hiv has become a stigma , more than a disease... no one will ever have a normal life
but it will be unique, who's to say that this is the worst thing that can happen to any of us.

Try not to read too many of these post... I find that a lot of negative things people say do more mental damage to you than good.

Bottom line, It sucks... for all of us, or else we wouldnt be here posting.  But your depression is not anything out of the ordinary and can be reversed.