POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Pre-HAART Long-Term Survivors => Topic started by: hudstar on September 18, 2007, 03:44:52 am
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This may be an odd post to have but I was reading through my journal dated 1989 and was reminded of a crazy stunt I pulled - quite poetic really but crazy just the same. I rewrote it for my novel so here is a cut and paste from my writing. I think it shows a very desperate kid one year after diagnosis. I was never raised in any religion but at that time needed answers.
Everybody needs religion or faith. I need faith, religion. From what I had seen and experienced, most religions refused one simple element, the sacredness of existence. To me popular religions went against the fabric of our own humanity. If established and influential religions go against you, what have you left but to rely on yourself or like most, become driven by shame and guilt all your life. I realised this. I did not see any god or gods. The only power I had seen was that of nature and that was no way vengeful, hateful or discriminatory. .............................................................I GO ON A BIT HERE...................................................................
I was bought to consciousness as I noticed a sudden cold change in the air. Stillness followed shortly afterwards and I sat up and looked around at people packing their belongings and exiting the beach rather quickly. I looked out over the bay and saw a black cloud coming my way flashing with electrified energy. I decided then to have a showdown with “god”. I lay back down on the sand and stared up at the hectic commotion that was about to occur above me.
I spread eagled like a crucified Christ
The clouds were right above me now and I was mesmerised by the black and grey mass as it spiralled and twisted around itself, crackling and belching from within. It was beautiful to watch.
The flashing thunderous cloud rolled directly over me, rumbling with vibration as the hairs on my arm bristled in reaction to the energised atmosphere.
“Fuck you” I whispered
I was silenced by its magnificence as I lay absorbing the storm as it passed over quickly. I lay breathing heavily at what I had just done. I felt my soul pulsating and feeling sacred I remained spread on the beach in silence. I now knew how ridiculous the notion of a judgemental God was if his force cannot strike me down, even when invited. I had the whole beach to myself that afternoon and thought of nothing much in particular.
WHAT WAS I DOING!....kind of like a romantic suicide or a very brave confrontation. Anyhow my post does have reason, I'm interested to hear if anyone else did anything "out of the ordinary" back in the days of living a "death sentence"?
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Nope, just the usual combo of drinks, drugs and denial with a failed suicide attempt thrown in for good measure.
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Hi Hudstar
That's a lovely piece of writing, and I have done something similar when I was a young (suicidal) man, pre-dated my HIV diagnosis. Are you still working on that novel?
Shaun
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Komnaes, yes still writing. I started my novel after a BBC interview I had regarding HIV a few years back when I came out (poz) after 15 yrs silence
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Nope, just the usual combo of drinks, drugs and denial with a failed suicide attempt thrown in for good measure.
And Im glad you're still here. I'm guessing your dark humour got you through some tough times? ;D - love the Aunty Doxie cartoon, pretty much sums things up!