How to tell a negative person that i'm poz

[avincent]

Hello everyone,
I need some advise. I met someone recently and we connect very well. It's only been 2 months and we both geel really strong about each other. We have not had sex, yet. But, I know that everytime we get into an intimate situation, I back out without any explanation. I do not want to lose this person.
In the past, I have had similar situation. After 3 months of no sex, I finally told him and he left me. I was so emotionally hurt. I do not want the same thing to happen with this new guy. I know that I have to tell him sooner or later. I'm just afraid to sau anything. Oh, I have to tell him because it's my responsibility and I will tell him. The only thing is that I can't find the right time to do it and that I'm afraid that he, too, will leave me.
I'm so confused on what to do. Please help. Thanks in advance. AL

[Matty the Damned]

Hey Vincent,

You don't have to post this in the Am I Infected forum. Since you're positive you can post this in Living With HIV where you'll get more appropriate answers. Most of the HIV positive members here don't read the Am I Infected forum.

For good reason.

Fondly,

MtD

[hopefulforhelp]

Again, sorry for thread hyjacking...

Hi Al, I am HIV- and was just in a relationship with a fella who's HIV+ Although we tried, our relationship would not have worked for reasons other than HIV. Had other uncontrollable constraints been lifted, I honestly would not have cared about the HIV. I guess what I'm saying, if you fear the emotional hurt of rejection (rightly so), decide if the risk to you is worth it, before telling him. Beyond that, I'm not qualified to comment on the 'how to' part.

Best of luck to you!!!

[Iggy]

.

[Eldon]

Hello Al, it is Eldon.

I see this is your first post. The BEST thing you can do is tell your prospective partner that you are poz. Period point blank. This way, all of your cards are on the table and your prospective partner knows. Take him to a nice quiet restaurant, order some fine wine and dine, and casually bring it up in a conversation.

If he says no, then let him know that you still would like to be friends with him. It's worth a try.

Also, I wish to extend to you a warm WELCOME here to the forums. As you see you will find encouragement, communication, support, some laughs, some cries, and many of your questions answered relating to HIV/AIDS. Feel free to come and vent to say what is on your mind. We will be listening and answering.


Have the BEST Day!

[Longislander]

Hi Al, I'm knew to all this and have only had to tell one guy so far. I told him the night we met, because as things turned out that evening, he wanted to be intimate. It was actually my 1st night out since diagnosis and I hadn't met anyone that I clicked with so well in the past 2 1/2 years. All nite I told him we wouldn't be having sex, just hanging out and having a good time. After I drove him back to Brooklyn, I had to pee, of course, and went in. As we were fully clothed and messing around, he asked me if I was positive. I thought that was strange, usually it's 'are you negative'. I said yes, rolled off him, and he asked me when I found out, if I was scared, etc. (mind you I'd only known about 5 months) He was incredibly sweet, kissed me on the cheek, and hugged me. We layed there for awhile until I decided to go. He asked if I wanted his # , and I told him I'd like to be friends. We don't keep in touch, just once or twice after that, but he was incredible about it.

I realized later I could have just said no, not had sex, made an excuse and left. It also could have been way more dramatic saying yes. But I was glad I said yes, and realized that nite that if I were ever in that situation again, I would have to tell a guy sooner than later.
We all know what it's like to fall for someone,or start to, anyway. Some of fall harder and faster than others. The more time invested for BOTH people, the worse everyone will feel if he's not interested in dating a POS guy. I personally don't think a neg guy should be looked down upon for not wanting to get involved with it. And I know 2 people who were interested in me be4, who now know, and still claim to want to go out with me. They're out there.
I guess all I'm trying to say is let the guy know all he should know, sooner rather than later. It's best for him, and emotionally, it's better for you.
Good luck, maybe he's the one!!
Paul

[joemutt]

You've disclosed before (although with a negative result relationshipwise, I think it's great that you were able to do that),
and you have a good rapport with this new guy, so I'd disclose again;
anyway if you keep on seeing each other without ever having sex, this new guy is going to get frustrated  and you'd loose him that way.

[tendai]

i cant give advice on this coz i have let relationships die or pass because i am unable to tell them that i am poz.  i did tell my ex-bf when he wanted to get intimate and he accepted it, i dont know now if that was because he really loved me or he had other issues of his own. we went out for about a year and broke up coz of 'irreconcilable differences'.  the only other person i told i told him thru an SMS on the phone and he was busy praising my courage and how i was a star but nothing ever happened after that, he vanished.  i would think it best to tell a person straight off before the relationship grows so there's less chances of being hurt and all.  Just tell him and take it from there i guess...Best of luck.

[ndrew]

Hello,

I agree with the advice of disclosing sooner than later.  This can save you the heart ache of being attached to someone down the line and them leaving after you disclose...  I also try not to dwell on the rejection.  The sooner I move on to meeting someone new, the sooner ALL the pieces could fall into place.

I used to think it was a big, depressing deal, but now I realize it is just a card in the pack.  Yes, it changes things, but I am proud of who I am and what I have faced.  I guess I am saying I disclose with a certain matter-of-factness.  I expect people not to be ignorant anymore about HIV.

Bests,
Drew

[Cheetara74]

From my experience, it was ALWAYS better to tell a person about my health status sooner rather than later.  It's a great way to weed out the jerkoffs. 

[pragyamishra]

Hi Al, Its Prags

Well I completely agree about treating HIV being treated as any other issue/concern. Just tell the object of your affection of your POZ status. A person is not worth an iota of interest if HIV becomes a deal breaker. Sure concerns could be there & emotional hurt for telling the fact earlier but if ur POZ status becomes a deal Breaker, JUST BREAK FREE!

Go head & tell the person.

Cheers
Prags

[Oceanbeach]

Hi Al,

I have been doing this for about 12 years now, it doesn't get easy over time.  More recently, on the front page of the local daily newspaper and the local TV news channel, I disclosed my status in order to gain support for RWCA reauthorization.  Maybe it does get easy over time.

Here is an idea that I would use in your situation...

Prospective love of my life, are you aware that the epidemiology reports in all major metropolitan areas show that over 60% of all gay men are HIV+ whether they know it or not?  This figure has been constant, consistent for at least the past 12 years.

I have been HIV+ for the past (how many years), this makes me a better person because I have learned to deal with the issues, taken responsibility for my own care and treatment and will never have to stress out about an organ transplant.

Have the best day
Michael

www.Commission-on-AIDS.org