my reckless behavior

[cooltx75]

Two nights ago I had sex with someone I thought was negative, there was no ejaculation and I used a condom, but he did insert his penis inside for about 2 minutes two times before having sex with a condom--again, he did NOT ejaculate inside. But I am aware of the risks anyway and that pre-cum can infect. I had no idea he was positive until the morning when I found his HIV medicine in his backpack--I was stunned to say the least. I know it was no excuse to do anything unsafe, but I also felt cheated and lied to since he said he was negative and I just couldn't believe that someone positive might do this to someone they knew was negative. If I was positive, I would never put anyone at risk like that knowing that I could pass on HIV to someone. He showed remorse, but it was too late, it didn't matter, since what was done was done.

So around 7 pm yesterday I got a call from an AIDS hotline counselor, the person I had been with gave them my number, and he told me to go to an emergency room right away and start post exposure prophylaxis because it hadn't even been 24 hours yet. So immediately I headed to the ER last night (I was there for 6 hours total--so much for emergency). The doctor perscribed me 15 days of Viread and Combivir, and told me I would have to go to my doctor for follow up and to get the rest of the perscribed dose which is 30 days. I feel so emotionally drained right now, I know the odds of catching it are low, and since he was on medication, I am assuming his viral load was low, but it's still a chance.

I haven't experienced any side effects so far...but then again I've only taken two doses. I am really scared, I don't know if I want to go to my doctor to get the rest because I wouldn't feel comfortable. This is gonna cost me a lot of money and I don't have insurance. The ER bill will surely be above $500, and the meds aren't cheap, plus any follow up doctors visits. I don't know how I am going to pay for this, I am 20 years old, and telling my parents is out of the question. I guess it was a very stupid and expensive mistake and if I end up positive anyway, it would be even worse. I don't know what to do or how to pay or where to go from here. I am really scared and I feel like I'm too young to be catching HIV, and if I'm positive I don't know how I could possibly tell my family, much less pay for all the medication I would have to take and doctors visits and tests having no insurance. I feel so lost. Any advice?

[Rabbit]

Dear Cool,

You should continue with the medicine prescribed. Please do not stop it. My lover was later for the prophylaxic medicine and he is positive now. If he had known , he could not have been positive. I do not know how to help you now but my advice is you should not stop your medicine now. It will cost much more if you get positive because of not taking the medicine.

I hope you will be fine.

Best wishes,

Tigercub

[RapidRod]

This is going to cost me a little bit of money. A little late to think about that now. Just pay as much as you can pay. They can set you up on a payment plan. If I were you, I would go and discuss this with your parents and see if you can get the money from them.

[RapidRod]

Tigercub, prophylactic treatment is not a guarantee that you won't become positive. The only way to prevent it is by using a condom correctly at ALL times or just don't have anal or vaginal sex.

[cooltx75]

Thanks for the replies Rapid and Tiger.

I will continue with the meds even if it means feeling horrible for a month, I don't care and it is a small price to pay, I am not going to miss a single dose. As far as paying, it is not the most important thing I'm thinking about right now, but I do think about it, I have some money saved I could use, but I haven't gotten the meds from the RX since the doctor gave me two days worth, and I will go later today to get it, but I don't know what to expect when they tell me how much it costs, the doctor said he didn't know how much it would be, but he said it wouldn't be cheap.

As far as telling my parents, that is out of the question, it was difficult enough when I told them I was gay, telling them I was exposed to HIV and going through this right now is just not something I can do.

I just feel really overwhelmed...I don't doubt that I have slept with HIV+ people in the past, but I have been safe, and for the 2 and a half years I have gotten tested, it has always been negative. But now knowing for a fact that I did just makes me feel aweful. I don't know why I was so stupid to let this guy do this, especially since he was lying about his status...I guess you can't trust anyone...and it almost makes want to go celibate if everything turns out okay at the end. I don't want to have HIV and I feel so guilty right now, and blame myself more than I blame him. In any event, I'm just rambling on right now....and I'm trying to rationalize everything by saying that "oh he was on meds his viral load was low...and it was only for a few minutes that he penetrated without the condom, and I didn't taste any pre-cum when I was perfroming oral sex so he must have not been a big pre-cummer once inside...and that some reckless people who have bareback sex all the time don't get infected until many many years of recklessness and that as it is it is a very small risk to get infected, even with straight ejaculation...etc etc" but I know it only takes once in the end, and if I'm unlucky enough, statistics don't matter. 

[Ann]

tx,

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL STIs together. To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with a sexually transmitted infection.

You can't go by what someone tells you, as you have discovered to your peril. You MUST be using condoms when you're top and you cannot allow your top to enter you without a condom.

Your risk is slightly lessened by the fact that ejaculation did not take place unprotected, but hiv can also be present in pre-cum. You  have had a risk and you would be wise to continue with the PEP treatment. As Rodney mentions, you can set up a payment plan.

You need to take your medication exactly as prescribed and I hope this was all explained to you in detail. Check out the drug section of this website (link in upper left-hand corner) where you can read about the drugs you are taking and how to deal with side-effects that may arrive. If you stick to the meds the odds are in your favour of testing negative when the time comes.

The window period for post-PEP testing is 12-13 weeks past your last dose of PEP. This makes the window from time of exposure 16-17 weeks in total. A test six weeks post-PEP would be a good indication of your status, but not conclusive.

Good luck and stick with it.

Ann

[Sae]

Hey Tx,

At this point what's done is done.  No doubt the lesson is learned and going back to shoulda woulda coulda (unless you EVER think of doing that again) isn't going to help you at this point.

Stay on the PEP, do whatever you need to in order to do that.  EVEN if it meant telling your parents worst case scenario.  Give up everything you need to for a chance to stay HIV negative.  Can you imagine how they would feel if you didn't come to them with this and ended up HIV positive?  The bigger picture is your health and the financial one:  having HIV would be allot worse.

I don't want you to ever feel like you didn't do everything you could to address this situation.

Hang in there.  Consider the medication side effects your punishment if you must or better yet don't punish yourself at all.

You did the right thing going to emergency and going on PEP.  Do everything Ann and Rod said.

Sae.

[cooltx75]

I really don't know where else to turn....I don't know why I am so stupid and so god damn retarded in my actions. I last got tested in December of 2006, so about a year ago and it was negative, despite one or two unsafe encounters was a huge relief. However in 2007 my reckless unsafe behavior accelerated and since that test I have had 7 barebacking encounters since then, though only about 2 or 3 the guys came inside of me.

The most recent one was 2 days ago and I feel an incredible amount of remorse and feel like I have hit rock bottom. I don't know why I do this because I used to be a big believer in safe sex and only ever had unprotected sex with my ex boyfriend and we were in a monogamous relationship. I don't think I have mental issues or a sex addiction, but I cannot explain why I keep playing Russian roulette. I am NOT a bug chaser, and I don't want to get infected at all. But I feel like I am too weak minded to say no even though I know it could kill me. I have kept off getting tested out of sheer panic of what the answer would be, even though I know if it is negative it would be like a second lease on life.

The allure of barebacking is so strong it is just so hard to control it for me, but every time I did it this past year and now I feel horrible and utterly guilty about it. I feel disgusted at myself for doing it and for being so stupid to have done it in the first place. I don't really know what I am trying to say...I'm not really looking for an answer as to "am I infected" since no one can tell me that except for the test. I guess I just feel lonely right now and scared to death that my actions will catch up to me next time I go get tested. I don't know how I would cope with telling people, my family, dating, stigma....it's all so overwhelming, and all because I wanted an hour of hot raw sex. I just don't know myself anymore. I keep resolving never to bareback and again, and yet I do. Please someone tell me how to stop this and what I can do about it; how do I gather the strength to go get tested and accept that I may be positive due to my actions?

I don't know what to do, I feel like my life is slipping away from me 

[Ann]

cooltx,

I've merged your new thread into your original thread - where you should post all your additional thoughts or questions. It helps us to help you when you keep all your additional thoughts or questions in one thread.

If you need help finding your thread when you come here, click on the "Show own posts" link under your name in the left-hand column of any forum page.

Please also read through the Welcome Thread so you can familiarize yourself with our Forum Posting Guidelines. Thank you for your cooperation.


You're correct in thinking that all we can do is to tell you to test in three months after your last incident of barebacking. We cannot tell you how to stop barebacking however, as that is outside our remit. I suggest you find yourself a good therapist with whom you can discuss your self-destructive behaviour and get to the bottom of it in a safe setting.

Good luck.

Ann