I am sick of being sick

[Jeffreyj]

During my last 25 years of being poz, I have always had a great outlook on living with the disease. I rarely complained, and took great pleasure in helping others. It made me feel good and I believe that it helped me deal with  my own HIV. Helping others, sharing what I've experienced, has served me very well. I think that is th best medicine along with the "Real " meds.
But I must say, the last year has been really challenging, both mentally and phi sically.  The realty, I'm afraid, is really catching up with me.
Mentally, My nephew committed an accidental over dose and passed away at the age of 27, on Christmas eve. My Mom died in September and DAD a year before that. I know that death is part of life. but it hurts none the less.I missed my Mom's funeral because I had a finger removed due to   skin cancer. I t went well, but i still have pain in all of my other fingers on that hand.
I lost 40 pounds from September to January, my DR. told me i have been going through allot.(Brilliant....I KNEW that duh) I thought I was dying. No one could explain the weight loss and my fatiguewas the worst ever. Going to grocery store was a MAJOR effort. I finally told my DR that something is wrong, and if he can't help me I'll go somewhere else. I was down, depressed and I thought "Maybe it's my turn. Maybe I'm dying." In my 25 years I have never felt so bad.
So my DR.in January of this year took a major overview of my blood. like 12 voles. I get a call later that week  informs me my blood sugar was 450 and I need to start taking insulin pronto.
"How did this go on for so long undetected?" I was pissed.I still fatigued and pretty overwhelmed right now. 
Now my arthritis causes me constant back, neck, shoulder pain. All nine fingers are barely usable. Driving is not a good idea.
I'm not giving up. I'm not a week, and never will be. But I feel like Titanic right now.
Thanks so much for reading this long rant. I hope you learn something from it.

[Theyer]

Dear Jeffreyj

You are certainly not weak,but boy you must be weakened by this onslaught , I hope that getting it Posted has helped . I am not surprised you feel overwhelmed but the Titanic went under and you have not. I hope the insulin helps and you find something for relieving the arthritis , Best wishes  / t

[veritas]

Jeffreyj,

I salute you for your strength through all your issues.

What upsets me the most about your post is: Why didn't the doctor catch your high blood sugar earlier?
Blood sugar of 450 is off the charts.

I hope things work out.

A rant is now and then is always good.

v

[davidh]

My thoughts are with you, HIV does put a strain on you for sure, doctor visits suck because we gear ourselves up and all they do is tell us the same ol shit, becoming a statistic and liability can be draining on someone who is used to being productive.  I had full blown in 2005 with aids and cryptoccocal which totally sucked.  The IVs blood trans. spinal taps and 70 lb weight loss should have killed me but fortunately or not I survived.  I have some major cognitive issues now and compulsive behavior, I asked my doc if I was crazy he said, well no but you sure do beat yourself up.  I know where you are  coming from, Ive had the disease probably about 13-14 years but it didnt hit me till I almost died.  I know when a diagnosis hits it sucks but you are right that it wears on you year after year, I hate when I see perfectly healthy people complaining aboutt long check out lines at Walmart, it puts a whole new perspective on things and what matters and what doesnt.  I hope you can find the strength to continue, you are a warrior to have withstood as long as you have.

[Moffie65]

Jeffery, Sorry to hear my neighbor is in trouble.  Shit man, you are doing a load of distasteful shit right now, and there is little wonder why you are feeling so down.  Glad you got the stuff with your blood taken care of, and the insulin should bring things back to normal pretty soon. 

Please take care of yourself, and don't overdo.  Be as patient with yourself, as you are with others. 

Love ya,
Tim.

[bear60]

Hi Jeff
I hope a big BEAR {{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}  will help.  I know the bad days are bad but hopefully you will have good days ahead. 
Be well.


Joel

[Buckmark]

Jeffrey,

You've been through an undeniable rough stretch -- it's no wonder you are feeling so low.  It's good to express how you feel, even if you don't feel great.  I hope things turn around for you.

Hugs,

Henry

[BT65]

Jeff, sorry you've had such a hard time lately.  I was diagnosed diabetic (Insulin dependent) 12 or 13 years ago.  And I went on a binge where I didn't treat it, and lost about 50 lbs.  If you have both the long-acting Insulin plus the short-acting, that should help tremendously.  And I also saw a diabetic dietician and that helped. 

I'm sorry about the other things also.  It sounds like the present has really sucked for you.  I hope things look up, truly.
  Luv,
Betty

[aztecan]

Hey Jeff,

You have been through a lot, and the addition of the diabetes on top of it just really sucks.

You and I share a lot of things in common, as you know, including the number of years having been diagnosed.

I know it may not help, but remember I'm standing there with you.

HUGS,

Mark

[AndyArrow]

Jeff --

You have been (are going through) so much lately I wish I could do more than offer my online support.  The fact that you are sick of being sick and not just accepting it is part of what (I believe) makes us survivors.

I hope once your diabetes is controlled things will slowly improve and when they do give your doctor a good swift kick up the back side!  It's a sad but important reminder to us all that we have to advocate for our own healthcare and make sure our complaints are listened too.

Hugs & Stuff (since I can't offer more) but am sending lots of positive energy your way.
AA

[AlanBama]

Sorry you've had such a rough time lately, buddy.... you sure have had more than your fair share!

Hope that with proper treatment, your diabetes can be controlled well, and that you begin to feel better.

Many hugs,

Alan

[jm1953]

Jeff,

Wow so much you have been going through in such a short period of time.  You obviously are a strong many.  All of this would take a major toll on anyone especially with AIDS. 

I'm having my share of problems, nothing as major as yours, but my heart and prayers go out to you.  You aren't alone.

Try to keep afloat, and we're here for you.

Many hugs and tons of support your way,

Jeff

[heartforyou]

Hi jeff,

jeee... it really seems like the shit hit the fan.. wooow.
Just letting you know I am thinking of you here.

Going through a rough time here as well.
As you know my realtionship ended and I slipped into depression again.
But I am taking no prozac this time .. will get out of it.

Just sending you lots of hugs and support buddy. Hang in there. we are survivors ...

xx hermie

[rob4890]

I feel the same way ... pos since about 1988.  I know exactly how you feel.  It's futile, death is everyone's outcome eventually, so squeeze whatever life you can now while you have a chance to.  I hate my life, but I'd rather live than die.  That might change, I'll know when the time has come, that's for sure.  Just hang in there.

[jm1953]

Jeffrey,

I know how you feel about sick of being sick even though during my 24 years of being positive I have not had so many of the things you have been dealing with.  You are an amazingly strong person.  Remember, many of us feel as you but I guess we have to just keep on plugging along.

Hope your diabetes is in control and you are feeling better.

Thoughts and prayers are with you,

Jeff