Why So Unfair?

[WhySoUnfair]

drugged, raped, infected.
it is indeed the end of the world.
I'm young, tall, handsome, ivy educated, promising...but now I just want to die...There is no future, no hope, no tomorrow, but just the curse of shame, regret and guilt...
I really don't know how to deal with my life. I keep thinking that now I'm + when I walk, when I talk, when I eat, when I drink, when I brush my teeth, when I sleep...
why life is so unfair? I'm so depressed now and I really don't see the reason the live. I feel so lonely and scared.
do I still have a future? BF stopped talking to me after I told him that I was infected. who the hell wants to date an HIV+ guy? will I ever find a relationship again? who the hell wants to be friends with an HIV+ guy? not allowed to travel to some countries, not allowed to work in many countries, not allowed to immigrate to many countries. they call it chronic and manageable, but it is terminal to my mind, feeling and soul. will I ever be happy again? I'm so scared.
So Unfair !

[WhySoUnfair]

drugged, raped, infected.
it is indeed the end of the world.
I'm young, tall, handsome, ivy educated, promising...but now I just want to die...There is no future, no hope, no tomorrow, but just the curse of shame, regret and guilt...
I really don't know how to deal with my life. I keep thinking that now I'm + when I walk, when I talk, when I eat, when I drink, when I brush my teeth, when I sleep...
why life is so unfair? I'm so depressed now and I really don't see the reason the live. I feel so lonely and scared.
do I still have a future? BF stopped talking to me after I told him that I was infected. who the hell wants to date an HIV+ guy? will I ever find a relationship again? who the hell wants to be friends with an HIV+ guy? not allowed to travel to some countries, not allowed to work in many countries, not allowed to immigrate to many countries. they call it chronic and manageable, but it is terminal to my mind, feeling and soul. will I ever be happy again? I'm so scared.
So Unfair !

is there really any treatment improvement ever since the 1995 cocktail therapy? why we still use the same therapy after 15 years? I'm not scared of death, but I'm scared of AIDS.

I've been reading all the HIV/AIDS breakthrough news, but it seems that there is no follow-up ever after such news.
where is the HOPE? where is TOMORROW?

[Jeff G]

Welcome to the forums Whyso .
Testing positive can be a real shock . I urge you to get some counseling to help you through this tough adjustment period .

I have read how you feel here but I must tell you living with HIV is not the end of the world . I have done it for 25 + years and you can to.

It gets better I promise .

[WhySoUnfair]

jg, I just feel there is no hope. I'm not afraid of death but I don't want to have HIV.
have you ever been really happy after your diagnosis?
do you think of HIV evyday?
I've been reading all the HIV/AIDS breakthrough news from Tre, Stem Cell to Banana...but it seems that there is no follow-up ever since the news. We are still using the 1995 cocktail therapy, and I do know where is tomorrow...
I'm so scared...

[Miss Philicia]

If someone drugged and raped you I hope you called the police.

[Jeff G]

jg, I just feel there is no hope. I'm not afraid of death but I don't want to have HIV.
have you ever been really happy after your diagnosis?
do you think of HIV evyday?
I've been reading all the HIV/AIDS breakthrough news from Tre, Stem Cell to Banana...but it seems that there is no follow-up ever since the news. We are still using the 1995 cocktail therapy, and I do know where is tomorrow...
I'm so scared...

Yes ... I am happy and healthy . I do think of HIV everyday because I'm on meds to control the virus but that is just part of my day to day routine .

Its clear to me from reading your post that you are in crisis mode right now . This forum is an excellent place for information and support so I'm happy you found it . There is no substatute for the help of a qualified counselor . Please consider talking to your doctor or local aids support organisation for the help you need for support .

There are others here that are far more qualified to answer your questions about medications than I . I bet some one will be along shortly to discuss it with you .      

[veritas]

WhySo,

Sorry to hear about your ordeal.

 Your feelings, concerning hiv infection, are quite understandable.I dare say, all on these forums have had those feelings. You know you will have to go through the gambit of emotions before the acceptance phase, when you will focus on learning all you can about our disease.
Yes, a disease, nothing more nothing less. You are still the person you were before, a young, handsome,ivy educated and yes, promising individual who happens to have HIV. You will learn how to cope and how to take your medications. You will find out that having HIV is not the end, but , the beginning of a new journey which doesn't necessarily have to be fearful, as much as diligent. In some ways, life changing, however, still promising.

  Your friends might change, especially those who wouldn't accept your condition, but were they really friends to begin with? There are plenty of good people out there who will accept you. Finding them is easier than you think right now. You automatically have people to talk to right here. You found the right place to begin your journey. You will be happy again.

   There has been treatment improvement. The medications being used today are a lot less toxic and easier to take. I know, I've tried most of them. The diligent work being done by the top medical researchers in the world, will one day deliver that which we all long for ----. However, it will take time.
Hopefully, it occurs sooner rather than later.

Don't lose hope!  It will get better.

v

[J220]

I don't know how long ago you were infected but there is a normal period of post-infection stress and deppression. It can be severe (I know, I've been there) but after a while things do get better emotionally. Life does go on. After that, it's a matter of perspective, the cup half empty vs. half full. Does it suck to be infected? You bet. But does life go on? You bet. It IS a manageable condition.

They way I personally choose to see it is this way: if it were not for meds I would probably be dead by now. But I'm not. I live breathe, dream, hope..and yes, I fornicate like a rabbit on occassion (sorry, details private lol!). I choose to see my situation as a temporary one where I am on a holding pattern until the next treatement revolution comes along, and who knows maybe even a cure.

The KNOWLEDGE about how the virus works is expanding rapidly, and that is the first step before learning how to permanently defeat it. It will happen, someday. When? Sorry, the batteries of my crystal ball ran out...but it will happen. Maybe in my lifetime, maybe in someone elses...but right now, right this mnute, I am getting ready to go to work like anybody else, and in a few weeks I have vacations like anyone else....where I will get on a plane  (haven't decided yet where to), like anyone else. And once there I will get laid, like anyone else (everyone uses condoms no?), have dinner, see the sights, meet people, enjoy life....and I will have a GREAT time...like everyone else.

So you see...life does go on....you'll see...give it time. In the meantime, if you have depression, stress, anxiety, go see a therapist, it's imperative to do so if you cannot handle this period of your life, which is essentially post-traumatic stress. If need be you can take anti-stress medications like lozarepam or something, they really do help.

Take our collective word....with time you will understand: LIFE GOES ON!

All our best.

[J220]

P.S. again don't know how long you were infected, but may I offer another piece of advice. KEEP YOUR STATUS PRIVATE for the time being. I know that when I was in post-traumatic stress dealing with this, for some reason I decided to tell my mom...worst mistake, because as supportive as she was and is, it just broke her heart with worry (she didn't understand that we are not in 1980, and now this is a manageable condition- she knows better now).

The point is that I was not thinking clearly and told a few family members (thank god I didn't tell any friends at all) about my status, mainly for emotional support, but now that the storm has passed, I see that it was totally uncessesary. But now that I've told them, I can't un-ring the bell. So for the time being, TELL NO ONE.

Once you are in a better place emotionally then you can decide rationally who to share this very intimate, private matter, which is no one's business but your own- except in a sexual setting of course, that goes without saying. But socially, no one needs to know.

I say this because you wrote "who wants to be friends with someone who is poz". Well your friends have no business knowing this, so don't tell them, period.

[Hellraiser]

I'm going to echo what was just said.  When you are first diagnosed you mourn for yourself for a while.  This is for good reason as an era of your life is over.  Your life will be slightly different now, but not unbearably so.  You have a minor cross to bear, but you're not carrying it alone.  All of us here have done the same for a while.  Generally after the intial shock of testing positive people either go one of two directions and settle into a "life goes on pattern" or some people become a lot more morose and it weighs on their mind heavily.  This is how I've observed it anyway.

We all think about it every once in a while, but the preoccupation fades as it's just another part of yourself.  I think given some time you will not let it get you down quite so much, but it is definitely something you will need to adjust to.

[geobee]

Hey WSUF,

I've been infected for less than a year, through an unlikely way (oral sex) and have def had some pretty low moments -- I got dumped by my partner of 20 yrs who, on the way out, cleaned out the bank account!  What's helped me is getting a good therapist, a good doctor, reaching out to family and friends.  The guys (and gals) on this site are also pretty smart and supportive.  That's all the advice I've got, just wanted to say I was thinking about you since your post and pulling for you.  It will get better.

[Andy Velez]

jg, I just feel there is no hope. I'm not afraid of death but I don't want to have HIV.
have you ever been really happy after your diagnosis?
do you think of HIV evyday?
I've been reading all the HIV/AIDS breakthrough news from Tre, Stem Cell to Banana...but it seems that there is no follow-up ever since the news. We are still using the 1995 cocktail therapy, and I do know where is tomorrow...
I'm so scared...

You don't want to have HIV. Who does? But you DO have it. That's the harsh truth. So now it's a matter of dealing with it. 

Being afraid is understandable, but gradually you are going to see that your life is going to go and it's still going to be good. Most importantly you need to have a doctor with whom you can develop a good working partnership. That will be very important to staying healthy. You'll get to know what you need to do. You'll find a lot of informed support here so bring your questions and your concerns or just hang out.

And...even though you'd rather not be here, welcome.

[mecch]

Sorry about your diagnosis.

On the other hand, since you are such a golden boy, tall handsome ivy league etc etc, you're in a great position to have HIV become a rather minor part of your life. Really. You'll see, once you get over the pity fest and start feeling confident again in your qualities and the basic facts of your situation.

Can you just for a minute imagine how turly shitty HIV can be for someone totally on the margins.  But you are not, by your own (rather self-satisfied and) let's hope accurate description.  

I think its a very rotten deal the way you contracted HIV and you need to think about how much shock and emotion is related to rape and disease transmission, and how much is about HIV specifically.

I do hope that the police are investigating.  

Maybe funnel some of this anger and disappoint off yourself, since you have done nothing wrong, there is no neeed to beat yourself up about it.  

[leatherman]

Welcome Why,
Sorry you're here with us; but glad you found us. It's definitely all scary at first; but that's because you're not educated enough about HIV and the meds. Might I suggest you start off by reading through some of the Lessons here at aidsmeds.com (http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Introduction_4702.shtml). There's a wealth of material just about nearly everything. When you're finished there, and if you still have questions, just post away here in the forums and there are plenty of people who can help you figure out the ropes.

I'm so depressed now and I really don't see the reason the live.

goodness! Why so serious?  You have exactly all the same reasons to live as you did the day before you got back those test results. People get back diagnoses of HIV, cancer, diabetes and all sorts of horrible things everyday. But unless you're typing from the hospital on your deathbed (a place many of us have been and recovered from), you should still have a lot of hope about what the future will hold. You just need to read up those lessons and learn how to tackle this illness - as you would if you were diagnosed with anything else.

but it seems that there is no follow-up ever since the news. ....
We are still using the 1995 cocktail therapy

Case in point, then you've been reading the wrong stuff. There's been a ton of follow-up through the last 15 yrs and a lot of new developments (heck there's even more in the pipeline to come!). We're actually using the cocktails from around 2005, which is a full decade later and with a helluva lot of improvement. So obviously, there's quite a bit of information the lessons would help you with then as you learn more about the virus that you are infected with.

I'm going into my 19th year of being poz (and was a lot sicker back in those days with those 1995 meds ) and there are plenty of others around, like jg1962, who have dealt with HIV even longer. So if we could have managed 20+ yrs, through less-effective, more side-effect-ridden meds, then there is no reason for you not to have hope that you'll do better and live longer with today's regimens.

[tommy246]

Sorry to see you feel so low i did 16 months ago but time heals i thought about it 24-7 and people on here said time heals you dont believe it but it does , i never think about it now and have my old life back ,1 tab a day and a full life span ahead of us thats positive. Meds are improving constantly , we are the lucky ones LTS folk really went through hard times with old meds , so try and stay focused and for now just take one day at a time

[WhySoUnfair]

thank you all for the support my dearest friends.

I was drugged and raped in Jan and was tested neg in Feb. Tested again two weeks ago and it came back poz. I totally collapsed when I got the result -- it was the darkest day in my life.
I spent two weeks searching all the information online and I was so shocked when I saw all the AIDS pics I could find on google image. I sent emails to every single name appeared in those HIV breakthrough news but still have not received any response.

went to see the therapist yesterday. she told me that it's a chronic and manageable disease, I will have sth like 30 more yrs and it's better than cancer, etc etc. Oh dear, if it were cancer, you would receive all kinds of emotional support from everybody everywhere. if it's HIV, then you just become a rat on the dining table in Nobu. I don't want to die in my 50s !!! I think that's still golden age !!! But now, I have no self-esteem, no confidence, no hope...

my doctor asked me to do another blood work to check the CD4 stuff, but I refused cos I really need some more time to accept the truth.

so may I please ask you, my dearest friends --

do you really think we can have a NORMAL life of being HIV+? Is being HIV+ NORMAL? What makes you happy when you think of HIV+? How do you adjust your emotion when you think of HIV+? How do you maintain your positive attitude when you face the fear of HIV+?

WE BELIEVE:
LIFE GOES ON!
WE HAVE HOPE!

[Jeff G]

One of the ways I keep a positive attitude is to confront HIV in a proactive way .

I make sure I keep all my doctor appointments and lab work up to date and take my meds . This gives me peace of mind knowing the virus is in check and I don't have to worry about getting sick .  


Who knows ... with you being newly poz you may not need meds yet .  

[leatherman]

I don't want to die in my 50s !!! I think that's still golden age !!!

http://www.poz.com/articles/hiv_survival_mortality_761_18083.shtml
Survival among HIV-positive men who keep their CD4 counts above 500 cells for at least three years is comparable with that of the general population, according to optimistic data from a large European cohort reported on Friday, February 19, at the 17th Conference on Retroviruses and Opportunistic Infections (CROI).

As I mentioned to you before, many of us here contracted HIV many decades ago (some of us have even been so sick to have been at the point of having AIDS) and yet are still living today. I myself contracted HIV probably around 1985 when I was 25. When I was 35 in 1995, I was in a hospital with pneumonia and told I was about to die from AIDS. Currently in another two years, I'll turn 50 (eek! ) and I'm healthier than I've been in the last two decades thanks to the improvement in the meds over that last 20 yrs.

(I sure don't think I'm approaching my "golden years" either LOL Didn't you know that 50 is the new 40? You really need to get with the times. You think we're still using meds from the early 90s and that being 50 is somehow the end of life. ROFL I don't plan to be in my "golden yrs" until I'm in my 70s)

I spent two weeks searching all the information online and I was so shocked when I saw all the AIDS pics I could find on google image. I sent emails to every single name appeared in those HIV breakthrough news but still have not received any response.

of course, if you go looking for the worst information, you're going to find it. (As I said, you really need to read the Lessons here at AidsMeds.com.) HIV+ people on medications don't look like that! HIV+ people, with good CD4 counts and/or on meds, are still working at their jobs and living life to the fullest - they are people probably passing you in the street everyday. They're sure not "aids cases" with their pictures online.

and I'm not surprised you didn't receive any responses. Just who did you write?  Big name scientists and doctors who don't have time to communicate with people who are irrationally scared about dying because they just tested poz? Heck, I could probably write those people and they wouldn't respond to me either - neither would Bill Gates, the president, and the list goes on. Just because they didn't respond, doesn't mean a thing. (heck I have a hard time getting my family to respond to emails much less busy strangers. LOL) They didn't respond because they're expecting your doctor to give you more information and you to educate yourself about this health problem that you have, so you understand, that there are treatments against HIV that can help you to, more than likely, live a full and normal life.

my doctor asked me to do another blood work to check the CD4 stuff

I would suggest that you get past your fears and actually tackle the job of handling your health issues though. Just like a diabetic has to check their blood sugar level, whether they want to or not, to know if and how much insulin they need to talk, you definitely need to know your viral load and cd4 count to know when to properly treat the HIV. Untreated HIV eventually leads to AIDS. Treated HIV should allow you to live (since you seem to be in your 20s) an average lifespan which could be into your 60s or 70s (or even 80s since you have to figure in other health risks and genetics)

[mecch]

Read about Stephen Gendin. He was HIV+ at Brown in the late 80's early 90s. Before any treatment. He took all his advantages, similar to yours - tall handsome great mind great education - and lived a full live and was never snubbed at beautiful people events in downtown New York. 
You have HAART. You'll see, you will rally and you will get your self esteem back and even be stronger and more appealing than before.

http://www.thebody.com/content/art30452.html

[Dachshund]

Rape is a felony. Have you reported this to the authorities?

[Rev. Moon]

drugged, raped, infected.
it is indeed the end of the world.
I'm young, tall, handsome, ivy educated, promising...but now I just want to die...

why life is so unfair?

Such a shame that so many of us round here are apparently old, short, ugly, and --at best-- community college educated (in some cases we are completely illiterate, we're just lucky to own software that types and reads).  No promise either, I suppose.

Oh, and we got our virus from past mistakes (or, in some cases, immaculate infections).  No criminal (nor the world at large) is to blame.

Still, we look forward to living life to its fullest on a daily basis.  No fear, no shame, no worries about what is fair and what's not.  This virus does not discriminate.

Welcome to the forums and good luck.

[BT65]

I honestly don't see how not getting your bloodwork done is going to help you accept your HIV diagnosis.  And like a couple others have said, being drugged and raped is a crime, and should be reported to the authorities.  Not dealing with that isn't going to help you either.  If you truly want to come to the point of acceptance of your HIV status, then you need to do the things to take keep the virus in check.  You surely don't want to let the virus run wild, and end up in the hospital on your deathbed, do you?

[tommy246]

You should buy the book by dr gallant called 101 questions and answers about hiv it is extremely helpful and will put your mind at rest .

[MarkB]

@ WhySoUnfair

I was so shocked when I saw all the AIDS pics I could find on google image. I sent emails to every single name appeared in those HIV breakthrough news but still have not received any response.

I am not the most knowledgeable of those who post on these forums, but it may be important for you to hear many voices on this point. The images you have seen are NOT the whole story; and many of them, sadly, are the images of those who do not, or did not, have access to the kind of medication you will now be able to receive.

went to see the therapist yesterday. she told me that it's a chronic and manageable disease

Indeed it is; but if she did say that you will have "30 more years" (I do not know how old you are) then she was giving a conservative estimate. There is no reason, given care and a responsible attitude to your health, that you should not have a full life-span. By way of contrast, I offer the example of one of my closest friends. He does not have HIV: what he has is diabetes. He must test his blood between 10 and 20 times a day; he must inject himself with insulin sometimes hourly and take up to 15 pills a day merely to control his condition. His life is dictated by diabetes, which may well kill him long before he grows old. You, on the other hand, may well only have to take one pill a day (and it may possibly be years before you require medication) in order to control your own chronic condition.

I have no self-esteem, no confidence, no hope...

That is, perhaps, the first of your opponents to overcome. There cannot be any of us on this forum who has not felt like that at some point; but we have come to understand that our worth as human beings has not been diminished for the simple fact that we have a virus. And neither has yours.

my doctor asked me to do another blood work to check the CD4 stuff, but I refused cos I really need some more time to accept the truth.

I know you are suffering at the moment - but I must ask: are you wise in this decision? Is it not the case that knowing more, being in possession of more facts about your condition, gives you and those who have care of you a better understanding of your medical needs? Please reconsider.

As you rightly say:

WE BELIEVE:
LIFE GOES ON!
WE HAVE HOPE!

Hold on to that. You are not alone. There are knowledgeable and wise people on this forum who can advise you. And please believe me when I say that there is better medication, and greater understanding, of this disease than at any time in the past. Life is not fair: it never was, and it does not come with any guarantees. But you have not suddenly become a virus: you remain yourself, with all your talents and what you have to offer.

I hope you will want to come back to these forums, as I did, and realise that life is changed, not ended.

Mark

[Miss Philicia]

Rape is a felony. Have you reported this to the authorities?

Good point

[elf]

My advice: get yourself occupied instead of preoccupied.
I am 27 and tested positive 18 months ago...
Now I'm on medication.
I've been studying a lot.
Will be getting my diploma (M.D). in 3 months.

You can be ok.
You are not a virus.
I haven't dated since my infection,
I preferred studying.

As soon as I get some time, I will travel the world.

Kisses from Southern Europe.

[aupointillimite]

Hey.

I was diagnosed over five years ago when I was 22- and I know it's really raw the first few months.  It's only natural to be preoccupied with it.

But eventually, it fades into background noise as it just becomes part of your life.  A part of your life that needs to be managed, of course, but not the defining feature.  I've been living with my boyfriend for two years, and he's a neggie.  There are decent people out there who don't see you a walking biohazard. 

It's only natural to feel helpless, but one thing that I've learned that helps to not feel that way is to take charge of a situation.  Like, you could help put a rapist in prison, for example.  That would probably be a good thing right now.     

[GNYC09]

Dear Why,
I'm so sorry to hear about the rape and your diagnosis.  There's been good advice given here including the recommendation re: the police.  

Read this article titled, "Hope: The Most Caring Gift," which helped me during my darkest moments.  I hope  it also helps you.

Definitely stick with the therapy and increase the frequency if needed.

Good luck!!

[HealWithin]

Yes life can be or seem unfair at times! no matter how safe we
try to experience it? it may return our trust as untold layers of
emotional pain and fear. Anyone can make a mistake regardless
of race..gender..or social standing.Your feeling of isolation and
loneliness is a natural human reaction to being positive+for many
people.Its a process that can rob you of happiness and self worth
if you allow it too.Remember you are not HIV`it is hiv that is
within you (But not who you are) Yes life can be unfair! but it
is also fair to say): the gift of life still flows through you, and you
have the support and concern of all those who will help you
through this transition.

[tednlou2]

I'm about 15 months into knowing my status.  However, I've known for years that I was poz.  I just didn't want to face it and get tested.  I got sick with pneumonia and that is how I was told.  If I hadn't gotten sick, I'd probably have gotten very ill with AIDS because I'm not sure I would had the courage to get tested.  It is good you know.

I have come such a long way.  However, I still get depressed and worry about getting sick with something.  I have the irrational fears--like can this mildew on the shower curtain hurt me?  I need to change my toothbrush every couple weeks to avoid germs...stuff like that which is irrational. 

I have found this site to be very helpful.  You can also ask questions to HIV docs at thebody.com.  John Hopkins HIV Guide with Dr. Gallant is a good resource---just google that and you'll find the website. 

To answer your question--  I think about HIV all day long unless I'm very busy.  I worry what the future will hold.  I hate that I have this virus, but I can't change it.  I get mad at myself for allowing it to happen.  I have a friend who has cancer and I see everything she is going through.  I tell myself it could be worse. 

You should get into therapy to deal with HIV and being raped.  Therapy has helped me.  You didn't say whether you reported the rape.  Is it because you don't know who it was or because you feel ashamed?  The guy needs to be stopped before he does it again.

[mecch]

Flash - the OP may have disappeared into the ether.

[leatherman]

Flash - the OP may have disappeared into the ether.

why do you say that? not to besmirch the OP or anyone; but this isn't real-time chat and for all we know the OP only gets to log on from a library access point once a week. (not every pozzie, in fact a lot of pozzies around the world, are not "privileged" enough to have internet access and be on the forums constantly) Or maybe he's been busy out buying a mother's day present.

here at 9:35 on 5/9 it says that the OP was last active Today at 09:24:32 am
the OP's last post was in this thread just a few days ago at May 04, 2010, 09:17:33 am

besides that, the OP was/is having issues wrapping his brain around being poz and realizing that it's 2010 not 1995. Hopefully the OP has been taking some time to read up about current treatment options and life expectancy and is busy contemplating all that - plus adjusting to the new paradigm that he's not going to die (with proper meds) and is probably going to live out a "normal" life.

maybe, he's even already adjusted and is out living his life normally instead of sitting around here obsessing about HIV. Hey, I know it's wishful thinking that that kind of change could happen for the OP so fast, but we all know that, with the right info, the OP should end up having that kind of change of attitude. Most of us here have come to grips with having HIV just like people learn to deal with all the other issues in life. (lordy , if people can adjust to having dead partners and parents, they can surely adjust to having a disease. LOL)

at least your post does show one thing though that WhysoUnfair should take notice of - we're thinking about the OP and wondering how he's doing. Not posting just a couple of days has gotten mecch all flustered and worried about you. 

[mecch]

at least your post does show one thing though that WhysoUnfair should take notice of - we're thinking about the OP and wondering how he's doing. Not posting just a couple of days has gotten mecch all flustered and worried about you. 

yep. all in due time I guess.

[WhySoUnfair]

Thanks for all the response. I've been busy dealing with my depression and dialing the suicide & crisis hotline. I'm glad that I can find support here but actually I wish I had more support in my real life. I told my mom about my status and she's very supportive. Thank GOD!

I didn't report the rape to the police -- I didn't know why. Maybe I was trying to deny the truth.

I still keep thinking about suicide all the time. Have you ever had the thought? if so, what made you to change your mind?

[Matty the Damned]

Thanks for all the response. I've been busy dealing with my depression and dialing the suicide & crisis hotline. I'm glad that I can find support here but actually I wish I had more support in my real life. I told my mom about my status and she's very supportive. Thank GOD!

I didn't report the rape to the police -- I didn't know why. Maybe I was trying to deny the truth.

I still keep thinking about suicide all the time. Have you ever had the thought? if so, what made you to change your mind?

You're a long time dead.

MtD

[leatherman]

I still keep thinking about suicide all the time.

I can't speak to the issues of being drugged and raped; but being diagnosed with HIV is no reason to consider suicide. Sure it means a change in your life, to handle the meds and issues of being positive; but life is about change. There's never any way to know whether changes to our lives will be good or bad; but learning from and rolling with the punches is the way to deal with whatever life puts in our path. Several of us have explained that being poz in 2010 doesn't mean death like in did back in 1985 or 1995. To give up on your future because of being positive is just as stupid as giving up on life if you have been diagnosed with diabetes or even cancer. You just need to learn more and seek medical help to keep you going down whatever path your were going down before you got this diagnosis.

unfortunately there's really little that any of us here can do to help you across the net, but give you comforting words. It's going to be up to you to do the work that needs to be done. if you really are thinking about suicide that much then you should quit talking to the crisis hotline and call to make yourself an appt with a therapist to seriously deal with whatever has changed you from being "ivy educated, promising" to considering suicide. And do it sooner rather than later because none of this will change until you take the steps to start the change.

I hope you take the needed steps soon and then let us know that you're getting the help that you really need to deal with your situation.

[MarkB]

Thanks for all the response. I've been busy dealing with my depression and dialing the suicide & crisis hotline. I'm glad that I can find support here but actually I wish I had more support in my real life. I told my mom about my status and she's very supportive. Thank GOD!

In my time on this forum I have found that while its members are immensely understanding and supportive, they are also uncompromisingly honest and they will tell it to you like it is. As always, Matty the Damned has, in his own inimitable way, put his finger on the heart of the issue here. You speak of suicide, but also of wishing that you had more support in your life, and of your gratitude that your mother has proved to be supportive. That says to me that the thoughts of suicide are in fact not truly suicidal but another way of saying that you wish you could go to sleep for a while, wake up and find that all of this was a bad dream.

Sadly, you can't.

From what you you have told us, not only are you the victim of assault and rape but you are also having to deal with the fact that because of that, you are now HIV+. Those are huge issues and your present depression is completely understandable. But you do have choices. One of them is, as you say, to end your life; and in the final analysis no-one can take that choice from you. However, as Matty pithily puts it, it is also the last of the decisions you would ever be able to make.

Depression is not the time to decide on ending your life. Remember: "When in doubt, don't". You can always end your life another time if that really is your choice. But speaking personally, I don't think it is, or you wouldn't be reaching out for support as you are. All of the people I have ever known who took their lives either did so as the result of a long process of reflection, or on the spur of the moment. If you take your life in a moment of anguish then all of your future possibilities will have been be extinguished. Read some of the stories here. Look at what the women and men on this forum have been able to do with their personal and creative lives after becoming HIV+. As I said before, life is certainly changed; but it has not ended.

With respect, what I suggest you do today is go for a walk, reflect on the fact that you are where you are, and look at all of your options. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself. First of all, as others have said, recognise that you are depressed at this time. Seek professional help. Helplines are all very well and good, but at this time you need more than sympathy. What you need is a clearer understanding of your medical and psychological circumstances, and that is not going to happen if you don't go back to your doctors.

Your life is yours to end if you truly want to end it. But it is also yours to take up again, if you want to. You have said that you were raped and infected: but you don't have to let the bastard(s) who did that win twice.

I didn't report the rape to the police -- I didn't know why. Maybe I was trying to deny the truth.

Bottom line: the facts may be awful, but the facts are always your friend, and nothing is to be gained from "denying the truth". Can I suggest that you reflect on the possibility that whoever did this to you might do it again? That by going to the police you might be in a position to prevent what happened to you happening to someone else? Think about it.

Let us know how it works out.

[mecch]

I agree with Leatherman. Once you learn more about HIV you'll see its hardly a reason to off yourself.  You are probably associating all SORTS of issues to HIV that actually can and will be dealt with and have only a bit to do with HIV.
Get yourself some SSRI's (antidepressants) maybe, and or some anxiety meds, and make sure you get some professional to talk to.
Its great that you have your mom already to talk to!

[ruralguy]

WhySoUnfair-

Well I have to agree that testing pos was the worst shock of my life.  I told my partner and our 3rd sometimes play-mate immediately and they both were very important supports for me in that moment (and still...and we still have sex all the time and they're both negative).  I experienced 'anxiety attacks' and didn't even know what they were.  I do now!  All this happened about 10 months ago.  I went on meds pretty quickly, in September, and they have been totally effective and really without any side effects at all.  I take one pill when I first wake up in the morning and, most days, I don't even think about hiv.  I feel fine, I look fine, I do all the things I used to do.  But you never could have convinced me of this last June when I tested pos.  I was in shock and i didn't get out of it for a couple of months.

So here's my hints:
- give yourself some time to get used to this, it is a shock but the  shock will pass
- see your doctor, follow the routines on meds
- glad you told you mother and that she was supportive, this will be important to you and need only be a few people right now
- get Gallant's book:  101 questions about HIV
- read as you have been but be very careful of reading old info on the net....avoid reading stuff more than a few years old or it will drive you nuts and, in any case, the info is outdated
- do something nice for yourself, now, give yourself a treat of some sort, anything
- be aware that a lot of people around you love you just like they did before...don't forget this

Please come back here now and again and tell us how you are doing.  You'll get lots of support here, and a kick in the butt when you deserve it.  HIV will be part of your life but it won't BE your life.

Hugs. ruralguy

[lusopt]

Who said life is easy, who said life is fair....

You will get used to it, you will learn how to keep going, like we all did.

[WhySoUnfair]

thank you again all my friends. with all the information here and there, now I realize that we will have a relatively normal lifespan. but i'm still so worried about all the HIV associated diseases such as liver failure, heart attack etc. also, rates of depression in people with HIV are as high as 60%!

I'm so sad cos I need to plan my life again. I want to become a world citizen but I will not be able to work in many countries because of this virus......

we have never cured any virus in human history but let's hope for the miracle!

[Assurbanipal]

A belated welcome to the forums.

And take heart.   

Consider the variola virus. ... (You may know it better as smallpox. ) ... It killed somewhere between 300 and 500 million people in the 20th century alone.

Until it was wiped out in the late 70's.



You are still young -- you can still be a world citizen.  And treatment will likely change as much or more in the next 15 years as it has since 1995.

Be well
Assurbanipal

[WhySoUnfair]

Consider the variola virus. ... (You may know it better as smallpox. ) ... It killed somewhere between 300 and 500 million people in the 20th century alone.

Until it was wiped out in the late 70's.

You are still young -- you can still be a world citizen.  And treatment will likely change as much or more in the next 15 years as it has since 1995.

we never cured the smallpox virus in our history, but this disease was eradicated in 1979 after people using vaccine for almost 200 years.

So sad, does it mean we will carry HIV forever?

[WillyWump]

So sad, does it mean we will carry HIV forever?

This is a distinct possibility. But it doesnt mean HIv will kill me or you. The meds can keep the virus at bay indefinately. Once you are UD you've pretty much got it under control where it cannot harm you. People are living perfectly normal lives with HIV, some for more than 20 years or so.

-Will

[Assurbanipal]

Well, if you are looking for individual cures, let me give you another example -- the "German patient"

This was a man with HIV who, due to other health problems, required a bone marrow transplant.  His doctors looked through the registry of bone marrow donors to find one with bone marrow that would produce tcells that could fight his strain of HIV.  They then (through chemo) killed off his existing bone marrow, transplanted the new bone marrow, and appear (several years later now) to have effected a cure.

Now clearly this is not a treatment that will be common (killing off the existing bone marrow is very dangerous in and of itself). 

But what this treatment shows is the way that our incremental knowledge of how HIV works at a cellular and on a genetic basis is accelerating the pace towards finding a cure.

You know, a few years ago there was a statement floating around that really captures the case for optimism for future treatment in HIV and a host of other areas.

 "90 percent of all scientists ... are alive today."

It's tough to get your head around your new circumstances.  But medicine has and continues to improve.  As a young, recently infected person who has access to western medicine, HIV can be a very manageable disease ... if you choose to manage it.

Be well
A

[WhySoUnfair]

People are living perfectly normal lives with HIV, some for more than 20 years or so.

Thanks for the reply. Well, it's hard to define "normal". For me, my life will never be normal again. I keep thinking about HIV all the time. Like I said, I want to be a world citizen, I want to work in different international cities here and there, but so many countries don't issue work visas to HIV+. So sad.

Even after 20 years, I will be still in my 40s. For me the best time in one's life is from 25yo to 45yo. I'm not ageist, I just think that's the time you gain all sorts of life experience. But now, everything is so different for me.

[WillyWump]

For me the best time in one's life is from 25yo to 45yo. I'm not ageist, I just think that's the time you gain all sorts of life experience. 

This may not be exactly what you want to hear right now but HIv will now provide you with different life experiences, not all of them the least bit bad. HIv has changed me as a person, i think it has made me a better person. I am now more in tune with other's people's suffering, I reach out to help when I can now, whereas before I never reached out. This may sound weird but HIV has made me a more tolerant and loving person, which is a good thing. Do I wish I wasnt Poz? Sure I do. But there's nothing I can do it about now so I welcome the good affects HIv has had on me.

-Will

[findingaway]

I was raped in Denver, it was heart breaking and I felt like I was incredibly weak. I didn't report it either, its crazy hard to say something like that because it is like you are having to relive it over and over again. And for you its worse, I don't doubt it. I am recently pos as well, as in within the past three weeks and I don't know how to feel. Its screwed up and all I can ask some days is why. I am the same, I was educated from an amazing school, I was honor roll, involved in numerous groups, fraternity boy as well and received numerous awards and scholarships. I was wanting to go get my masters and work in politics, but honestly why now would I do that, who would hire me, as HIV has a stigma to make me have no morals and be a slut. The fact is the virus doesn't discriminate and anyone can get it. People are the ones that discriminate because they don't understand everything. and that is worse. I hope for the both of us and everyone else on here that something will happen where life continues to get better and this disease becomes like polio and just gets defeated. Its not the same type of thing but i am holding on to that it could happen. because I don't want to have to go through this as I am sure no one does

[Hellraiser]

we never cured the smallpox virus in our history, but this disease was eradicated in 1979 after people using vaccine for almost 200 years.

So sad, does it mean we will carry HIV forever?

Actually there was a concentrated effort in the 70s in particular to eradicate the smallpox virus and now it exists in a laboratory setting only.  By eradicating it we have essentially freed our race of this virus completely.  Smallpox is nothing like HIV however, it runs it's course in roughly a month and either kills you or doesn't.  If you would like an interesting read on the smallpox virus and the eradication effort go read "Demon in the Freezer" it's quite enlightening.

[WhySoUnfair]

I was wanting to go get my masters and work in politics, but honestly why now would I do that, who would hire me, as HIV has a stigma to make me have no morals and be a slut. The fact is the virus doesn't discriminate and anyone can get it. People are the ones that discriminate because they don't understand everything. and that is worse. I hope for the both of us and everyone else on here that something will happen where life continues to get better and this disease becomes like polio and just gets defeated. Its not the same type of thing but i am holding on to that it could happen. because I don't want to have to go through this as I am sure no one does

We are about the same age. I totally understand your feelings. HIV is an STD for most cases in developed countries and most ppl think it's a "whore disease" -- why? maybe nowadays all the HIV prevention commercials are about "safe sex"? My shrink told me it's very hard to catch HIV and she's seen lots of ppl who never practice safe sex keep coming up neg. I told her maybe GOD doesnt love me cos I always have safe sex but I was just raped and infected. I think maybe I have a weak immune system -- is it true poz have weaker immune systems compare to neg before the diagnosis? but HIV is attacking our immune systems right?

It's so harsh to accept this bitter fact and it's even more difficult to live with it. My confidence is below ground zero and I have to plan my life again. let's stay strong and I will PM you.