POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: shadowfluid on July 02, 2007, 05:29:35 am
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So how did you guys get through the first year?
Anyway, I'm a mess of course. Sooo...
Xanax for my anxiety. Thank god it was invented.
St. John's Wort for my depression....even though it's given me slight sunburnt skin which is odd since I'm olive and NEVER burn. It hasn't kicked in yet. My co-infected friend said the depression will "only get worse." I start cognitive-behavioral therapy this week. I'm being pro-active about everything and trying to learn as much as I can. However, reading everything all over the internet and in here has caused a HUGE increase in my anxiety. My metabolism is already high and I'm majoring in dance at my university so I'm already eating A LOT. It's just sooo odd to me. I eat and one hour later I'm shaking from low blood sugar. Then the following week I have NO appetite and don't want to even do laundry or cook. It goes in waves I guess...both the anxiety and depression. Ok tangent.
Would anti-depressants be something to try even though the depression is a mixture of the "summer blues" and all the shit that has gone down? If so, has anyone has awful awful side effects from them? Has St. John's Wort worked for anyone? How long will it be before I become addicted to my Xanax? Anyway my brain has run rampant with a gazillion questions. Feel free to answer any of them. Yes I know I should ask my doctor these questions...but he has a gazillion patients and I always feel like we never have time to discuss them over...so any help would be great! :)
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Hi Shadow,
You need to be careful with St John's wort - it can interact with other medications and cause problems. I'm not sure if it interacts with Xanax, but from everything I've read about the stuff, it's more trouble than it's worth. (SJW I mean)
Make sure you speak to your therapist about any and all meds you're taking when you have your first appointment this week, including any recreational drugs or alcohol. He or she needs this information in order to do the best work with you - they're not going to judge you or turn you in to the cops over your usage.
If you stick with the CBT and do the home-exercises you're given, you may find that you don't need antidepressants at all. CBT is a fantastic tool against anxiety and depression, so good luck with it. It can take a determined effort to stick with it in the beginning, but any effort you make will be rewarded.
If it is at all possible, try to get an appointment with a licensed nutritionist who is familiar and up-to-date with the needs of hiv positive people - especially one such as yourself who has high nutritional needs due to studying dance. You might find some of your issues improving after fine-tuning your diet. (and check out our Nutrition Forum (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?board=8.0))
Most of all Shadow, hang in there. It does get better. The first year is a crazy roller-coaster ride of emotions and we all go through it. Keep in mind that it is normal to feel this way and that feeling sad is sometimes just a part of life. Something I tell myself when I'm down - "this too shall pass". (and it does!)
Hugs,
Ann
xxx
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Hello Shadow and welcome to the forums. Ann gives you very good advice. As far as Xanax and addiction, please be mindful that there's a difference between addiction and physical dependency. Xanax is in the benzodiazepine class and as such is VERY effective at taming one's anxiety as I'm sure you have noticed by now. Many people only stay on it for a brief period, and perhaps once you start having some success with your CBT sessions you will be able to go off of it. Attention should be paid not to cease a benzodiazepine at one time, but to slowly taper off of the medication. However, I've known people to be on this class of medication for long periods with no ill effect. Liver functions should normally be monitored when on this class of drugs initially if you are on HAART which I don't believe you are yet.
Additionally I really must add that if you find yourself being somewhat obsessive with HIV information on the internet and it's aggravating (or even causing?) your anxiety condition why won't you simply turn the thing off? Go buy a book instead. Frankly I often thank God that the internet as it currently is was not available to me when I was diagnosed in the early 90's or I would have gone insane. I realize it's a mixed bag, and can be a positive source of good information as well, but there is such a thing as overload certainly during the first year. You're asking too much of your brain. I'm sure you will discuss this "internet" issue with your therapist, as I see that in five AIDSmeds postings you're already mentioned it twice.
Good luck
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I will also say Hang in there, shadow. You're in a OMG OMG OMG!!! state for now and it is normal. Like Ann said, this will pass, and certainly faster than you expect, especially if you use this forum to get better knowledge, and do not rely on internet searches that can lead to any imaginable website. Of course there will be anxiety, and it seems like you have a good plan to work that, so you're on the right track ! And yes, no Saint John Wort. In the forum about Nutrition & Hiv that Ann references, you will find lots of information about supplements, and some good reports from people, but remember that supplements are not a cure for HIV, you should take them as they are: "supplements", to help your body fight. Once you have determined the kind of supplements that you think you want to take, show the list to your ID doctor to get his or her approval.
Milker.
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Howdy and welcome.
Any words of advice? Not really. Just experience, and like all experience, it's different for all of us. Your life has changed and it's normal to suffer anxiety and depression. It is a hopeful sign, however, that you have the presence of mind to seek help with a therapist. (if only I had done the same a decade ago). There is no roadmap to success on how to deal with a serious disease like HIV. By reading these forums alone, you will be able to see that the experience with the disease cuts across all genders, classes, orientation and races.
I can only relate what I have experienced, like I said. I have come to realize that I am happier when I deal with my emotions honestly, ugly or pretty. When I forgive myself and others for things that have happened in the past... and allowed it to stay there... I have an easier time healing. When I stay in shape, pay attention to my health, and actively pursue doing the things I enjoy, I feel like I am alive. And when I allow depression to smudge my horizon, then I allow it to pass through me, I allow myself to feel sad for a while, and then I let it go.
Things might seem bleak right now. The Xanax might help for a while. I've only ever been able to take such things in small doses, even when I have serious anxiety attacks. But when they do come, they are briefer and I occupy myself with distracting things. The bleakness will fade and your life will continue.
I hope you have many in your life who love you and that you don't attempt to go it alone. And when you need an 'ear', we are right here.
All the best to you and good luck.
Scott
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Hi, all my friends have already gave you lot of suggestions so i guess i only want to tell you... you are not alone.
We are here when you need to talk, about this and about anything else... just be patient and the sun will shine again.
Juan Carlos
(who was dating a dancer when diagnosed... )
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hi well i started to write to u my story and how i relate but it started to get long. so i deleted it and decided i will write to u soon on here. as for now get all the info u can get, ask anyhthing and everyting,and talk to alot of peeps like us. who are in the same boat. and u will find comfort in here somwhere. in yourself ,in life etc.
it will be a year in oct. for me...... i wish i could take back time. but scince i cant i will rely on Jesus/GOD. xoxo
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Shadow my pal, all the postings I have read replying your request worth a million. Definitely, and fortunately, HIV is not the only thing we have in common and IRONIC as it can be, this virus makes you emotionally stronger. You'll soon be saying the same thing.That has being to me a good side effect of the whole process. I have definitely grown, to the point that I've learned to admire myself for being my own hero. If I had only loved myself 15 years ago as I love and respect myself now the outcome would have been different. However, NO REGRETS, life has been good and in the way I've met real friends and supporters. Hugs!
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Howdy Shadow,
First, what Ann said regarding St. John's Wort is more or less gospel. I have known many people who tried it and none had much good to say about it.
The first year is a pain, there is no way around it. You are adjusting to a new part in your life. I would try to remember that HIV doesn't deffine your life, it is only a part of it.
My first year was spent in a substance-induced haze, so you are already doing better than I did.
Hang on to those dreams and aspirations and continue with dance. Some folks don't realize what physical work it is to be a pro dancer.
I would also talk to a nutritionist, if possible. It sounds like you are doing a lot of carbs and not enough protein and, as a result, suffering the consequences with low blood sugar. I am no doctor, but that is what happened to me in the past, so now I watch it a bit more closely.
If you can't see a nutritionist, bring it up with your doc. Don't be afraid to ask him/her questions. Make a list, write them down and then hit the doc with them when you have your appointment.
I don't care if he does have a gazillion patients. You have to watch out for yourself and having a good working relationship with a good doc is key for that.
Keep posting and let us know how things go.
HUGS,
Mark
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hello, im glad youve found us, i hope we can be of help while you get your head around all this.
my advice is to take all the support you can get, both internet and face to face. but try not to live and breathe hiv, you will drive yourself insane, and you dont need to find out everything now, there is plenty of time.
and while i dont think you will do yourself any favours reading anything and everything you can find about hiv, one thing i recommend is that if you must read up you try to limit your 'research' to reputable specialist sites such as this one, avert.org, thebody.com, aidsmap.com
personally i take celexa for depression. although i was already taking it before my poz diagnosis i had the dose upped a bit to help me through the extra stresser. but really i find that equally important is trying to find peace and acceptance with the fact of being poz. that way im not wasting energy on anger or other self-destructive emotions but using my situation for positive change (no pun intended)
lastly, your life isnt over, but it has changed. you may find in a few years time that in some ways it has changed for the better in ways that at the moment you just cant comprehend. good luck in your journey.
lots of love
xxx
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Thanks to everyone who wrote back. I'm printing out all your answers and saving them in a safe place. I'm sure I will need to go back to them all and re-read.
I start therapy this week. Let a new life begin...
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Let a new life begin...
Indeed!
Shadow, it's a new chapter in your life - but by no means the ending of the book. To have a positive attitude is priceless - and it is within your power to have a positive attitude. A sense of humour helps plenty as well.
A word of caution - don't be too hard on yourself. Learn to forgive yourself and look to the future, don't dwell on the past. This all takes time but you are heading in the right direction by going to therapy. Stick with it and be kind to yourself.
Sending positive energy your way...
Ann
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my advice would be dont make hiv the focus of your life....yes you have to look after yourself and change some of your lifestyle,but that can happen anyway for all sorts of reasons.dont make 3 monthly numbers too important deal with it when you have too.once meds start its different........for the first two years apart from hospital appts i never even thought about my diagnosis.......only way to stay sane i believe
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Hi Shadow,
I echo all that has been said above about St Johns Wart - it is not reccomended fow HIV patients in any form as it has a lasting residual effect that can interract with HIV meds.
With your depression, I can fully understand how you feel , as I had a major bout last year and ended up in a private clinic for nearly 3 months. It is a bugger of a problem that not many people understand and it takes a lot of effort from yourself to overcome the problems involved.
I found that daily walks and visiting galleries and places that I didn't usually go to was a big help - it widened my horizons and changed some of my interests. I also made some kit cars and planes to while away the time and take my mind off things.
Always keep in touch with your GOOD friends - they are the supportive ones.
Good luck, Shadow - keep smiling
Regards
Scud44
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Hi!
It is a hard time when you first are diagnosed. I had a hard time the first 2 - 3 months and decided I was wasting to much time worrying about it.
I have adjusted very well with my meds (Kaletra and Truvada) My numbers keep going up, in March of 2006 TCells were around 130 and the VL was 9000. My last exam was 4/2007 and my numbers rose to 470 TCells and VL is undetectable. And the best thing is that I am pretty much still doing the same things I did prior to diagnosis.
As far as emotionally, I am so living my life!
But the hardest part was telling people. If you get a chance read my post titled NEW START in the Living with HIV section, it pretty much explains the last 16 months of my life.
I just recently told 3 female friends and they were cool.
Biggest fear? Telling potential partners...
Just remember that this is not the 80's where all of society was scared. Medical advances are totally awesome these days with meds, and you are not alone.
Keep smiling!
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Wow people keep replying to my post! Thanks again to all...I'm sick right now with a throat infection! Ugh.
Hopefully I can look back on this and say, "Gosh I was such a mess!" :) Time to go drink some tea and run out and retrieve my netflix from the mailman. :)
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.. and retrieve my netflix from the mailman. :)
Ouch. That must hurt. Poor mailman !
Milker.
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Milker you're a trip. :D Hope the movie was good, shadowfluid.
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Ok, here's my silly pedestrian piece of advice.
Take care of your teeth.
I'm sure you've all seen interviews with 90 or 100 year old people who always say, "If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of my teeth."
Back just before Christmas 85 when I was diagnosed, I was told not to expect to see Christmas 86. Though most of the rest of the 80's I saw no point in pouring money into my mouth when I would be dead shortly.
I 89 I had a better job, had not had any health problems, and a future seemed possible. I spent thousands cleaning up the decay from my inaction.
With various ups and down in financial and emotional tides since then, I've gone through bouts of inaction, and then expensive care.
Having just had three more teeth pulled last week, and gotten a recommendation of pulling the rest of my "picket fence" uppers, replacing them with a denture, and adding a plate to the lower -- well lets just say it makes me feel like an toothless ugly old fart.
So as trivial and stupid as it sounds - take care of your teeth. You never know how many more years you'll need them.
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Hey Shadow, I to am a newbie, diagnoised May 8th, started meds May 18th, so I am working on 2 months knowing right now. It is a LOT of information out there, and I know that I have only scraped the surface. I went and got the book by Brett Grodeck "The first year HIV An essential guide for the newly diagnosed." It has been very helpful to me, breaking down the confusing medical language, what the tests mean, feeling angry, distant, depressed, etc are all normal feelings that need to be expressed when they come upon you.
I am blessed that before my diganosis I was going to one of the premier HIV practices in the Denver area, so I have been given lots of attention. It is worth every penny, and it is also very cool that most everyone that works there is gay. They also have a councelor in house that I have been seeing and one thing that he said has stuck with me; "With HIV you have been given a chance to create the life that you want. It is time to stop surviving, and time to thrive."
I keep hearing that it gets better, still waiting for that. The people on here are great and dont treat your questions and fears as trivial. If you have a support group of family/friends they will be your best asset, I know that my family has become a tower of strength and support for me. Without my faith, I dont know if I would be here today. Use these things to support you and to guide you. Educate yourself, get a good heathcare team and keep active here.
Goodluck man, we are all in this together!
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after the storm , the calm.... :o
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hey shadow - like everyone else siad, it DOES get better. It also sounds like you're taking care of yourself and doing all the right things. I've been telling everyone and maybe already you in another thread (sorry if repeating myself) but, Join a support group! My GMHC newly-diagnosed group is really what brought me back to the land of the living and now I have great friends from that group - there's no one that understands like someone in the same boat. since you're in school, if it's a big university, maybe they have something there? otherwise, look around.
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Hey Shadow...It does get easier at least for me it has. I was diagnosed in october this year and at first it can be overwhelming because its the only pretty much the only thing that runs through your mind for the first few months... I have gotten used to the idea now about being positive and well i dont think about it nearly as much as i did at first, and when i do think about it i am rarely bothered by it (but i am on occasion)....
Its good that you are seeing a therapist about your anxiety and hopefully it will help...As far as antidepressants go i would try to see if therapy helps you because once you start antidepressants it can be difficult to stop taking them without falling back into depression (for me anyways)...
As far as the blood sugar is concerned have you ever been tested for hypoglycemia?? If you eat a lot of HIGH SUGAR foods instead of complex carbs and then start dancing/exercising then your sugar may drop rapidly...Your body is fighting off the HIV and you burn a lot of calories while dancing so your body needs even more food than usual, so low blood sugar/weakness could mean your running on a caloric deficit...
Anyways welcome to the forums :-D
-josh
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Hey Shadow...It does get easier at least for me it has. I was diagnosed in october this year and at first it can be overwhelming because its the only pretty much the only thing that runs through your mind for the first few months... I have gotten used to the idea now about being positive and well i dont think about it nearly as much as i did at first, and when i do think about it i am rarely bothered by it (but i am on occasion)....
Its good that you are seeing a therapist about your anxiety and hopefully it will help...As far as antidepressants go i would try to see if therapy helps you because once you start antidepressants it can be difficult to stop taking them without falling back into depression (for me anyways)...
As far as the blood sugar is concerned have you ever been tested for hypoglycemia?? If you eat a lot of HIGH SUGAR foods instead of complex carbs and then start dancing/exercising then your sugar may drop rapidly...Your body is fighting off the HIV and you burn a lot of calories while dancing so your body needs even more food than usual, so low blood sugar/weakness could mean your running on a caloric deficit...
Anyways welcome to the forums :-D
-josh
Hey Josh,
Thanks for the great advice. My anxiety has been affecting my appetite still but I'm dancing on top of it. So I just have to make sure I eat a lot. I've been on Celexa for 2 days and want to go off of it. Making me really agitated. My heart is racing and I can't stop wiggling my legs. I don't have a history of depression, so I feel like this can be worked out with therapy. I don't think the side effects are worth it. Well for me anyways. The anxiety is a bitch, but I'm hoping I get better through time.
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hey shadow - like everyone else siad, it DOES get better. It also sounds like you're taking care of yourself and doing all the right things. I've been telling everyone and maybe already you in another thread (sorry if repeating myself) but, Join a support group! My GMHC newly-diagnosed group is really what brought me back to the land of the living and now I have great friends from that group - there's no one that understands like someone in the same boat. since you're in school, if it's a big university, maybe they have something there? otherwise, look around.
Hi
Yeah I start at the GMHC in LA for the support groups in a few weeks. It will be benificial for me since I'm apparently the only guy in my group of friends that has it. We all seem to not know anyone who has it. And we're in LA! WTF!
I can't wait for the panic attacks/depression to subside on their own. They usually do in time. I'm just being impatient. ha
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Hi
Yeah I start at the GMHC in LA for the support groups in a few weeks. It will be benificial for me since I'm apparently the only guy in my group of friends that has it. We all seem to not know anyone who has it. And we're in LA! WTF!
I can't wait for the panic attacks/depression to subside on their own. They usually do in time. I'm just being impatient. ha
They will...they will. I was constantly afraid I was going to throw myself on the train tracks in the subway on my way to work, during the month I was 'waiting' to find out if the rest of my life was going to be different. I eventually took lexapro which helped the depression and anxiety quite a bit but not, ahem, my sex life...I'm a bit of a slow finisher anyway, if you know what I mean, and this made it ten times worse, :o so I eventually phased it out and now I'm great without it. but it definitely helped take the edge off at first. are you going to UCLA? I have a poz friend there who goes to a group on campus he says if great. I'm actually going to be in LA in about a week for work - maybe we could meet up at abbey or something and I could introduce you guys? he has a great attitude about it all. pm me if you want. absolutely no pressure.