8pm tonight

[sharkdiver]

Hi everyone

I know I have talked about this before  but I have to get it off my chest.

I want to apologize ahead of time. It is a little tragic, so if you are sensitive you might not want to read this, I don't want to bum anyone out.

These are just some random thoughts and feelings that are coming up as I type



at 8 pm tonight ( in about 48 minutes) it will be three years my partner passed away. It was an event that dramatically altered my life in so many, many ways. 

I remember stripping myself of my protective gown and mask; wanting to feel his skin next to mine one last time.
I remember holding him in his hospital bed, planting my cheek to his and whispering, "it's OK Be Love, Be Light" over and over again.  I could feel his pulse slowing and I remember mine was slowing along with him. Maybe this was a hallucination but I felt I was dying along with him.

I had not slept or eaten very much for the last week. On my birthday he was moved to the ICU and I realized that this was the end. So, yeah, my birthday has been a difficult time of the year for the past 3 years.

It's now 7:33  I'm a little shaky right now. But that's OK.
I remember him asking me when we met.5 years ago.."you do know that I'm not as healthy as you, don't you?" I looked at him and only saw a beautiful person with the biggest heart I have ever met. "That doesn't matter" I said. he held me closer and kissed me in public, which for me...that was big....and it didn't matter.

We had planned to go Zion in Utah. We talked about going backpacking too, which I really hadn't done before. He told me " it is the most beautiful place on earth! And I can't wait to show you."  I was so excited and I bought every guide book available.

It's 7:40   I know my friends would  get after me for dealing with this alone at the moment,  but hey I took care of him for the last 6 months all by myself. That's what he chose, he refused hospice care. Oh that would have made such a difference. Damn he was stubborn. "You can do it baby, I know you can."   I can't do it   "You can, please for me, I'll get better. I have been in this position before, I am a fighter."

7:45 I was and still am so pissed off at his Dr. (who is a very well known doc in the Sac area) He pulled me aside 3 years ago ans said "Oh he is a fighter, I'm sure he will be ok"  20 minutes later the doc in charge of ICU came to me as said  "you need to make a decision, he's not going to make it."  I said "But his Dr. said he'll make it."  She explained he would only be alive hooked up to the machine and he's losing conscience as we are speaking. I felt so betrayed by Dr. F.  He never came back, no word, no call.

So I made the hardest decision of my life.  Please turn off the machine, l don't want to see him suffering anymore.

7:52   my heart is pounding.  Somehow I feel as if I'm being transported back to that night, that room, next to him.  I can feel his chest rising and falling ever so slightly. I can feel the warmth of his cheek.

You don't have to be strong for me anymore, you can be with God. I feel his breathing slow down,  i feel our hearts slowing down, I hear nothing but  my heart, i feel him stop moving.
I hold my breath, I want to go with him but i know I can't. I love you so much.

7:59   I hold you closer to me. I feel as if my heart is stopping.

8:00 I feel a rush of warmth flow through my body. was that his soul?  he is gone.

I stayed in the room, I watched the nurses take everything out. I see his face relax. His face was no longer contorted. he looked at peace. finally.

Later that night, my sister called me to tell her she just found our she was pregnant. I told her of the news, she cried. I was numb.  She told me that she was going to name the baby after him.. She did 8 months later (her middle name, yeah a little girl and OH so stubborn)

He wanted his ashes to be spread in Zion, Utah  I went all by myself. 20 miles out in the wilderness. He was right ,it is the most beautiful place on earth. I want to return there again someday but without such a heavy heart and a heavy load to carry

I really didn't think about all of this until this early evening. I guess this is good. I guess i am healing.

Sharkie

[sunseeker]

Very moving.  My prayers are with you, please hang in there, we are here for you.

sun

[Snowangel]

Sharkie-
You brought me to tears. Your story was so profoundly sad and beautiful at the same time. It sounds like both you and your partner were blessed to find each other.  I hope you know that you made his transition easier for him by being there, loving him, feeling him and being you. You weren't alone when you went to Zion. You are an amazing man.  I feel so blessed to have found this forum and everyone here.  Thank you.  Keep healing.
Take care,
Snow

[aztecan]

Sharkie honey,

I'm glad you shared this with us. I understand, I have been there.

All I can say is I'm here if you need me.

BIG HUGS,

Mark

(Yes, Zion is beautiful. The nights there are unbelievable.)

[Jeffreyj]

My heart goes out to you. I had a similar show of love with my wife when she passed away. I never have been able to share it with others(maybe I'll pm you sometime) It's such a deeply personal thing when the love of your life passes on to the next level. I commend you for sharing your private moment with everyone on here.
"I feel a rush of warmth flow through my body" I totally felt that the night of her passing(Nice to know I'm not the only one!"

He is very proud of you while he looks down upon you now. I'm sure of that!

Thanks so much for sharing those beautiful moments of your life.

[komnaes]

I want to apologize ahead of time. It is a little tragic, so if you are sensitive you might not want to read this, I don't want to bum anyone out.

I guess we all have our "tragic story" quota, so please feel free to use them...

Hugs, Shaun

[Ann]

((((((Sharkie))))))

[BT65]

Shark, what a moving story.  I know what you're feeling, baby.  We're here for you. 
  {{{HUGS}}}

[sharkdiver]

The ability to express this has been pretty big for me.

I love you guys,

Sharkie

[AlanBama]

Dear Sharkie,

This is a very touching, heart-felt post; it certainly made me shed a few tears.
It is a testimony to your great love for your partner, and also to your strength and courage.

Like they say, there can be no "testimony" without a "test".

Love & hugs to you at this difficult time,

Alan

[Longislander]

Sharkie,
To have had a love like that is wonderful. Your story was very touching and moving, and proves true love. The memory is so fresh in your mind I felt like we were there with you. I hope one day you can get through the anniversary of his passing more focused on the better times you shared.

Big HUGS
Paul

[Winiroo]

Sharkie you did a beautiful job of conveying your feelings of life with your partner and the emotion of surviving the death of him.
For me there wasnt a sadness but a warmth of understanding and a genuine sense of the love you have for him.

It was a pleasure reading your post.
You may not "get over" the loss. But some day you may be comfortable again.
He was blessed to have someone with him who cared so deeply and loved so strongly.

Wendy

[sharkdiver]

I know this is an old thread but the subject is a little "raw" for me now.

Last night I had dinner with two people I hadn't seen in about 19 years. We had been in a performing group together for about 5 years and pretty much lived together. The subject did come up about who in our group was still alive that we knew was poz. I did confess that I had AIDS and did so while I was working with them so long ago.

I skirted around the story about my life these past 4 years but they wanted to know what I've been through. I was finally able to recount what had happened with Mack's long and painful death, me venturing out alone to scatter his ashes in the wilderness and the ongoing estate battle. I did so without tearing up in public despite, their weepy eyes, but I did lose it "a little" when I got home last night. I think that having to tell my story as well as the other events this week depresses my mood a bit and got me to reflect a little bit on my life, especially as a LTS.

I realized how thankful that I have people in my life that are fiercely truthful and compassionate. I could have been crushed at such an early age when I was infected and there was no hope. I could have given up in my twenties the first time I got "really sick". I could have just let myself die after losing Mack and the life that we had planned together. But no, there were and are people in my life that told me to stop the self pitying, stop the excuses and to keep fighting.

   I am bothered when I hear HIV is a manageable disease. I don't get "frothing mad" as I used to  but That is so Misleading. Yes there are wonderful meds out there, but sometimes they don't work for everyone. Mack lived with AIDS 18years and was resistant to everything up until his death. He never complained once, not once. Despite, developing PML, despite having to get dialysis 3x a week, despite beginning to partially losing his sight  to CMV, despite having lost control of his bowel movements and (me) having to change him constantly. He would just hold my hand  look into my eyes and tell me how much he loved me.

Someone told me that I had to grow a thicker skin, so I wouldn't be crippled by the words or actions of others. They were absolutely correct. It is a necessity to survive this illness.

I have grown a tougher skin...a Shark Skin I'd like to think.

thanks,

Sharkie
(with a shark skin and a steel core)

[pozniceguy]

The love never goes away and the feelings will always bring Joy... even after the body passes the memories and the feelings will sustain you....You are a strong and loving person...

Nick

[komnaes]

Sharkie, I just want to tell you this bit of my story..

When my father was dying I was the main caregiver. I hated him at the time, but my mother was too devastated to look after him, my little brother just got married and my elder sister, well, she was a mess that needed to be taken care when she returned briefly from California to help. I still don't know why I did what I did - changed his diapers, fed him, massage his legs, back and arms with baby oil because he liked it,..

Two weeks or so before he died, he was in the intensive care unit and I was doing my regular washing-up/massage for him. His bed was facing one of the entrances - I realized even then that I barely looked at him when I was doing my "duties", as that one evening when I was massaging I as usual wasn't really paying attention to his face.

An aunt told me this years later - that she just arrived for a visit, and when she was about to enter the room, she saw me and my father through the glass, his face facing the entrance. She told me that she saw him looking down at me, and it was the first time she saw him with a look of warm and contentment. She stayed for a while watching, but decided to leave us alone.

I think back now that even for this very short period of time I cared of him (and definitely not to the degree you cared of your partner), I had made another human being (and it really wasn't just for the link between us as father and son, just two human beings) felt loved and cared of at those dire moments, even though the acts were not motivated by any love I could feel toward him at the time...

What was your partner thinking when he said "I love you"... I cannot even not begin to cry if I now start to put myself in his place...

Big hugs to you Sharkie

[bear60]

I just found this post....you are in my thoughts.

[BT65]

Hey sweetie,

Memories are not easy to revisit when different situations bring them up.  Your wording is so very eloquent though; it really touches me. 

I've learned to grow a thick skin through the years; along with that has grown more compassion.  I don't know if you've found that also, but it just seems that I have a bigger level of acceptance than I used to.  Call it personal growth or too many hard learned lessons.  I think it just happens.

I think of you often.
 Luv,
Betty

[ColtbearNJ]

Mack must have been quite a guy and it sounds like you had a wonderful life together.  Your post is also proof that even after three years, he still lives on in your heart and mind - and you think about him almost every day (as we all do with our loved ones who are no longer "here" with us.)  I'm sure he also visits you in your dreams.  Thanks for sharing your very moving and eloquent post with us, Eric.  Our thoughts and prayers are with you both.

All the best,
ColtbearNJ  (Steve)
 

[sharkdiver]

Hey sweetie,

Memories are not easy to revisit when different situations bring them up.  Your wording is so very eloquent though; it really touches me. 

I've learned to grow a thick skin through the years; along with that has grown more compassion.  I don't know if you've found that also, but it just seems that I have a bigger level of acceptance than I used to.  Call it personal growth or too many hard learned lessons.  I think it just happens.

I think of you often.
 Luv,
Betty

yes, along with the shark skin, I have gained much more acceptance of people and where they are. It doesn't mean I have to like it, but I have learned to be more mindful of my actions and realize I'm not alone in the world.  Knowing that I'm not alone probably is one of the greatest gifts from all of this. Knowing that I can share what is going with all of you is so wonderful. It is part of what keeps me going, not all but an important part.

[HopeandCope]

Sharkie your memories touched such a deep part in me.  Your loving thoughts and words will stay with me.  My hugs are with you tonight.  Jude

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi Sharkie~

I'm sad after reading this.  Just when you think that maybe the wounds have healed some, a certain event or song or place can well everything up to the surface again.  I can imagine how last night at dinner felt for you.  I hear songs on the radio that my late husband used to play in his band and I'll be crying in seconds.  It makes us stronger, I think, to relive the memories and know that we made a difference in someone's life.  Mack is smiling tonight.

~ Cindy

[Bucko]

Sharkie-

As someone who has experienced the same loss, please know that I recognize exactly what you're going through. There's strength in numbers, sweetie and we all have your back.

I don't know whether or not it will help you, but below is a link to the thread I started in April 2007 expressing basically the same thing:

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=11297.0

One of the things that supports me when I'm in the weeds with grief (and, no...it never really goes away), is the recognition that every day that I survive is another day lived in his honor.

Only the best thought-
B

[sharkdiver]

Sharkie-

As someone who has experienced the same loss, please know that I recognize exactly what you're going through. There's strength in numbers, sweetie and we all have your back.

I don't know whether or not it will help you, but below is a link to the thread I started in April 2007 expressing basically the same thing:

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=11297.0

One of the things that supports me when I'm in the weeds with grief (and, no...it never really goes away), is the recognition that every day that I survive is another day lived in his honor.

Only the best thought-
B

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this reply and the link to your thread.

It truly spoke to me

Sharkie

[AlanBama]

Sharkie, I too have grown a 'thicker skin'.   The beauty of growing a thicker skin is that it allows one's heart to become softer.    This is evident in all your posts here.

with love,

Alan