Just and Update on my mental health and work situation

[Peter6836]

First I want to thank everyone for their support it has really been appreciated. It has carried me through some rough times.
The new psychiatrist that I am seeing seems to have helped with the medications. I have had to adjust times and all but my mood has stabalized. I have also been able to concentrate much more in fact am back to reading two books. One on boundries and the other on Happiness by the Dali Lama. These are very good things. Although I hate taking all the drugs that I am taking I also have to admit that they are stabalizing my mood and helping me.
I am back to work although at this moment as a building sub. My pay has been cut dramatically. I have reapplied for my job being my State Certification has come through. I have been placed in a first grade position at this time and am waiting to see if they are going to reinstate me, this would renew my benifits and pay but would result in the loss of my seniority with the district.
I have also applied for a disability retirement, and SSDI as back ups. I will eventually  have to leave the district, it is a very dysfunctional place Detroit. My parents have offered to pay for schooling to retrain me in something that would enable me to work here in Michigan. Teaching right now is not a very at need job.
I would like to thank those that told me to ask for help, it has helped. It just seems so difficult to continually re invent myself because of this bipolar disorder. I know that the HIV does not help much, and even though I was diagnosed two years ago and thought I dealt with it well. I realize that it is an ongoing process and is affecting me still.
Again thanks for your support keep it coming!!!!
Peter

[Peter Staley]

Peter -- this is wonderful news, and solid progress.  It took courage to ask for that help -- you've lifted my spirits today.

Try to enjoy this weekend, okay?

xoxo

Peter

[auspoz]

I have had to adjust times and all but my mood has stabalized. I have also been able to concentrate much more in fact am back to reading two books.

I realize that it is an ongoing process and is affecting me still.

Hi Peter. I just read your post and wanted to say good on you. It sounds like things are picking up for you, and from what you say you seem to be travelling to a better place. I know the bipolar must make things so difficult, but I sense a strength in this post that indicates real progress.

Significant steps to improvement. You're inspiring me. Thanks, and I hope things continue to improve for you.

Auspoz

[emeraldize]

I'm with AusPoz. Your attitude is inspiring.  I am heartened to read your parents are supportive. To have family on one's side makes all the difference, particularly in the challenging times. Em

[BT65]

Hey Peter, good to hear about things looking up. 

When I was taking one of my psych classes, I came across a very good, interesting book.  It's called (I believe) "The Unquiet Mind."  It's by a graduate of one of the ivy-league universities (a woman) who received a PhD in psychology who is bipolar.  It tells of her experience trying to find the right balance of meds etc. and some of the drastic things she went through.  I don't know if you'd be interested in reading something like that, just thought I'd toss is out there.

Have a great weekend and do something fun!
  Luv,
Betty

[Peter6836]

Thank you everyone, my oportunity to be reinstated has taken a back slide. My prinicipal does not want to seem to place me in a classroom. The political dynamics in the building ae intense. I have been placed back in a building sub situation one hour before I was to take the class, After I organized the room. I was quite dissapointed and felt really demeaned by the whole thing. It is easy for me to blame the fact that I had been sick and hospitalized for =the last few years. I am not trying to thing that it is a stigma of my health but it id difficult to keep those thoughts out of my mind. I am going to continue with the dysability and the retraining. In the meantime I will continue to go in an d be a building sub. They are using me to do administrative paper work. I am going to try to not let this get me down. It is difficult to deal with this on a daily basis. Iam trying, I am also seeking help in getting in a program doing counseling for mental health, It is something that I am familiar with. Please send me good thought that I can continue to find the write path for myself.

thank you
Peter

[denb45]

Thank you everyone, my oportunity to be reinstated has taken a back slide. My prinicipal does not want to seem to place me in a classroom. The political dynamics in the building ae intense. I have been placed back in a building sub situation one hour before I was to take the class, After I organized the room. I was quite dissapointed and felt really demeaned by the whole thing. It is easy for me to blame the fact that I had been sick and hospitalized for =the last few years. I am not trying to thing that it is a stigma of my health but it id difficult to keep those thoughts out of my mind. I am going to continue with the dysability and the retraining. In the meantime I will continue to go in an d be a building sub. They are using me to do administrative paper work. I am going to try to not let this get me down. It is difficult to deal with this on a daily basis. Iam trying, I am also seeking help in getting in a program doing counseling for mental health, It is something that I am familiar with. Please send me good thought that I can continue to find the write path for myself.

thank you
Peter

 Have you considered (with your background in teaching) some kinda counselor position? it sounds like it would be better suited in your current situation,something you can ask about, you just may be suprized what good things can happen outta all of this, (something to where you can keep your current Job &  Health benefits) Best of luck to you, and I wish you well....I know you'll pull thur all of this with a positive attitude and outlook  if all go's well you may NOT have to even go on disability at all, just something to think about? 

[Peter6836]

Kicked in the ass again...I was supposed to go into a classroom well they closed another and moved that teacher making me the building sub again.

[auspoz]

Ouch. That must be tough. I'm sorry to hear you've been disappointed once more.

But perhaps there are potential opportunities beyond your immediate troubles. You mentioned ambitions of retraining and counselling. I am not trying to tell you to look for the silver lining, but these projects sound to me to be a possible way to break the cycle of frustrations you seem to be having.

Trust me, I know. I have been trying to get back to my old self, and have come to think that maybe I can just alter the path that I was on, and look for opportunities further afield.

Just some more thoughts for you. I'm sending you good vibes. Hang in there.

Auspoz

[Peter6836]

Hi all just an update, this is getting very hard for me to do. My pay has been cut in half and that is frightening me. I have to drive 25 miles each day one way to get to work. today they had me hauling computers around the building I can hardly get up in the morning and I want to fall asleep all day. I go homre and live in my bed. I have a rash all over my body and I am very tired all the time.
I saw the psych on monday and he told me to take my seraquael in the morning as well as at night when I go to bed. I am very despondent, but he seems to think everything is fine. Or at least better.
I keep having these irrational thoughts about making a cocktail out of all my drugs in the blender. The only thing that stops me is that I am afraid someone would find me and I would end up with some more medical problems.
I dare not tell anyone that I have suicidal feelings for fear that they will put me in the hospital. I do not want to go to the hospital again, for any reason.
I just feel tired and would like to go to sleep again. It seems like that is all I want to do is sleep. I do not know what to do.
I feel like I am walking in a daze at all times in my life her, nothing makes sense to me.
Could just be a bad day. But I would like it all to end, and that takes me back to my bed for th night. I should not keep coming to work and suffering around here in misery feeling low.  I almost fell asleep on the toilet today when I was taking a break. I have no energy or enthusiasum for anything.