And here I go; back to where I started from.

[B99]

I finally went to my HIV doctor last week, after my last post where I basically said I was scared to go.  But I gathered my courage and went.  She gave me Hep A and B shots, etc.  She also took my lab work.
She told me my blood pressure was a little high, and that they had found some traces of protein in my urine. I repeated the urine test.

Today, Monday, she calls me, while I'm at work, and tells me that my CD4 have dropped to 352 and that she wants me to come in next week to talk about medications.  I am at home right now, pretty much having a panic attack.

I don't know what my life is anymore.  I'm not suicidal or anything like that.  I'm basically back at my initial diagnosis 4 months ago.  I just feel lost.  Empty, in a sense.  I am 24 years old and I have HIV and it is destroying my immune system.  Nothing else about me exists right now.  I'm not angry, not sad; I just don't feel anything.  My mind is working over time:  where am I going to get the money for meds if I switch jobs; what will life be like 5 years from now; when are you going to eventually tell your parents and/or friends?

I am about to become a chronic pill popper.  I hate drugs.  I don't even take advil for headaches.  I don't know if I can deal with this. My life...what life?  I haven't even officially started my career, I'm just out of school, I don't have a life yet.  I honestly think I would feel better if I had contracted this in my 40s or later.  By then I would have been in my career, family, car, dog, etc.  But I don't even know if I'm going to be living in the state I'm living in this time next year. I thought I would have more time to deal with this HIV without having medication attached to it.

I have to go back to work, but I am just being mentally over loaded right now.  I know life will go on, but...

D

[Matty the Damned]

B,

Medication is, I think, a dreadful inevitability for all of us. I understand where you're coming from doll.

MtD

[Ithaca_Nights]

"I don't know what my life is anymore.  I'm not suicidal or anything like that.  I'm basically back my initial diagnosis 4 months ago.  I just feel lost.  Empty, in a sense."
Although I have been HIV+ since 1988 and had not needed meds until July of this year, I can relate to this statement.  I also felt like I was just starting over when my numbers stated going screwy and I finally had to start meds.  It was that same feeling of helplessness when I fist found out so long ago.  I have adjusted quickly to the meds and hope you do as well.  Take care of yourself and try and keep an open mind.  You can love with this virus.
Yours, Dan

[kentb]

B,
I would suggest joining a support group through your local ASO.  It might be a big help.  If you don't like the idea of group maybe you would consider the benefit of a therapist who is part of the network for your Co.'s Health Plan.  This is not a simple issue to deal with.
 On a more optimistic note I was just like you when I was diagnosed 6 yrs. ago, I never took any medication for anything, but the truth is the meds are here they are available and you are planning around an RX routine, not a funeral.  It helps to study the evolution of this disease to stop and remind us how very lucky we are.  Please consider the upside of the meds availability and focus on that, then you can take things as they come, dealing with the what ifs can make you crazy.  Please only disclose your status to people you can absolutely trust and people you know will respect your privacy.
Best of luck!

Kent

[otherplaces]

D,

You're racing.  Remember! Take a deep breath. 

I started meds 3 weeks ago.  I know it's different for everyone, but it has been quite an easy transition for me.  Yeah, it sucks that you have to start, but I'm not so sure there's any reason to freak out until you have an actual reason to freak out.   Most likely your first line regimen won't be too hard to take, and might even be easy...especially if you start sooner than later.  Just get your head around that.  Deal with the other stuff later.

I'm sure it feels like the beginning, but I imagine if you look inside you'll see you have all sorts of power to deal with this much better than when you were diagnosed. 

much love,
brian

[LatinAlexander]

Ohh B99!!!...The only thing I can tell you...Is that I am 25, diagnosed 2 months ago, and had to start pretty soon on medicines...

And guess what? Yes, it's kinda a pain (you can see my combo in my signature), and I have had nausea and rash. But we are still here...This is the greatest battle of all the time... The battle for ourselves.

Are you ready to rock? Believe me when I tell you i know EXACTLY how you feel. I am pozitive too (quoting someone from here).

I take one pill ever 12 hours, and 3 before going to the bed...But to a great surprise to someone like me, It hasn't been diffuicult, at least not yet. I simply carrie them with me in my bag. And keep some extra, in case I do not come back home early. But that's it. Yes, I have had side effects, and I have been panicking some times. But this thing shows us the reason why we are the dominant animal in this world...By our internal strength.

Take it easy with yourself. Do not hit so hard your own head. I BELIEVE that there is a "greater good", a "universal reason", for everything happening to us (even this HIV thing)...It's just that sometimes the universe goes mute...But it doesn't mean you cannot deal with it...Just try to keep hgoing, and feel free to come here as many times to say whatever thing you wanna say. For me, I have felt incredible moments of loneliness and sadness, and GREAT AWESOME PEOPLE HERE, has become my FAMILY....

Go for it, you are ALIVE!!!!

Alex

[Eldon]

Hello B99, it is Eldon.

Listen. I understand that you are having a tough time dealing with things right now. You are not alone. I too have gone through the same thing that you are going through right now in your life. You have your whole life ahead of you and HIV isn't going to stop it. You have to learn how to live with HIV. I too had to learn the same.

Get your health house in order, follow your doctor's advice, and set your goals for the things that you want to achieve in your life. It can and has been done by others. Continue to use your support system as a bridge to your future.

Have the BEST Day!

[ndrew]

You are going to be OK.  You face a great emotional challenge, we all do here.  But you are in the company of some of the strongest, loving people on the planet!!  

I have had panic attacks recently as well.  I think coming here has helped me slowly accept my being positive.  For me, it is not a death sentence, but a sentence to live.  I am taking it one day at a time.  I know the day may come soon when I fill that prescription.  I am scared, but I will be OK.

You will get your passion back.  Keep sharing your feelings.

With love and support,
Drew

[Ann]

B,

Slow down here just a moment. "Talking" about meds with your doctor isn't the same thing as taking them. You really should not allow yourself to be pushed into taking the meds before you're ready for them based on one lab result. You need to have a few under your belt so you can see what the trend is. Your next results could easily come back in the 500s - I know, my results have been up and down the whole time I've been monitored. I've been positive for over nine years now and I'm still not on meds.

Please check out the Lessons. There are several that involve when to treat and starting meds. Please read them before you see your doctor again. You are within your rights to make the decision whether to continue to monitor or start meds now. Your CD4 isn't bad at all really and you do have time.

Hang in there...

Ann