rainbak2007:
I think about it almost every day but at the same time most of my family and friends watch over me like a hawk cause of a coment that I made to them " the day I find out that I am Positive is the day that I would throw a party like the movie "it's my party" and overdoes at the party cause I did not want to see my family and friends see me get worst and then die I know crazy but even now I am reconsidering that thought
wiser:
Hello Jamie,
"suicide" caught my eye as I found myself over the past month having strong and persistent feelings in that area. Like you I wrote and talked with friends about it. I went pretty far in imagining how, actually writing letters and such. It was not specifically HIV related I think, just life in general...just being tired of the struggle kind of thing. Even though friends have been supportive, I will be seeing a therapist as I want to check myself out for a chronic depression, as opposed to something that is just immediate. I think the fact that I have been writing and talking so much means to me I am reaching out for an answer or a way to not feel so despondent or demoralized.
As a college student who is POZ, I don't have answers or advice. These are rambling thoughts. I am much much older and have been a school counselor for over years. I have seen hundreds of young men and women with extrremely tough challenges in their lives get through very difficult times emotionally and thrive. HIV would rank as a level 6 stressor on a scale of 1 to 10 of the kind of the stressors I have seen college age people deal with. It is a terrible thing to occur on one's life, and part of it's pressure is we are told it is preventable, it is tied up in relationships and all that. It is like we did something wrong to ourselves and we can feel we deserve to be punished. But I like to see getting infected as part something untoward that happended in an attempt to seek happiness, peace, friendship, love, relationship as it has been for so many. I also would say that a college age person who is POZ can look forward to ever increasing improvements in treatment and control of this condition...perhaps in your lifetime even total control as some of the recent articles in the News section of this forum note. And finally there are just so many wonderful things yet to be experienced in life that no matter what the course of the HIV, that you will be physically more than well enough to taste. Your issue with the break up is really rough. But one of the most common problems I have had high school through grad school people come to grips with is changes in relationships. If not over HIV over tens of other things. Who knows, if the HIV thing didnt happen you might have found yourself at wits end over your relationship ending over some other issue. All life's stresses dont necessarily now come under the heading of HIV....they are just the developmental challenges of life itself.
Keep talking here. Seek counseling from some neutral professional. I did in college over the issue of being gay which at that time was enough to make me want to consider ending things. You are not alone in your feelings and experience.
Just some thoughts.
And thank you for posting. What I have just written and reflected has helped me to deal with my own struggle. They say love engenders love. I am seeing here in the forums, that coping engenders coping and keeps hope alive.
pozattitude:
--- Quote from: JamieD on July 05, 2007, 11:48:59 pm ---pozattitude,
Is there anything you think I should know as a positive college student, that would differ as a person who is just positive?
Jamie
--- End quote ---
I don't think it makes a difference if you are poz or not at far as being a student. When I tested positive, I dropped out of school... I couldn't deal with it. I wish I hadn't done that, but that is how it was. I was too depressed and didn't do anything about it. If anything my only suggestion would be to say...Don't let HIV stop you from persuing your dreams. If you feel you have to much to deal with right now and you feel you can't handle the pressure, seek help. Make sure you take care of yourself not just the HIV, but your mental health.
SoSadTooBad:
Jamie - lots of good advice from the people here. Take things a day -- or an hour -- or a minute at a time so you don't get overwhelmed.
Don't fast forward to the next awful thing that COULD happen. The only thing you control is how you go forward, and the kind of life you live from this point on - so grab a hold of it when you can, and make something of it.
Keep in mind, I got from a 78 CD4 count to 355 in 9 months on Combivir and Sustiva - huge improvements are possible, and even likely if you focus on keeping yourself moving forward.
Every minute you spend thinking about ending your life is a minute you are not spending living your life.
dufusmaximus:
I was infected around 2002, but did nothing about it. I thought I had about 10-15 years before anything would start to happen, but in late 2006 my numbers were bad and I was told to begin meds ASAP. I just started counseling, atripla and paxil. Suicide is a touchy subject, but I will try to be honest here. I think suicide is an acceptable way to exit. I won't lie and pretend that life is so very precious, it's about quality NOT quantity. I'd rather have 5 good years and then go before it gets really nasty. I do not want to wind up in a hospice, stuck in a corner, rotting away. Suicide is not easy and failed attemps can leave you worse off. I wish there could be more discussion and dignity about this topic, but it is hard. One way is to not worry about it until you are so sick, but then you may be unable to end your own life, so you will then be at the whims of whatever caretaker you have. If you plan, you can get a little morbid about it, but it can also free you up. Deciding to end your life is, well, pretty final. Why do you want to do earlier than you would? Are you highly emotional? Are you super sensitive? I wish I could discuss these issues with my therapist, but I'm afraid she'll just hit some red panic button and guys in white jackets will haul me off to some state institution. So when they ask me if I have suicidal thoughts, I just shake them off, but I feel I should be able to discuss this. Has anyone been able to to talk to a therapist about suicide?