Coming Up On Eight Months

[Keav]

It's such a relief to know that there are forums available for people going through such a life changing experience.

This upcoming Saturday will be eight months of knowing that I was infected with HIV. It has definitely been a whirlwind since finding out.

Back in December, I went to the doctor for my annual physical, not realizing that I would get a returned phone call from my doctor asking me to make another appointment to see him as soon as possible. Numerous things were going through my head because I didn’t know what exactly why he wanted me to come back. In previous years, I would normally get a phone call saying that things were well. I went to the doctor with an enormous amount of anxiety and nearly passed out when he told me that I was infected with the virus. Around the same time of finding out, I was actually dating someone that had the virus but knew that he couldn’t had given it to me because we hadn’t done anything sexual. I come to the conclusion that a person that I was dating exclusively was the one to pass the virus along to me. I get tested every year and was tested just before we began talking and he was the only one that I was exclusive with throughout the year of 2013.

Since finding out, I have been so hard on myself. I am one person that is very vocal towards my friends when it comes to making the right decisions when it comes to everything. At the same time, I should have been taking my own advice. I feel as if I have let myself down and even though I am still in a relationship with someone that also has HIV, I feel that I don’t deserve him or anyone else. He has been a great support with being there if I am need or having any questions and I love him for that, but feel that I should end the relationship until I come to terms fully. Before finding out, I was full of life and living it to the fullest. Fast forward to today, it isn’t anything like that and he is getting the brunt of it. When it comes to any type of affection, I just shut down because it takes me back to how exactly I got infected. I feel that I am holding him back on life and feel that he deserves so much more. He understand that it’s a process and says that he will wait for me; I just don’t know how long it will take for me to come to terms though.

As for the person that infected me, I have reached out to him numerous times to inform him, but prior to meeting up with him, another obligation pops up and it never happens. I don’t feel that I should address it with him by phone or through text, at the same time, I feel like giving up in trying to meet up with him because it isn’t executed. I do feel that he needs to know, especially considering the fact that he could possibly spread it to other people, and also because he doesn’t have health insurance. I am lucky to have a great job and great benefits and receive great services, so that is why I worry.

In reference to my health, I feel that with having the virus, I am taking better care of myself. With the meds  I am taking, I am being super conscious of decisions, especially when it comes to food intake. Since February, I have lost a total of 26 pounds, which both my ID doctor and PCP are excited about. I am into exercise like there is no tomorrow and will be doing my fourth 5K for the year, Saturday. My CD4 numbers are reflecting nice since taking the meds and was undetectable within a few months.

It's a hard process overall, but feel that it will definitely get better over time.

[Ptrk3]

I'm very sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but glad you have found this forum.

Much of your story resonates with what I experienced, though my diagnosis sounds
like it came much later on in the infection process, little over a year ago (dx'd
in August 2013 in hospital with PCP, CD4 of 9, VL 111,000).

Reconstructing things now, I was most likely infected for some 14 years before I learned of my positive status (presuming that unprotected oral is not a transmission
mode, which many long-term people on his forum believe) after a one-time only experience my entire life. Sadly, that's all it takes:  one time.

The good news for you--the lucky part for being so very unlucky in the first place--is that you found out relatively early in the process.  That might not help you much emotionally at this stage of things, but it is a good thing for you long term.  Be grateful that you know so that you can fully take advantage of the miracle of cART (when needed, if you are not already on meds).

I have had many of the same thoughts that you do and have also been very hard on myself, have experienced deep depression for which I have sought professional help.  Even now, I have good days and bad days with depression, though I am physically in good shape (UD and CD4's rising slowly--now off the meds to prevent a recurrence of PCP or a MAC event--so down to just one Atripla a day, which I was put on immediately at diagnosis).

Be good to yourself.  Be kind.  It does get better.  In fact, it seems to me that you  are handling things quite well in terms of your acceptance of things (better than I, maybe).  Also, you are obviously articulate and in good touch with your feelings, have loving support around you, and are living a productive life.  Good for you.  Keep strong.  I wish you and all of the people on this forum continued strength and continued good health.

[Almost2late]

Hello Keav, and welcome to the forum.. sorry to hear of your dx but as Ptrk3 says and I don't think I've could of said it any better myself, "it does get better" and he is absolutely right in that your lucky you caught it early.. Its gonna take a little time but you will notice the difference later, try not to beat yourself up too much about it... It's very impressive that your running 5k and keeping your health in check  good for you! .. Now just try and do the same with your mind, your alive and living healthy with hiv.. The fact that your already on ART, I think was a wise decision cause now you have stopped the virus from doing anymore damage to your immune system and keeping that crap from building up in your body.. I wish I could of caught this earlier but this wasn't the case for me.. And yet I'm feeling pretty effin good about myself lately , so can you.

Wishing you the best, good luck