Newly diagnosed, scared and unable to cry...

[jughead]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. I was just diagnosed HIV+ June 17. Being unemployed and with no insurance I had to wait until July 10 for a Dr. appointment at my local clinic. I originally wasn't going to be seen until July 29. The waiting and not knowing my numbers has me terrified. My last negative test was November 06. I think I seroconverted last August, but thought it was just the flu at the time. Anyhow, what prompted me to get tested was that I had been diagnosed with shingles, and read that this was uncommon for someone my age unless they have a compromised immune system. Yesterday my doctor told me I had thrush... Now I'm afraid that my numbers are going to come back saying I have AIDS.

Now I have to wait 2 weeks for my bloodwork results and numbers.

I feel angry at myself for letting this happen when I knew how to protect myself, scared, sad, but unable to cry...I wish I could just let it all out but on some level I'm afraid that if I do I won't be able to pull myself back together.

I also have bipolar disorder...luckily I have been seeing a therapist so I do have some support system in place.

I don't want to burden my family with any of this news yet, I don't want them to worry needlessly until I at least know what I'm dealing with... My siblings and I have lost our parents and had many other deaths and tragedies in our family over the years. I know they would be supportive, but really can't bring myself to tell them.

I've been reading the posts here and have found a lot of useful information on this website... Not sure what I'm asking here but any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated...

I admire everyone here for their bravery and willingness to reach out.

Thank you so much,

Jug

[Matty the Damned]

Hi Jug,

Welcome to Teh Forumz. Sorry you had to join but I'm glad you did anyways. Consider checking out our Lessons.

Fondly,

MtD

[BT65]

Hi Jug,

Welcome to the forums.  I'm glad you found us.

None of us can even hint as to where we might think your immune system is, of course.  If your infection is recent, as you think it is, then it's pretty normal for your numbers to jump around until your body gets used to its newest occupier.

About your family, well, everyone has to decide for themselves when the best time is.  I told my mum right from the get-go, and she told the rest of my immediate family.  My mum got herself educated and my family is supportive.  Since that time, both my parents have died.  I can relate to having tragedy in the family.  My family has had our fair share.  You know your family best.  Maybe once you've seen the doctor and know better where you're at, then you'd feel more comfortable letting your family in on your having HIV.

I would encourage you to contact your local ASO (Aids Service Organization).  They have wonderful people who work at those places; people who can walk you through a lot of all this new stuff (labs, what the numbers mean etc.).  If you ever would need government assistance, they can walk you through that as well.  They also usually have an HIV support group or two where you can meet other local folks dealing with this.  And if ever need be, they can tell you the name of a good therapist. 

Good luck and keep in touch with us.  And give yourself some time to adjust. 
  Luv,
Betty

[komnaes]

Hey there Jug,

Sorry you have to join us, but I am glad you found the forums.

Hugs, Shaun

[Andy Velez]

Welcome, Jugs.

This is all very, very new to you. And you don't have to be concerned about knowing everything all at once. You're going to be under a doctor's care and that is important. You might find it helpful to keep a little pad handy in which you can write down any questions that occur to you for your doctor or that you may want to ask here.

You've got a lot of knowledge and support here so feel free to use it. You can also discuss anything that's on your mind. I urge you to not be in a rush to disclose your status. Read our lesson on Disclosure.

Your life is now going to be changed by being positive. But it is going to go and it's still going to be a good life. Just takes some getting used to and making sure you're taking good care of yourself.

You're welcome to come here as often as you like.

Cheers,   

[jughead]

Thank you Matty, Betty, Shaun and Andy... I appreciate you all taking the time to respond...

I'm hanging in there as best as I can right now... Thanks for the welcome and the advice...

Jughead 

[OutOfDarkness]

Hello Jug,

Wanted to say hello and welcome.  Sorry to hear that you are not feeling well.  Stay in touch with your doctors and ask them for help.  It takes time to get used to the idea of being poz, be patient with yourself and be good to yourself and remember we are here!

[jughead]

Thank you Out Of Darkness...

Hugs to all...

[Peter Staley]

Jug -- glad you found us.  Based on the shingles, I'd mentally prepare yourself for some not-so-great numbers when your blood tests come back, but this can all change quickly with treatment.

We'll be here for you for every step of the way.

Peter Staley
Founder
AIDSmeds.com