Can I expect things to get bad

[hopeful husband]

My wife has been positive for over 14 years, we have not lived together for over a year now. She has been very sick recently, kidney, high blood pressure problem and weight loss. My daughters do not know their mom is positive and she has a partner that does not know she is positive. I feel things are going to get bad pretty soon, Any comments?

[Ann]

You haven't given us much to go on. Is she on meds? Does she see a doctor regularly to monitor her hiv? Do you know her numbers? Without having more details, it's difficult to know what to tell you.

[red_Dragon888]

Yes, she must see a doctor and get support from the affected HIV community.  She may have other preconditions that she is unaware of.  Either way, have her call a HIV/AIDS hot line to find support in her area. She should also check this forum or go to poz.com to get more info and support.

[hopeful husband]

She has been seen a specialist for around two years now and is on medication, but she looks worst every day. She was just diagnosed with thyroid cancer and will be having surgery within the next couple of weeks.

I am so confused and afraid will things go down hill quickly, am I doing the right thing by not telling my daughters. How much longer will she be able to keep this from our daughters, her partner, work and everyone it's obvious that she's very sick

[Stone]

I am sorry this happening to you and your family!  As for telling your daughters, it really isn't your tale to tell so you have to respect her decision.  You don't have to agree with it, just respect it.  That being said, you can talk to her, tell her how you feel, and encourage her to tell them herself or allow you to do so.  If she refuses at least you tried.  I would be sure to tell her that the information may be disclosed while she is in the hospital when her providers are discussing lab results, plan of treatment, or complications so if she decides to keep quiet she will need to make sure her caregivers know and are mindful when having discussions about her case.

As for how things will go, don't count her out.  A lot will depend on how ready she is to fight.  As a nurse I have seen a lot of people walk out the door that never should have been able to do so but they refused to quit.  I had one patient that was given 6 months or less to live on at least four separate occaisions.  They lived for 13 plus years!!!  Personally I lost one of my best friends a few years ago but he lived five years longer than they thought he would and made it through two surgeries that to this day I have no idea how.  He made up his mind that he wasn't going anywhere and he didn't. 

As for keeping the information a secret, the cancer will provide her with a cover story should she decide to go that route.  Every knows you look awful when dealing with cancer so no one will question it.

Your most important role in all of this is to be there, give her support, and be the cheerleader. 

[mecch]

This thread bugs me a little bit. To the OP:  You haven't provided enough information about your wife regarding her treatment history and her numbers.  I personally do not understand - are you expressing concern about her dying of HIV?  

It sounds to me like your wife is very sick with cancer.  We don't have enough info here to say anything about how she is doing with her HIV infection.

Anyway, I think you got some good advice here on the disclosure.  For the cancer:  I hope she fights this sucessfully and gets well again.  Maybe she is willing to tell you her prognosis on the cancer.

Also, maybe she is willing to tell you details on her fight with HIV.  Maybe not. 

[Joe K]

As a parent, it's up to you and your wife to decide on how and when to tell your children anything about her health.  It's up to her as to what she decides to tell her partner.  You don't say how old your children are, but if they are 8 or so, they probably already know that something is very wrong.  We were divorced, when we decided to tell my daughter that I was poz, we did so because my health was failing, I looked like it, however we did not want her to think that any of it was her fault.  Kids can think the strangest things sometimes and I urge you and your wife, depending upon their age, to tell them the truth.  They don't need to know about her being poz, but the cancer will be very hard to hide.  Let them do their part to help heal their mother, because there is nothing worse than feeling powerless to help someone that you truly love.