Author Topic: Just needed to get these thoughts out (Read 14843 times)

gemini20 · « **on:** June 24, 2008, 07:38:32 pm »

I’m no longer living but existing.

I’m sick again and this time it’s beginning to scare me.

I am alone and I have no one in my life who can take that fear away, not even the cat anymore.

Seventeen years of my life have been spent trying to stay one step ahead of this stupid fucking virus and I think it’s finally caught up with me.

This fight is getting harder and I’m not sure I have the strength to carry on anymore; I just want this all to be over now; my time is done.

I am struggling to find reasons for me to keep going. I can or rather hope I will do it for other people because I’m not sure I can do it for myself at the moment.

Maybe in the morning the sun will shine brighter and clear away this darkness.

Emma

Robert · « **Reply #1 on:** June 24, 2008, 09:53:04 pm »

Quote

I am alone and I have no one in my life who can take that fear away, not even the cat anymore.

Aw emma. Boy, I know you really mean business when you say even your cat seem to help you. That's really not a good sign. Just 2 minutes ago I was outside looking at Jack, our donkey. He was sprinting, running as fast as he could, from one end of the pasture to the other. Like he was trying to get the cramps out. He just put the biggest smile on my face. It's Jack and the dogs that keep me going. Just between me and you, nothing or nobody else comes close.

this is just to let you know that I really, really care in case you forgot....(but I don't think you did.)

In the meantime, go out and grab a cuppa tea and think about the school kids. Maybe that will help.

robert

AlanBama · « **Reply #2 on:** June 24, 2008, 10:19:10 pm »

Dear Emma,

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I truly hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.

To me, that is the beauty and wonder of this group -- when you are down, or weak, you can lean on some of the stronger ones and count on them to "pull you through".

We're here for you honey. Do take care of yourself, I know you are worth it.
You matter and your voice matters, don't ever think that you don't.

Love & hugs,
Alan

YaKaMein · « **Reply #3 on:** June 24, 2008, 10:48:53 pm »

Emma,

I'm very sad to hear that you're so down. Wish we can help you feel better.

Sending a big caring hug to ya. YaKaMein

Jeff G · « **Reply #4 on:** June 24, 2008, 11:10:53 pm »

Hi Emma , my name is Jeff
I don't think we have met on here before but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear your having a bad time of it lately .

As a long time survivor I know how you are feeling , Ive been there too more than once .
some how I always managed to hang on and get better even when I did not believe that I could heal again . I also know how hard it is to face HIV all alone .

The one bright side here is there are many people online here every day . I know I spend a good deal of time on the forum so that I'm not so lonely . Just know that you are not alone and if you ever want to talk I would love to hear from you .. Jeff

ubotts · « **Reply #5 on:** June 25, 2008, 08:23:39 am »

Hello Emma,

I know how you feel believe me..I had it very rough the last few months, but I hung in there and I am glad I did.

I am doing much better now...

I have been exactly where you are now, but it will pass..It did for me and it will for you, so please hang in there, and my prayers will be with you.

aztecan · « **Reply #6 on:** June 25, 2008, 09:00:57 am »

Hey Emma,

I don't think any of us who are long-term survivors haven't harbored thoughts like these.

When I start to feel like this, when the fears start to creep in, the depression and the feeling of uselessness start to show up, I usually try to do something I really enjoy to reaffirm why life is worth living and fighting for.

In my case, it could be a walk in the woods or through the desert or mountains, visiting the arboretum, working in my garden or just wandering around my neighborhood.

The bottom line is sometimes we have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.

If you feel there is more going on here, or something deeper that you may not be able to overcome alone, please reach out for help. Counseling, therapy or support groups can really be helpful when these times occur.

Take care of yourself.

HUGS,

Mark

BT65 · « **Reply #7 on:** June 25, 2008, 09:29:15 am »

Emma, I hope you're feeling a bit more up today. As a LTS myself, I know exactly what you're going through.

I agree with Mark about the counseling. We all need extra help sometimes. Anyway, here's a {{HUG}} and a wish for you.
Luv,
Betty

Texan38 · « **Reply #8 on:** June 25, 2008, 10:33:29 am »

Hi Emma,

Just sending you a huge Texas size hug - for what it's worth and a shoulder for you to cry on anytime- from a stranger who cares....here's hoping your day is so much better.

Love,

Mark

gemini20 · « **Reply #9 on:** June 25, 2008, 01:25:43 pm »

Thank you all for caring enough to post, for your cyber hugs and uplifting words; this place really does have some wonderful people who say the right things at the right time.

The sun has been shining bright today but I'm still in the same place I was last night; it doesn't help that physically I am feeling like crap with yet another upper respiratory infection, got antibiotics and an inhaler from my doctor today so maybe when they kick in my mood will also lift.

Quote from: aztecan on June 25, 2008, 09:00:57 am

I usually try to do something I really enjoy to reaffirm why life is worth living and fighting for.

Well I've got my 50th Bruce Springsteen gig in Paris on Friday and ordinarily that would be enough to bring me out of this darkness but even that wasn't enough last night; still I have another 48 hours to get me in the mood!

Quote from: Robert on June 24, 2008, 09:53:04 pm

this is just to let you know that I really, really care in case you forgot....(but I don't think you did.)
In the meantime... think about the school kids.

No, Robert I haven't forgotten - and thanks as always for being there for me. At the moment it's the school kids that are keeping me here - I already have over 30 school visits booked for the next academic year and I can't let anyone down by doing anything stupid, however tempting that thought was yesterday.

I have been in this headspace before a long time ago, and like Ubbots, I will hang in there and get through it because the alternative would be a victory for the virus and I sure as hell am not handing it to the fucker on a plate.

Thanks again everyone,

Emma

MarcoPoz · « **Reply #10 on:** June 25, 2008, 01:50:37 pm »

Emma,

What you are showing all of us here is the true definition of the words courage and bravery. Despite what you are going through, your self knowledge about how we can get into this head space--but your understanding that you're not about to give HIV an easy victory after all this--is truly amazing. Thank you for letting us share this with you.

-Marco

Winiroo · « **Reply #11 on:** June 25, 2008, 03:33:28 pm »

Quote from: gemini20 on June 24, 2008, 07:38:32 pm

I am struggling to find reasons for me to keep going. I can or rather hope I will do it for other people because I’m not sure I can do it for myself at the moment.

When it gets too tough to do it for yourself doing it for everyone else always worked for me.
I'm working on getting better. Hope you will too.

heartforyou · « **Reply #12 on:** June 25, 2008, 04:29:34 pm »

Hi Emma,

You have always showed kindess to me in my darkest dyas.

I will lit a candle for you tonight.. may it's light shine on you and give you the courage to go on.

You have every right to call "IT" the fucking virus....

love

Hermie

OneTampa · « **Reply #13 on:** June 25, 2008, 08:37:51 pm »

Hi Emma,

I can relate to how you feel.

It may not strike you at first, but by your post you have done a great service by playing forward the need to be mindful of the daily struggle HIV+ survivors endure and to remind us that we must continue to care for each other. I am sure you will find the strength to lift your spirits and press on.

Warmest regards

Robert · « **Reply #14 on:** June 26, 2008, 02:00:07 am »

I'll probably get in trouble for this. This is priveledged information on a "need to know" basis only. But it's just too good to pass up.

If any of you want to know where Emma is going to be for the next 6 weeks, just look at the schedule below:

Bruce Springsteen Parc des Princes
Paris, FRA June 27, 2008
Friday 8:00 pm

Bruce Springsteen Estadio de Anoeta - San Sebastian
San Sebastian, Spain July 15, 2008
Tuesday 8:00 pm

Bruce Springsteen Bernabeu Madrid
Madrid, Spain July 17, 2008
Thursday 8:00 pm

Bruce Springsteen Camp Nou
Barcelona, Spain July 19, 2008
Saturday 8:00 pm

Bruce Springsteen Camp Nou
Barcelona, Spain July 20, 2008
Sunday 8:00 pm

Poor Emma. After July 20, her friend Bruce comes back to the States. We couldn't get her to come over here for the GAthering. Maybe, just maybe, Bruce can get her to come over. Emma....if he does, you let us know and we'll get the welcome committee to go all out. His first gig here is at Giants Stadium in E. Rutherford, NJ. We'll be there. We'll get Peter and Tim to host us.....

robert

Peter Staley · « **Reply #15 on:** June 26, 2008, 10:59:36 am »

Emma -- I'm glad you put your thoughts down here. Please keep fighting.

Peter

Andy Velez · « **Reply #16 on:** June 26, 2008, 06:20:58 pm »

Emma, your truthful words are searing to read. Hope you can somehow get through this time and that you have a totally great time in Paris with Springsteen. Whatta combo, the Boss and PARIS! Zoweeeeeeeee.

Cheers and hugs, Ms. Emma.

gemini20 · « **Reply #17 on:** June 30, 2008, 06:46:49 pm »

They say a week is a long time in politics but a week in the life of someone with HIV sometimes feels even longer.

This time last week I was in a very dark place and had reached the point where I was struggling to find a reason to keep me here. Thankfully I was able to articulate those fears in my original post and just that act of putting the thoughts out there was enough for me to recognise where I was and how I needed to get out of that darkness.

While I was trying to figure out my strategy for doing that something occurred that has now got me thinking that actually HIV might just have provided me with a silver lining from that dark cloud.

I gave my HIV talk at a school last week and afterwards I was introduced to a member of staff who had sat in and listened to me speak. In a five minute conversation with this man I felt an incredible connection, almost impossible to find words for the feelings that were there. Amazingly he felt the same and emailed me the next day and asked if we could meet up for a drink and to carry on our conversation.

Several long emails have subsequently been exchanged and we have a ‘date’ on Wednesday evening this week which I already sense will be the first of many. And the best part for me is that because he’s listened to my talk I have no need to worry about the disclosure conversation as he knows my life story before we’ve even been out together!

Added to this turn of events was another awesome Bruce gig in Paris on Friday night and somehow that place I was in last week already feels like a distant memory. I hope it’s a very long time before I find myself there again.

Emma

Winiroo · « **Reply #18 on:** June 30, 2008, 07:04:09 pm »

Awww thats just wonderful. I am so glad to hear you have hit a great turn in the road.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6yzjDXp_og&feature=related

AlanBama · « **Reply #19 on:** July 01, 2008, 07:07:18 pm »

So glad things are looking up honey.

Look for that silver lining....it's usually there, just gets harder to find it sometimes.

hugs to you,

Alan

QUANPETE · « **Reply #20 on:** July 03, 2008, 05:29:45 am »

Hi emma ~ I feel the same way as you do and with all my friends dead by 1991, i am alone , my family has gone away from me, except my mother even my brother doesn't deal with me _any hiv- friends are no longer calling less coming over, can't even get a free meal anymore- i want to give up to. if their was a pill i could take to get out of this awful most painful life i must live alone.... i would do it in a heartbeat..., then i think f**k that! i can't give up- I'm an Aids Activist!!! as least for the youth in my family even if they don't talk to me - i will say it til the moon turns pink! plus, i also talk to gay youth kids in other cities through the internet, what will they think, if i off myself?? not a good role model, i don't feel like one anymore even when, i do a good job when their on line- a smile , a laugh, and the nightmare AIDS REGARDING THE PAST 1980-1995 (since they were in diapers when we were in our Aids holocaust). i'm sure i would be forgotten in no time, I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE, I'M IN SO MUCH NERVE PAIN FROM MY FEET TO MY SHOULDER GOING TO TO MY EAR CAUSING EAR ACHES Level 8+. Oh, by the way my Long Term surviving is 24 yrs. AND I ALSO HAVE SURVIVOR'S GUILT MY FRIENDS DIED WITH ONE ROUND OF PCP, I SURVIVED IT 3 TIMES..
WHY? WHY ME? with other OI's too. WHAT DID I DO TO LIVE?, WHEN SO MANY MORE SMARTER PEOPLE COULD DO BETTER ON THIS PLANET THAN ME, unless it's taking over a republican senator's office or chaining myself to the white house gate...+ SO MUCH MORE TOO. BUT BACK TO THE PAIN, I TRIED EVERY TYPE OF MUSIC,ECT.. i'm sometimes sick as hell and will go see a show anyway like, u2 or coldplay and am suffering but I TRY TO REMEMBER THAT FEELING OF THE SHOWS. FOR THE TIMES WHEN I WANT OUT OF THIS BODY. it's so hard to sit and write - i love poz and been receiving the magazine since my brain remembers.
the 42 pills i take a day - i'm sure it does help a little - with much side effects, i can't even get to most drs. appts. since i can't drive due to major burry vision (yes i am positive for cmv & toxo not to mention diabetes ) i used to be a fit man but, since these toxic meds which keep us alive and suffering, i gain most weight due to Lyrica 60 lbs. in less than 40 days. ( try and get your breath back after that one : ). * it does help to write it out when no human being wants to be around you cause all you talk about in the latest in hiv/aids.
I'm in a fire they can't get to, and they (meaning family,folks i know,seniors i help) will never understand- DOES ANYONE understand?
my name is Pete, i hope to be able to sit this long to write again.. any encouragement would be appreciated. stay strong emma and i will try to. it's 2.16.13am the night is the hardest. THIS PAIN IS SO UNBEARABLE. i must go now. good luck to all of you who read this and all who don't. STAY POSiTIVE so to say, lol . cheers blood mates~ pete

BT65 · « **Reply #21 on:** July 03, 2008, 07:29:05 am »

Pete, welcome to the forums. You ask if anyone understands-yes. We do. Hope to hear more from you.
Luv,
Betty

MOONLIGHT1114 · « **Reply #22 on:** July 03, 2008, 08:32:47 am »

Emma~

Its so good to read that you feel better and that you have met someone, too! I am a true believer in the power of music and was thrilled to see that you are such a big fan of Bruce! The first time I EVER went to a concert was here in Washington, DC in 1980. I was 10 years old and had 10th row at Bruce's concert! "The River Tour"!

Baby, YOU were born to run! Keep fighting and keep that chin up!

~ Cindy

Peter Staley · « **Reply #23 on:** July 03, 2008, 07:19:09 pm »

Quote from: QUANPETE on July 03, 2008, 05:29:45 am

Hi emma ~ I feel the same way as you do and with all my friends dead by 1991, i am alone , my family has gone away from me, except my mother even my brother doesn't deal with me _any hiv- friends are no longer calling less coming over, can't even get a free meal anymore- i want to give up to. if their was a pill i could take to get out of this awful most painful life i must live alone.... i would do it in a heartbeat..., then i think f**k that! i can't give up- I'm an Aids Activist!!! as least for the youth in my family even if they don't talk to me - i will say it til the moon turns pink! plus, i also talk to gay youth kids in other cities through the internet, what will they think, if i off myself?? not a good role model, i don't feel like one anymore even when, i do a good job when their on line- a smile , a laugh, and the nightmare AIDS REGARDING THE PAST 1980-1995 (since they were in diapers when we were in our Aids holocaust). i'm sure i would be forgotten in no time, I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE, I'M IN SO MUCH NERVE PAIN FROM MY FEET TO MY SHOULDER GOING TO TO MY EAR CAUSING EAR ACHES Level 8+. Oh, by the way my Long Term surviving is 24 yrs. AND I ALSO HAVE SURVIVOR'S GUILT MY FRIENDS DIED WITH ONE ROUND OF PCP, I SURVIVED IT 3 TIMES..
WHY? WHY ME? with other OI's too. WHAT DID I DO TO LIVE?, WHEN SO MANY MORE SMARTER PEOPLE COULD DO BETTER ON THIS PLANET THAN ME, unless it's taking over a republican senator's office or chaining myself to the white house gate...+ SO MUCH MORE TOO. BUT BACK TO THE PAIN, I TRIED EVERY TYPE OF MUSIC,ECT.. i'm sometimes sick as hell and will go see a show anyway like, u2 or coldplay and am suffering but I TRY TO REMEMBER THAT FEELING OF THE SHOWS. FOR THE TIMES WHEN I WANT OUT OF THIS BODY. it's so hard to sit and write - i love poz and been receiving the magazine since my brain remembers.
the 42 pills i take a day - i'm sure it does help a little - with much side effects, i can't even get to most drs. appts. since i can't drive due to major burry vision (yes i am positive for cmv & toxo not to mention diabetes ) i used to be a fit man but, since these toxic meds which keep us alive and suffering, i gain most weight due to Lyrica 60 lbs. in less than 40 days. ( try and get your breath back after that one : ). * it does help to write it out when no human being wants to be around you cause all you talk about in the latest in hiv/aids.
I'm in a fire they can't get to, and they (meaning family,folks i know,seniors i help) will never understand- DOES ANYONE understand?
my name is Pete, i hope to be able to sit this long to write again.. any encouragement would be appreciated. stay strong emma and i will try to. it's 2.16.13am the night is the hardest. THIS PAIN IS SO UNBEARABLE. i must go now. good luck to all of you who read this and all who don't. STAY POSiTIVE so to say, lol . cheers blood mates~ pete

Pete -- please keep posting. You'll find lots of support here. We're all in this together!

Peter Staley
Founder
AIDSmeds.com

Joe K · « **Reply #24 on:** July 05, 2008, 04:23:07 pm »

Hello Emma, my name is Joe and I have been poz for 25 years and can relate to what you describe, because I suffer from various mental illnesses. I used to be a regular here and while I haven't posted in a long time, your thread really pulled at my heart. Having lived with major depression, anxiety and, when the meds don't quite work right: I become bi-polar. So while I would never suggest to know what you are experiencing, I have enough experience to know when someone should seek some outside help.

Your words were a reflection on how I have felt many times and I know that without medication and periodic therapy, at least for me, I would never be able to walk away from that pit of darkness. Often it is hard to view ourselves objectively, but might I suggest your wild emotional swings, might indicate some underlying problem. It is not unusual for us pozzies to develop mental illness, as that can, and often is, a side effect of being poz.

Might I suggest that you talk with both a psychiatrist (for meds, if indicated) and a Clinical therapist to discuss your feelings and any steps you may want to take, based on their assessment. I am not suggesting that you have any serious issues, but your words seem to indicate otherwise. I also hope you are not one to be reluctant to seek mental health services, because you must take care of your mind, as well as your body.

I offer this as food for thought, but I feel deeply that you should seek some support, if nothing else, to reassure yourself that no, you are not losing your mind.

Be well.

heartforyou · « **Reply #25 on:** July 05, 2008, 07:09:05 pm »

Emma honey

So good to here of your connection.

You go for it girl

Luv

Hermie

Jeffreyj · « **Reply #26 on:** July 17, 2008, 08:32:04 am »

Sweet Emma,
Sorry, I have been out of touch with everyone here. I turned 50 last year, and I feel so many of your thoughts listed in your first post. It can be seemingly impossible at time, but I have found talking about it always helps. I'm glad to see that your life has begun to take a turn for the better. You deserve good thing to happen to you. Please keep in touch. Your honesty is always a nice swift kick in the arse for us all.

I have the utmost respect for the work you do. I just read Peter's blog on how the gay teens 14-23 have become the latest fasting growing group for HIV victims. This really has gotton me pissed off.So its off to speech land to me to do what little I can do to help.
When I think of all of the work you have done, travelling the country side all over England, I'm am still in awe of what you do. You simply are an amazing person.
I love you. Sorry I have been not here as much, but like you said, some days are a complete biotch.
Hang in there my sweet, and I'll do the same.
Much Love,
Jeff

Forums Index

Welcome

Author Topic: Just needed to get these thoughts out (Read 14843 times)