The Dating Game

[Solo_LTSurvivor]

Due to the combination of always having the slightest tolerance for bullshit, having to deal with backlash from doing something I thought was in my best interests regarding my health, and just getting older, dating hasn't really been high on the priority list for me.

Sure, for shits and grins, I occasionally surf certain sites as well as post on a specific one that shall remain nameless where one can run into someone and be lured to their death in a hotel room -- just to be reminded of why I don't invest lots of time in "fishing".  I can always watch XTube until my hands go numb if I really get hard up. Yah, I know there is no substitute for real live, human, companionship, but I just am not fixated on having to be around people.

OK, so let's get to it.

Recently I posted a variation of an ad to that aforementioned infamous site, testing the waters.  Because I was getting all kinds of your typical nonsense whenever I posted in the past, I thought it was best to tweak the content further, since no one really reads those ads anyway.

I'm always upfront and always disclose regarding my status, as well as what I'm fishing for. Which is basically someone to pal around with, get to know, and maybe see where things go.  It is not overtly sexual in nature, nor is it misleading that I'm looking for love.

I got a response from a poz-friendly fellow.  He seemed interesting enough, so we traded pix and a few emails.

The last time I wrote him, I asked about his schedule as I had emphasized that weekends would prove to be the best option for planning anything.  He responded cryptically that led me to believe that weekends were totally out for him.  As no one can really infer what tone someone is writing in, I've been around long enough to know when the foundation being laid is being built on inflexibility.

So, that was that.  I hadn't invested any effort and didn't plan to go out of my way to jump through hoops for anyone who couldn't at least say, well my weekends are normally _____ but....

Lo and behold, he writes me a blip yesterday.  Basically to say: I'm bored, wanna meet?

What am I - chopped liver?  You don't have any other options, so you think I'm desperate enough to dash when you snap your fingers?

All of a sudden the lyrics from "Lucky" by Donna Summer popped into my head...

Scared and lonely
going out for the night
shakin' all over
and wishing I'd never
come here

He pulled up in a cloud of smoke
so much was said
but nobody spoke a word

So I took a chance
and he followed me home
I knew he wouldn't beg
so I gave in without fighting

Been so long since I've been this way
since I loved this way
so I asked him if he would stay for a while

Lucky comes easy
lucky's not shy
and if you're lucky
you'll go for a ride
for a ride

We talked a while
and he told me nice
we laughed and we cried and
I knew that I could love him
he got up to say goodbye
I said where you going,
he said that he must leave

Lucky comes easy
lucky's not shy
and if you're lucky
you'll go for a ride
for a ride

Lucky comes easy
lucky's not shy
and if you're lucky
you'll go for a ride
for a ride

Lucky takes you out for a ride
for a ride
lucky takes you out for a ride
for a ride

My head is screwed on tight, and I wasn't even thinking of any potential here -- just that line where she says "and if you're lucky, you'll go for a ride" kept playing over and over.  Made me think that there are probably some people out there who do think that if you're + you just sit around and wait for someone.  And we all know that there are many misconceptions carried by people when it comes to living with hiv.

I'm just curious as to what you guys would've done if you were in a similar situation?  Am I overreacting by thinking that he was saying he was willing to meet me since he was "bored?"  

[Miss Philicia]

Honey, boys with AIDS are just as flakey as the ones without it.  Sometimes even more so because they can't handle the added mental pressure.

You could always choose to not over think things with his "I'm bored" comment and just meet up.  If he's as flakey in person as he already seems on line then at the worst you cut the date short and say you're having explosive diarrhea or PN issues.  That's the great thing about HIV you know -- always a good excuse up the sleeve for a speedy exit, as long as such things are used discriminatingly of course.

[mecch]

It's not the most elegant invite, is it.  But i'll go with Miss P and say it wouldn't hurt to meet for a coffee. And if hes an A-hole, you can kindly tell him his invite was low, as well. 
Or, just stick to your guns and avoid the people who aren't up to your snuff.

[Dachshund]

People generally hedge their bets when posting online, HIV or not. I've found that after the initial response it rarely leads to anything. Your instincts are probably right.

Oh and Meech, Peter Staley has asked you before not to post in LTS.

[Solo_LTSurvivor]

If he's as flakey in person as he already seems on line then at the worst you cut the date short and say you're having explosive diarrhea or PN issues.  That's the great thing about HIV you know -- always a good excuse up the sleeve for a speedy exit, as long as such things are used discriminatingly of course.

Or, just stick to your guns and avoid the people who aren't up to your snuff.

People generally hedge their bets when posting online, HIV or not. I've found that after the initial response it rarely leads to anything. Your instincts are probably right.

Miss P: Love that advice! But if I were to choose that option, I would have to fake a Sustiva vivid moment; even though I've never had one, personally.

And as shallow as it might make me sound, I just couldn't get past that whole "I'm bored" revelation, so I just deleted the message.  Again, nothing was really invested, so I didn't lose anything.

I don't think anyone wants to be made to feel that they were an option of "last resort."

Edited to include this little ditty ~ be sure and turn up the speakers, plug in the headphones for the second half:

http://beta-api.joggle.com/media/?media_id=C21F0A55515D4C5DA3BC8583B743C2A2&sitename=b12499296434331228

[AlanBama]

Honey, I think Miss P may be right here; don't "over-analyze".   Meet if you feel like it, don't if you don't.
Simple as that...

Meeting someone is usually pretty harmless....as she states, if it goes badly, make an excuse....if not, who knows?  You might really enjoy it!

Good luck!

Hugs, Alan

[Texan38]

Honesty, my first reaction would've been the same but then again, if you want to meet people I feel you have to have the 'so what' attitude.  So what if he said that. As you mentioned, you didn't invest to much into it so I think you should've gotten together.  If you weren't comfortable with him or you just didn't like him, at least you would've known.

So what?  Give people a chance (regardless of any snide comments they make) and meet them.  What damage is it going to do?

Lots of luck!

[Solo_LTSurvivor]

So what?  Give people a chance (regardless of any snide comments they make) and meet them.  What damage is it going to do?

Lots of luck!

So I didn't fall off the face of the earth.  I've just been living a very busy life with not a lot of time lately While I had a little, I wanted to throw off a fast update regarding this situation.

It finally worked out and I was able to meet this person in mid-September.  We had managed to somehow overcome those kinks in communication and set a date.  We went to dinner and a movie.  It was nice. Afterwards, I pretended not to notice how he kept saying things like "I really like being around you" and "this feels so right"....

The next day was nice, so we decided to meet up again.  Walked around, talked and had dinner. Again, it was nice. But I noticed again he was on some sort of fast track to hell, and I mentioned, very politely, that things take time to develop and let's just explore.

The following weekend he ended up coming over and spending part of it at my place.  It was nice.  Lots of conversation - but I found myself reminding him that there was no need to dive head first and rush, because I still sensed that "let's get married now" mentality.

After he left, I asked that he call me to let me know he was home.  He did and we chatted.  At the end of the conversation, as I was hanging up I heard him use the "L" word.  I quickly hung up.

To make a long story short, things quickly disintegrated. He kept trying to analyze me.  I kept telling him he needed to slow down because he didn't know me and there was no such thing as love overnight.  More of him trying to analyze me.  Mind you, all of this done via text and email; even though I told him that he needed to stop using written communication as a substitute for topics that required face-to-face or phone discussions.  He tried to spin it on me and say I was the one who was initiating these serious discussions using those mediums despite the fact that I have proof showing that he kept going down that road and I repeatedly asked him to refrain from doing such using those types of communication.

He kept pressing me so I told him to fuck off and leave me alone in a reply to one of his emails since I was done.

Hopefully he has found someone else to ambush.  Maybe the red flag should've went up when he told me at the first dinner one of the main reasons his ex broke up with him was that he was too 'needy and clingy' ~ I guess I chalked it off as being a bitter breakup and that I wouldn't use the words of strangers to judge him.

Never in a million years did I think someone could actually be so gung-ho on getting attached that they skip the getting to know one another/dating phase altogether. Even 20+ - something years ago when I was a wild child, I still didn't decide I was "dating" someone in the blink of an eye, no matter how good the sex was - since back in those days it was sex first, get to know you later

I know that all men aren't like this but like someone else posted before, I can really feel like I have some sort of lunatic magnet that people see that draws such craziness to me.

Shit, this makes me extremely gun shy about what the pole will attract the next time I go fishing LOL

And Miss P: I can't wait to hear your take on all this....

[Solo_LTSurvivor]

Shit.  In my haste to quickly bang this out, I forgot the most pertinent information.

This entire situation from initial meet to fuck off spanned 2 weeks....

sat - movie/dinner - already saying he felt things were so "right"
sun - dinner
mon - fri (following week) - text/phone conversations
sat, sun - spent weekend together - the "L" word @ end of phone convo
mon - fri (following week) - more texting/phone conversations
sat - told him to fuck off and shut it down completely in emails

[Miss Philicia]

Ah, the classic Klingon -- also known as T.P. (as in toilet paper stuck to the sole of one's shoe).  While they exist in the larger gay culture, I sometimes ponder if there's a higher incidence of this in Pozland.  I probably would have smelled the scent immediately and not gone further than that first date, as I'm very attuned to this issue.  I mean really, what kind of queen openly admits to being labeled 'needy and clingy' on a date?  It's like saying that your ex broke up with you due to halitosis or for wearing Birkenstocks.

[mewithu]

You lead him on not the other way around if I am hearing this right. Because if you had doubts you wanted to date him then just dump him like that. Shame on you. love to all

[the trebmeister]

...
I'm just curious as to what you guys would've done if you were in a similar situation?  Am I overreacting by thinking that he was saying he was willing to meet me since he was "bored?"  

seems to me you'd written him off within the first few days of your fortnight together.  i can sorta say i understand, well i do understand, but maybe my standards are lower than yours...   i'd have to see a few examples of the communiques between you two to claim i might be able to judge anything.  he seemed overly eager to claim "love" which is frequently a less-than-attractive trait but, again, with one person's perception of  "reality" (or "realty" if you couldn't care less) it's difficult to claim impartiality.   maybe i missed it but he wasn't picking out china patterns or presenting you with a key to his home & asking for same. probably by the 3rd or 4th week he would have...

yeah, the guy was calling you because he had nothing better to do (or should i say "no one?") -- he clumsily admitted it as so many, um... "normal" people do, unable to wrest self-absorption from our uppermost consciousness.  get over it or razzle him.  if you were horny and found him attractive go to it.  if you were sufficiently upset/displeased say you have pencils to sharpen and won't be free for days.

maybe he is interested in you and wanted to play it cooler.  maybe he is the kind of person who looks at everyone else as human resources for his use.  having absolutely no psychic abilities at all i don't know where the ever-elusive "truth" lies. 

long ago i gave up dating or looking for my soul-mate (if such loathsome creature exists) so have been almost  100% faithful to my right hand for about 1.5 decades.   nevertheless, occasionally the desire for human contact of a sensual nature grabs me and i seek surfeit.  usually i end up masturbating to online porn or i'll watch a romantic movie and become nauseously uber-sentimental, weepy, and maudlin (it's the  Sammy Maudlin Show!) until the meds kick in.  as lucia or georgie said, sex is so "sticky."

better luck next time?

[Texan38]

You met him and you continued giving him a chance after your first meeting, to me, that says there was something about him you liked or maybe you just liked the companionship. Point is, you never know unless you try....you tried and now you know.
I hope that experience doesn't discourage you to try again.

[Solo_LTSurvivor]

You met him and you continued giving him a chance after your first meeting, to me, that says there was something about him you liked or maybe you just liked the companionship. Point is, you never know unless you try....you tried and now you know.
I hope that experience doesn't discourage you to try again.

Thanks Texan for understanding.  Based upon what he had initially told me in the preliminary emails and phone conversation previous to dinner, we discovered we had a number of interests in common, which made me see merit in going to the next level.  As I also said, dinner was nice enough, so silly me, thinking I would probably get on better with someone if I saw somewhat of a potential to lay a foundation based upon our mutual interests, was open to see where things might lead. I guess I'm still old-fashioned in thinking the best relationships (platonic or romantic) are ones where you are able to work at becoming friends first.... And again, I stress, that I told him numerous times that things take time, even if you have lots of things in common....

maybe he is interested in you and wanted to play it cooler.  maybe he is the kind of person who looks at everyone else as human resources for his use.  having absolutely no psychic abilities at all i don't know where the ever-elusive "truth" lies. 

long ago i gave up dating or looking for my soul-mate (if such loathsome creature exists) so have been almost  100% faithful to my right hand for about 1.5 decades.   nevertheless, occasionally the desire for human contact of a sensual nature grabs me and i seek surfeit.  usually i end up masturbating to online porn or i'll watch a romantic movie and become nauseously uber-sentimental, weepy, and maudlin (it's the  Sammy Maudlin Show!) until the meds kick in.  as lucia or georgie said, sex is so "sticky."

better luck next time?

I was open to exploration.  It was the fact that he was on a breakneck road to us becoming "we" in too big of a rush. Despite my best efforts to tell him he could slow things down a tad, it was never heard.  The first date he had decided (in his head) that I was the one for him.

This is mainly why I, like you, have pretty much blown off going through the motions of trying to meet anyone.  Porns are great.  They serve a need, I get off and don't have to come up with lies on how to get rid of someone the morning after, especially when I don't remember their name (just kidding).

This was another thing with this person.  He kept telling me that I was lying to myself if I believed I actually could continue living MY life without being involved with a person, and experiencing love. And he also rubbed me wrong by saying that we both weren't "spring" chickens like I was desperate for the first man who showed me any attention.  Many humans are guilty of projecting their issues onto others ~ and I am in tune enough to know when people have issues they need to work through that require the services of a trained professional and not their next conquest

You lead him on not the other way around if I am hearing this right. Because if you had doubts you wanted to date him then just dump him like that. Shame on you. love to all

And mewith... shame on you for twisting up what I said.  Not once did I say I led this person on.  I said we had initially met because of an ad I placed.  It took time, but we finally were able to meet in the flesh.  He fell in love with me within 2 weeks.  That made me uncomfortable, end of story.  I decided to come back and update this thread with what happened, in case anyone might have had a passing interest. That's all I said.

Thanks always, Miss P for being able to understand.  I guess it takes a Yankee to understand another one in order to see that I did absolutely nothing wrong by cutting the cord.  I am sure if anyone else met someone who fell in love with them within 14 days, they would high tail it away quickly also.  That shit only happens in movies, and if you watch Lifetime, those always end BAD when it does happen

P.S. - it also transcended Pozland, as it had the makings of a serodiscordant involvement   

[Miss Philicia]

Oh, don't get the wrong idea with me.  I fell in love with my last partner within the first weekend together, but then we also fucked on the first date.  I'm just a Good Time Girl™! 

Helped that he was totally non-clingy though.

[Texan38]

Hey, you were simply trying. Nothing wrong with that. It's the dating game. You have to try in order to meet people and you have to meet people in order to date.
Some people get lucky in the first round...the rest of us have to keep trying.
That's the dating life.  


Edit: BOO...mewithu...BOOOO!