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Author Topic: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...  (Read 6199 times)

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Offline joyluckclub

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  • Posts: 137
This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« on: December 01, 2006, 12:11:55 am »
First, I've always been proud that I've been self sufficient in most things.

Today, I have finally had to face facts:  I'm going to need some "help" to get through life from now on.

Before my diagnosis in July, I finally decided to stop working in a field I loved but was, for many reasons, burned out on (teaching).

I quit my job, took out loans, and enrolled in graduate school for business.  My "academic" credentials are strong....Phi Beta Kappa, Summa Cum Laude...yada...yada...yada....I've never met an advanced placement class I didn't ace.........so....

I am accepted into a program at a school that has all characteristics I desire....good value, good program, close to home.......all I need to go is score  higher on a thing called the "GMAT"

Okay, I spend !@$@$@ dollars on a course.....study for six months...buy more books...study some more......while I'm doing this:

1.  I receive my diagnosis of HIV+
2.  Still on medicine for severe depression
3.  Classes are kicking my !@$%@@#%
4.  Studying for classes and this @#$%@#GMAT

I take it in October.......score went up 70 points from first initial score....need 70 more.....

Okay....don't worry...I take it again today.  I gain a few more points.....STILL 40 points below WHERE I NEED TO BE!

I've been sent warning messages from the "committee" that say "the lowest score the committee is willing to accept is !@$%@$!@"

Damn!  I feel stupid.   I've done everything academically possible to do well on this test!    Currently I have a solid 3.0 in my classes in graduate school!

Luckily, I have a friend who is a real estate professor.  She gave me the idea about going to Disability Services to ask for a waiver.  She knows my history and thinks that my "conditions(severe depression, HIV+ diagnosis)" are impeding my natural abilities.

I hate that.  I don't want any handouts.  I like to think I earn everything that I get.  I know I can do the work.  I have proven that!

I think that these last six months have just drained me.  I am mentally exhausted.  But, I still get up everyday and soldier on.  I just hate having to ask for help.  I now realize I need it.

Any thoughts anyone?



Any thoughts?
"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline Eldon

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Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2006, 12:22:12 am »
Hey Corywn,

There comes a time in all of our lives where we need to ask for help. That is fine and it is OK. In fact, that it what it is in place for. From what you describe you do have a rather heavy load and it is a tough challenge that you are dealing with.

Like you said, keep on soldiering.

I wish you the BEST in all of your endeavors!

Take care of You!

Offline Robert

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Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2006, 01:40:41 am »
Hi Corwyn.

Sorry to hear about this.  If it helps, and it doesn't really, but you're not alone.  I've experienced severe mental composure since my diagnosis.  Comprehension has gone down the tubes.

Another one of our posters, AtomicA, has this to say about it.

Quote
My biggest problem however is that I'm a full time student taking a combined BA/BSc in anthropology and biology and my short term memory and clarity of mind are absolutely vital. Since I couldn't even get the appointment with my doc until the end of August, I started the drugs pretty much right at the beginning of the semester and after two weeks of not knowing whether I was awake or dreaming I missed so much of a physics course I had to drop it.
My whole life learning came easy to me, I use to be able to listen to a prof describe a complex biological system and be able to repeate it verbatum a week later no problem. Now, I'm in third year and I can barely manage 3 courses. I can hardly remember what I was doing 20 minutes ago let alone what was covered in class 48 hours past.
Reading comprehension is another thing I think I can vaguely remember having. I can read the words and individually I know what they say but I'm having to read paragraphs ten times or more just to get a vague concept of what the author is talking about. The short of the long of it is that readings that I use to be able to do in 20 minutes are taking me several hours to get through and at the end of it I may or may not have a vague idea of what the article said. I just got all my midterms back and I went from a 3.8GPA from last semester to a 2.0 - I'm barely scraping by in the classes I rock at and I have no idea how the hell I'm going to pass calculus given that I feel like I've forgotten an entire language I use to be fluent in.

I don't know if there are any other students out there dealing with something similar, I don't know if after 2 and a bit months I can expect it to get any better and since I've had such rapid and awesome success on the medical side I'm afraid to screw with what I've got. Everytime I go to lecture or open a textbook it feels like I'm swimming through mollasses and I'm on the verge of blowing an entire semester. Any insights or suggestions as to dealing with sustiva given that I seem to be one of the unlucky people whose CV side effects fall into the 'severe' category would be greatly appreciated.

If you want to read his entire post, you can CLICK HERE.

AtomicA joined here just a week ago and has made some interesting observations and posts.  You can read more of his stuff if you CLICK HERE.

And give yourself more credit.  You've accomplished quite a bit.  I couldn't do half of what you've done.  I know it's not easy but just a deep swallow and ask for help.  You deserve it.

robert
..........

Offline joyluckclub

  • Member
  • Posts: 137
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2006, 02:37:31 am »
Thanks Robert.  Your interest and concern helps.
"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline IzPoz

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  • God, grant me the serenity...
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2006, 07:08:20 am »
Sometimes getting by on our own is hard.  We want to be able to do things without having to ask anyone for help.  So, we strive hard to accomplish our goal.  Sometimes though, it's not as easy as that.  We have to step back and take a look at the situation and really absorb what is on our plate.

I hope you find the right answer, and don't think you are weak because you ask for help.  You are a stronger person for recognizing that you need the help and are requesting it.

You will do well.  I have faith in you!
The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly. ~ Chesterton G. K.

Offline bear60

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Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2006, 08:32:35 am »
What does GMAT stand for?  Is it like the SAT test...an aptitude test or something like that? What field is it you want to go into....real estate?  Is this the "brokers" test??  Just trying to figure it out.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline aztecan

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  • 36 years positive, 64 years a pain in the butt
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2006, 08:38:21 am »
Hey Corwyn,
I would like to point out three things:

1. Dealing with depression is tough and, yes, it can have its effect on our cognitive abilities.

2. Stress can cause people to be unable to focus, to forget things, be unable to perform at their usual potential and ability.

3. You have had both of the above.

You know, we are such kindred spirits in many ways that it is scary.

A few years ago, I went through a bad patch. For the first time in my life, I had to ask my case manager for help. She was delighted to finally be able to do something for me. I felt "soiled," or that I was somehow a failure.

I have always been independent, always stood on my own two feet and made the best of whatever situation in which I found myself. Having to ask for help hurt my self esteem, my self image.

But, my case manager told me everyone needs help sometimes.

It took a while, but I finally swallowed that bitter pill. Now, I realize she was right.

Getting a little assistance doesn't make us less independent than we naturally are, but it does make it possible for us to get past rough spots that may keep us from reaching our full potential.

Because of the help, I was able to get past my rough spot and, later on, turn around and help others over theirs.

Corwyn, getting assistance now isn't a hand out, it is a hand helping you over a rough spot. It won't change who you are, but it may help you realize a dream, a new life on a new path.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline ACinKC

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  • Bring it VIRUS! #2 Ranked In-crowd Member!
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2006, 10:24:14 am »
One of the first rules of business my friend:

Take advantage of all the opportunities presented to you to get ahead.  If it is there use it.  Consider it not as an excuse but as an adaptation to your original plan!!

Like Clint Eastwood says in Hamburger Hill:

We dont cheat SIR.  We Improvise, we adapt and we overcome!!!
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

Offline poet

  • Member
  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2006, 11:11:28 am »
Well I know to a much lesser degree what you mean.  I moved from P-town to Hyannis only to discover that here you need a driver's license for any healthcare job.  Ok, so 20 something years after a license and 30 something years after driver's ed. I am back to square on.  Then I needed to pass Red Cross CPR.  Then I needed to pass Red Cross First Aid.  Then I needed to study for and pass medication certification.  At the age of 51, I just can't do these things the way I used to and I am sure that hiv has had its effects.

In your case, I would suggest giving a great deal of thought (What Color Is My Parachute?) to whether, with this hurdle in place, you really want to get into the course of study for an MBA because if the hurdle is a hurdle, the rest of the time in courses and studying isn't going to be much less of a hurdle.  Perhaps a step back to clear your brain of all of this pressure and, in the quiet of thought, thinking through where you are going, if you want to take that direction, or if you want to use this hurdle to find another route.  Best in all of this, Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2006, 11:22:36 am »
Hi Corwyn,

Maybe you could do a little perspective shift. You say you like to feel you've worked for and earned things in your life. Well, how about this?

You've worked hard your whole life and you've earned the right to ask for some assistance this time. Go in there with your head held high. This isn't a handout, it's a help-out. You've gone through an exceedingly rough patch, soldiered on, and now you've earned a bit of assistance. You're still doing the work yourself, you just need a shoulder to lean on for a while, so you can get your feet back underneath you.

Go for it! You've earned it.

Hang in there!
Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline joyluckclub

  • Member
  • Posts: 137
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2006, 01:40:15 pm »
Thanks guys,

I was very hard for me to write the thread.  Thank you for your responses.  I appreciate your thoughtful responses.
"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline joyluckclub

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  • Posts: 137
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2006, 01:41:26 pm »
Oh,

GMAT stands for Graduate Management Admissions Test. 
"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2006, 02:38:12 pm »
Please do not consider it a hand out but a hand up. You have some great credentials.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

Offline wellington

  • Member
  • Posts: 511
  • Don't sweat the little things.
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #13 on: December 02, 2006, 01:16:22 am »
GMAT sucks ass and I scored well enough to entitle that thought.

I'm an independent type, too. Put myself through school, once, and working on doing it again on a second degree. Help is something I give to others but rarely request for myself. In fact, even when it is offered, I have a tough time accepting it. Maybe I should talk to a therapist about it - but that would be asking for help :D

But, seriously. The confirmation of being positive is heavy news. Sometimes it just eats away at us independent folks in ways we deny or seem not to notice. Give yourself some permission to explore other alternatives - what's involved in sidestepping that stupid GMAt threshhold number - irrespective of the choice you ultimately make. Knowing what all the options are is what good science requires. At the point when you have done your research and evaluated all available options, you'll decide what is right for you. Being smart and working the system to your advantage is not cheating and by no means a cop out.

Stay strong, bud.

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #14 on: December 02, 2006, 08:32:13 am »
I just hate having to ask for help.  I now realize I need it.

Lots of people hate to ask for help. It's good to have awareness and you have that. Sending well wishes from up north

Alex

P.S. I agree with Queen.

In addition, I'll toss this in: Perhaps you're destined to go to another school ??? Life is funny like that sometimes "Roll with the punches" as the saying goes
« Last Edit: December 02, 2006, 11:21:50 pm by allopathicholistic »

Offline bear60

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Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #15 on: December 02, 2006, 03:00:10 pm »
Well, all I have to say is :: you seem like you know what you need to do to get where you want to go!!!!  Good luck !!
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline RevMC

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    • Psychic AwakeningSchool.com
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #16 on: December 02, 2006, 05:50:54 pm »
I know the feeling of not wanting to ask for help.  I haven't had my drivers license for many years, didn't really need it living in the Big City, plus Louie didn't mind doing all the driving.

Now Louie is unable to drive so his mom comes and get me on Thursdays and brings me and our dog home on Mondays.  He's at her house so we can get home health easier.  I have had to ask for a regular ride to and from work, plus a ride to and from my couseling classes I have to go to in order to get my license back.

I'm the one always helping others and it took me a lot of strength to ask for help.  Help that was offfered to me over and over again, yet I felt to proud to take it.

I work part time, living on only $590 (actually went up to $665 because of working last year) doesn't get you much anywhere.  I'm planning on going back to school to finish my BA in computers and if I need help with any of it, I'm going to ask.

I've seen many people use and abuse the system for years and felt the same way you have.  There is nothing to be ashamed of when you truly need the help.  Many people out there are getting all kinds of help, and most don't need any of it.

Good luck with your studies.  Not sure how old you are, but as we get older it does get more difficult for us to learn new things.  Be kind to yourself, it may be the meds and it may just be your age.

Love and Light,
Rev. Michael
Part of my story: "Sale Of A Lifetime" POZ December 2003
https://www.poz.com/article/Sale-of-a-Lifetime-752-6797

Started on Truvada and Viramune on 2/15/07

Jan 8, 2007   t-cells 215  Viral Load 10,000  24%
March 26'th  T-cells 306   Viral Load  UNDETECTABLE
June 2007 t-cells 375 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE
August 2007 t-cells 290 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE



Love and Light and Reiki sent your way,
Rev. Michae

Offline Boo Radley

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    • Animal Rescue New Orleans
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #17 on: December 02, 2006, 06:34:23 pm »
Corwyn,

I'd been living on my own since I was 18 but at the age of 45 was forced to leave my job of 20 years and go on disability after contracting chronic Hepatitis B, which made changing a light bulb a major chore.   It took a long time for me to face the fact I was and still am not capable of holding a full-time job.  Even the volunteer work I've done over the last 3 years has been hampered regularly so I do as much as I can from home so no one depends on me to be some place at a certain time (I handle email inquiries, work on spreadsheets and databases, and update specific web pages when I'm not feeling like shit, like today) .  I still feel guilty sometimes when I let depression get the better of me.

You have nothing to be ashamed of in asking for a helping hand when you need it.  You're obviously not the kind of person who shirks hard work to "live on the dole" and your record of accomplishments proves that.  Do what you need to do to make the best of your life!

Good luck!

Boo 

String up every aristocrat!
Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!





Everything I do, say, think, excrete, secrete, exude, ooze, or write © 2007 Sweet Old Boo, Inc.

Offline BKNYLivin

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  • Posts: 76
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #18 on: December 02, 2006, 10:21:08 pm »
Corwyn,
I emailed you earlier today B4 I read this thread - this is my first time back here since getting out of hospital. Hang on in there man, I know it can be tough asking for help, but there comes a time when we have to learn to do just that and accept it. I'm still getting used to it. Didn't know u were on meds for depression - you know how to reach me, I'm here if u need me. 
Diagnosed 9/18/06
10/13/06 - CD4:449, 33%,  VL:>500,000
11/20/06 - CD4: 392  VL:425,000
02/08/07 - CD4: 361, 16.9% VL:133,000
02/13/07 - Started HAART: Atripla
03/08/07 - CD4:401, 23.8% VL:643
06/05/07 - CD4:614, 33.6% VL:225
09/14/07 - CD4:612, 37%  VL: <50
12/14/07 - CD4:582, 38.5% VL:<50
4/11/08 - CD4: 658, VL: <50
3/5/09 - CD4: 847, 49% VL: <50
7/29/09 - CD4: 965, 50.1% VL: <50
12/28/09 - CD4: 925, 49.2% vl <50
9/16/10 - CD4: 1011 vl: <50

Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #19 on: December 02, 2006, 10:58:10 pm »
Dear Corwyn

I am a professor at a university in the midwest.  I would counsel you to seek the assistance you need to excel in your work.  I was advised by a colleague to ask for help myself recently.  Standardized tests do not factor in the extenuating circumstances we have in life as individuals, that is why opportunities and support exist.  We live in a society that supports those with disabilities.  I know it is hard to think of it this way, but even other faculty I know have needed help (hep infection, cancer, etc.)  We all need help here and there.  I wish you the best.

Drew

Offline RevMC

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Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #20 on: December 02, 2006, 11:22:21 pm »
Reading what Drew wrote made me think of something.

When I was in studying for my AA degree we (Louie and I) let them know our HIV status, just in case.  When my mom died, the week before finals, they allowed me a choice, to take my exams anyway, or to postpone them until summer.  This was the spring semester.  When Louie was sick, they even helped us with a note taker and were a bit more lax when it came test time.

Like Drew said,
We live in a society that supports those with disabilities. 

Use what ever resources are being offered to you and best of luck with your studies.

Love and Light,

Rev. Michael
Part of my story: "Sale Of A Lifetime" POZ December 2003
https://www.poz.com/article/Sale-of-a-Lifetime-752-6797

Started on Truvada and Viramune on 2/15/07

Jan 8, 2007   t-cells 215  Viral Load 10,000  24%
March 26'th  T-cells 306   Viral Load  UNDETECTABLE
June 2007 t-cells 375 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE
August 2007 t-cells 290 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE



Love and Light and Reiki sent your way,
Rev. Michae

Offline jntmax39

  • Member
  • Posts: 81
Re: This IS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE...
« Reply #21 on: December 03, 2006, 01:15:03 am »
HEY JOY
I FEEL WHAT YOU ARE GOING THREW. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO TELL YOU THAT YOUR NOT ALONE. SOMETIME THINGS HAPPEN THAT WE CAN'T CONTROL,I WOULD JUST TAKE THINGS ONE STEP AT A TIME.
I MYSELF HAVE BEEN THREW AN AWFUL LOT IN THE PAST 10+ YEARS EVEN BEFORE BEING DIAGNOSED.ONE DAY I WAS WORKING HAD A GOOD JOB,WAS A SINGLE PARENT AND WAS TRULY HAPPY FOR THE MOST PART AS LONG AS I KEPT MYSELF BUSY...BUSY
AND THEN IT HIT ME LIKE A TONE OF BRICKS. I COULD NOT FUNCTION IN SOCIETY I HAD A COMPLETE BREAK DOWN. I WAS HOSPITALIZED 8-10 TIMES IN ONE YEAR AND THOSE WERE THE ONES I REMEBERED. I HAVE NOT BEEN THE SAME SINCE.
IT WAS HARD BECAUSE I COME FROME A FAMILY OF GO GETTERS AND THEY WERE NORMAL AND I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS SO DIFFERENT.
I HAVE SINCE COME OUT OF THE DARKNESS.BUT I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION ABOUT MY LIFE SO I ASKED FOR HELP. I HAD TO  GIVE MY CHILDREN AWAY (WICH TORE ME APART FOR YEARS) BUT I WAS VERY SICK.
I AM TELLING YOU THESE THINGS FOR A REASON. SOMETIME WE HAVE TO LET PEOPLE HELP US IN OUR TIME OF NEED, AND YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH IN YOUR LIFE,
YOU MAY NOT BEABLE TO DO THING THAT YOU USE TO DO IN  THE WAY YOUR USE TO,BUT YOU CAN STILL  BE PRODUCTIVE JUST IN A DIFFERENT WAY,IT DOESN'T CHANGE WHO YOU ARE. YOU PROBABLY JUST NEED TO SLOW DOWN AND SMELL THE ROSES.
DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU?
I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR.

 


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