Lost and in need of Help

[Lostgirl]

Hello everyone.  I hope I am doing this in the correct way, and if I have broken any rules, or am posting in the wrong area, I apologise and hope someone will direct me.

I was diagnosed last week as HIV positive and am still trying to come to terms, not with the virus, but with everything that has happened.  I am a 51 year old rural Scottish lass living in Houston, where my husband of 14 years and I were transfered to last year.  I know I am not the only older, faithful wife that this has happened to, but here is my story.

Two weeks ago my husband shocked me when he came home from work to tell me he had just found out he was HIV positive and I would have to be tested.  It turns out that although he has been a loving, kind and generous husband and fantastic step-dad over the years, he had slept with a number of prostitutes, most recently a very bad episode earlier this year.  I knew he had been drunk on a number of occasions when out on business dinners (both home and abroad) but he swore to me he was only ashamed of being drunk and nothing else - my instinct told me it was more but he was so convincing.

I am still coming to terms with his behaviour, the effect on both our lives, our future and our marriage so trying to deal with this and the HIV has me confused and upset.  To make matters worse, he took me to his own doctor (I did not have one as yet) and he was, to put it mildly, the most anti-female doctor I have ever met (I think it was cultural).  He ignored me in his office apart from to ask 'is anything bothering you()', spoke to my husband asking how he was, and then sent me for the test.  I got the results later that week from his nurse (he had personally phoned my husband with his results), she told me to come in (four days later!) where the doctor then walked past me, sat down, looked at his notes (not me) and said nothing.  I said I presumed since I was in the office that the results were positive to which he replied 'yes'.  I was so upset by his manner I got up and left.  That was four days ago and I have still not been back to get more tests for T-cell count etc.  I cannot cope with it all. 

To date, I have heard from no-one, no counselling, no communication from the doctor and I do not know where to turn.  I am too confused and heartbroken over my husband's behaviour to consider the HIV.  After all, I could have been told I had any other number of virsuses to which I would have coped but the loss of trust and love is more than I can bear.  I wish to support my husband in his quest for better health and still love him (forgiven? I don't know) but cannot seem to care about myself.  Is there anybody out there who can help?  I so need a female doctor in my area (far west (rural) Houston).  Does anybody in the area know of one I can trust and feel confident with?  I have days of being so pro-active and searching on-line etc and others where I just want to curl up and die. 

I am sorry to go on for so long but if any one can help me I would be so grateful.  Thank you for this site and all who contribute.  It has been a support to me these last few days.

[megasept]

Hello. I can't help with your search for a quality female MD (HIV Specialist as well?) in your area. Your confusion and upset are so natural, I would worry if you didn't feel all of these thoughts and ideas. The fact that you feel angry and betrayed, while loving, supportive, and committed is a sign of maturity, not weakness. I think you need face-to-face counseling right away (couples therapy is another idea, but why not do both?). Don't let a lack of funds (no idea if this is an issue) dissuade you from therapy. There seem to be many ways to access professional quality therapists, paying little to nothing.

You are not lost! You haven't lost sight of your own needs. Plus, you're taking proactive steps to make things better. Continue on that path. This is just a very rough time. I wish you all the best.

  -megasept

[Movingon]

hi there - My situation is similar to yours in a way. Here is my story and i hope it helps you. I slept around alot when i was single , and finally i met the women of my dreams and we got married. 6 weeks after our wedding day, i tested positive. I had never been sick and had only just given up playing contact sports. I had to tell my wife , and it was the hardest thing i have ever done. She took the test and it was nagative. Its only been 4 weeks since i tested positive and i am already doing much better. I also felt like curling up and dying, i also nearly jumped off my roof and under a buss several times, but knowing that i have parents, a brother and a loving wife stopped my from doing that. Also, i am told, by EVERYONE, including my doctor that we can live a long healthy life with this, so i guess we just have to believe them all

Things might not be as bad as they feel right now. You need to see a specialist and get some idea of your CD4 and viral load. Chances are you are newly infected and might not have to start medications for some time. In the meantime, practice mind body medicine, eat right, if you smoke, stop, if you drink alot, cut down. Also, be very selective of which websites and searches you do. Most of it it total bollocks (yes i am british) , and what you need right now is support from people who are living with this.

I also had a bad experience from my doctor and nurse. I live in asia and recieved the result on the phone, then i had a nurse laughing at me, like it was a big joke, then i asked questions and she put the phone down on me ! Eventually i went to see an infectious diesease specialist and he didn't even know whhy i had come to see him, my doctor hadn't evn passed his notes to him. I felt like i had been sentanced to life in prison but without knowing what crime i had committed !!

It will get better

I cant help about your situation there in the USA, but i am happy to chat with you Brit to Brit if you feel like it

Chin up, and best of luck

[chadly]

Having found out my own status a few weeks ago, I can relate very closely to what you are going through.
Just a few things that have helped me:

People tell me things will get better-   They have, and continue too..

You are not alone-   While I speak of my ability to relate to your situation, every positive person here can relate in some way to finding out about their hiv status.

I have to apologize for your experiences thus far with health care.   One thing that I have learned over the years are that doctors are NOT created equal.  Don't let the substandard doctors hinder your search for a quality doctor.   

After a quick search, I found The Warren Foundation, in Houston.   I can't endorse them, but I'm sure they can help you with any referral you need.  Here's a link.

http://www.hivprevent.com/about_twc_index.html

I agree with the other post-  it is important to find out your counts, but,  I personally think right now you should focus on finding a support group of some sort.  Maybe here in the forums, maybe a local group...   These boards have helped me a lot-

My past partner tested poz too.   Aside from a roller coaster of other emotions, I was very concerned with his health.  I found that I have to let go of those feelings,  even if for only a while-  and worry only about myself.   Selfish?  somewhat..  but somehow helps me keep my sanity level.

Continue your pro-active approach to learning about HIV.   Knowledge is power, and it will help you with decisions.  HIV information has slowly overtaken my painted walls, and become my new wallpaper.   It gives me a feeling of control-  something I thought I lost.    Perhaps it will work for you too!

As for the days you want to curl up and die...   Come find me.   I'm not game for the dieing part, but I'll surely curl up next to you and we can talk about it..     

[milker]

Lost,

this doctor's behavior is horrendous. I'm sure you have posted in Positive Women, I haven't checked your posts there but you will get lots of advice from other women on how to deal with your situation. When you get your strength back I would definitely talk to this doctor's supervisor or write a letter to the hospital explaining how you were treated.

Good luck,

Milker.

[zeb]

Hi Lostgirl,

Dealing with big questions regarding longevity, trust and love are really tough. Everybody does it in his/her own way. Many things said here I can agree with. My most important advice to you is:

Find a doctor you feel ok with, cause you will deal with the doc for the rest of your life. So a good relationship with the doc is needed.

Be strong and I hope things between you and your husband will work out. Love rules!

Kind regards,
Zeb