POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: refleco on January 10, 2012, 04:11:06 am
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Hey guys. I've never posted here before but I figured I could use the advice. I love the person who i'm with very much and we've been together a few years now; he is neg and I am poz. Even though I know he enjoys certain things(ie oral sex. e.t.c) he is scared to do them with me. We have an open relationship and I know he does them with others. I always pictured myself being in relationship where I could bareback and not have to worry about a lot of these things but my status has put a rather abrupt hitch in my plans. Because I know he enjoys these things but won't do them with me it makes me feel as though there is something wrong with me, and my self-confidence isn't exactly at the top of it's game on a regular day. In addition I really enjoy bareback sex and sometimes sex with a condom just isn't that enjoyable for me, and again, the fact that I need to use them sometimes makes me feel as though there is something wrong with me. I'd very much like to have bareback sex with my partner but he does not want to and I completely understand why but I don't like it. I find myself avoiding having sex sometimes for these reasons because they frustrate me so much even would I would like to be having sex very much. I also find myself going and having sex with people who do like to do these things and who do enjoy bareback. While our relationship is open I don't want to end up just never wanting to have sex with my partner because I'm getting it elsewhere, but I want to make sure I am enjoying sex as well. I keep going back and forth and I know this all makes me a little selfish but I just don't know how to deal with all. If anyone has been in a similar situation or would just generally like to throw in their two cents please do so.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
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Welcome, I've been in a sero-disccordant relationship for almost 18yrs. although were not in an open relationship, we still practice safe insertive (anal Sex) with each other ( I want to keep my husband safe) however we do just about everything else sexually, (fill-in-blanks) if you will ;)
So, your saying the 2 of you guys play separately, and he won't even touch you in that way, well I hope he's having safe sex with whomever :o
1st off, sounds to me like he needs to be educated about the transmission of
AIDS http://www.poz.com/archive/2008_Mar_2168.shtml
There isn't any real reason why the both of you cannot continue to have a loving LTR for many yrs. to come, it's not easy, it's hard-work, and it takes the both of you ( being on the same page) so to speak , I'd have a sit down talk with him, and I'd tell him just how you feel about the way he's acting, it sure couldn't hurt any ;)
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If he's shagging other people, he's sometime sonner or later gonna be shagging other people with HIV whether he/they know it or not. Hope he tests regularly.
- matt
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Reflecto :)
Howdee !
Speaking with 32 plus years of POZ - NEG relationship here ....
I'll go with LUCKY my husband does not have HIV ....... :-X
I find rubbers kind of kewl .
Like Newt said , He WILL bring home HIV if he plays ...
The big question is does he want to remain in a relationship ?
A few years in ? , Things should still be fun ........ after many years
fantasy plays a HUGE roll for me ............
As Den says it takes a lot of work . Men are whores :o
Not me though .......................
Weasel :-*
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Men are whores :o
Not me though .......................
Weasel :-*
All single man are whores, us married ones, don't have anything to prove, we already got a man ;D ;D ;D
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Is he barebacking with these other guys? If so, it would be a deal breaker for me. Even if he were having protected sex, it would still bother me that he wouldn't have protected sex with me. As others said, he's probably already been with possibly several guys who are poz. I would be more understanding I think if he was having protected sex with them and try and work on his fears. But, bareback with those guys, and I would have to move on I think.
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While he is playing with other people, he is not playing bareback. The only thing he does with other people that he does not do with me is various kinds of oral sex, trying not to be crude. He is educated about HIV transmission and we've talked about it on several occasions. I just feel guilty about about talking about telling him I want some of those things. The bareback thing with me I understand but do not like so I try to not really bring that up. I just thought that sex wise you should enjoy having it with the person you're in a relationship with most. I feel so awkward about talking about it previously and feel like a bad person and if there is something wrong that rather than bringing it up I just avoid sex sometimes. His basic stance on it is that he doesn't want to do those things with me because he knows I'm poz. I question why it's okay with people that he doesn't know their status and don't get much of an answer.
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Hello
I am a new member as well. As you can see from this post http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=41383.0 I have had some of the same anxieties. The most confusing and conflicting information in terms of HIV is oral sex. The consensus on this forum is that oral sex is a safe practice and I believe this to be true. I had questions regarding this. I am not sure which country you are in. I am in the UK and I spoke to the Terrence Higgins trust (THT). Perhaps you could direct your partner to a similar organisation to talk about his anxieties. THT directed me to the new UK PEP guidelines. The guidelines take into account undetectable viral load. You can see them here http://www.bhiva.org/documents/Guidelines/PEPSE/PEPSE2011.pdf I presume you have heard of PEP? It would be useful for both you and your partner to be aware of it.
If your viral load is undetectable, your partner would not receive PEP from a health care provider, unless you had anal sex, and your partner was receptive. PEP would not even be given for oral sex, even if you ejaculated, or if your partner was on top unprotected. However, these guidelines are new and in the hierarchy of evidence are termed ‘expert opinion’ and not random controlled trials. However, you can read it for yourself, and come to your own conclusions. I spoke to a health care provider last night, who had heard of these guidelines and said basically to use common sense. There is virtually no risk with you giving your partner oral sex, unless you were bleeding profusely from the mouth when you did it, which is unlikely. I was advised not to floss or brush rigorously for approximately 1-2 hours before performing oral sex on my partner, or to ensure I do not have inflammation of the throat, which would increase permeability. You could also consider not ejaculating in your partner’s mouth, although even if you did, the risk is most likely to be very low.
However, these guidelines are new. You should use common sense. Use condoms for anal, both ways, regardless of these new guidelines. I don’t see what the problem is in using them; some of them are very good and feel very natural. If you look for very natural condoms, some of them feel just as good as going ‘bareback’. Bareback is no amazing thing, and if he cares for you, it is a small thing to give up in a relationship, that is how I see it. Sex can be just as enjoyable with the right condom. Many gay and straight couples are using condoms all the time in their sex lives. This does not make you any different from anyone else.
You should also consider that in an open relationship, both of you are open to other STIs. If your partner had an STI in say his throat, this could increase the risk of transmission. Needless to say if he has one, you are likely to have it too. When you have an STI this increases your viral load and further increases the risk of transmission.
Furthermore, you are at risk of contracting a second strain of HIV (although I believe to be a very rare occurrence) and other STI if you are doing bareback with other people.
My personal advice would be for your bf to become educated in HIV, and if he cares about you, he will. Have a good sexual relationship where you can please each other, and this removes the need to find other people. There is no reason why people in serodiscordant relationships can have a full and fulfilling sex life like any other couple.
Good luck
Neil
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I'll go with LUCKY my husband does not have HIV ....... :-X
If you don't mind me asking, why exactly is it lucky?
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@ refleco if he's doing oral with other guys, and not you, then maybe he's just not that into, you might wanna re-think about even being in a LTR with him, remember, you matter, your # 1 and your NOT a dam door-matt.. ???
seems to me it's NOT YOU at all, it's him, loose this guy, he really isn't worth your time, you deserve better ;)
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While he is playing with other people, he is not playing bareback. The only thing he does with other people that he does not do with me is various kinds of oral sex, trying not to be crude. He is educated about HIV transmission and we've talked about it on several occasions. I just feel guilty about about talking about telling him I want some of those things. The bareback thing with me I understand but do not like so I try to not really bring that up. I just thought that sex wise you should enjoy having it with the person you're in a relationship with most. I feel so awkward about talking about it previously and feel like a bad person and if there is something wrong that rather than bringing it up I just avoid sex sometimes. His basic stance on it is that he doesn't want to do those things with me because he knows I'm poz. I question why it's okay with people that he doesn't know their status and don't get much of an answer.
Hey Refleco,
I've been in a discordant relationship, my being poz, so I can empathize with how you might feel. True physical intimacy for me, means skin on skin and eventually we broke up, because neither of us could find what we wanted with the other. The relationship was far more complicated than that, but I know we made the right decision to separate, as we both have same status partners and are very happy and we stay in touch. I'm sharing this to illustrate that the feelings of both partners are paramount and the majority of your contentment must come from the relationship. Any couple can have a meaningful relationship, but they are built on love, trust and respect and from what you describe, your partner seems less than honest.
Start with his status. Do you know for sure that he is negative? Seriously. Have you seen test results or are you going on his word alone? There's something very strange about him being afraid of having oral with you, while have no problem doing it with strangers. The fact that he will not be honest with what he is doing with others, would be a red flag to me. You have expressed some of your needs to him and I don't see where he is trying to work with you, as opposed to tricking with others. But even setting this aside, the real issue is you feel unfulfilled in the relationship and that's something that the two of you need to address.
I expect my partner to be honest and open with me, about almost everything and he feels the same. I cannot imagine telling him only part of the truth about issues, because then they never get solved. His vagueness would really bother me, but he would never do such a thing, because we love, trust and respect each other. If your partner is so uncomfortable doing certain things with you, but cannot be honest about his reasons for having sex with others, then the issues are bigger than just sexual practices.
There's something missing in all of this. Dig deeper and insist that he share the truth, because without it, you will never have a good foundation on which to build your life together.
Joe
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If you don't mind me asking, why exactly is it lucky?
It is lucky cause my husband does not care for safe sex !
It makes me uncomfortable and I would be mortified if he got HIV !
For many years ............ He thought we had an open relationship .
We do NOT !
Nuff said , Weasel :-\
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It is lucky cause my husband does not care for safe sex !
It makes me uncomfortable and I would be mortified if he got HIV !
For many years ............ He thought we had an open relationship .
We do NOT !
Nuff said , Weasel :-\
Ah right! And so were you on meds the full time? If too personal, it is cool, but sexually was it versatile or one way? I am curious because I believe it is easier for a bottom to be infected. If that is too personal, I'm sorry.
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It IS far easier for the receptive partner to acquire HIV infection, whether it's anal or vaginal. It is not, as several members of this forum can attest, impossible.
Being on meds and undetectable is, of course, a real game-changer. I don't know if, before long term studies come through, I would personally trust it in lieu of condoms.
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To me the main point is the OP's partner will not have sex with him because he (partner) knows he is HIV+ but is happy to knob off random people who may be HIV+ as long as he doesn't ask/know. To me this would be a deal breaker (and illogical).
-matt
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To me the main point is the OP's partner will not have sex with him because he (partner) knows he is HIV+ but is happy to knob off random people who may be HIV+ as long as he doesn't ask/know. To me this would be a deal breaker (and illogical).
-matt
I think the OP should move on and find someone else, I certainly would, but, I'm not in their shoes, and I don't have that problem in my sero-discoardant 18yrs. relationship, I however insist on the use of safe sex
even when my partner won't, someone has to be responsible, so it's starts with me, so I'm it, always have been that way ;)