POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: dpb on April 10, 2011, 09:12:23 pm
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I know that I have only myself to blame for the circumstances I am in. After all, we are ultimately responsible for our actions and our lives. But never could I have imagined this. It's almost like a dream state. A vicarious existence in an alternate reality.
I feel like a failure. I've let myself down and my family down. Everything has changed. My home, my plans, my aspirations, my thoughts, my feelings. I've been rejected because of it. I feel like I've ruined my opportunities and squandered my future. My options have been reduced. I'm tired from this constant fatigue. I lack the energy anymore. I used to have ambition. Now I'm debating whether or not it's even worth it. My goals that once motivated me now seem so out-of-reach. I went through so much just to get to where I was. To climb from the bottom to the top, only to be knocked back down again. Everything seems so pointless now. I wanted my family to be proud of me. Proud of the direction I was heading in and of the life I was living. Now the shame and humiliation is just too much. I don't claim to be a visionary, but all I see is pain and isolation. We only get one life, and it seems as though I've done a good job of ruining mine. It's unbearable to live with a mistake that never goes away. Always reminding you of your inadequacies. I don't want to die. But I don't want this life either. I'd rather go to sleep, and just never wake up.
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yo dpb,
it takes time and give yourself that time. and by it takes time i mean the mental adjustment to your hiv status takes time. you are very young and you caught your hiv at a good time. with medication and the proper attitude there is nothing that can stand in the way of your dreams.
please understand this, with every decision comes consequences, and with action comes reaction. it is up to you to deal with these in a way that will help you get to where you need to be in life. to be honest, your life is far from over. your dreams are far from sunk. continue pursuing them when you have the strength.
you are not a failure. you are a person living with hiv. some things will change. and most others will not. you have changed your aspirations and your future view. and only you can reclaim them. if i were you i would do so as soon as possible. having dreams and a positive trajectory allows us to steer our lives towards a desirable goal. right now is not forever (your emotions and mental state) and your feelings of despair can abate.
your options have been reduced, but not greatly. the fatigue will pass. it passed for me and a lot of other people. there is an adjustment period and you are going through it. and i can tell you this, your life is worth it, it is worth living, it is definitely worth it. take care of your head now and seek out your priorities again in the near future.
yes, life is a rollercoaster. we are on top one day and on the bottom the next. these experiences often give our life definition and make all those sweet precious moments more awesome. continue forward after you have given yourself time to adjust to this.
you own the shame and humiliation. no one else. and once you get past it no one can make you feel inferior or shameful. as many of the others here will tell you, it is only a virus. viruses happen. they do not define us.
hey man, sleep on it for a few and come back to us. reasses things and sort them out. there are tons of good things worth shooting for and they are most likely the same things as before.
it took me a while to get to a better place mentally and it was not easy. with the right support group ( i <3 these forums) and healing things will get better again.
best,
d
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Hey, DPB.
Sounds like you're having one of those low periods that happen. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You're still pretty new to living with HIV. It takes time to get adjusted. Yah, you maybe feeling knocked down right now. That is going to pass. It's essential that you be taking good care of your health.
I don't know where you are writing from. Maybe look into whether there are support groups in your area? There is a world of support there and in here as well. I encourage you to keep talking and sharing here.
Those feelings you have about yourself and failure and disappointment -- well there's a lot more to you than that and in other moments I know you will realize/remember that. So put the whips away. You're just a guy, a human being doing the best you can. And you don't have to do it alone.
Cheers.
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I know that I have only myself to blame for the circumstances I am in. After all, we are ultimately responsible for our actions and our lives. But never could I have imagined this. It's almost like a dream state. A vicarious existence in an alternate reality.
I feel like a failure. I've let myself down and my family down. Everything has changed. My home, my plans, my aspirations, my thoughts, my feelings. I've been rejected because of it. I feel like I've ruined my opportunities and squandered my future. My options have been reduced. I'm tired from this constant fatigue. I lack the energy anymore. I used to have ambition. Now I'm debating whether or not it's even worth it. My goals that once motivated me now seem so out-of-reach. I went through so much just to get to where I was. To climb from the bottom to the top, only to be knocked back down again. Everything seems so pointless now. I wanted my family to be proud of me. Proud of the direction I was heading in and of the life I was living. Now the shame and humiliation is just too much. I don't claim to be a visionary, but all I see is pain and isolation. We only get one life, and it seems as though I've done a good job of ruining mine. It's unbearable to live with a mistake that never goes away. Always reminding you of your inadequacies. I don't want to die. But I don't want this life either. I'd rather go to sleep, and just never wake up.
When I read your story it was, as if, I had written it. I know what your going thru, the guilt, The shame for "letting yourself and your family down", the feeling like a failure, the feeling like you waisted the life you were given. I also feel all of that. I wish I could offer some kind of wisdom that could say to take these feelings away. No one should have to endure these thoughts and feelings. I have wished that I could go into a deep sleep permanently and I let myself get to the point that I could not trust myself.
I hope one day I will find the solution for me and I pray that you will too. I know this does not change what your feeling, but know that your not alone. I waited too long before seeking help. It cost me 72 hours of my life and freedom. Being watched and told when and where I could eat, drink, smoke. I was allowed 1 five minute call per day after the first 48 hours. I felt like a criminal. Please don't let it get to that point. So many people here, begged me to seek help and I waited till it was almost too late. I am now seeking help in changing my thought patterns and I pray I will find someone that can help me accomplish this goal.
Best of luck to you.
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My experience included sitting on the curb infront of my townhouse in handcuffs prior to being taken to the hospital mental ward for threatening to kill myself. Then off to the "crazy farm" to get to live with all kinds of people you NEVER wanted to be around at ANY time in your life and this was all 16 years into my dx. We all have those times and they are HORRIBLE ---- BUT ---- they do pass!!!!!!! You life is NOT over. I lost everything I'd worked all my life. Like yourself, I went from the top of the world to the depths of the gutter but I vowed that I WOULD RETURN!!!!! It was my challenge to myself to see if I could make it again. I'd done it once but was I enough of a person to do it again? It was my motivation to prove the HIV wrong that drove me to success again. You too can prove HIV WILL NOT destroy you or your life. Take it on as your personal challenge to yourself and fight like hell!!!!
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DPB-
I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I had/have the exact same feelings since my diagnosis last month. I've had my good days, and my really really bad days, but, now my good days are far outweighing the bad days. I too felt that I had let everyone down/disappointed them, even myself. I remember a few weeks after my diagnosis, I was standing outside a bar having a cigarette and as I saw a semi coming down the street, I briefly thought of stepping out into traffic. I though that would be the best way to do it, hopefully quick and painless. Obviously I didnt take that step. I kept thinking that I would be a bigger disappointment to myself, family, partner, if I took the easy way out. You are right, we can only blame ourselves for the circumstances we are in now, but, it's in the past, there is nothing you can do it about it now. I spent a lot of time asking myself a lot of what ifs. Blaming myself. Beating myself up. All of which does no good, because all of the blame, guilt, whatever, is not going to change anything. I try not to think about how i got to where I am now, what's done is done and nothing I do now will change what i have done in the past. I found reading through the forums helped me tremendously. There is a wealth of information throughout this site. You're life is only going to be over, options reduced, be a failure, IF YOU CHOOSE to live that way, or end up that way. Think of what a disappointment you will or would be if you choose to give up now. Don't give up, continue living. Continue life. It's difficult now, but, it does get better.
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DPB
How are you and where are you?
Em
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Thank you to everyone for the replies.
How are you and where are you?
I'm ok. I'm in the United States (the Pacific Northwest to be slightly more specific). Like jb, I also have good days and bad days. Some days are certainly easier than others. I'm not giving up - far from it. I know it gets easier with time and that life is really what you make it.
I just wish I didn't have to make it the rest of my life with this disease. I wish I could have my old life back.
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Hi Dpb,
Thanks for letting us know how you are, and as to where you are...lucky you to be in one of the beautiful regions of the US. A place where you can walk and think and breathe lots of clean air.
I understand wanting your "old life" back---most of us here, positive or negative, have longing for a time or times past that were better for one reason, relationship,revenue or another. That's a natural part of being hit with this.
You're right, it will get easier (living with HIV) and it will still have its difficulties and annoyances. You seem realistic about things. It likely won't be long before you add some new pursuits that will make that old life a blended part of your total life. And, you will be able to have some perspective. Early on, that is what we don't have...enough distance from the disease to give it the attention it requires, but not let it take over.
When was the last time you went for a relaxed hike?
Take good care of yourself.
Em
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Hi dpb, hope you're doing better man. Your post really struck a chord with me. The feeling of guilt and loss of self-esteem that HIV brings about is incomparable to any other medical condition that I can think of. I, probably like most newly dx went through EXACTLY the same feelings as you. I just couldn't comprehend the enormity of the diagnosis.There were days and to be frank still are (but much much less than before)where I used to think there is just no point in enduring this awful reality. A life of stigma, self-loathing, medicines and a chronic disease where one is treated as a leper is not what I signed up for! All I wanted was to make my family and those who love me feel proud of me. To rub salt on this fresh wound,I still don't feel comfortable with sharing this news with my friends, most of whom are doing well career-wise,romance-wise and health-wise. In my mind, everything just seemed futile and pointless. I felt as if I was drifting through time with no desire to live but just existing. I felt as though I'm sitting in a car on the top of a hill with no brakes and waiting to go downhill and all I can do is just sit back and watch myself self-destruct. Then one morning, after a month of feeling sorry for myself and after contemplating writing to oxford dictionary telling them that they might as well pick my name as a synonym for 'failure' as I epitomised it better than anyone else I knew- I decided to snap out of this viscious cycle. I forced myself to change my chain of thought and 'world view' of things. I've only got one life. Destiny or my bad choices or whatever has dealt me a bad lot of cards- but that by no means is 'game over'. I keep remindin myself eveeryday of how much worse things could be. Just the other day, I saw a beggar on the street with no arms and no legs! I'm sure he'd trade places with me in a heartbeat. I've reconciled myself to the fact that somethings just happen. We have no control over them and the more we try to change it, the more frustration it causes. Its best to accept it, move on and make the best of a bad situation. It goes without sayin that no one thought they would catch it- they did! As did I. I could spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself or pull my socks up, be pro-active and make the best of it. I've come to view my dx as my destiny. Which may sound really silly to some, but I firmly believe that there are somethings we cannot change. Just as we had little to no control over the very fact that we were born or where or as boy or girl or str8 or gay- this too, in my mind was written! In any case, what's done is done and life does go on and as someone else on these forums said- a lot of what one thinks is impossible whilst being poz lies more in our mindset than in reality! Good Luck!
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Dpb,
Like so many others have said, I could have made this post myself at a point in my life, and did make some similar.
Life will go on, even when you think it should not. I lost my job, my house, friends, and many other things after my initial diagnosis. I was sick, and my mental health was horrible. Get some good mental health help. I know it is not easy but having someone to talk to that understands helps.
Since my diagnosis, I have returned to school, I am getting my second masters degree this time in mental health counselling. I have a 4.0 average, and I look forward to returning to the work force. It has not been easy, I struggle every day, but life is getting better. It will for you too. Let go of the guilt and the shame move past them and move towards your bliss.
I wish you the best. All the possibilities of life can be yours.
Peter
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Everything seems to be falling apart.
On Monday morning, I decided I would see a career counselor (military) about re-enlisting as I only have another year and-a-half of service on my current enlistment. He informed me that my particular job (Military Occupational Speciality) was over-strength as of 29 April. In layman terms, that means I will not be extended any re-enlistment opportunities unless I re-class to a different specialty which isn't really an option for various reasons (largely HIV-related). Had I literally come in to his office three days prior, I could've re-enlisted for at least 3 years. He told me to continually check every month to see if the occupational numbers go down, in which case I could then re-enlist. However, their is no guarantee. Now, I have to face the possibility of an even more uncertain future without income, health insurance, or stability.
Things only seem to be getting worse. My life is crumbling before my very eyes.
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Stay strong. Things will get better. Have u tried counselling? Its helping me.
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I have. It's a big help and very therapeutic. However, he's three weeks out and the sessions are only an hour long.
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hang in there buddy.
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Thanks. I'm trying friend. My family and some of the members of this forum have really been a big support and I'm grateful for that.
I'm still concerned about my job, but I have some time still. I'm just hoping for the best and evaluating my options.
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Hi dpb,
Just checking in to say, as everyone is encouraging you to do...hang in there. Things will improve.
The access to therapy sessions, brief and far apart, does present its challenges.
Staying in touch with the forum folk is wise -- it helps to know that others have been down similar paths and can shout back reports about life beyond the beginning of dealing with HIV.
Em
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I've been away for a while. I guess I just wanted to try and move on. I was doing a lot better. I came to accept things more and just focus on moving ahead. But my mental state has changed in the last few days. I just lost my girlfriend - and it feels like I'll never meet someone else who could accept me. I was diagnosed with ostepenia recently, and I'm only 23. I just feel very alone and obviously depressed. I've made so many mistakes and I just continue to, as if I'm just bound for failure. This is probably a tiring process to have to hear my woes, but I really don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to be a burden on my family, so I don't want to talk to them about it. I live alone. I have almost no social life. The prospects of meeting someone else seems even more distant. I'm sorry for sounding so pathetic. It's so hard losing someone you care about, that you've shared so much with. Especially when you know it's mostly your fault, as it always has been. I've made some terrible decisions in my life and I've ruined so many great opportunities. How I wish I could just start over.
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No need to start over. Life is about learning from your past, and moving forward without making those same previous mistakes. Sounds like you're conscious of those mistakes, and have full ability to move on in better shape than most people (who have no reason to become self-aware as you are).
Becoming HIV+ to some is a wakeup call. A shakeup. Pursue your dreams, aware of mortality. HIV isn't a death sentence, especially where you live (the NW US). You may have some issues over the years, but so do others (obesity, diabetes, etc., etc.). You can get past them and live a regular life, take a pill a day, move on being cognizant of choices.
Your mistakes are just that --- mistakes. Welcome to being human. Make mistakes, learn from em, and get past em.
How you HANDLE the issues life throws at you is what makes you who you are. Life is nothing BUT a series of issues, and they often seem unsurmountable. But they're not. Being young, they just seem that way to you. Being an older fart (me), I can see for sure that they're not. You WILL meet someone. You WILL get employment opportunities. You WILL survive (queue Gloria Gaynor).
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I've been away for a while. I guess I just wanted to try and move on. I was doing a lot better. I came to accept things more and just focus on moving ahead. But my mental state has changed in the last few days. I just lost my girlfriend - and it feels like I'll never meet someone else who could accept me. I was diagnosed with ostepenia recently, and I'm only 23. I just feel very alone and obviously depressed. I've made so many mistakes and I just continue to, as if I'm just bound for failure. This is probably a tiring process to have to hear my woes, but I really don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to be a burden on my family, so I don't want to talk to them about it. I live alone. I have almost no social life. The prospects of meeting someone else seems even more distant. I'm sorry for sounding so pathetic. It's so hard losing someone you care about, that you've shared so much with. Especially when you know it's mostly your fault, as it always has been. I've made some terrible decisions in my life and I've ruined so many great opportunities. How I wish I could just start over.
Man this has talk with a therapist or a support group written all over it to me. Your thinking may just being influenced by a recent a breakup, but I think we could all benefit from having more hiv+ people in our lives just to talk about. People who understand what we go through and who don't need a thorough education on the numbers and facts. Is any of that an option for you? Something you might be interested in doing?
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How I wish I could just start over.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can start over. It just takes a bit of will. I've done it several times in my life and you can too. You're young, you can do it.
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Thank you for all of the replies and support.
I'm seeing a therapist, but the sessions are few and far between. I've never really wanted to go to any support groups, even though I'm sure they'd be quite healthy. I think a lot of how I've been feeling lately was related to constant fighting and ultimately breaking up with my girlfriend. I know that's not the end of the world. It was just stressful on top of a lot of other stressses (HIV, ostepenia, sacroiliac joint pain, employment beyond 2013). I'm not used to dealing with all of these health issues and it's been even more difficult because it really changed my plans. I'm trying my best to adjust, move forward, and devise an altered plan. Doing it alone can be hard sometimes.
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dpb, I also want to add my support. It is hard to deal with your diagnosis on top of others which you are dealing with.
Give yourself some time and we are all here for you.
{{{{hugs}}}}
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Thank you. I've seemed to have fallen into a hole of depression recently, and it's just hard to get out of at the moment. What a surreal life this is. I can't tell if it's reality or the initial shock and trauma slowly waring off over time. I don't feel like the same person anymore. I don't experience things the same anymore: happiness, anger, anything - which just compounds this numb, desensitized feeling. Being successful in my life meant avoiding mistakes, and to a lesser degree, HIV. Being successful, for me, involved following very specific plans and goals which are now impossible because of HIV. By my own strict ideas of success, I have already failed myself. I don't have any interest in anything anymore. No ambition anymore, which is the exact opposite of who I was before my diagnosis. I don't want to beat a dead horse or sound like a broken record, but I don't want to talk to anyone else. I'm already seeing a psychiatrist. This is my support group. No one else would even be able to comprehend the enormity of it all, and I just don't want to burden my friends and family with my troubles.
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Sometimes the best psychiatrist are your friends and family - those whom have known you your entire life and know you better than anyone else.
I'm hoping to get a hold of a good therapist for myself up here in Seattle.
If ever you're looking to go to Dunshee House, I can take you if you want. It's not somewhere I'd go by myself so you'd be doing me a favor.
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By my own strict ideas of success, I have already failed myself. I don't have any interest in anything anymore. No ambition anymore, which is the exact opposite of who I was before my diagnosis. I don't want to beat a dead horse or sound like a broken record, but I don't want to talk to anyone else. I'm already seeing a psychiatrist. This is my support group. No one else would even be able to comprehend the enormity of it all, and I just don't want to burden my friends and family with my troubles.
I understand you DPB. Its all about not living up to the high expectations you set for yourself. I felt the same. It is hard to forgive yourself for a mistake that has permanent consequences. But you MUST forgive yourself. You are only human and mistakes happen. You are exactly the same person you were before that day.
I would still urge you to talk to someone- either a therapist or a close family/ friend that you can trust and feel confortable with. Just talking about it to someone helps. It helped me and your feelings mirror mine.
Hang in there.
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Being successful in my life meant avoiding mistakes, and to a lesser degree, HIV. Being successful, for me, involved following very specific plans and goals which are now impossible because of HIV.
If you don't mind me asking, what specific plans and goals do you now feel are impossible? I'm wondering because there are really very few things that become impossible just because of hiv. Unless you planned on a career where unintentional transmission could be a very real possibility, you may be selling yourself short.
You're the same person you were before diagnosis. It may not feel like it's true now, but believe me, it is true.
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Getting out of the Army after my first enlistment was a goal, and now I don't know if I can do that. I have to consider the cost of treatment. Health insurance is a must. Who's going to cover it? I don't know for sure that the military will, even though it's considered a service-connected disability. My other goal was getting out with enough money saved for security and to allow me to live financially independent. Before HIV, I was in a rare position to save a lot with nearly no expenses - which is not the case now. Also, because I wasn't mentally prepared for the move back to the states, I rushed and wasted a lot of money on things I needed. Money I worked very hard for. I was also stripped of my time in a country I loved being, of my friendships, of familiarity. There was so much more I wanted to see and do there; I wasn't supposed to leave for another year. I missed out on a lot believing I had time to spare. It was better for me career wise to be there. I was able to learn directly from experienced civilian technicians at an enterprise level on very expensive equipment. Here, I can't do any of those things. That would've helped. When you switch units in the military, you might as well switch employers. You have to establish yourself all over, which takes a lot of energy. Energy I don't have anymore. I was in a leadership position in my last unit because my command believed in me, trusted in me. Here, I'm a dime a dozen - I'll never have that opportunity. The list goes on and on. I might be the same person, but everything else has changed and it's just not what I wanted.
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Something I've learned in my short 24 years being alive...life will always unfolds as it should. Don't worry, stress, or question it. When one door closes, another one opens. Don't stare at the closed door for too long...turn around man! You're only 23, you have a bright future. Keep a good attitude. This too shall pass, I promise.
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dpb,
How are you at the moment? I have been following your thread had not commented cause off all the sense that was being posted.
What has struck me is that at 23 you have experianced work success , and you clearly have a work ethic. Depression will make that appear very far away but it is not. It is still there .
Drop a line so your support group can listen.
Best wishes
theyer
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dpb,
How are you at the moment? I have been following your thread had not commented cause off all the sense that was being posted.
What has struck me is that at 23 you have experianced work success , and you clearly have a work ethic. Depression will make that appear very far away but it is not. It is still there .
Drop a line so your support group can listen.
Best wishes
theyer
I'm more or less the same. I don't even know what to say anymore. It won't matter. This is the life I've created for myself and I don't know if I have any interest in trying to salvage it. Ruined a lot of relationships along the way and wasted a lot of opportunities. I don't think I'll ever be able to totally forgive myself. I've failed myself. My family tells me they're still proud of me, but I know it's not true. I failed them too.
"Everything will fall, fall right into place. When we die, some sink and some lay. But I won't stop until you float away."
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Does that mean you have told your family? And do you have a history within the family of lying about things? I can easily see a scenario how your Family would retain there pride in you .
I will regularly check the thread
take care
theyer
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Man, you're being far too harsh on yourself.
You have not failed at anything! Please try not thinking this way.
The whole world has sex with no adverse consequences. You just got unlucky. Nothing more.
Don't let the virus run riot in your thoughts.
Things will get better. It may not always seem so, but they will- so hang in there.
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Does that mean you have told your family? And do you have a history within the family of lying about things? I can easily see a scenario how your Family would retain there pride in you .
I will regularly check the thread
take care
theyer
Yes, I told them almost immediately after I was diagnosed. I could be projecting. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my mental state.
Man, you're being far too harsh on yourself.
You have not failed at anything! Please try not thinking this way.
The whole world has sex with no adverse consequences. You just got unlucky. Nothing more.
Don't let the virus run riot in your thoughts.
Things will get better. It may not always seem so, but they will- so hang in there.
I know I'm being hard on myself. I've always been that way because I've always set high expectations for myself. I know I was unlucky. I know tens of millions if not hundreds of millions of people put themselves at the same risk and have no repercussions. I've come to realize that life isn't fair, nor does it guarantee anything other than the simple fact that life will still go on, with or without me. I intend to keep going. Like many others here, I have good days and bad days. It's just been more of the latter recently and I've been depressed. A lot of other recent events like major family problems and a breakup with my girlfriend only exacerbated those feelings. I'm still adjusting to this new life. Not just the diagnosis, but to life back home and the part of me that's still overseas, unready to leave. I'll get there eventually. Change is always difficult; especially when so much changes so quickly. I still have a lot to be grateful for, like everyone here who has supported me and given me some great words of encouragement. Thank you all.
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Hi dpb,
When I was in therapy many moons ago, wise old owl the therapist often said
"life is not fair, its random " She was a very grounded wise women who had been a headmistress off a secondary / high school . She also said when accepting the monthly payment
"oh goody now we can have mackerel for tea"
Thus proving though very wise, educated ,successful in two careers she could be really quite Batty.
Why am I bleating on about my past therapy. Well it had an awful lot to do with my experience off both expected and unexpected bereavement and loss and how to navigate the intense often disabling experiences / feelings arising from said losses.
I was very lucky to have hooked up with her as I was able to use the many £ thousands it cost to get through those years and still be able to use what I learnt on that couch.today.
Your Posts I see as containing a bunch off loss and the bereavement that goes with it ,and I am Glad that you are not pushing it way down where it will only fester. Hope this is not projecting but by putting it out there you are giving your self the change to learn and use the stuff you learn for the future.
Any way best wishes
theyer
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It's been a while since I wrote here. This thread and these forums have been the closest thing to a journal that I've ever had. I've been trying so hard to not let this affect me. I've tried to realize that what's done is done, and I have to move on.
But it's so very difficult for me.
Maybe it's the fact that the very place I live, the organization I work for and the people I interact with are a direct result of my HIV status. Maybe it's how I was legally required to inform my commander (equivalent to your boss in the private sector) of my HIV status and sign documentation stating what I will and will not do as an HIV positive soldier and the repercussions if I do not obey. Or maybe it's that it forced me to leave my home and my unit - one that I loved. The relationships that were severed as a result. Or that I'll never be able to deploy, let alone be eligible for any overseas assignments. To be so limited when I all I ever wanted was to keep as many options open as possible, and never waste any opportunities. I've most certainly squandered both of those attempts. It could be the shame I see in my family's eyes and hear in their voice and how different they are to me. Maybe it's the realization that finding a partner will be nearly impossible. To most people, I am a diseased fucking parasite.
I didn't choose any of these things. But this is the reality; my reality. This has changed my entire life for the worse, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. A never ending problem. I'm tired of talking and reading about this disease all the time. I'm tired of constantly seeing doctors. I'm tired of constantly worrying about my health and my future. Tired of having no ambition and trading my career away for my health. Tired of this entire existence, because it is most certainly not a life. I am nothing now that I used to be. I'll only ever be remembered for acquiring this taboo disease that makes everyone so afraid and uncomfortable that I can't even fucking talk about it to my own father. I'll be remembered for having such a bright future and pissing it all away. I could've been so successful; I could've been happy. Could've found love. I made a terrible mistake, and this is the 'life' I have to show for it. I want my old life back. I want to enjoy life again. I'm trying. It just doesn't seem possible anymore.
In the words of the late Layne Staley:
"We chase misprinted lies,
We face the path of time.
And yet I fight, and yet I fight this battle all alone.
No one to cry to,
No place to call home.
My gift of self is raped,
My privacy is raked.
And yet I find, and yet I find repeating in my head,
If I can't be my own,
I'd feel better dead."
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It's been a while since I wrote here. This thread and these forums have been the closest thing to a journal that I've ever had. I've been trying so hard to not let this affect me. I've tried to realize that what's done is done, and I have to move on.
But it's so very difficult for me.
Maybe it's the fact that the very place I live, the organization I work for and the people I interact with are a direct result of my HIV status. Maybe it's how I was legally required to inform my commander (equivalent to your boss in the private sector) of my HIV status and sign documentation stating what I will and will not do as an HIV positive soldier and the repercussions if I do not obey. Or maybe it's that it forced me to leave my home and my unit - one that I loved. The relationships that were severed as a result. Or that I'll never be able to deploy, let alone be eligible for any overseas assignments. To be so limited when I all I ever wanted was to keep as many options open as possible, and never waste any opportunities. I've most certainly squandered both of those attempts. It could be the shame I see in my family's eyes and hear in their voice and how different they are to me. Maybe it's the realization that finding a partner will be nearly impossible. To most people, I am a diseased fucking parasite.
I didn't choose any of these things. But this is the reality; my reality. This has changed my entire life for the worse, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. A never ending problem. I'm tired of talking and reading about this disease all the time. I'm tired of constantly seeing doctors. I'm tired of constantly worrying about my health and my future. Tired of having no ambition and trading my career away for my health. Tired of this entire existence, because it is most certainly not a life. I am nothing now that I used to be. I'll only ever be remembered for acquiring this taboo disease that makes everyone so afraid and uncomfortable that I can't even fucking talk about it to my own father. I'll be remembered for having such a bright future and pissing it all away. I could've been so successful; I could've been happy. Could've found love. I made a terrible mistake, and this is the 'life' I have to show for it. I want my old life back. I want to enjoy life again. I'm trying. It just doesn't seem possible anymore.
Did you ever seek out some sort of therapist to talk to? In my opinion and experience you need this more than anyone else I've ever read who posts on this site. The mental anguish you're putting yourself through is causing you to do some unnecessary damage to yourself. Please talk to someone, if you just need to talk to one of us on the forums in private do that. We know what you're going through as we've all been through some form of it before. If you need absolutely anything that I can help you with, feel free to contact me.
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dpb, your life has changed, that's true. But try to stop looking back; in life, we all lose some things. The only way out is looking forward. Besides, you're not alone. We are young (I'm 26), we have a long way ahead of us still, and this virus does not define who we are. My infection was recent as well, and it's still difficult sometimes, but I'm working hard not to give in. In fact, I think this is one more reason for me to enjoy life to the fullest, and do all the things I really want to do. Life is too short and maybe this can be used as a wake-up call. It's up to us. Sure, maybe you've lost some opportunities, but there are many more out there that you've never imagined, trust me. And love... well, love surprises us. I'm sure you will be surprised by it again and again. Stay strong! :)
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It could be the shame I see in my family's eyes and hear in their voice and how different they are to me.
That is, most certainly, you projecting.
Maybe it's the realization that finding a partner will be nearly impossible
. Difficult, not impossible and you know it.
To most people, I am a diseased fucking parasite.
You are a person, and when people meet you they see that person- not a virus or a parasite. I am a little surprised you could talk such bollocks.
I didn't choose any of these things. But this is the reality; my reality.
No one on this planet chose to get infected (well at least no one with a functioning brain).
This has changed my entire life for the worse, and there's nothing I can do to fix it.
You know that is not true. Even though having HIV adds a layer of difficulties in your life, you have no way of knowing how your life will pan out and certainly not of knowing how good or bad your life will be.
A never ending problem. I'm tired of talking and reading about this disease all the time. I'm tired of constantly seeing doctors. I'm tired of constantly worrying about my health and my future. Tired of having no ambition and trading my career away for my health. Tired of this entire existence, because it is most certainly not a life. I am nothing now that I used to be. I'll only ever be remembered for acquiring this taboo disease that makes everyone so afraid and uncomfortable that I can't even fucking talk about it to my own father. I'll be remembered for having such a bright future and pissing it all away. I could've been so successful; I could've been happy. Could've found love. I made a terrible mistake, and this is the 'life' I have to show for it. I want my old life back. I want to enjoy life again. I'm trying. It just doesn't seem possible anymore.
If you are tired of reading about HIV, then take a break! Seriously man, find yourself some other distraction. Anything- read an interesting novel, watch some porno, go hiking-whatever!
I don’t want to sound mean, but you will probably be remembered for this disease if and only if you do give up because of it. You know you are smarter and better than that. You know that it is still very much within your hands to still have a bright future, be successful, be happy and find love- in spite of HIV!
You have a medical condition and it is just one facet of your life. Your life is so much more than this. I know you’re clever enough to see that all the possibilities of life are still yours if only you lift this cloud of negativism and morbid speculation that is colouring your thoughts and judgment.
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How are you ?
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Did you ever seek out some sort of therapist to talk to? In my opinion and experience you need this more than anyone else I've ever read who posts on this site. The mental anguish you're putting yourself through is causing you to do some unnecessary damage to yourself. Please talk to someone, if you just need to talk to one of us on the forums in private do that. We know what you're going through as we've all been through some form of it before. If you need absolutely anything that I can help you with, feel free to contact me.
I'm seeing a therapist. I do talk to some forum members privately. Thanks for offering your help. It really does mean a lot.
dpb, your life has changed, that's true. But try to stop looking back; in life, we all lose some things. The only way out is looking forward. Besides, you're not alone. We are young (I'm 26), we have a long way ahead of us still, and this virus does not define who we are. My infection was recent as well, and it's still difficult sometimes, but I'm working hard not to give in. In fact, I think this is one more reason for me to enjoy life to the fullest, and do all the things I really want to do. Life is too short and maybe this can be used as a wake-up call. It's up to us. Sure, maybe you've lost some opportunities, but there are many more out there that you've never imagined, trust me. And love... well, love surprises us. I'm sure you will be surprised by it again and again. Stay strong! :)
I'm trying my best to stay strong, but I would best describe it as a battle. HIV itself isn't the biggest source of the anguish and depression I've experienced. It's the professional, personal, and financial aspects of my life that have changed as a result of my infection that have caused so much turmoil. This happened at a critical and vulnerable stage in my career and development. Everything else fell like dominoes as a result. I don't expect everyone to understand. I was in a very unique situation before my diagnosis and had very specific goals which are now unattainable. I loved where I was at; loved the life I was leading. It's difficult knowing that my potential won't be realized the way I had envisioned it for so long, especially in such a preventable manner. I was on a completely different path before than the one I'm on now, and there's no going back. That's just the unfortunate truth. I don't blame anyone for anything but me; I failed myself.
How are you ?
I wish I could say I'm doing good. I remember when someone once asked me what it was I wanted out of life. My response was I only wanted two things: to be successful, and to be happy. As I've come to realize, my perception of success is as much tied to my happiness as anything else in this world. They are one in the same. I was so goal oriented and ambitious. That's what gave my life meaning. Because I feel unsuccessful, I subsequently feel unhappy. I don't think I'll ever be able to shake that feeling. As I've said before, I'm hard on myself because I've always set high expectations for myself. Expectations that required hard work, determination, sacrifice, and commitment. That's just who I am. But, I no longer have that drive. It no longer exists. A huge part of what made me who I was is now missing, and I feel lost with no direction or sense of purpose.
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I'm trying my best to stay strong, but I would best describe it as a battle. HIV itself isn't the biggest source of the anguish and depression I've experienced. It's the professional, personal, and financial aspects of my life that have changed as a result of my infection that have caused so much turmoil. This happened at a critical and vulnerable stage in my career and development. Everything else fell like dominoes as a result. I don't expect everyone to understand. I was in a very unique situation before my diagnosis and had very specific goals which are now unattainable. I loved where I was at; loved the life I was leading. It's difficult knowing that my potential won't be realized the way I had envisioned it for so long, especially in such a preventable manner. I was on a completely different path before than the one I'm on now, and there's no going back. That's just the unfortunate truth. I don't blame anyone for anything but me; I failed myself.
If I understood correctly, you were in the military or something. So do see it as a battle. Life itself is a continuous battle. Daily we fight to survive, and with HIV comes an extra challenge. True, some days you'll be defeated, but some days you'll kick that virus' ass on its knees. Don't be hard on yourself (though I know it's easy to say, I'm hard on myself as well, always with high expectations) and give yourself some time to breathe. And when things are tough, do things you like so you can take your mind out of it. I play videogame, it sure helps.
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You're absolutely right. Life is a continuous battle. It does me no good to focus on the things that I can not control. What's done is done. I need to stop living in the past and start living in the present.
I just want to thank everyone who has taken the time to post and offer their thoughts, advice, and support. You've been a great help in this difficult time. Thank you.
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Hey I can completely understand. Had most of those same thoughts and feelings. Take care of yourself ... it does get better.
I was crushed. Felt like a complete failure. Stupid and all of the other negative feelings that go along with it. I was found to be positive through routine follow blood work for diabetes. Shocked! And even more shocked when the doctor said I have been positive for 5 to 10 years based on my numbers. After 4 major surgeries and hospitalization even. that really complicated the digestive process. WHY ME? HOW COULD THIS BE TRUE..NOW after all the medical crap I've been through.
So I started thinking long and hard about it after visiting the doctors a couple of times. I asked myself...if I have had HIV for as long as he thinks....What really has changed? Now I just know. I take meds, keep it under control and they have almost guarenteed I will be fine. 4 weeks in, the meds are ok, no side affects, I feel fine, always have, never been sick with the text book symptoms....so What really has changed? I know now.
I've learned a lot in a very short time about the world of HIV. We have chronic virus that we have to keep in check. Thats it! That's all. We are not going to die from it. It's not 20 years ago. It's 2011 and new studies and findings are coming up every day. Keep the faith my friend. Please reach out to group or counselor before doing anything drastic.
Don't let it ruin your life and definately don't let it make you think you have to take your life. YOUR FINE!! You are not alone. Feel free to email me if you want to talk. I'm on the East Coast. D
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Thanks dd.
My psychologist has diagnosed me with adjustment disorder. I'm better now than I was a few months ago, but each day brings its own challenges in this new reality of mine. I've been alone for a long time. Now more than ever, I really need someone in my life. I've been trying to meet other people and put myself out there, but no one seems very interested. Rejection and loneliness are truly awful feelings.
I want to have a fulfilling life again, and I want to share it with someone.. someone special. Having that would bring me so much happiness and resolve. I just don't want to be alone anymore. Don't want to fight this battle by myself.
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How are things DPB?
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Things were OK as you know until someone at work found out about my medical diagnosis. When I informed my commander and he reprimanded her (over the phone as he was on vacation at the time), this individual got an attitude problem and was constantly starting arguments with me in the office and bringing up personal issues that she had just been warned not to speak of. They ended up kicking her out of the company and moving her into a new unit, and I thought the troubles were over. As I found out today from my commander, several other senior ranking members of my unit also found out about my medical situation, and it's impossible to know how many others as a result of this one individual. All this, because several months ago, I told one co-worker in confidence under the condition that she not speak of it to anyone. She seemed genuine and trustworthy, and I had considered her a friend then. She then goes overseas and I think she's true to her word, and that's when I find out she had told at least one person that I currently work with.
Now I feel extremely uncomfortable at work, and I know what everyone's going to say: I brought this on myself, be very selective about who you disclose to, etc. I know that. I knew that then. I don't need any more reminders - I needed support and to be accepted. Someone who became a friend said they'd be there and would keep whatever I had to say confidential. Well my bad, I'm a human god damn being who's dealing with this almost entirely on my own. I've learned another extremely costly lesson, so I don't need anyone to tell me what I did wrong - I'm well aware of that. Now I get to spend the next year wondering who knows and who doesn't know about my diagnosis and just wanting to isolate myself even further. I can't trust anyone anymore. Even my closest family members have ended up telling other family members when I specifically told them not to. I want to delete all of my social media accounts, delete my email, wait until I get out of the service, change my name, and just move far away from here and try my best at starting over. I can't deal with all of this, it's just too damn much. I'm going to see another psychologist outside of my insurance (paying out-of-pocket) because I do want to get better and I know I need the help. I've just had my trust completely shattered in so many people and I can't escape this at work anymore.
This life is just a domino effect now, where HIV was the first domino to fall, and all of the rest are coming down behind it as a result. This diagnosis was the worst possible thing that could have happened to me next to being sentenced to life in prison, but in many ways - I feel it's the same. I've already been condemned to this life, and I'm just living behind the bars now. My fate's already been decided by one mistake - and that was a mistake of trusting someone too much. I can't do anything about it now. Maybe I have a genetic predisposition to not being able to handle extreme stresses or trauma, maybe it's that I've been doing this completely on my own, or that the sheer magnitude of it all has caused physiological changes in my brain making me incapable of coping with this. I have no idea, because everyone else seems to think I should be just fine and dandy with this life. This is a nightmare that's come to fruition. I've already been given a life sentence, and nothing I can do will change it. I meant it when I said I didn't want this life.
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I almost wish you had asked us before you disclosed to anyone, because it's practically a mantra around these parts, "Once someone else knows, everyone knows". You have to be prepared for the eventuality that everyone will find out once you have told someone even in the strictest of confidences. It's really unfortunate that it was someone you work with because you can't just quit your job, whereas a social acquaintance you could just stop associating with. I'm glad you're seeing a professional because I still don't think you've come to terms with your diagnosis.
It is not the end of the world. It's merely a disease and one more brick in the backpack of life's burdens, albeit a heavy one.
I really hope you can see your way out of the murk that you're lost in soon. It gets a lot better when you do.
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It is not the end of the world. It's merely a disease and one more brick in the backpack of life's burdens, albeit a heavy one.
I really hope you can see your way out of the murk that you're lost in soon. It gets a lot better when you do.
My mindset has been so volatile these past several months, but you're absolutely right - it does get better when I do. Thanks Hellraiser.
Something happened to me yesterday that might've been discouraging for most people, but was enlightening for me. I fractured a few fingers while I was wakeboarding, and I almost immediately saw how much it is I'd taken things for granted these days. At that moment, I realized how thankful I was to have family that was there to help me. Thankful to have a job and medical insurance. Thankful to live in a time where this disease is manageable. Thankful to be alive and healthy.
Life really is what you make it. The sky is the limit.
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I understand , first you got injured being active, outside and having fun and then the problem was sorted with care. Its great to hear that life is better.
theyer
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I've tried so hard to put up a wall of strength. I've tried to reach out to others and offer my hand in help, but they don't even care enough to reciprocate. I'm not worth their time. I'm beyond sick and tired of helping people who could care less about me. I'm tired of always being too trusting. I'm sick of this fucking occupation that's told me I'm expendable. My livelihood and everything that comes with it is nothing more than sand in an hourglass, slowly moving toward the inevitable. Fuck my sacrifices and everything I gave up. I am a fucking number to them that is straining their budgets while they lose billions annually to waste, fraud, and negligence. But I know it is my fault for everything. My fault for putting myself in this situation in the first place, my fault for being a fucking idiot and not protecting myself, my fault for my own mistakes that will forever haunt me until I finally quit fighting to live and cease to care.
"Losses, losers and more. Gain of life's pleasures. Cohorts listen
behind the doors to a life meaningless, less than 0 in me, all my walls,
falling down. Pains aloft. Misery.
I'm sure that the lessons were learned. I'm sure that the punishments
went well deserved by the pawn in the plan.
Walk from me everything, systematically.
Tell me what I'm supposed to be.
Tell me who I'm supposed to be.
Tell me what it takes to ascend.
Tell me what it takes to live.
Patience, pleasures and rewards, come in due time. Stare at the sun,
I'm bored. In a life meaningless, soaking up all of me, like the cross
you worship - life is loss, look at me. I'm sure that some day we'll wake
up. I'm sure that some day we'll wake from the dream.
Of success and focus...tunneling to the light glowing deep inside of
me.
Pain, misery, distress, dismal, nowhere, depressed, idiot, failure.
In me......calling......loser......man I'm the
Loser......loser.....loser......in me......who I am....in me....
Tell me what I'm supposed to be.
Tell me who I'm supposed to be.
Tell me what it takes to ascend.
Tell me what it takes to live."
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Just a quick note hoping you take care of yourself.
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Please write some specifics that have ground you down into this depression. I read through your history. For example you said the diagnosis destroyed you career and future plans, but didn't offer details. Also, that your family will forever be ashamed. And that you will never find a partner.
You are seeing the darkest outcome in every sphere of life. This is a serious depression and needs attention.
The post above seems specifically to do with work. A lot of us can relate, for sure? What is it specfically? Earlier posts, I got the impression that your career plans in your opinion cant work out now that you are hiv+.
But, in this post above, sounds like your job is on the line..
I appreciate the poetry and feel the pain and anguish.
But all the members here can give you empathy and advice and encouragement a little more constructive, perhaps, if you spell out some of the present challenges.
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Specifics.
I was in a rare opportunity before my HIV diagnosis to save a whole lot of money with almost no expenses. The reason I joined the service was to come out of it with enough saved that I could feel secure. Before my HIV diagnosis, I was living in government quarters and receiving free food. I didn't need to buy furniture because it was provided also. Transportation, everything was provided. So, I saved over $2,000 (around 95% of my pay) each month. I was on track for $100,000 by the time I got out of the service around my 25th birthday. I liked the simplicity and minimalism because I wasn't being tied down by possessions, as I had in the past. It allowed me to live more freely and make moving both while I was in the service and when I got out an easier proposition because I could literally fit all of my belongings in a few suitcases and duffelbags, all while having a ton of money growing and 100% medical coverage at no cost to me. After my HIV diagnosis, I was forced to move back stateside, where pay is significantly less. Also, I was incorrectly told I would not be allowed to live in government quarters because of that and would need to find an off-post residence (ie. apartment). Because I had rid myself of all my belongings before I joined the service, I was now back in the same position. I bought thousands of dollars worth of new furniture, spent even more on a new car - and I didn't want any of it. But I was sort of pressured into buying these things from family knowing how much I had, and being still in a state of shock and extreme depression from my recent diagnosis and total life change - I wasted tens of thousands of dollars. Given that my main goal was saving money, I felt I had wasted all of my sacrifices and wasted years of my life for what? The chance to put myself back in a situation where I have a ton of bills and am forced to fork out the majority of my paycheck just to live? I didn't want that, I wanted to succeed, and I knew I had a golden opportunity. That's why I joined, that's why I did what I did. HIV changed all of that. Maybe you won't understand.
I was adament before that I would get out. I didn't like the military or it's rigid structure and discipline. I did it for the benefits and because I had no real options when I lost my job in 2008. My family wouldn't help me, and the housing market collapsed which I just happened to work in with no college education to fall back on. I also had an apartment full of stuff which I had to do something with. That led me to wanting to never be in that situation again, never be tied down by possessions again, never need to ask my family for help again, and be totally independent and self-reliant, and successful. I was determined. Now, because I have all of these bills to pay, this apartment of stuff I have to maintain, i'm back to the drawing board. I found out I would be unable to re-enlist unless I reclassed, which means re-training for a completely new job which would force me to move again to another base for months, possibly up to a year. Then after that, I would be needs of the Army, and could be moved anywhere in the country. I'm currently home and near my family after having been gone for years. I want stability and security, and the realization that I won't have that is extremely discouraging and stressful. If I get out, what will I do to get by? The economy is fucking terrible still. I still don't know how my medical will be covered. So, I'm just facing a lot of uncertainty and I feel like I wasted so much and blew my only shot to be successful as I saw it.
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Maybe you won't understand.
Ok I understand completely, infact! What a rotten bum deal by the military. And now, back to expenses, stuff, and no savings, all this uncertainty.
There is no way to sugarcoat it. There is no pollyanna response I can offer.
Maybe just the reality. You are young and are learning some things at least. For instance, recreate the mefist determinism that you had in Europe again in the USA. If you felt pressured to recreate a household, but resent it, well, you seem to say nobody cares about you, but you did something under pressure by people? Nobody held a gun to your head about a new car. New? How big is the apartment, and why? How much stuff did you buy and why? You wanted a spartan life. What happened?
Otherwise, I think you should settle into the now and start getting answers about so many different things.
If you like the stability and insurance of the military job, maybe you should stick around and see where it might lead. If in the near future, it means a move to another location, see if theres a way to pare down. Yeah, it will be at a loss, but if it leads to a steady military job in another location and a chance for some of the savings you like, that would be going forward.
Sooner or later you have to think of long term plans for a livelihood. Are you sure the present position can't be a stepping stone? If you need to retrain, what do you want to do?
You are young and you shouldn't throw away all your twenties thinking you've made irreparable mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Even big ones. Still, you got a job, you have moxie, you have discipline. Can you slowly mix some important new things into your life - like a sex life or love life, and making friends? Anyone can have friends if they make a point of it.
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Its just that your post is so dark and filled with frustration. What kind of response do you want here? I think you have some heavy anxiety to deal with. That's not saying there is no reason to feel anxious. Of course there is. But going forward you have got to create a few spheres of life that can return something good to you, when one or another is going badly, or filled with stress.
Look at it this way. You do have a job. You do have insurance. You have a home and a little cash in the wallet. So the glass is half filled at the moment.
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I see a lot of me in this post. I got therapy and an antidepressant from my psychiatrist. Finding the 'sweet spot' with the medication is the difficult part. It works. You need an antidepressant..it works wonders and will help you get through this difficult time in your life. Life is UNFAIR and all of us have been through that sort of up and down you are going through. When you've been knocked down in life you have but one choice - GET UP! STAND-UP! TAKE A STEP FORWARD! Come-on, you can do it. Everyone gets knocked down. You are a wonderful man regardless of your ambition, drive and whatever ticker tape you have running in your head that someone put there and you bought into. You are not your ambition, just as you are not your HIV. Those emotions are there, but they are not you. If you were given breathing room, you undoubtedly would choose not to hurt yourself.
Go take the time and get medicated.
This reminds me of how I would get the flu and suffer for 6 weeks when had I seen the doctor in the first three days I would have cut back my suffering by 5 weeks.
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I just wanted to thank you Mecch and 73599 for your wisdom and encouragement.
What initially prompted these negative thoughts and feelings was learning that after 6 months, my job was still overstrength and will be for the foreseeable future; meaning I wouldn't be able to have the luxury of still living here and keeping my job. I guess I had just assumed I would be able to and rationalized that I didn't want to move anymore. The other was that I've felt inadequate after having been through some tumultuous relationships with family, friends, and girlfriends. I've just been tired of placing these other people higher on my priorities than myself, because it's only caused me more pain. Tired of being ignored by people and feeling like I would always be there to help them in a hearbeat, only to be rejected and isolated from them.
As far as my job, I do have a few options. Their is a program that is tailor made for service members in similar situations as me. Some jobs are understrength and are incentivized with bonuses. The contracts vary from 2 to 6 years. The longer the contract, the larger the bonus. The one that looks the most promising is in intelligence, and also offers the largest bonus at $16,500 for 6 years. That would put me at 10 years of total service and halfway towards retirement (eligible for a pension and free healthcare for life after 20 years of service). I would be able to retire at age 41. In the mean-time, I would have a steady paycheck with excellent benefits and comprehensive health-care coverage at no cost (no premiums or deductibles). The downside is that I would have to move again for training and a new duty station thereafter. There are many more rules and laws to follow and there is far less freedom and privacy. The rank-and-file, disciplined, and rigid structure has never been something I liked, but the benefits are clear.
My other option is to simply seperate from the service next year upon completion of my enlistment. This is what I had originally planned to do, but I did so with the idea I would have at least $100,000 saved at 25 and no medical problems. I might have only half of that by next year. I know I'll be eligible for at least some medical benefits because I was diagnosed on active-duty, which is service connected. I don't know to what extent, although I would presume most of my medical costs would still be covered. Determination of eligiblity for benefits and compensation doesn't begin until 6 months prior to seperation. If I was to get out, I would likely go to school full-time as my tuition would be 100% covered under the G.I. Bill, and I could receive a monthly housing allowance each month if I was a full-time student to help cover the cost of living (for up to 3 years). There is more long-term uncertainty in this option, but more freedom and stability as far as where I live and what I choose to do. I could try to work part-time or also pursue a full-time government position in I.T. (my field) but without a degree and extensive work history, there's no guarantee, especially in this economy.
To summarize, the pay is good and steady, the benefits are outstanding, and I would be able to retire with a pension at a fairly young age. However, I would also have to move yet again and live away from my home and family; giving up a lot of my freedoms in the process. Going to college would allow me to earn a degree in something I was truly passionate in and enjoyed, but wouldn't offer any guarantees or stability as far as pay and benefits. I guess if I truly loved the military, it would make this decision a lot easier, but I don't. I joined because I felt it was the best thing for me to do, and I feel it may still be the best option given my circumstances.
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Focus on the positives in your life not the negatives. I know easier said than done but just remember there is always somebody who is worse off than you. Be thankful for another day. Take one day at a time otherwise you will just overwhelm yourself and stress yourself out. It will not do you any good to harp on things that you cannot change. LIVE IN THE HERE AND NOW. You are NOT alone. Also remember just as others said HIV does not define a person. Chin up!
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Sometimes I feel exactly the way you do, and it's hard as hell. Two months ago, I attempted suicide, and when I was in the psychiatric hospital, I suddenly had this realization that I had to take control of my life and make it what I wanted it to be. Shame, guilt, and regret are useless emotions, and I refuse to let them control me any longer. Life may turn out different than what I had planned, but damn it, I'm going to make sure my life turns out good. You can do the same. My heart goes out to you.
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I'm doing as well as I ever have since my diagnosis. HIV no longer controls my thoughts or my life. It is essentially on the back-burner. I do what I need to in order to take care of myself. It took me a long time to fully come to terms with all the change I've endured this past year, but I finally have. In the process I've learned a lot about myself. I've realized I have more strength than I ever could have imagined. I'm going to be separating from the service next November, and I'm ok with that now. I'm not going to stress over the things I cannot control. As another poster mentioned, when one door closes another one opens. I have some great options and benefits at my disposal. Nothing was stopping me from achieving the things I want but my own self-imposed limitations, and that's no more. It's been great to be close with my family again and be apart of my two year old nephew's life. I don't regret anymore. I know that everything I've ever done I wanted at that point in time. Life is unpredictable and can take us down many paths. It is a precious thing which we should make the most of for we only live once. It's all fallen into place.
"Everything will fall right into place.
When we die, some sink and some lay.
But at least I don't see you float away.
It all will fall, fall right into place."
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I'm doing as well as I ever have since my diagnosis. HIV no longer controls my thoughts or my life. It is essentially on the back-burner. I do what I need to in order to take care of myself. It took me a long time to fully come to terms with all the change I've endured this past year, but I finally have. In the process I've learned a lot about myself. I've realized I have more strength than I ever could have imagined. I'm going to be separating from the service next November, and I'm ok with that now. I'm not going to stress over the things I cannot control. As another poster mentioned, when one door closes another one opens. I have some great options and benefits at my disposal. Nothing was stopping me from achieving the things I want but my own self-imposed limitations, and that's no more. It's been great to be close with my family again and be apart of my two year old nephew's life. I don't regret anymore. I know that everything I've ever done I wanted at that point in time. Life is unpredictable and can take us down many paths. It is a precious thing which we should make the most of for we only live once. It's all fallen into place.
"Everything will fall right into place.
When we die, some sink and some lay.
But at least I don't see you float away.
It all will fall, fall right into place."
Fan-freaking-tastic! I'm glad you got yourself to a better place. It can be a struggle, but it's so worth it and the satisfaction of having pulled yourself up by your bootstraps is priceless. The satisfaction of not only knowing, but also accepting yourself is equally priceless.
You may still have some dark days ahead - we all go through that from time to time - but now you know you have the strength to work though it and come back out into the light again. I'm really happy for you. :)
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Thanks Ann. I couldn't have done it without all the tremendous knowledge, advice, and wisdom I received from the members of this forum. This is my support group, and I'm grateful for it. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to offer their words of encouragement to me over the last 10 months. It feels great to finally live again.
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Dpb,
It all will fall, fall right into place.
I can testify to that!
Glad things are better.
Take care.
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This is amazing! You've endured through a lot the past year DPB, and I am so happy things are looking up for you!.
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This is pretty surreal, but my father passed away last night. He went into cardiac arrest and his heart stopped for 25 minutes before they brought him back. He fought hard enough to stay alive so that his family could be there and see him one last time. He died peacefully and with dignity, but we are so shocked and devastated. 23 years is not enough time to have with my dad. He was my "rock" for nearly my entire life. I could turn to him for anything. When I was diagnosed, he was the first person I called. The shame I felt was for him, because I wanted nothing more than for him to be proud of me. He was the smartest person I ever knew and taught me how to be a man. Failure was never an option when I was growing up because he knew what I was capable of. Yet he was so loving. I feel terrible for having hardly seen him the last 9 months since I have been back home. I spent Thanksgiving with him and he even came down to see my new apartment a week ago. I hope he was comforted knowing his youngest son is self-reliant and independent, just like he raised me to be. He had a way of always making me calm. I remember the day I left for basic training, and telling him I couldn't go. I'll never forget what he told me: "Son, I know it's hard. But you need to do this. Sometimes you just have to jump with both feet forward." I knew then that he was right (as he always was). It was one of the hardest goodbye's of my life. I wish I didn't have to say my last one's. Dad, thank you for supporting me, helping me, and raising me. I hope that you were as proud of me as your son as I was of you as my father. I will miss your comforting embrace, your witty sense of humor, and your unconditional love. You meant more to me than anything, and you will always be with me. I will miss you more than words could ever explain. I love you so much dad, and I always will. I know you've given me the strength to persevere through anything, but it will be so much harder without you here. Without your words, your guidance, and your comfort. Rest in peace dad. You will forever be apart of me.
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dbp, I am so sorry for your loss. Your father sounds like a wonderful human being, man and father. It sounds as though a very big part of him will live on in your heart, and someday you'll be able to pass that wisdom on to your own children, and perhaps nieces and nephews.
Please know that we have your back as you go through the next week or so. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get through it all. Your father was and will be proud of you.
Hugs,
Ann
xxx
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Sorry for your loss, dpb. I never had a father on whom I could count, so cherish those memories and he will continue being your rock. That he may always give you strength, as you continue moving forward, as you have.
Wish you all the best.
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I'm sorry for your loss . That was a beautiful tribute to your father , my condolences to you and your family .
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Sorry for the loss of your father - he sounds like he was a strong influence and support in your life. It is wonderful that you all had the relationship you did.
Having lost my father fairly quickly 8 months ago, I know how difficult it can be. My father and I were also close, he was my support in so many areas of my life, and always provided a listening ear - we talked every morning before I would leave for work and several times each day.
I find my comfort in reflecting on the great times him and I shared and knowing that I can still hold conversations with him - or sometimes I simply sit and let him know how much I miss him.
His passing has actually fueled me to try to live my life in ways that I know would make him smile - and to try to emulate some of the qualities he possessed. To me, that is the best tribute I can continue to give to a man that meant so much to me.
Know that you can lean on members here for support - and continue on knowing that you have friends here that are willing to listen.
Best to you and sincere condolences to you and your family.
-Phil
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That was a loving tribute to your father, dpb.
My condolences on your loss
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My family has completely broken apart. I've tried to be neutral, but somehow I ended up being the middle-man and being attacked for it by 3 of my siblings and their spouses. Told to go to hell and that they will not attend my father's funeral. Told me they never want to see me again. Told "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you." Now I'm the asshole. I'm the bad guy somehow. I don't even want to be here anymore. I don't want to go to my father's own funeral now. I am sick to the point of nausea, migraines, and aches. I want to shut off my phone, delete my e-mail, delete my social media accounts, change my name, and shut down. I've lost the person who was closest to me in my whole life, and now my relationships with most of my family has been severed permanently. I have only a few people I even can consider family now. I want to go home, go into my apartment, and shut myself off from the rest of the world. I don't want to talk, I don't want to see or be seen. I don't know if I will be able to live like this. Just when I get to the point when I've accepted my life and my mistakes, I somehow become public enemy number one when all I wanted was to stay neutral and keep the peace between siblings. The stress and ache I feel is almost overwhelming. I have nearly lost everything, and I don't want to have it back. I don't want to talk to them again. I don't want to love them again. I don't want to be loved again. I want to fade into oblivion without a word.
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I thought I had written it, too! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Your life will change, but I swear, it gets better. Love, Sam
When I read your story it was, as if, I had written it. I know what your going thru, the guilt, The shame for "letting yourself and your family down", the feeling like a failure, the feeling like you waisted the life you were given. I also feel all of that. I wish I could offer some kind of wisdom that could say to take these feelings away. No one should have to endure these thoughts and feelings. I have wished that I could go into a deep sleep permanently and I let myself get to the point that I could not trust myself.
I hope one day I will find the solution for me and I pray that you will too. I know this does not change what your feeling, but know that your not alone. I waited too long before seeking help. It cost me 72 hours of my life and freedom. Being watched and told when and where I could eat, drink, smoke. I was allowed 1 five minute call per day after the first 48 hours. I felt like a criminal. Please don't let it get to that point. So many people here, begged me to seek help and I waited till it was almost too late. I am now seeking help in changing my thought patterns and I pray I will find someone that can help me accomplish this goal.
Best of luck to you.
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I offer my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your father, DPB.
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My father's sudden death has caused a chain of events which is literally tearing our entire family apart. I've somehow become public enemy #1, stuck in the middle, who was only trying to be neutral. There were some outstanding issues that were directly related to my father and other members of my family. My father's problems are now our problems, and it has escalated to the point of almost hostility. This is so, so surreal. I cannot believe it. I want to go home and shut myself off from the rest of the world.
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...
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dpb
You edited a message you posted on the board today. Is there something you'd like to share with the board? We're here listening and hoping to hear from you again.
GROWLER
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I'm ok. I've just taken a break from it all.
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2011 has been without question the most difficult year of my life. It began with the news that my cousin I grew up with had attempted suicide in early January and was hospitalized in critical condition. Three days later I was diagnosed with HIV on my mother's birthday and informed that I would be sent back to the United States; prohibited from ever serving overseas again. A week later, on my 23rd birthday, I had to work a 24 hour shift in absolute terror. Firmly believing every second of that shift that my life was over and everything I had worked for was for nothing. It wasn't long before I would come to find out that the girl I had been with for 10 months had infected me and lied to me about nearly every aspect of her life. She stopped answering my calls and abandoned me, as did another close person in my life when I needed her the most. I flew home and met my family at the airport. Head held low full of shame, regret, humiliation, and despair. I had to inform my command of my diagnosis when I arrived and sign documentation stating what I would and would not do as an HIV positive soldier. I then had to sign the same documents again with a case worker, and my doctor. Told I could no longer live in government quarters and had to live in off-post housing when I had no vehicle, no furniture, and no previous intentions or preparations of acquiring them anytime soon. I blew through half of my savings that I worked so hard for. Hastily spent tens of thousands of dollars. Diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis (a type of arthritis that affects the spine/hips) and osteopenia. Was accused by a relative of "using my disease as an excuse to take advantage of my family" after getting upset that this individual retracted her offer to help me at a time I needed it, but didn't want to accept it. Fell into deep depression, and considered suicide for the first time in my life. Fatigue was overwhelming and I soon lacked energy, aspiration, and ambition which was once my main motivation in life. Relationship problems. Disclosure. Being told during a breakup by my ex-girlfriend that she hoped she could use her humorous qualities to "land a guy that didn't have HIV and wouldn't be dead" before her. Family problems. Screaming. Fighting. Overreactions. People I expected to be there for me completely absent when I needed them. Then a few weeks ago, just as I think I finally turn it around, I lose the person I was closest to in this entire world: my father. My rock. Somehow, as quickly as he passed, my family begins attacking eachother, and I'm in the middle of it. Told they never want to see me again and to "go to hell" and "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" only days after my father had died. All this over nothing. It was a complete overreaction, followed by manipulation of others to believe I was this terrible person who told certain members of my family that they couldn't attend my father's funeral (which was not the case at all). Now, I've either been disowned or have disowned the majority of my family. I have only 10 months of guaranteed income. Beyond that, I am facing unemployment and insecurity.
No, I will not miss 2011 at all. But after all the hardship, I am still here. If I have gained anything, it is that I am stronger and more resilient than I ever could have imagined. I'm trying to turn a new chapter and put this unthinkably horrendous year behind me. I hope that 2012 is better for all of us. Happy New Years, everyone.
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But after all the hardship, I am still here. If I have gained anything, it is that I am stronger and more resilient than I ever could have imagined. I'm trying to turn a new chapter and put this unthinkably horrendous year behind me. I hope that 2012 is better for all of us. Happy New Years, everyone.
Precisely.
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Precisely.
Co-sign.
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Relationship problems. Disclosure. Being told during a breakup by my ex-girlfriend that she hoped she could use her humorous qualities to "land a guy that didn't have HIV and wouldn't be dead" before her. Family problems. Screaming. Fighting. Overreactions. People I expected to be there for me completely absent when I needed them. Then a few weeks ago, just as I think I finally turn it around, I lose the person I was closest to in this entire world: my father. My rock. Somehow, as quickly as he passed, my family begins attacking eachother, and I'm in the middle of it. Told they never want to see me again and to "go to hell" and "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" only days after my father had died. All this over nothing. It was a complete overreaction, followed by manipulation of others to believe I was this terrible person who told certain members of my family that they couldn't attend my father's funeral (which was not the case at all). Now, I've either been disowned or have disowned the majority of my family. I have only 10 months of guaranteed income. Beyond that, I am facing unemployment and insecurity.
Not only did HIV change so much about your present, and future plans, your pop died. So all this relationship drama is just too too much. Really, how can people, girlfriends, family, be so STUPID and CRUEL, when confronted with a death or a shocking illness!! You really did not need this as the icing on the cake.
If your dad was such a great guy, and raised you, a great guy, I am hoping that some in the family will eventually come around. Meanwhile, you are just going to get wiser and stronger and be a better person than all these people and their immature acting out. I hope you do find better people, we all need the best people, or at least kindness and simple human empathy. I'm visiting my ancient grandma these days and she has always always had this simple dignity towards others, even when other family members could be such jerks. I hope you discover the other pearls in your family, I'm sure there's another to be found.
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Wow..almost twin sons from different mothers here. 23 years living w/ AIDS and to what end, eh?
I too wish at times I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I self-committed this past Spring because I knew my thinking wasn't right. I would never commit suicide as I've seen first-hand the path of destruction it leaves behind. That being said, I had a t.i.a. two years ago. No debilitating side effects. But has left me pondering the "what-if's" and "what-now's"...
Like others before have written: put one foot in front of the other, seek professional help - that's what they're there for. So for now, I walk. Get fresh air. Go downtown to the library and read a book. I will be volunteering at a local film festival..all trying to keep connected and maybe make new friends and keep me out of "myself' if for just a night, day or a few hours. WE can be our own worst enemy.
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dpb :( Just read this entire post rather carefully. I am really sorry for all that you have gone through over the past year. It just sucks. Period. Dealing with a HIV diagnosis and ALL that it entails can be overbearing to one's soul. Yet alone, deal with a death of a close dad, family issues, job issues, etc. So sorry. In a lot of ways, as other's have also stated - I have seen you in me. You are not alone in that regard! You hadn't posted in awhile and I am now just reading this so just thought I'd check in and see if you are doing okay. I hope 2012 is treating you a bit better.
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hey dpb,
i was just recently diagnosed, and turned on to this site and found your posts about two weeks ago. i've read through almost everything and would like to talk to you if you're up for it. reading what you've written is like reading my own thoughts....
i'm not too familiar with this site yet and i'm pretty sure what i'm typing here is visible to the world, and i'd rather not broadcast everything just yet.
i don't know how to get in touch - maybe you could help me with that - if you're interested....
-- astoriaguy11
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Hi astoriaguy11 ... welcome to the forums . After you have posted 3 times you can send and receive personal messages , so after two more post you will be able to send dpd a message that is private . Hope this helps .
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Hey DPB,
I have read over your thread and feel for you. In fact I just lost my dad as well a little over a month ago.
I used to work for Disabled American Veterans, and let me advise you that if you contacted HIV in service as well as your ankylosis, and the other thing you said, all of these as you indicated are service connected, not only can you get compensation for them, but full treatment at the VA to include meds. If given enough of a percentage in disability they will also pay for schooling (tech or degree) which will mean no school debt and the ability to obtain employment in the civilian sector. Be sure to make copies of all your medical records before exiting the military. Let me if you'd like more info.
All the best, Heidi
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Everyone's life is the one they've created for themselves. We all feel guilty or cheated at times. In reading you story you seem to have a lot going for you. Not only things that will spiral you upwards in the civilian world but also as far as your health and HIV treatment.
Start making a list of your blessings (don't need to write them but do begin a resume' ,I bet it will impress you ) , by this I mean strengths , positive qualities and attributes. Then begin a plan . As difficult as it may seem make a plan or two,one for staying in the service and one for leaving. The act of making and the feeling of having ,a plan, in and of themselves will be a relief.
I've been on the skids many of times. One thing to remember is never be afraid to ask for help. Read the many posts in these forums as I have been doing. there is a lot and I mean pillars of support in just reading the posts and accounts of people's lives wwith HIV. You and I are lucky in that we've found a wonderful place. I've especially enjoyed Ann's Blog about life in general with HIV.
I am with you when it comes to guilty feelings and fear. Being much older , 54 , I know that I must have plans in place and begin to live a more regimened life. Keep all informed and keep seeking counseling.
ad astra per aspera
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I'm still here. I've just been busy and stepped away for a while.
hey dpb,
i was just recently diagnosed, and turned on to this site and found your posts about two weeks ago. i've read through almost everything and would like to talk to you if you're up for it. reading what you've written is like reading my own thoughts....
i'm not too familiar with this site yet and i'm pretty sure what i'm typing here is visible to the world, and i'd rather not broadcast everything just yet.
i don't know how to get in touch - maybe you could help me with that - if you're interested....
-- astoriaguy11
Astoria, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but rest assured that you have come to a great place for support and information. I'd be more than happy to be of any help. Feel free to message me anytime. With that said, I hope you're doing alright. Keep your head up, and remember to take care of yourself. As a wiser man once said: "This too shall pass."
Hey DPB,
I have read over your thread and feel for you. In fact I just lost my dad as well a little over a month ago.
I used to work for Disabled American Veterans, and let me advise you that if you contacted HIV in service as well as your ankylosis, and the other thing you said, all of these as you indicated are service connected, not only can you get compensation for them, but full treatment at the VA to include meds. If given enough of a percentage in disability they will also pay for schooling (tech or degree) which will mean no school debt and the ability to obtain employment in the civilian sector. Be sure to make copies of all your medical records before exiting the military. Let me if you'd like more info.
All the best, Heidi
My sincere condolences for the loss of your father, Heidi.
Thank you for the advice. I've already submitted my pre-discharge disability claims with the Department of Veteran's Affairs recently, as well as an application for the Vocational Rehabilitation & Employment program which you were referring to. I also applied for the Post 9/11 G.I. Bill, which is another great educational benefit at my disposal. And yes, I contracted HIV and developed some form of autoimmune disorder/spondyloarthropathy while on active-duty. I was also recently diagnosed with osteoperosis. Their are other conditions as well that will hopefully be service-connected. I have a copy of my medical records. I'm awaiting examinations from civilian doctors for the VA disability claims.
Everyone's life is the one they've created for themselves. We all feel guilty or cheated at times. In reading you story you seem to have a lot going for you. Not only things that will spiral you upwards in the civilian world but also as far as your health and HIV treatment.
Start making a list of your blessings (don't need to write them but do begin a resume' ,I bet it will impress you ) , by this I mean strengths , positive qualities and attributes. Then begin a plan . As difficult as it may seem make a plan or two,one for staying in the service and one for leaving. The act of making and the feeling of having ,a plan, in and of themselves will be a relief.
I've been on the skids many of times. One thing to remember is never be afraid to ask for help. Read the many posts in these forums as I have been doing. there is a lot and I mean pillars of support in just reading the posts and accounts of people's lives wwith HIV. You and I are lucky in that we've found a wonderful place. I've especially enjoyed Ann's Blog about life in general with HIV.
I am with you when it comes to guilty feelings and fear. Being much older , 54 , I know that I must have plans in place and begin to live a more regimened life. Keep all informed and keep seeking counseling.
ad astra per aspera
Thanks for reaching out.
I'm doing much better now than when I wrote much of that. I'm not currently seeing my psychiatrist, but I can always schedule an appointment at any time. I'm still a work in progress. After all, I was diagnosed with an "adjustment disorder with mixed emotional features" including depression and anxiety. But in retrospect, I know I've made significant strides. I tend to focus more now on what I can control and not what I can't.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
The Serenity prayer greatly influenced my father's life. He not only believed it, he lived it. Although I am not spiritual or religious by any means, that way of thinking is what has helped enable me to move forward. I try to look at my mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow. I'm grateful that I have been afforded that privilege. Although challenging and painful, the experiences I've had have made me a stronger, more resilient, compassionate, understanding, and wise individual.
"Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something." -Morihei Ueshiba
I still battle with guilt and regret from time-to-time, but ultimately, I find a way to get through it. One foot in front of the other. I remember him telling me once that the only constant is change. I understood it, but couldn't relate to it then. Change requires adjustment; adjustment requires acceptance. I realize now how simple yet profound and important that lesson was.
"Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing yourself is enlightenment." -Lao Tzu
Thank you all for your support.
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Hey dpb, it sounds like you're doing much better now. Great news!
I've also found the Serenity Prayer to be very helpful, even though I'm not a praying person. The wisdom to know the difference is key.
Onward and upward, dpb. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll keep making significant strides.
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Wow! You are stronger than you ever thought! Please be strong and push against this circumstance; I will do the same. We are both strong resilient men who are capable of leading our lives in the midst of much adversity.
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man, when you write, dpb, you fucking nail it. You've got an incredible talent for expressing raw feelings.
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Hey dpb, it sounds like you're doing much better now. Great news!
I've also found the Serenity Prayer to be very helpful, even though I'm not a praying person. The wisdom to know the difference is key.
Onward and upward, dpb. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll keep making significant strides.
Thank you for all of your help and support over the last year and a half, Ann. You've given me some great advice during many times of need.
Wow! You are stronger than you ever thought! Please be strong and push against this circumstance; I will do the same. We are both strong resilient men who are capable of leading our lives in the midst of much adversity.
Thanks 735, and here here! I hope you're doing well, and are continuing to persevere in the face of tribulation. We will not allow this disease, or any other hardship for that matter, to defeat us.
man, when you write, dpb, you fucking nail it. You've got an incredible talent for expressing raw feelings.
I really appreciate that, friend. Being able to help even one person relate to the same challenges they may have experienced or currently are, and articulate them in a manner that can help them overcome it - is one of the most gratifying feelings ever.
I'm indebted to everyone who has taken the time to offer their encouragement, sage advice, and unwavering support. Thank you all.
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Thank you for all of your help and support over the last year and a half, Ann. You've given me some great advice during many times of need.
You're welcome. It's nice to know I've been of some help.
How are you? I hope you're feeling better than you were a few weeks ago. I know that feeling of having to start over numerous times - I think I've finally got it right this time (about time too, I'm nearly 50).
Persevere. You can get it right too.
((((((dpb))))))
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One way out is for people suffering how to adjust to being HIV+ to work on seeing HIV as a virus. Just that. All the social meanings put on it, all the emotional meanings, all the moral ones - this makes life miserable but its ALL in people's heads. Including our own. So one way out is to empty one's own head. It might take time. But you'll have the bigger awareness of the world and a vastly reduced ability to feel shame - OTHER people are trapped in their little worlds and too bad for them, bird brains, if they have a problem with HIV and HIV+ people.