Author Topic: Single, 30 something... Atripled... (Read 7939 times)

ndrew · « **on:** March 17, 2007, 03:24:56 am »

I live in a small college town where the average age is 23 and I am having a midlife crisis. I am the last fucking on the planet who ISN'T married or partnered. But you can keep the children. I can't bury myself in debt because I have already done that.

When the truth is I am cold and distant. I don't like to get close to people. I don't trust. I feel like people want something from me. I push them farther away as I get older. I think I am failing. I work and go to the gym. I am sick of traveling.

I don't know how to be honest in a public forum.

I am supposed to be creative and it is making me feel less creative.

I don't know what to think of the future.

I don't know what to think.

I feel like I am just fumbling right now.
...
..
.

Bucko · « **Reply #1 on:** March 17, 2007, 03:35:16 am »

A mid-life crisis at 30? Darling! You're joking, right?

Wait until, piece by piece, all your warrantees start expiring in the same month: eyes, ears, hair, complexion

Seriously:
Life throws different challenges to total self actualization at you throughout your life (remember how much more you knew at 21?) and it doesn't get any simpler as you progress.

I personally found that the secret to breaking open the egg, so to speak, was by dating someone totally different from myself. In my case it was Latins, who are as extroverted as i was introverted (or at least very introspected). The New England WASP/Venezuelan Spitfire combo, while exhausting, was very illuminating.

In polarities one finds the Devil, not God, is in the details and one is infinitely better for the experience.

Brent
(Who hopes he helped, if just a little)

Modified to add:

Honesty is the catharsis in revealing your secret (you know, the big one).

The reward is discovering that you are not alone, but that your "honesty" allowed others to voice their admiration, respect and "special secret" to you as well.

ndrew · « **Reply #2 on:** March 17, 2007, 03:48:06 am »

Im not thirty, but not yet forty, I am having issues.

Edited to almost add my real age, but I couldn't.

Edited to say that if you add the 2 numbers together they equal 11.

Bucko · « **Reply #3 on:** March 17, 2007, 04:03:07 am »

Close...getting warmer...

What are you trying to say?

koi1 · « **Reply #4 on:** March 17, 2007, 09:53:03 am »

Oh you are 53? Just kiddiing. I am one year older than you and my midlife crisis was my diagnosis. So I guess I have not had a real one yet. But I have lots of credit cards with high limits that I don't use. Should I start using them? Maybe I could buy the cliche convertible. No, that would only get me skin cancer with my luck. How about dating men half my age? Been there done that, still doing that. Actually what has made me happier is having a good cry over improving numbers, that has really given me hope and put thing into perspective.

rob (who only has one type, cute)

rob

bravebuddharich · « **Reply #5 on:** March 17, 2007, 10:32:33 am »

I'm 42. I'd date you in a nansecond, Ndrew!! (: I want a partner, tired of being single, but I've run out of ideas of good ways to meet quality men that are within 10 years of my age.... I have regular buds for sex, but I really want to give 'em up and find a true love!!

racingmind · « **Reply #6 on:** March 17, 2007, 10:42:49 am »

Will someone please ask this man out on date?

(He's obviously smart & sensitive, and based upon his avatar, is not too hard on the eyes either!)

Blixer · « **Reply #7 on:** March 17, 2007, 11:05:23 am »

Drew,
Maybe it is your point of reference. If the average age is 23 and most of the people around you every day are in their 20s, then I can see how you could feel like you were having a midlife crises at "under 40". Yet, I read someplace that what causes a midlife crises is when we realize that we come to the point of realizing that all of the dreams and aspirations that we had will not be fully fulfilled. We must reorient a bit and change our focus. I think it can happen at any age and HIV can sure put a dent in any time of "future confidence."

As others have said, you are young, cute, intelligent and obviously have a lot to offer. I don't know what the solution is because I have also experienced the "becoming more distant" particularly since my diagnosis. I don't like the thought of living my life out single when everyone around me is partnered. Maybe it is a bit of impatience. Maybe we just haven't looked in the right places. Maybe we don't trust ourselves. Maybe we don't trust others (having a string of disappointing relationships has led to that with me). And maybe it is just flat that the over 30 (or over 40 as it is for me) gay community has no decent place/method for meeting quality guys. Every one of those in itself seems to be a giant obstacle.

So what is the solution?

Longislander · « **Reply #8 on:** March 17, 2007, 11:54:43 am »

Drew, alot of people can't understand why a good deal of us are still single.

I'm 43, and don't believe I've had a mid-life crisis yet. I'm single 3 1/2 years already. I'd date you in a minute~ (though I didn't know you've been lying to us about everything thus far...

)

Short of hanging out at happy tea time in a senior assisted living facility to make you feel younger, I've got no advice for you.

I've always thought you had a lot going for you, but I guess it's all in the eyes of the beholder. Just know you're not alone in your feelings.

BIGHUGS,
Paul

curmudgeonly · « **Reply #9 on:** March 17, 2007, 12:09:32 pm »

Quote from: ndrew on March 17, 2007, 03:24:56 am

I live in a small college town where the average age is 23 and I am having a midlife crisis. I am the last fucking on the planet who ISN'T married or partnered. But you can keep the children.

How small is the town? I lived in a small rural college town for about a year and hated it because the atmos was not gay-friendly or even tolerant. It may not be you but the limited number of potential partners in the area.

Quote

I can't bury myself in debt because I have already done that.

Been there, done that several times. Even filed Chapter 7 in 1993 a few years after the ex and I split up and the massive credit card debt accumulated together was impossible to pay off alone. No wonder he never got any credit cards.

Quote

When the truth is I am cold and distant. I don't like to get close to people. I don't trust. I feel like people want something from me. I push them farther away as I get older. I think I am failing.

Are you truly cold and distant and unable to trust others? If so I'd suggest a psychotherapist or other mental health counselor help you with these issues. Trust has always been hard for me and still is but I now know people sometimes like me without having ulterior motives. If you are emotionally unavailable I don't know any other way to work on those feelings without someone else who may help understand and, more importantly, help you change to some extent. A therapist may not be available or may not be a route you want to explore at this moment but having an impartial person to talk to, someone you trust, can be invaluable.

Your posts don't read as if you are cold or distant, in fact you seem to possess passion and compassion as well as intelligence. As previously mentioned you are certainly physically attractive, which never hurts. Are you really cold/distant or is that a facade to hide shyness or social anxiety or something else? Is it possibly a way to keep people from knowing you're gay? I ask these questions only as examples of possible reasons for your perceptions, not because I think they apply.

I wish you good luck. Identifying personal issues is the first step in working to change them.

bear60 · « **Reply #10 on:** March 17, 2007, 01:48:09 pm »

Drew
So how does it feel being 38? Whatever...am I right? Lets see, "midlife crisis".....is a lot of bull pucky. There are many many crises as I came to discover and you just have to put one foot in front of the other.
I have noticed: some men when they hit a crisis like to go out and start something with a twenty something...( this goes for str8 or gay). Good for the ego you know.
Some men go out and buy a new car ( preferably a convertible) or if you are really cool ...a Harley. And of course about 1200.00 dollars worth of leather to go with it.
Other men who dont have so many $$$ options...maybe buy new clothes or take a long wanted vacation or start a hobby they havent done before. Oh did I mention leather.

Well, here is one of my crisis stories: It was 1993. My partner Paul was in bad shape from AIDS. He was not able to really get out like he used to. I was in a support group and met this wonderful guy......who was drop dead georgeous in chaps. The perfect bubble butt and all. Well, we didnt start an affair....we went out and bought more leather...... full leather outfits. When we showed up at the leather bar...everyone thought we were new faces in town. Actually I had been going there for 10 years but never wore leather!!

We both got dates with whomever we wanted. It was so much fun. I owe my present partner to that time...because he saw me and decided I would be just right for him. After Paul died, we got together.

puertorico2006 · « **Reply #11 on:** March 17, 2007, 03:35:13 pm »

ndrew lets go out to dinner lol

ndrew · « **Reply #12 on:** March 18, 2007, 01:43:28 am »

Thanks everyone. Yes, I am that number that bear said and technically if this is midlife I will live to be 76, so I dunno... I just can't type the numbers right now, maybe that's my crisis.

It's pretty gay friendly here, but as I said before college town=20 something. And not that I have issues with age, just that can't imagine someone at that age wanting to get partnered (they are here to go to school, not live and work like me). The other issue is that I just don't hook up with students.

I dunno if I am cold and distant, maybe I was feeling that way.

Anyway, sometimes I chat with guys in the nearest big city and it makes me more frustrated and bummed I guess, but I am feeling better today. Spring break is ending and I have plenty of work to keep me busy until summer...

Is there an easy solution? No.

Drew

Sky · « **Reply #13 on:** March 18, 2007, 11:32:32 pm »

Come to Florida Drew, we'll find something fun to do!

Life · « **Reply #14 on:** March 18, 2007, 11:44:09 pm »

After you do Sky, swing out to the Rockies.... I've got some ideas...

Eric

Longislander · « **Reply #15 on:** March 18, 2007, 11:46:35 pm »

and after Colorado, there'll be that long flight out to Long Island~

Sky · « **Reply #16 on:** March 18, 2007, 11:47:17 pm »

You got it! I can't share my ideas in public, they're to....um, private lol

Bucko · « **Reply #17 on:** March 19, 2007, 12:42:04 am »

Quote from: Sky on March 18, 2007, 11:32:32 pm

Come to Florida Drew, we'll find something fun to do!

Come to SoFla, and not just for Sky and me

I spent twenty-odd years living in Boston, which sometimes feels like one big campus (Forty colleges/universities within city limits, not including Harvard, MIT, Tufts, etc etc). I think I was about 24 when I really started noticing it and I was 28 the first time I looked around and found that I was the oldest person in the room (excepting the staff). That hit me like a ton of bricks.

But from South Beach to Palm Beach, the age factor is recalibrated by a good twenty years, and 38 is chicken down here. Depending on the hour or the bar, I can find myself at or younger than average in age. And it's not all a choice between shuffleboard or meth-fueled bareback parties (although such things abound here), especially in Ft Lauderdale. We have the second-highest per capita percentage of gay & lesbian households in the country after San Francisco.

You at least owe yourself a vacation, babe.

Brent
(Who will bring the sunblock)

Optimistic · « **Reply #18 on:** March 19, 2007, 03:58:08 pm »

When you least expect it, you will meet your match..... Think about it this way, there are people out there who would be lucky to live to your age. In the meantime, enjoy being in your 30s/40s. Just relax and enjoy life, partnered or not....it will happen eventually.

P.S. guys in big cities may not be as great as you think....sometimes people living in big cities are more prone to wander. People living in small towns can be more relationship oriented.

J

Longislander · « **Reply #19 on:** March 19, 2007, 04:34:21 pm »

Quote

People living in small towns can be more relationship oriented.

So very true!

Drew, are you attending the AMG in Sept? If so, we'll meet then~

budndallastx · « **Reply #20 on:** March 19, 2007, 06:08:59 pm »

Quote

a midlife crises is when we realize that we come to the point of realizing that all of the dreams and aspirations that we had will not be fully fulfilled.

I freaked at 30, yes 30 years old. I wasn't going to have the house in the suburbs and the one I love to come home to. So over the course of the birthday weekend, I got a new apartment, new furniture, new clothes, new car and a hell of a lot of debt !! It was a total change of life and guess what nothing changed other than having to work harder to pay my bills.

I always keep people at a distance and have few select friends. I am not one to get out and run with a crowd because frankly I don't know them or want to know most of them for that matter. I prefer quality over quantity with it comes to friends. I have friends from various walks of life and from each of them I learn something about myself.

Drew, you're a good looking guy and have a lot of living to do. It'll work itself out but don't put yourself under pressure because you're not in a relationship. There are other things you'll be judged by that are more important. (Like clothes, the car you drive, just kidding !!) As long as you welcome each day and do something for yourself, you'll be okay. Self confidence is contagious and once people realize you're doing okay they'll gravitate to you.

Age is a state of mind and not a number. There are tons of 30 year olds who don't look nearly as good as you. You take care of yourself and it shows and people notice. Look at all the complements you get.

Sincerely,
Tom

thirtysomething · « **Reply #21 on:** March 19, 2007, 11:25:56 pm »

hey '30 something' is my ID and I'm single ! lol

egello · « **Reply #22 on:** March 20, 2007, 02:03:06 am »

can u move to a bigger town with more meat?

dtwpuck · « **Reply #23 on:** March 21, 2007, 12:45:04 am »

Quote from: ndrew on March 17, 2007, 03:24:56 am

I live in a small college town where the average age is 23 and I am having a midlife crisis. I am the last fucking on the planet who ISN'T married or partnered. But you can keep the children. I can't bury myself in debt because I have already done that.

When the truth is I am cold and distant. I don't like to get close to people. I don't trust. I feel like people want something from me. I push them farther away as I get older. I think I am failing. I work and go to the gym. I am sick of traveling.

I don't know how to be honest in a public forum.

I am supposed to be creative and it is making me feel less creative.

I don't know what to think of the future.

I don't know what to think.

I feel like I am just fumbling right now.

Drew... I am not sure how to relate to 20 somethings. I just broke up with a 29 year old, only reinforcing this. Then I have an astonishing conversation with a 25 year old guy who is way more emotionally aware than I was at that age. So much for preconceived notions.

You are fumbling right now. You are right. But you can't make it through life without tripping up once in a while. Maybe there's something to be learned here.

I guess what I am curious about is "what does Drew want?" Are you looking to get into a relationship? You might think that you are cold and distant.... maybe that's what you project. If you are.. you might try looking into yourself to find what it is you are holding back and why. It helps to know these things when you are LTRing. But, it only helps. A really ardent man will attempt to break down your barriers. And sometimes, you won't even have a choice.

If you are just looking to play.. I would ask the same question. "what does Drew want?"

Running off to the gay Shangri Las isn't necessarily the answer. But in the end, I think that what others are suggesting: "Cast your net wider" is good advice. Online isn't perfect, but it does expose you to a lot of people elsewhere. True companionship might require a sacrifice or two, but you never know what you're going to turn up. Keep you mind open, buddy.

And.. being 38 just isn't that bad. In fact... I personally find this approaching 40 thing to be quite OK.
scott

ndrew · « **Reply #24 on:** March 21, 2007, 01:18:59 am »

Drew is under the gun right now with work and travel but peeking in here he finds comfort in the kindness and thoughtfulness of all.

Thanks!

Florida69 · « **Reply #25 on:** March 21, 2007, 10:02:08 am »

Ok, being 38 can't be that bad. I am not there yet, but well on my way by the end of the year I will have caught up with you, single and I don't think I mind it so much. Maybe it si because I don't have to deal with others in my space. But you know you are never to odl to enjoy life... D

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Author Topic: Single, 30 something... Atripled... (Read 7939 times)