What's wrong with me?

[B99]

I should have had a doctors appointment with my HIV doctor two weeks ago, but I can't will myself to schedule the appointment.  The last time I went we did a resistence test and I was suppose to find out the results at my next appointment.  I feel in my gut that I have a very resistant strain of HIV.  No empirical proof, but just a gut feeling. (My gut feeling also red-lighted me that I probably had HIV, so it works pretty well).

I know it's dumb, but if I have a resistant strain, I really don't care to know until I have to start medications.  It will just pile anxiety on me leading up to the day when I have to swallow my first pill or take my first shot.  Even if those are possibilities.  What if my doctor tells me my virus is so resistant that there is no medication I can take?  Then I will just be healthy and waiting to die.  Maybe I should tell my doctor to hold off on the info until I get closer to needing meds?

Then there is the side of me that wants to know everything, but if she tells me that I am resistant to everything I think, for me, that would be a worst moment than when my primary physician told me that I was HIV positive.  Even when he told me, I believed that there were things that could be done, drugs that could be taken.  But what do you do when there are no drugs?  No treatments?  I've read stories of people who have tried everything and are out of choices.  To me, it would be very tragic to not even have the opportunity to try and fail; to start from a "no hope" platform.

I just don't feel a desire to go back and get bad news.  And I know my options are getting treatment or dying a terrible death.  I don't want the latter, but the doctor/tests just make me extremely anxious.

[ACinKC]

I can understand your worry.  But it is baseless.  And just think, if you go and she says you have NO resistance, what a LOAD will be lifted.  The coin has been flipped, are you going to take your hand away and see if its heads or tails?

Either way, we are here!

[Cliff]

I don't think it's possible to be resistant to ALL meds, especially considering some of them are relatively new and have not had a chance to develop mass resistance in the population.  You are more likely than not to be okay and have no resistance issues.  Your gut doesn't know jack (especially not about resistance reports).  That's just your fears talking.

Sticking your head in the sand, doesn't make you HIV negative.  It just makes your job more difficult.  Bite the bullet and get your results mister.

Have you set an appointment to speak with someone about your status or had a chance to locate a support group in your area?  These anxieties you are having are unlikely to resolve on their own.

[Christine]

Hi B99,
When I was first diagnosed, I went through horrible anxiety. I would not go to doctor appointments, I would cancel and reschedule. On days that I would decide to go to the appointments, i would have a huge melt down and end up hysterical and hiding in my bedroom closet. It was bad. Two things I wish I had done back then was talk to my doctor about the anxiety, I think medication would have helped me, and talk to a therapist, or support group about the anxiety.

My anxiety did get better with time, but I think i suffered far too long when it could have been helped sooner.

Do you have a firend or family member who can go with you to the appointment? You can tell the doctor when you first see him/her how you are feeling, and right now you are not strong enough to hear the "whole" picture, but you still want them to continue to treat you. It will allow you to work on your anxiety, but not at the sacrifice of your health. I have done that in the past. At the time I was just not strong enough to hear my numbers, it took everything I had to just get to the doctor. I would not recommend this forever, but for a few months until you can deal better with all of it.

I have been poz since '93, and do not remember ever hearing of someone who is completely resistant to all meds. In the past few years, there have been a few new drugs which are very successful at decreasing the virus, so the odds of resistance against those new drugs are very low.

Your anxiety is guiding you right now. Take a deep breath, go to the doctor, and tell them exactly how you are feeling. There is help for you.
Christine

[B99]

Nothing to fear, but...

So my doctor actually called me 15 minutes ago.  She wanted to invite me to a seminar that they are holding for newly diagnosed HIV patients here in the cities.  Thankfully, I will be out of town during one of the meetings, so that excludes me from the three sessions, so I didn't have to lie about not wanting to go. Not sure how I feel about being I.D.ed in a room full of HIV positive people, yet.  I know quite a few people up here.  I don't know if  I'm ready to be "outed", yet.

Anyway, while she was on the phone the subject of my absenteeism came up.  I asked her about my resistance test, she got it and said that there was only a "very, very slight" resistance to abacavir and that everything else was fine.  She also told me not to be worried about my drug options.  She transferred me to the desk and I scheduled my appointment for the day after Labor Day.

I feel better. Thanks to everyone for your words and advice.  I have not yet told ANYONE about my status and I know for a fact that talking to someone about my situation would probably ease my anxieties, but I can't bring myself to do it yet.  Not burying my head in the sand, just trying to get things oriented in my head.  And maybe I can't do it by myself, but, knowing myself, I'm going to try to figure something out,, by myself, as long as I can.

[Joe K]

Hello B99,

It's nice to see your tests were fine and I encourage you to take all the time you need to get comfortable with your status, but I would like to leave you with some food for thought.

I've been poz for 22 years and I suffer from depression, yet during all that time I have learned a few truths that you may want to consider.  The first is that feelings are just that: feelings.  They are neither right or wrong, they just are.  It's the behavior that comes from the feelings that can either support or destroy you.  Always allow yourself to feel, but never make decisions while in the grip of strong emotions.

The second is that you are never dumb or stupid, just because you experience fears and don't know how to deal with them.  What makes a person foolish is when they refuse to admit they need change, yet change comes from within and in your own good time.

The third is that you are never stronger than when you can admit that you need the help of others.  There is never any shame in admitting that something is greater than your ability to deal with it.  It never diminishes your character to accept the help of others.

The last is that those who seem to thrive with HIV are those who understand the reality that there are things you cannot control, bad things do happen to good people and life sucks at times, but all of that is true either with or without HIV.  Try to ignore what you can't control and working on those that you can control.

You control your life and so listen to your gut and take it slow right now.  You have a journey ahead and you may be very surprised at events during that journey.  Right now, you have all the time in the world, so just slow down a little and experience how wonderful life is.