POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Life on September 04, 2008, 02:25:26 pm
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I thought I would touch base with everyone. William is in trouble. I must admit that I am scared shitless about this. Doing my best to hold it together and be there for William as the doctors piece the problems together. William went into the hospital ER after living with this for two weeks with severe edema in his lower extremities to the point of hardly being able to walk. The ruthlessly bad doctor with the worst bedside manor ran many tests on him and found him to be anemic and having edema. I could have told the fucking doctor that. The scan revealed some scarring on his liver. His cyst in his chest diagnosed 3 years ago is unchanged and probably not the problem. Dr. Ben from Denver has been with us every step of the way and has him coming down to Denver for a liver biopsy at the end of the month as he leaves for Russia today and in the meantime he will be seeing a doctor in our valley who Ben recomended to try and diagnosis whats happening. Ben feels this is not related to hiv. His numbers 4 months ago were 450 and a vl of around 1,500... Will keeps assuring me he has been prone to all sorts of things thru his lifetime. But to have to sit around with my hands tied waiting on his visit next week is inescapably worrysome. His parents have both gone through their share of the C word...... i cant tell his parents much as they are in their 80+ and Will does not want to scare them. I have informed all my family who are trying to be as supportive as possible. Will is picking up some sort of stockings to put on his legs, yet they will not perscribe a diuretic at this point...... I wish I knew what else I could do to help him relieve the swelling in the meantime... He still goes to work and his staff all help him out. His staff know his status and have been a very strong source of support for him during this...
Say some prayers for him as they figure it out.. We need it..
Love,
Eric
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{{{{{Eric}}}}},
I am so sorry to hear about William's situation.
I 'll be thinking about both of you and hoping for the best possible outcome.
Don't think the big C for now, at least try not to.
Be strong and don't be a stranger, keep us posted.
Love you both, Alain :-*
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Eric will be thinking of you two. Hope they find out what is going on and it can be taken care of in a speedy time frame. Tell him to take it easy and keep the socks on and legs elevated.
Rodney
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Eric, I'm sending you and your partners good luck in the upcoming days/weeks.
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white light my Colorado friend... white light
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Eric,
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and William during this trying time.
:-*
Mark
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I appreciate all of you so very much... I married a very delicut human being with a heart of gold. William has always been the caregiver to all his friends and family and to me. He is always there for everyone in the time of need. Yet, when it comes to times when he is in trouble, he just wants to deal with it. He knows how I tend to go off the deep end (years past) when things were just beginning for us... So, I hide my fear from him and try and do the best I can. Staying in the "Light" Alex is what I am trying to do even though the dimmer switch seems to be broken..
I was wondering if there is any natural diuretics available that would not hurt him. I know he drinks alot of juices and unsure if this is hard on the liver... He does not have any forms of hep. I was not told what his liver function was or even if this is a cause other than just a finding. I wish I knew more but sometimes Will does not share with me everything he knows.. Trying to protect me which I cant stand sometimes...
Rod, I will tell him about the elevation and hopefully when the socks go on, his eyes don't pop out..
Eric
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Sweetie,
I am upset that Will and you have to go through this...
I wished I had a magic stick... or do I???
Anywya, I am keeping both of you in my prayers..
big hugs and love
Hermie
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Hi Eric,
I'm sorry to see that you're going through this. I had been thinking about you lately wondering where you've been and what you've been up to. Now I see things aren't so good right now.
All I can do is wish you and Will luck and speed with the diagnosis, and send lots of love your way.
Keep us posted.
Love,
Paul
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Paul, I know I have been quiet.. I have been dealing with alot of drama with my parents which has taken alot of effort over the past year... The kids have moved them closer to us finally and now this happens to William..... I am ready for some smoother waters.... I pray they come.. In spite of all this, I had a sit down with Dr. Ben last week, got my labs, my px for Chantix.. Have been returning to a more preferable weight and things on my end are very good... Its all the externals hitting me that kick my ass.. I do miss being able to post as much as I use to and I miss that connection. I hope when things settle down in my life that I can be more of a part of this community again. I am always reading!!
Hermie, I love you very very much...
Eric
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Eric,
I'm so sorry to hear about William's troubles. Hopefully Dr. Ben and his referral doc can help pinpoint the problem. It sounds like you are doing all the right things -- be sure to stay in the NOW and try not to project what might happen. Just keep doing what needs doing.
Most of all -- be sure to take care of you too! Posting here is a great idea, share your worries - don't keep them bottled up.
I'll say a prayer for you both.
Sending you a great big {{{HUG}}} Sweetie!
Love,
Mike
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Sorry to hear about the news Eric. Sending Will and you some good vibes..
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Oh Eric, I certainly hope they can remedy this situation with Will quickly. Be assured I will be thinking about you both and keeping you both in my thoughts. Please let us know how things are going.
{{{ERIC AND WILL}}}
Luv,
Betty
P.S. Please take care of yourself also.
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Eric,
I'm sorry that you and William are going through this.
Elevation is a good thing, but you state that he is still working. Does the swelling go down after elevating? Then swell again after getting up? Might need complete bed rest for awhile.
Those socks are hard to get on, but for some reason, they make the legs feel better once on. Were they ordered by Rx, measuring his legs? One size doesn't fit all in this case.
Hopefully it's nothing that can't be taken care of when properly diagnosed.
Best wishes,
ronnie
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Ohh boy :(
Well, we are just next to you and William. BIG HUG ERIC!!!!
Alex
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((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Eric and William,
I am in your corner! Send William my love and Eric, you are great and hope evrything works out! :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Hello Eric,
Thinking of you guys, and sending you and William lots of energy.
((((HUGS)))) --- Ray
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Hi Eric
I hope everything works out for you and Will. For Will I wish a speedy resolution to the problems he's having. I sure know how distressing it can be when one partner is not doing well.
Cranberry juice is what Kurt drinks..... he mixes some into almost everything he drinks. (Not into coffee !)
;D
Joel
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Sorry to hear William isn't doing so well. If he eats foods high in potassium, they will act as a natural diuretic. Potassium helps the body expel sodium. Things like avacado, banana have higher concentrations, but deep green leafies, lentils, and fresh fruits are good too.. Hope this sorts out, and isn't too serious.
Don't be such a stranger.
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Eric,
Sending lots of love and hugs and healing thoughts & energy to Will.....those support hose will definitely help, but they will make him crazy (at least for awhile). It's like trying to cram your foot into a garden hose.....
Let us know what y'all find out.
Love,
Alan
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Woke up this morning and found Williams legs less swollen because of his little ballerina tights outfit hes got on. Of course the fluid now is up in his upper body and he sorta looks like the pillsberry doe boy. Helped him put on his jogging pants because none of his pants fit him anymore. To have to watch him creep around the house like a 90 year old makes me very sad this is happening to him. But you know what... Everything that comes out of his mouth, is a positive one. He absolutely never goes down the dark road with me. I learn so much from him at every turn.. I am the devils advocate and always play out things in my head to every possible outcome.... William always says "Bad Eric, Bad Eric." Much like when our dog does something wrong "Bad Johnny, Bad Johnny". I tell you this having William in my life has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will not allow body chemistry (fucked up as they maybe right now) to get in between us..
All these recommendations (Ronnie, Lisa, Joel) that you all have given me will be discussed with William tonight when I get home. He is off for the weekend and I am sure he is planning bed rest and watching tennis on TV. Then come Wednesday, the Internest who has worked with Ben will hopefully begin repairs on my husband.
I miss you guys to, I really do. Thank you for being here for us. William thanks all of you as well and he knows what comfort it is to know we are not alone while we go through these things life hands us..
Love,
Eric
(who is staying as best he can in the NOW) thx Mike..
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Alan, seems like others have had to deal with these hoses to... I am glad we are not the only ones. It took two of his staff members at the college a half an hour to put them on him yesterday.. He said he wont forget that experience.... Ever.. Nor will the two girls who helped him I would imagine..
Hugs,
Eric
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Alan, seems like others have had to deal with these hoses to... I am glad we are not the only ones. It took two of his staff members at the college a half an hour to put them on him yesterday.. He said he wont forget that experience.... Ever.. Nor will the two girls who helped him I would imagine..
Hugs,
Eric
Eric, William..
That struggle to get those socks on is what stops some from using them. It also tempts one to leave them on, but, at bedtime, they must come off...don't sleep with them on. It's a circulation thing that is only in operation when up and moving as compared to sleeping.
My doctor doesn't believe in them, so I can't get a Rx. My sister has extreme edema as do I. She swears on pineapple as a diuretic.
all the best..
ronnie
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Eric, so sorry to hear of the difficult time you and William are having these days. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope things will improve soon.
Woods
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Prayers for strength for you and William, Eric. Sorry to hear about this challenge you’re going through.
Daniel
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William is wearing his compression pants and is iceing his legs and trying to keep them elevated as much as he can. I rubbed his legs last night but feel pretty helpless in all of this. To have to wait till Wednesday to see the Internest seems like an eternity from now. I am going to the grocery store today and pick up things high in potassium. I pray come Wednesday that they find without delay what is causing Will to be experiencing all this.
Dam it !
Eric
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Eric
You know, if Will is so uncomfortable that he (and you) cannot bear to have him at home in this condition, you need to call your doctor and tell him you are going to the emergency room. Then Will can be given the necessary attention, tests or whatever he needs to help him calm down.
I have been thru this on three or four occasions......and had to kind of say "Get your pants on, we are going to the emergency room."
Best of luck
Joel
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I'm going to second the trip to the ER....Wednesday is too long to wait...there are things that could be going on that are time sensisitve...
Not saying this is the cause, but in cases of like.. say.. blood clots....there is a medication that can dissolve the clot, but only within a certain period from the onset of symptoms....
wait too long, and it becomes established..and the dissolving option is gone....could break up and do lots of damage elsewhere....if that's what it is...
but only a sonagram can tell the story....
sorry that William is so miserable, and his pain is causing you pain...going to the ER is a hard option to choose, along with the fear of having a hospital stay....but...it beats the alternative...
Is there a fever in his legs? Is he in pain?
best wishes for a turnaround in his condition....
ronnie
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Ronnie and Joel....
On the initial ER visit they carried out sonagrams / CT scans / liver & kidney function. Given that both legs have swelled equally they have ruled out blood clots... Dr. Ben reviewed all these labs and findings and talked with some of his collegues in Denver about it. Given we are very much appossed to placing him in the hospital here, Ben felt that his Internest friend down valley who is now on vacation till Monday will be able to see him, maybe as earily as Monday but for sure on Wednesday... No fevor, just uncomfortable... Our hospital here will admit you here for a hangnail. They are more a trauma center and not good at diagnostics and we just dont like them at all (fill the beds). If William gets to the breaking point, trust me, I will be driving him to Denver in a heartbeat... And, I cant force him to do much... He is very strong minded..
Eric
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Dear Eric...Sending you and Will positive vibes from New York and hoping the news is all good next week.
Jody
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Eric,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and William. I can only imagine how frustrated you must be with the helpless feeling of wanting to do something but not having anything to do but wait. I know Dr. Ben is a fantastic Dr. and I'm sure his colleague is going to take good care of William. Lots of love to both of you.
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Eric, So sorry you and William are going through this. You both are in my thoughts and prayers.
Big Hugs to you both
Teresa
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You both are in my thoughts and wishing you both good strength.
The two of you are special, kind souls and lucky to have each other during this trying time.
Mike
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Eric,
I know this has been a rough year for you. I have you and William in my prayers. You know I love you both and will be thinking good thoughts! Stay strong!
Hugs to you both!
Roger
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Eric,
Know that I am sending lots of healing energy to Will and positive energy to you.
I will keep you both in my thoughts.
HUGS (For both of you!)
Mark
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Hi Eric~
I wanted to let you and William know that I am thinking of you both tonight, praying that you get some answers this week. I know how frustrating it is to feel helpless. Just know that your support is getting William through a difficult time, you're a good partner. :)
Hang in there,
~ Cindy
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Thank you very much for the well wishes.. It makes both of us feel better. My family have been reading this thread from different states and cannot believe the support you bring. Thank you again...
William is hanging in there like a trooper. His visit with the Internest will happen tomorrow Wednesday at 1600 hrs. We tried ever so hard to get him in on Monday, but the doctor was just getting back from vacation so he had a full case load. The PA says to go to the ER if he is in any distress or pain. I tried my best to offer these suggestions to William, but he turned those down flatly. He has not had the best times in the ER over the years. My mind still has been running the gamut on all of this. I do not think it is going to be an easy out and will require some hospital time to get his system back up and running. His urine output is low, which must mean his liver/kidneys are not doing their jobs right now. I really don't want to go down this road, but I have to... Tomorrow will give us a clearer picture what is in store for us..
Thanks again for everyone's concern.. I have to work on building the mental fortitude to deal with loved ones being sick. Hiv and getting older is certainly going to present alot of challenges to us as time goes along and I have to keep up the pace..
Eric
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Hello to you and William my dear friend. I am so sorry that you guys are going through any of this and my heart and prayers are always with you. I pray that tomorrow brings a good solution to this wall that you have ran into with William's health. I know it is frustrating, but you are doing what a good husband would do and that is to be there for William. Know we are all pulling for you both, and know I am always available to you, I wish I could offer more than mear hope and prayers, but love and appreciation for you guys is at the top of my list. I hope that the issue is rectified tomorrow and that you guys are able to get back on track with your lives. Know you and William are very well loved. D
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Eric/William
Hoping that today's visit went well.
Waiting to hear how it turned out.
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Well I took the day off from work and spent it with Will today. We talked alot today about so many things and alot about the future. I did get Will to pack a few things for the trip down valley to the new doctor. He was really hoping that a pill would be perscribed and he could go home and deal with the edema first and then deal with the cause after he gets to feeling a bit better. We made it down to the new doctors office just fine. I think Will was with him for about an hour and a half. I knew this was not going to be a simple fix, probably from the start. Will is the optimist, I am the other. Will introduced me to Dr O'Neil who actually has spent time with Dr. Ben in Denver when they were dealing with horrific results when there was no treatment for hiv/aids. So that made me feel at least he knew all the underlying cause and effect that hiv can play on the body. As well, is from what I saw was a genuine concern for William and understanding of our commitment to eachother. Will then told me they are gong to admit him now and begin working on the edema then find the cause of the enemia.
We do not have any answers at this time. I am thankful that he is in very loving hands. His nurse Ann was just so wonderful to both of us. He was admitted to the ICU ward because all the standard rooms were full. The patient room rivals that of some of the hotels that I work for. I have never seen hardwood floors, fine carpentered cabinetry. Huge picture windows overlooking the mountains for a patient room. And I have been in many. All of our friends recommended we go here, I am glad we did.... I drove back again and brought some pictures and some of our stuffed animals that we seem to have accumulated to place about his room. I do not like seeing tubes coming out of my husband. I don't like leaving him there while I tend to the empty house and dog duties.. I hope they find what is causing this and in the end, that it is not to serious....
I am going to take my Ambien now and go to sleep...
To everyone here, thanks for letting me share about this.. It puts some things into better light for me.
Love,
Eric
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Eric,
I'm glad Will is getting good care. My prayers are with him and with you, and hope they find the cause quickly. Get some rest.
Love,
Paul
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Eric I hope he will recover soon and well. I send my thoughts
of strength and courage to both of you.
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Hi Eric~
I am so glad that Will is getting some care. I know its merely a view from a hospital room, but those mountains sound very soothing. I agree, get some rest, you deserve to take care of yourself a little bit, too! Please continue to let us know how you guys are doing.
~Cindy
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Eric --
So happy to hear that Will is getting the care he needs. While I'm sure they can't give the loving attention that you do, at least you can rest a little easy now, knowing that someone is there around the clock for him.
In the meantime -- remember to take care of Eric!! Will needs you to be healthy and strong. So.... if you need it to sleep right now, keep doing the Ambien thing. When you find yourself at home missing the hell out of Will -- suck in all the unconditional love that our pets can give to us. And most importantly -- try very hard to not project what might happen next -- especially because I know your mind (which is much like mine, BTW) tends to go to darker places. Think good thoughts.
Keep us up to date, as time permits and if you find yourself heading down the darker thought path -- feel free to dump them on me in a PM, I'll happily file them away for you sweetie!!!
Sending good vibes, hugs and kisses :-*,
Love ya,
Mike
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Hi Eric
It's good that Will is being taken care of.
Quote you: "I don't like leaving him there while I tend to the empty house and dog duties.. I hope they find what is causing this and in the end, that it is not to serious.... "
Look at it this way: you are doing what you need to do to maintain your and Wills home life...and he is doing what he needs to do to get better: be in the hospital. Until some other scenario arises....this is as good as any.
Best to you both
Joel
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Gotta love it when health care professionals are nice like they should be ..
And tubes: Necessary but temporary sweety. He's in good hands
And you know what I'm going to say Stuffed animals rock ;D
(http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l153/aycm8620/PAWY.jpg)
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hey sweets, I just wanted to make a post to say how grateful I am that Will is in good hands, and that they are addressing his health issues, makes me feel much better. I know that it is diifficult seeing the one you love in this place, but you and I both know how strong you and Will are, and I have every confidence he will pull through. I shared this with someone else recently, and I hope it lifts you up, my mom used to have in hanging in her house..
Please don't Quit!!
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.
All my love to both you and William... Hang in there buddy, and I hope to hear more from you once William is up and around... HUGS.... D
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Everyone thanks so much for your positive notes to us...
William has some very close relatives who have come from California who he trusts and can ask questions of. They also have known him since he was little and can call him out on any bullshit or procrastination he might throw out. I feel much better having his family here to help me. I think Will is going to persue at this hospital complete care and not just treat the symptoms and then 3 weeks later continue diagnostics/treatment in Denver. He is happy with his care and trusts these 4 doctors who have been with him the past 48 hours. They continue to focus on his liver/kidey's. They found the blood flow to and from the liver to be just fine. His edema is way down (16 pounds), his color is much better. I will be spending the evening with his family and see what their thoughts are... I feel more at ease..
Eric
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Eric
I am glad to see William is doing better. I will keep you both in my thoughts.
Much love to both of you!
Fran
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Eric glad Will is getting some good news. Will wants to continue there? You best have a look around that hospital at those male nurses. You might see why he wants to stay. ;)
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Thanks for posting Eric. This is indeed good news.....that Will is doing better.
Joel
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Eric,
Thanks for the update. Let William know, that we're are thinking of him, and wishing him the best.
Ray
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Eric,
Nice to hear such good news -- and very happy to hear you have some more folks to help you and Will.
I will continue to send all the best thoughts out west to you -- along with some hugs!
Love ya,
Mike
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You know, life is such a fuck turd sometimes........
I have great news!! William is coming home today (Friday) and this was the recommendation from the doctors. His liver kidneys are working alot better and he is on diuretics for awhile to continue to keep the fluid loss going. As for diagnosis? Not really sure other than to say they would like to see him Wednesday next week.
When I got this news I was so happy. Then after I hung up with William my supervisor and 20 year friend of mine called me into her office and told me our boss and SFO just committed suicide at home by hanging himself in his garage. Two days before this a very close and beloved friend who helped me thru acceptance of HIV died of a massive heartattack in her bed while she was sleeping. They found her 3 days later after she did not show up for work. They were both 55 years old and left behind such beautiful families. I wish I had a better chance to say goodbye to both of them before they left..
I am so happy to have Will back home with me. And, I am devastated at the loss I feel for the families that have to go on without two very important people in their and my life...
"Life" sometimes it is hard to do it...
I am trying to sort out what this week meant to me... Its not one I will ever forget...
Love,
Eric
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j3sushchrist, eric.
I'm glad William is coming home. Hospitals are no place to get better. Double whammies are devastating. I hope William is well enough for the 3 of you to take a hike in the cool mountain air and take in the aspen changing to their golden hues.
robert
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Relieve somehow, home sweet home! :-*
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Oh jez.. so sorry to hear about your friends..
Glad William is feeling better though.
Sending you guys some good vibe..
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Life goes on. We have greif councelors in the hotel today for the loss of Steve. I think I will stop by and talk with them for awhile. Steve touched so many lives. He was telling me that he was bringing his brother home to live out his remaining days with the only family left (Steve's). Steve's brother is gay and Steve felt he was suffering from aids however he never shared with Steve about this. Steve was always looking to the future, plans to celebrate his 30 years with his wife and two loving daughters. From outside, it looked like he had it made. From the insides, there was something terribly wrong. I wish we could rewind the tape and dub out the bad parts..... The Ski Co is going to open up the Gondola on the mountain on Tuesday and all who knew Steve will celebrate his life...
William is home with his feet elevated, watching whatever tennis tourneyment is on and feeling better hour by hour. Time for the rollercoaster ride to stop for now... Definately time...
The mountains are beginning to go gold... I am thankful I am alive, living, and feeling all these emotions... I am feeling them all....
Love you guys so much!
Eric
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Glad to hear Will is home. Now get him to post a picture of you in the nurses outfit he makes you wear. ;)
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Eric/William
That was certainly an adventure, and one you won't forget any time soon.
I'm glad everything has worked out to the good.
Sorry for the loss of your friends....good friends are so hard to come by..
Wishing y'all the best.
ronnie
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Eric, sweetie!
Amazing how when it rains, it pours.......
While I know you are saddened by the loss of your friends -- I can only imagine your sense of relief as things with William seem to be slowly sorting themselves out. It's good to know that all the prayers and good thoughts sent your way have paid dividends for you two.
Be strong and keep on using us to help ease your mind.
Love ya,
Mike
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Eric,
I'm really sorry for the loss of your two friends, especially at a time when so much is going on in your own home.
I'm happy to hear that Will is home and feeling better each day. Take good care of BOTH of you.
Love,
Paul
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Hi Eric,
Just chiming in to let you know I've been thinking about you and William.
Paolo
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I wanted to check in and see how you guys were doing. I am so glad that William is home and comfortable! :) ...and then to read about losing two friends in one week. I am sorry about this, what did you call it? A fuckturd? That about sums it up right there. Just take a deep breath and smile to yourself that you have William home with you.
Hang in there, I know its been rough for you.
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I'm glad William is home and doing better. So sorry about your two friends. Hopefully you have turned a corner and things will get better.
Ford
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Eric,
I'm sorry for the delay in adding my concern and thoughts but I have been away for a while.
I am very glad to hear that William is at home and hope that you are taking care of yourself as well (as much as possible) right now.
My thoughts are with you guys.
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I go away for a few days....
Eric - I love you more then my luggage. Here is wishing a speedy recovery to William.
I am sorry to hear about your other loses. You are truly being tested and I hope you do talk to that counselor. Stress is a killer as we all know
with love
Pete
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Eric!
I'm glad to hear things are getting better! William could not have any better support then you. You are truly amazing. You support is paying off it looks like.
Keep up the great work. I know it is not easy. It must be really hard not knowing what's up without a diagnosis yet!
Give my love to William. I am here for you. Call me anytime if you feel like it!
xoxo
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I know this is more information than you need to know, but I woke up this morning to William "peeing" in the lu on his own without diuretics. It was a joyious moment! :) I know, its the little things that make me happy. Will has to go to get another set of labs and has another meeting with his doctor on Thursday. I hope they say this was a "fluke" that he needs to change his diet or something and nothing more serious than that. I have never been hit from every direction like this past 10 days has brought. I am still standing..
Today the hotel is closing up as well as the Ski Co. and we are all going up the Gondola (opened just for Steve) for the memorial service at 11,000 ft. It looks like the weather is going to cooperate. The aspen's are going gold. It should be very beutiful service.
Will asked me to tell you all how much he appreciates you helping his husband stay grounded.
Love,
Eric
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Eric I am glad to see William is doing much better. Keep us posted. My thoughts are with you both.
I am sorry to hear about your friend/coworker. I hope the weather holds out for you.
Love to you both!
Fran
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Will asked me to tell you all how much he appreciates you helping his husband stay grounded.
The pleasure is always ours my friend, I hope that William recovers and that your wishes come true for his speedy recovery. It sounds like you had a beautiful day, first with the golden shower (not you personally) and then the golden landscape. I am so glad to hear that William is starting to sound a little better. Miss you mean it.. D
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Sending love and hugs to both of you honey
Sorry about your friends; hope the Memorial service goes well. You're both in my thoughts and prayers...
hugs,
Alan
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Eric,
I love hearing nice progress reports. You and Will are two very lucky guys for having each other -- be sure to tell him so (I tell Sid how lucky HE is every day... ;D ).
Hope Will's news continues to get better and better.
Sending big hugs out West, sweetie!
Love ya,
Mike
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Eric-
So sorry to here this about William. Do keep us posted and I wish for the very best.
Rob
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Eric, it's a joy to read that William is peeing just where he is supposed. Long may he pee!!!!! Really.
This has been some rollercoaster ride for you. I pray for you and your friends to be comforted about the loss of your loving friends. This life is....not easy, as you have known for sometime.
That gold you have noticed outdoors is really just a reflection of the gold in yours and Willaim's hearts and his golden head.
Sending big fuzzy hugs and prayers for his complete recovery...so you can then plotz and take some breaths while mumbling, "Jeeezlouise, that was something!"
Big cheers,
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What a two week period this has been.... Here is the update..
William has been on diuretics for 10 days and has lost 59 pounds and is now down to 157. His normal weight would be around 175. William has been home dealing with all this and has been in constant contact with his 2 doctors which he has grown fondly of. Dr. Ben returns from Russia on Monday. They will then begin the biopsy process related to his liver, gallbladder and anything else they want to take from him. I have chosen to go back on the antidepressants I was on back when I was first diagnosed. Trying to stay as positive as I can for William. I keep my family and those close to William what is going on. I have only had Will in my life for 5 years. That's just not enough time. Going through two deaths and all of that has pushed me into some very dark places which I so desperately want out of... I hope I can handle whatever they find.. I pray, I try to be positive and I get yanked back into that blackness I so despise..
I will let you know how this all turns out..
Eric
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Eric,
I hope the antidepressant can keep you from going to that dark place while you go through this with Will, and that Dr Ben can get this all sorted out.
You guys are in my thoughs. Take care of Will and yourself.
Love,
Paul
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Eric, hang in there buddy. Stay as strong as you can.
I am pulling for you....Thoughts and prayers are with you two...
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Eric,
I'm wondering if you have any outlet via someone you can talk to face to face right now?
Taking care of a loved one while they are physically unwell is a very mentally exhausting experience, and the caretaker needs to have some period in the day and week that they can just let loose their own anxiety unfiltered.
You have us here, and you will always have us here, but I also think having someone you can just see in front of you may be of some assistance.
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Eric,
I am going to second Iggy's advice -- you need someone to talk about this face to face. You are far to sweet a man to be spending time in these dark places. In addition, remember to use all that you've learned in program sweetie. When life starts throwing challenges your way, it's even more critical to take things day by day.
In the meantime you have all of us here to help. Use us to help dump your dark thoughts out so that they don't swim around, silently in your head. You know you are loved by many!
Sending all the good thoughts I have out to you,
Love ya,
Mike
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Hi Eric,
I "third" the suggestion about getting some direct, professional support for yourself. The kind of tremendous challenges you have been and are continuing to deal with -- well, there's nothing like some direct contact and strong support for helping you to know that you are not alone and that yes, you and Will are going to get through this.
You've got lots of support here but as strong and good as that is, it's not the same as being in the room with someone who is listening and understands or with whom you can pick up the phone and say, "I need help."
Big hugs and well wishes,
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Eric, I'll have to fourth it. Don't try to handle it all on your own. You also need people to talk with face to face. Hold in there bud.
Rodney
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I cry every chance I get and I spill my guts to anyone who will listen. I have never been one to stuff it. I talked to the entire family yesterday on both sides. I know I am in depression, and I guess, that is good that at least I know where I am (and hate it). :( I have a very open relationship with everyone I work with and I dont know how many people of re-pointed me to the program Mike. I do not feel suicidal, just apprehensive of the future. I would gladly give up everything I have to insure William being with me for as long as I can have him. But I am selfish, I want him to be well. All I here in my voice is "I". I have to be a better husband and I need to be there for him better than I have.
On a good note.. William went down valley to get gas for his car (first time out of the house in 10 days) and bought a hotdog. He is putting as much protein as he can back into his system and is staying very well hydrated. He is peeing normally now and is slowly getting his strength. Quote "I am on the mend." I just got off the phone with him and he has taken a shower and is going to work and see all his very supportive friends there today. I am sure they will notice him coming to work 16 pounds lighter than normal. Today is a better day than the last. Stay focused here and now. So easy to say, so very hard to do. Not so sure I like being back on Anti's. I think once things subside (hopefully) that Ben's advise to see his next door neighbor shrink might be good for me. Thank you so much for thinking of us. I know when he goes for the rest of these tests and get results will be a very apprehensive time for us. It still helps me so much knowing you are here even tho I have not shared alot lately.
All my Love,
Eric
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Eric,
Keep on doing what you need to do -- everything else will happen as it will. Focus on what you CAN do, like love the hell out of Will and yourself and let go of the rest. I know, I know -- it's not easy to do -- but do it as best you can. You know I'm here for you. :-*
Love ya,
Mike
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Eric, I'm sorry for everything you're having to deal with but I know William is lucky to have you around!
Much love,
Creighton
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Sending you some good vibes..
hugs, Shaun
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Sending a prayer and good wishes...
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Buddy, it is not being selfish to love someone, in fact that is a selfless act. The only reason you are thinking me, me, me, is because you are trying to make yourself useful to William in this type of situation. It is obvious to me that you are not thinking about yourself. Stay strong, William knows that you are being strong for him. He knows you better than you even know yourself. I do hope you both know that you are always in my thoughts, and prayers. I also know that you and William have a great support network, including the good folks in this forum. Take things slow, the antidepressants are there for a reason, and I agree that it is a good idea to be seeing your/Dr.Ben's psychiatrist. Hang in there buddy. I have hope that the biopsy will show up normal and, listen to William if he is feeling better. Sixteen pounds is a lot, and if he is following doctors orders he will pick the weight back up. Focus on the good things are happening, William is using the bathroom normally, and he has an appetite, those are very important. Don't freak yourself out to much on the what ifs, until we have solid evidence of what the outcome is. Try and stay focused on William and his need to be with you, and that things are looking better then they were two weeks ago. Remember my motto, yesterday is history, tomorrow is just a dream, today is what counts. BIG {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to you and William my friend, hang in there. D
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Eric,
Wishing you both courage and strength in these difficult times.
William is so fortunate to have you as his partner, and I now how much he is making you happy.
You are doing right and somehow you are going to get through this one. You both are.
Thinking of you both always and sending you big hugs. Keep well no matter how hard it is.
Alain. :-*
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Today is the day (Thursday 10/9)... Me and Will have had some very quality time together to adjust to illness and uncertainty. I have been talking with alot of friends here about being in a relationship and it has been so enlightening. Me and Will have been together 5 years. We have dealt with some very complex issues related to our families and being supportive of them. It would seem that we have turned inward to help each other out since William went into the hospital. Trying not to add anymore outside termoil until we both get better. It has helped. One thing that struck me is this.... Back in the day when people committed to eachother thru marriage and then became "one", is such a crock of shit. 1+1 still equals 2 no matter how you figure it. I can share my life with William as he shares mine, but I cannot live Williams life vicariously through mine. All I can do is support him and see where this all leads. The dark roads I have been down of late have turned into deadends and I have exhausted all of my avenues of dispair. So, I just stop before I start and let the universe and God guide me. I am in a better state than I was a month ago.....
Today William meets with his 3 doctors including Ben to decide on the next action or inaction. William has been closely monitored with his blood work weekly. His normal weight has returned and his intake and digestive processes have returned to normal. His jaundice is better but still present which leads me to believe that his liver is better but not great. The fluids in his abdomen have dramatically receded and many he works with say he really looks so much better. People who don't get to see him much say they hardly recognize him....
I don't know what the doctors are going to say today. Biopsies or lets keep monitoring... I have been doing alot better about staying in the present day and not going to tomorrows. Its getting easier to say "I have him for today and that's all that counts".
Please say some prayers for William today, send him some little piece of energy you have been storing in your back pocket for a special occasion. I hope "Knowing" is better than "Not Knowing." Hopefully today we will have a better idea of the next course of action...
Love to everyone,
Eric
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So I say a prayer
Best wishes
- matt
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Eric, my dear friend. I say a prayer daily that Gods gives you light in this dark and difficult path. You are truly a beautiful soul, and William knows that. I am grateful that you have today, and pray for tomorrow. I know you have heard my saying, but I am going to say it again. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a dream, TODAY is what counts. HUGS TO YOU & WILLIAM. D
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Eric,
I definately will keep you and William in my prayers, and pray that God uses this difficult time in your lives to help others see that they can get through difficult times as well. I also pray that this will be a healing time for William, and pray that the will of the Lord through healing will enhance both you and William's spiritual life.
God Bless both of you and God speed.
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Blessings and Peace to both William and you Eric. If you're in Denver and there's ever ANY I can do for either of you, just ask.
Todd
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Dearest Eric,
You had always been a strong believer, let it be your rock now !!
You just created for yourself a blessing
Its getting easier to say "I have him for today and that's all that counts".
It really does not matter for how long, if you had know real true love even for a day, our existence has already taken on a new dimension, you had been blessed with five years.
How about taking this just another hurdle to jump over ??
And Dear if you have nothing else, Let go and let God.
Sending you lots of prayers.
Warm regards !!
Wd
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My dear Eric,
I am happy to read Will is gradually getting better..
What a relief.
You know I love you.
hermie
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Eric --
I will say a prayer for Will and another for you. These are trying times for you both, but it is amazing to hear how much you are each there for the other. That, my dear friend, is a far stronger indication of the love and "oneness" of you both than a marriage license would have convey.
I'm happy to hear that you getting better at letting go that over which you can't control.
You know I am here for you -- I am sending every good thought I have out to you and Will
Love ya,
Mike
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I am not sure how to process all of this, but I am. William got back from the doctor visit and told me "Eric I am happy, you should be happy to". I was a bit apprehensive to ask what that meant. Last night as we lay in bed, he told me what the doctors told him. They are really unsure what caused all of his systems to go out of balance, gallbladder, liver, pancreas. After 16,000 dollars worth of labs, tests and hospital stays they could not find any cancer, cysts, tumors and nothing to be alarmed about. They also said at this point they see no reason for biopsies as all of these systems are returning to normal operation. They do have one more test to run which is a genetic test regarding liver operation, but they feel it will come back negative (cross my fingers). Here we go again, no diagnosis but he is getting better.. I am glad he is hooked back up into the health care system. He has found two doctors that he trusts and all 3 of them are sharing information. He will go to Denver soon and discuss all this with Ben.
I feel relieved and perhaps we are out of the hot water for awhile. I have not talked about what this past six months has been for me. It was like a trip thru hell and I hated every second of it. I need to better understand this fear I have of loss because I know more is on the horizon. Its just life. Ben asked me to see his friend in the next building who is a psychologist who worked in San Francisco in the 80-90's and worked completely with gay couples going through alot more difficult circumstances than I. I will see him next week when I go to Denver for my checkup. I want to learn how to react better, accept better and understand why I think the way I do. I am also going to get back into my program again and see if that helps me.
Lastely the power of prayer and positive thoughts got us through this and I thank each and everyone for keeping us in your thoughts. It worked!! I am forever in all of your debt for simply taking the time to say "we are with you Eric".
All my heartfelt thanks,
Eric
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Eric
I'm glad things are going so well for Will. I know this is a big relief for you. Keep on doing what you do best....living.
Joel
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Eric,
Glad to hear the Will continues to get better. I hope you take Dr. Ben's advice and see his friend. Talking out loud about fears are a great way to make them slightly less scary.
Also -- please remember to give yourself some credit -- you've been there for Will and I am sure that this made his own fears easier to deal with. He is a lucky man!
Love ya,
Mike
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I'm so glad to hear Will is doing better.
Ford
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Eric,
I'm glad things are getting back in sync for Will.
Definitely take Ben's advise , it can't hurt~
Love,
Paul
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Eric,Im so glad to here that Will is stable and that you have such a fine doctor in Dr. Ben. Thinking of you. Phil
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Cool.
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Happy Dance indeed, I am so happy that things have calmed down. You have shown many of us that when there is a Will, there is always a way. I am happy he is better, and that things are relaxing in you life. hugs... D
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So glad things are improving and you both are seeking the help which you need!
Best to you both,
Woods
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I am glad to hear that he is doing better and i hope that remains till today ;) ;)
I am not sure how to process all of this, but I am. William got back from the doctor visit and told me "Eric I am happy, you should be happy to". I was a bit apprehensive to ask what that meant. Last night as we lay in bed, he told me what the doctors told him. They are really unsure what caused all of his systems to go out of balance, gallbladder, liver, pancreas. After 16,000 dollars worth of labs, tests and hospital stays they could not find any cancer, cysts, tumors and nothing to be alarmed about. They also said at this point they see no reason for biopsies as all of these systems are returning to normal operation. They do have one more test to run which is a genetic test regarding liver operation, but they feel it will come back negative (cross my fingers). Here we go again, no diagnosis but he is getting better.. I am glad he is hooked back up into the health care system. He has found two doctors that he trusts and all 3 of them are sharing information. He will go to Denver soon and discuss all this with Ben.
I feel relieved and perhaps we are out of the hot water for awhile. I have not talked about what this past six months has been for me. It was like a trip thru hell and I hated every second of it. I need to better understand this fear I have of loss because I know more is on the horizon. Its just life. Ben asked me to see his friend in the next building who is a psychologist who worked in San Francisco in the 80-90's and worked completely with gay couples going through alot more difficult circumstances than I. I will see him next week when I go to Denver for my checkup. I want to learn how to react better, accept better and understand why I think the way I do. I am also going to get back into my program again and see if that helps me.
Lastely the power of prayer and positive thoughts got us through this and I thank each and everyone for keeping us in your thoughts. It worked!! I am forever in all of your debt for simply taking the time to say "we are with you Eric".
All my heartfelt thanks,
Eric