CAN SOM0NE PLEASE HELP me...?

[deadfuture]

Im a 20 year old college student, ive been in the U.S since i was 4, coming here was not my choice, i was a baby and was completly unaware that my parents brought me here illigally until recently...america is all i know and i love this country. But recently ive been tryin to become a citizen or at least obtain my green card. And in order to qualify, all aliens must take a immigration physical which includes an HIV test...and if found to be positive, will be DEPORTED. Im so scared right now, fear of deportation has scared me too much to consider ever taking the physical. I dont want to leave and go back to a country i no longer know, America is all i know. im in school, all my friends are here, people ive known since 1st grade. i never thought i would be put in this position.

growing up i made some poor choices. But a choice i NEVER made was having unprotected sex. From a young age i was always aware of the consiquences of unprotected sex. I was the person warning my friends about HIV and other std's. at the age of 13 or 14 i started seeing a man who was 20. Till this day I dont know what attracted me to him. We had sex a few times, he ALWAYS supported condom usage and NEVER tried to persuade me from using one. And i respected him for that because even thow i was young i had enough knowledge than to do such a thing. However the last time we had intercorse, we had a condom on, I was on top, and as i got up to get off him, we both realised the condom had slipped off. I became HYSTERICAL! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!! WHAT DID I DO WRONG!! he had to help me remove the condom from my vagina. I was on top of him for close to 2 minutes.  I have no clue if it slipped off when i was getting up or if it was off longer than that.

He consoled me and calmed me down.He didn't ejaculate but i know that precum contains hiv strains. I know that im being punished from God for the choices i made. I never should have been havin sex at that age,Ive been to the doctor to get tested but chickened out every single time! I've cried myself to sleep countless nights and have not had sex with another man since him. Im so scared to infect others and if theres a slight chance that i might not be infected i want to keep it that way. I think God is giving me signs that i might have HIV. One night i woke up and my tv was on and a golden girls episode came on where blance was suspecting she contracted HIV. I saw that as a sign. Ive woken up in 4 night sweats in the past 6 years. My left lymph node gets swollen from time to time and one day my left limp node was swollen for 3 days straight!  Ive had ONE flu in my entire life and i cant remember if it was before or after him. But if it was after him im sure thats a sign. 

Im very paranoid. I sleep with the air and the fan on so i dont wake up sweating. at times i wake up and my neck is sweating, or my hands are numb and ive heard that is an hiv symptom. also i get frequent head aches. I have so much to loose. I just fear deportation.
why would the gov't kick me out of the country if im infected? Ive grown up here and if i do have it the person that i got it from is an american citizen. Does anyone out here know about hiv and immigration laws? are there anytype of loopholes  i can take so that if i am found to be positive i wont have to be deported? Even if i was to get married i would still have to leave because i heard there was a law prohibiting positive none citizens to live in the us, even if their married to CITIZENS. im so scared and feel trapped. Can anyone please give me some advice?

[RapidRod]

Lets first stop with the drama. God does not use an HIV scare for punishment. More than likely you lost the condom on withdraw. If you have that much anxiety, then test 13 post possible exposure.

[Ann]

future,

I want to reinforce what Rod said - hiv is not a punishment from god and that sort of mind-set is very offensive to those of us who are living with hiv.

I also agree with Rodney that it doesn't sound like you were ever unprotected. If you don't hold the condom onto the base of the penis when you withdraw, it's very common for the condom to end up in your vagina instead of remaining on the penis.

You really need to test for your peace of mind. You've been carrying this around for years - all the while you are most likely hiv negative. You can't go by symptoms, because symptoms or the lack of symptoms mean nothing when it comes to hiv infection. The ONLY way to know your hiv status is through testing - a test result is the only "sign" that is accurate. And by the way, a fan won't stop hiv nightsweats. Hiv nightsweats have nothing to do with air temperature.

You can find an anonymous testing center near you by going to the National HIV Testing Resources website. If you test anonymously, you won't have to worry about your immigration concerns. You need to get that negative result so you can put this behind you and get on with your life.

Ann

[deadfuture]

thank u for ur advice ann, and when i stated that i thought my possible hiv infection was a punishment from god i didnt mean to offend anyone and i sincerely apologise if i did. I see it as a punishment because i have so much to loose, because if im found to be positive, not only will i have hiv, but i will be DEPORTED into a country that i dont know anyone or know anything about, futhermore a country that has no funds and no tolerance for people that are hiv+.  And that is the only reason i see it as a punishment because my ENTIRE FUTURE is depending on my hiv staus.

[Andy Velez]

Everyone's entire future is affected by their HIV status. You may not see it that way but it's so.

From what you have described of that one incident I would still expect you very likely to test negative. Of course that guess is just that, a guess. To be absolutely certain you need to get tested. There are places where you can have that done anonymously. Call your local Board of Health and ask them about that.

Good luck with your test and keep us posted.