POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: ryeguy on February 17, 2007, 10:52:16 am
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Simple question: How do you know if you are being cheated on?? At this point I do not wish to elaborate on my open question. :-\
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if he wakes up very startled and/or disoriented it's because he's been sleeping in different beds and his mind temporarily goes haywire trying to process which bed he's in
"Where am I?!? Oh okay"
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myseterious phone calls
new friends that you have not met (or at funny around you)
gets upset if you look at his mobile or computer
takes calls in another room or quickly tells someone that he will call them back
going out more than usual
emotionally and sexually distant from you
But mostly just gut feelings.
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Lack of honest and open communication and irregular defensiveness.
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ok that's a start.......... maybe I am just paranoid........... :'(
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If he smells frsshly showered when he comes home--and you know he hasn't been to the gym. Then again he could be cheating at the gym.
The number one clue, though, in my experience, is if he suddenly suspects that YOU'RE cheating.
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Basquo, how true that statement is. Trying to blame someone of doing something that you yourself are doing. Not to say you are ryeguy.
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Basquo,.. you are right on on that one..... also on the paranoia about looking at the phone and computer.
Also, unexplainable mileage on the car.
People walking up in a bar and saying "hey, did you get my message on manhunt."
Lack of intimacy together...
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ROFL, you guys are sure a bunch of trusting soles. :D
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Crabs...
You come home from work and the flat is tidy...
There's a new bottle of after-shave in the cupboard but it's none of your brands...
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Well first let me say, I do hope that isn't happening to you, Ryeguy. It has happened to me and it hurts.
1. you find teeth marks in his underwear
2. he keeps buying new underwear
3. there is an angry wife pounding at your door at 3:30 in the morning
That's all I got.
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I need to chime in again and say Ryeguy, I in no way meant that my statement about suspecting cheating was aimed at you. I meant that if he said something to you about it. That's the way it was with my situation once. Just wanted to clarify that.
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My arthritic knee acts up when someone is cheating... hmmm... on second thought maybe that is when its gonna rain...
Drew
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my 'key' to knowing something is wrong is always when the sex goes bad...
well, not bad, just more 'different' or 'infrequent' or 'uninterested'.
It's never failed me in my analysis of a relationship.
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When he wants to try out a new position you know he doesn't have the imagination to dream up himself. ::)
Yep, happened to me.
Ann
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DanielMark......your reply to if he's cheating is great, and unfortunately so very very true. The signs are always there, you just have to be brave enough to look at them.
I love your eyes...sorry for the personal compliment that has nothing to do with the topic.
Gordonh28
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Liars and cheaters should be rounded up, soaked in honey and sent to live in a forest of hungry bears and killer bees. They are selfishness personified. I demand they leave the planet at once!
(http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k267/deemark/Retro%20Room/nomother.jpg)
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Liars and cheaters should be rounded up, soaked in honey and sent to live in a forest of hungry bears and killer bees. They are selfishness personified. I demand they leave the planet at once!
LOL it might "prune" these forums too
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He gets paranoid that your cheating on him
He goes to the bathroom to talk on the phone with the water running
He is quick to deny any and all accusations that hes cheating on you and acts upset that you ask
Goes on vacation with his best friend because he knows you cant because of school/work and when he comes back he has no photos or no videos of his vacation (and he always takes pictures)
Your gut tells you so :-D (although some people are just naturally paranoid and their gut tells them that in any relationship but in my case thats not the way it is hehe)
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TRUST YOUR GUT! It will NEVER steer you wrong. Don't ignore your own instinct that is telling you something is wrong....remember, first the voice whispers, when you don't listen to that, it will tap you on the shoulder, when that doesn't work, it will slap you upside your head.........don't wait until that happens
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Very, very true, SD.
But sometimes we're just not ready and willing to know. (sigh at remembering)
Even when the evidence includes everything but bloody footprints to the door or the equivalent of same.
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Basquo,.. you are right on on that one..... also on the paranoia about looking at the phone and computer.
Also, unexplainable mileage on the car.
People walking up in a bar and saying "hey, did you get my message on manhunt."
Lack of intimacy together...
OMG! That's for sure! You know if their loggin into gay.com to "talk" to friends that ain't true. I pick up the phone and call my friends so I don't buy that one.
A common thread in my life I've noticed with the cheaters are the ones who accuse you of cheating when you are not and obsess about it. My experience says this is transferrence of guilt ; ) Not to mention it's fucking anoying and the reason I dumped one guy.
The other one is the "business trips". Not, the usual stuff, but those sudden new career opportuniites that show up out of the blue. Especially when the traveling constitutes a hotel in your own city.
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I have one close friend who has had a long string of boyfriends that I can always tell are cheating on him and he can NEVER wake up and smell the coffee. It's like he has sign on his back that says "Kick Me!" and doesn't know it.
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I could always tell when they take way too many showers or when they are way too happy. lolz.
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Really? All my boyfriends showered a lot and seemed happy. You mean that they weren't doing this for me?
I guess Dingo was right... I *AM* dumb.
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OMG! That's for sure! You know if their loggin into gay.com to "talk" to friends that ain't true. I pick up the phone and call my friends so I don't buy that one.
A common thread in my life I've noticed with the cheaters are the ones who accuse you of cheating when you are not and obsess about it. My experience says this is transferrence of guilt ; ) Not to mention it's fucking anoying and the reason I dumped one guy.
The other one is the "business trips". Not, the usual stuff, but those sudden new career opportuniites that show up out of the blue. Especially when the traveling constitutes a hotel in your own city.
Or how about people you'd previously never met who somehow know where you live.
I always knew when the bed was made when I got home.
Oh, there's that and the fact that his tricks PM'ed me once in a while to tell me how hot my bf was. Love that.
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Odd that nobody here seems to admit to being a cheater themselves. It's like a group of gay Mother Teresa's.
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How do you know? Two words: pubic lice.
Ewwwwwwwwww!!
Boo
P.S. philly, I cheated on my bf but only after he cheated on me... Mother Teresa I ain't.
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I was so bad to a partner that the next morning I found a pistol in the dresser drawer.
Mind you, this was 20 years ago. It was kind of scary.
Did I mention it was a drunken foray with my best friend's boyfriend too? So I had two people about to kill me. It was just so fucking messy. Alas, I could blame alcohol... and frankly it was the other guy who came on to me and not vice versa. And it was just a blow job, and I received and did not give! I can totally claim the Clinton Defense on this one.
The whole thing still causes my stomach to get upset.
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dude.....if u think itz going on; itz going on!
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When your significant other or spouse comes home without his socks on and doesn't know why. Then later you find them stuffed under the seat of his car (dried and stiff) because he was too cheap to spring for a hotel and apparently didn't have any paper towels in his car.
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When your significant other or spouse comes home without his socks on and doesn't know why. Then later you find them stuffed under the seat of his car (dried and stiff) because he was too cheap to spring for a hotel and apparently didn't have any paper towels in his car.
LMAO!!! dried 'n' stiff!! :o :D :P :D
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I can only recall one boyfriend that I became utterly convinced he was cheating on me, and I called him out on it and he broke down and admitted it all. It was kind of long ago so I can't give any great advice... I just can spot a liar.
And you know, it's not the cheating itself that bothers me. It's the lies. I don't really care if they fuck up once or twice and come crawling back to me... and to be honest I generally even state this upfront with people I date when the monogamy subject comes up. I'm pretty realistic about this stuff.
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When your significant other or spouse comes home without his socks on and doesn't know why. Then later you find them stuffed under the seat of his car (dried and stiff) because he was too cheap to spring for a hotel and apparently didn't have any paper towels in his car.
LOL. Him not knowing why he doesn't have any socks on was enough for me. But to then find the pair later, in that state. Whoa!
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When your significant other or spouse comes home without his socks on and doesn't know why. Then later you find them stuffed under the seat of his car (dried and stiff) because he was too cheap to spring for a hotel and apparently didn't have any paper towels in his car.
I bet one of those lurkers from CBS uses this in a future episode of CSI:NY. I can even see more of the story line as the socks are brought into the lab for DNA testing. The DNA on the right sock is that of the CSI character's bf/spouse/whatever. The DNA on the left sock is someone else's and the clock starts ticking for them to match the DNA with the identity of the ejaculator.
Boo
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You catch them eating out at your favorite restaurant.
You walk in on them at your home.
When you answer the phone and the other party hangs up
You find a stash of cards and gifts
He suddenly takes an interest in activities he never has in the five years you have been together
He calls out someone elses name at the point of orgasm.
He gets STD and its not from you.
All happened to me.
Woods
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You catch them eating out at your favorite restaurant.
You walk in on them at your home.
When you answer the phone and the other party hangs up
You find a stash of cards and gifts
He suddenly takes an interest in activities he never has in the five years you have been together
He calls out someone elses name at the point of orgasm.
He gets STD and its not from you.
All happened to me.
Woods
Really? All of that? How absolutely mortifying. Please tell me this wasn't the same guy each time.
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I dont know, but man... I think I will stay tucked away in the mountains away from all this stuff.... Isolationist type thinking I know.. A committment means something to some....
This is like a gay nightmare.... ;)
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Well, I'm a old "unwilling monogamist" from way back... as in... I have cheated before.
But I'll use my powers for good instead of evil this time... here's what I did.
Went out "by myself."
Wanted to be "by myself."
New friends who never met the boyfriend.
I would make up really strange stories as to where I was... nothing fantastical... but weird... and yet believable.
Sudden outbursts of temper.
The sex with the boyfriend dropped off.
And look for new friends on the Myspace profile!
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ryeguy, play this one for him when he walks thru the door.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUWzISEzIm8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUWzISEzIm8)
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God, this all makes me paranoid and I'm single :-\
Drew
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Your gut tells you.
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Cum stains on his undies LOL!
Seriously though, you will know if he is cheating. You'll just know. But if you go all private detective on his ass, remember you may find things you wish you didn't.
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You find condoms in their purse and the two of you don't use condoms... and when you find them they just give you that stupid look like they've seen a ghost or something.
You can substitute purse with wallet I guess....
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And you know, it's not the cheating itself that bothers me. It's the lies.
I'm totally with you on this one.
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But if you go all private detective on his ass, remember you may find things you wish you didn't.
man i live for that kinda sh!t :D
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I have been the cheater before. I remember there were times I felt guilty and would do special things for the guy--take him out, buy him gifts for no apparent reason, that kind of thing. I also got really paranoid by the sneaking around and looking, back, I realize I was overly defensive--when he finally started getting suspicous and asking questions. There was the lying and that is one thing that makes me amazing I got away with it so long--I'm a terrible liar--over the phone it is possible, but you bring me face to face and my body language and face and tone gives it away. I remember once going to meet the guy and I think I actually told my boyfriend that I had to go do my taxes---and I was gone for several hours and it was later in the day and my taxes aren't THAT complicated. I'm not a good cheater, I guess. Maybe it was a subconcious thing that I wanted to get caught--that particular relationship had run its course, but I couldn't get up the courage to actually break up with him--let's just say when he found out, he was more than happy to do that for me!
But I would think your gut just tells you unless you are one of those overly paranoid types who read too much into everything. People always give themselves away and lies do catch up.
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I HAVE NOTICED IN ALL MY EXPERIENCE THAT ONE THING IS COMMOM WITH A PERSON WHO IS CHEATING.THEY HAVE A TENDENCY TO ACCUSE YOU OF CHEATING ,OF LOOKING AT OTHER GUYS ALL THE TIME.THEY FIGURE THAT IF THEY ARE CHEATING THAT YOU MUST BE AS WELL!!THERE ARE OTHER SIGNS TOO BUT I'M SURE YOU WILL SEE THESE ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS.
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Really? All of that? How absolutely mortifying. Please tell me this wasn't the same guy each time.
All the same guy. Can you say co-dependent or just plain fucking dumb!
Woods
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TRUST YOUR GUT! It will NEVER steer you wrong. Don't ignore your own instinct that is telling you something is wrong....remember, first the voice whispers, when you don't listen to that, it will tap you on the shoulder, when that doesn't work, it will slap you upside your head.........don't wait until that happens
HELL YES! She is back, however briefly!
SWEEEEEEEET!
Ok done being giddy.
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when you don't listen to that, it will tap you on the shoulder, when that doesn't work, it will slap you upside your head
(http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k267/deemark/Emoticons/ROFL.gif)
Love that! It's perfect!
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The little machine TELLS you so.... Thats how you know!
(http://www.polygraph-test.net/indexpic3.gif)
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"und wie geht es dem SexualLeben?"
"bei mir, geht es ganz gut, aber wie es allerdings bei meinem Mann geht, weiss ich nicht. Er erzahlt mir ja nie etwas...:
You have the above conversation, perhaps in your native tongue, with your doctor.
"And how is your sex life?"
"Mine is just fine, but how my husband's is, I don't know. He never tells me anything."
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Now, ryeguy, look what you've gone n done! Opened up a whole buncha ideas, haven't ya?
Got a clue now? ;)
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All the same guy. Can you say co-dependent or just plain fucking dumb!
Woods
I'd probably select "dumb" if you won't hold that against me. I'm sure you've become smarter now though.
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Odd that nobody here seems to admit to being a cheater themselves. It's like a group of gay Mother Teresa's.
I did.
I might be a horrible, horrible person... but at least I own it.
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Hmm,
I wasn't gona share this, but I found out my first boyfriend I was living with was cheating on me when I had to pick him up from jail for soliciting a male prostitute.
Turned out while I worked two jobs and went to school he had all sorts of extra curricular activities.
I was completely devastated from that event and I would never cheat on a partner.
Wesley
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she's talking to a guy at the curb when you come to pick her up. She says he was just selling something and he stopped because she was waiting at the end of her driveway.
Then you go to surprise her and her GF at the club they were going to a week or so later, and you find your GF in that very same guys car in the parking lot!! lol
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1)You are in his apartment because you live in CT and he lives in NYC and you notice on his calendar that he has dates marked for weeknights when you are not around. 2) You find, while you are cleaning his apartment, the personal letters sent in reply to his personal ad. in the New York NATIVE which are marked when he met them (of course during your relationship with him). 3) You decide to stay over in his NYC apartment because it's really late for a train back to CT and, late into the night, he returns with a microwave and someone to help him with that and other things. 4) You get to meet all his ex's at a dinner party for which you have done the cooking and compare notes. Win
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I did.
I might be a horrible, horrible person... but at least I own it.
Ditto for me! Total whore bag during the first marriage! Reformed since then! I am who I am. And most of it was fun, not morally correct but then again, what is anymore?!?!?
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Hmm,
I wasn't gona share this, but I found out my first boyfriend I was living with was cheating on me when I had to pick him up from jail for soliciting a male prostitute.
Well, you could have just left him there.
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Ditto for me! Total whore bag during the first marriage! Reformed since then! I am who I am. And most of it was fun, not morally correct but then again, what is anymore?!?!?
I cheat on your wife every time you take a 12-inch cock up your ass, even if she's approved! :)
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And most of it was fun, not morally correct but then again, what is anymore?!?!?
You know... I've been racking my brains trying to think of something... and I can't.
Fun and yet moral? Icky.
Sounds like a church picnic.
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I have certainly been the cheater more times than the reverse. Not proud of it, but I've always been honest about it. However, in a very big irony, and a deserved one I might add, I was cheated on when I was being monogamous ... and it hurt a lot. So, live and learn and forgive because I simply am no better than what I was being hurt by. Just because it wasn't with the same person...
This is basically why I know how to tell if someone is cheating.
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Oh... cuter pic puck... love the tats. And all this time you were hiding yourself.
Anway, at least you are honest. I'd have no problem with it as long as you still ended up in my bed every night. But yeah, that double standard you described was tired... and kind of selfish. I hope you don't take that offensively.
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thanks everyone.
He was not cheating..... I was a bit stupid and he found this thread.... needless to say we talked about the whole theme.
There were tears.... we understand each other better now and I cannot talk about this in any further detail as that would be a form of cheating on him.
Thankyou all.
P.S, I never thought I would get so many responses on this.
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Oh... cuter pic puck... love the tats. And all this time you were hiding yourself.
Anway, at least you are honest. I'd have no problem with it as long as you still ended up in my bed every night. But yeah, that double standard you described was tired... and kind of selfish. I hope you don't take that offensively.
No offense taken Philly... I was just answering the question as asked with no real intention to hide the truth. I make absolutely no claims that I am any good at relationships with the exception that I make a terrible liar especially as I get older and more aware of others' feelings.
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thanks everyone.
He was not cheating..... I was a bit stupid and he found this thread.... needless to say we talked about the whole theme.
There were tears.... we understand each other better now and I cannot talk about this in any further detail as that would be a form of cheating on him.
Thankyou all.
P.S, I never thought I would get so many responses on this.
Wonderful news!
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My ex said he could always tell when I was lying too... I felt so naked.
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I figured out that the truth is much easier. And I figured out that my own medicine is pretty damn bitter. I don't want to cause anyone else to feel the despair and helplessness I felt because of a lie.
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Well, you could have just left him there.
LOL, Philly! Boy after I was through with him he might have wished he'd waited it out in jail ; ) Had I known that ahead of time I wouldn't have picked his sorry ass up!
What's worse is when your "friends" confide they also were sleeping with him or knew of his stuff after the fact.
That was my first love. Clearly, I have bad taste in deceptive men since I ended up here.
But I'm not bitter, just wiser! ; )
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LOL, Philly! Boy after I was through with him he might have wished he'd waited it out in jail ; )
Whadd'ya do to him? Beat him up? Oh wait, we have to think twice about what we post here
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Let's just say his little unfortunate incarceration didn't end up being our little secret!
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Let's just say his little unfortunate incarceration didn't end up being our little secret!
I would've posted a Myspace bulletin about it.
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Cum stains on his undies LOL!
Seriously though, you will know if he is cheating. You'll just know. But if you go all private detective on his ass, remember you may find things you wish you didn't.
I was gonna suggest Cheaters but doesn't know where ryeguy is from.
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I would've posted a Myspace bulletin about it.
LOL, he's lucky Myspace wasn't around 15 years ago. Hell I would have scanned in the police report, mug shots and hosted another party dedicated to him online.
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They come home with cum on their breath and wearing someone elses clothes?
Alternately, there is cum oozing out their arse and there are whip marks on their person.
Jeff...who has been cheated on but it was not that big a deal in the big picture.
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Rye,
I am glad that because of this thread, you got to the truth. I hope that things keep getting better for you in your relationship.
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I am glad that because of this thread, you got to the truth.
Hear hear!
We did something right for a change! Indirectly... but I think we can all proudly claim credit. ;D
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thankyou all once again:-) ;D :D ;) :-*
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Yay! So glad your doubts were for naught, Ryeguy!
Daniel
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I dont know, but man... I think I will stay tucked away in the mountains away from all this stuff.... Isolationist type thinking I know.. A committment means something to some....
This is like a gay nightmare.... ;)
E I love you..... Give William smooches from me. D
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I cheat on your wife every time you take a 12-inch cock up your ass, even if she's approved! :)
HUH? You cheat on her?
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I meant "you" -- sorry, it's my antihistamines causing dyslexia.
Or the onset of dementia -- you choose.
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Then I disagree! Cheating is about lying and mistrust. An open lifestyle (and keep in mind we arent as open as others) is just that, a lifestyle choice we make together. And I would discontinue it in a heart beat if I thought it would come between us.
So, how do you like them apples!
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He starts projecting by accusing you of cheating.
He starts leaving his phone in the car (when he used to always have it on him).
He calls another name out in during sex.
His sex drive makes a sudden spike or nosedive (had both happen).
Stops answering when you call (when he used to always pick up).
He starts going on lots of trips with "friends," but you're not invited.
Of course, when your gut/intuition starts sending up red flags.
He doesn't touch you the same way anymore.
Little things start cropping up that don't add up.
He suddenly starts acting like your a burden when you try to talk to him (his tone of voice, body language, etc).
Jumpy or defensive when you call in the middle of the day.