POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Joe K on March 12, 2010, 12:20:13 pm
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Hey All,
Given that we generally deal with emotional issues surrounding HIV, I thought it time to lighten the mood. As tough as living with HIV has been, I’ve had a few really good laughs, over situations I have found myself in, courtesy of HIV. So in the hopes of giving you a good laugh, I offer the following:
It was the mid-90s and I had just started taking liquid Norvir (insert instant visceral disgust here) and it was wreaking havoc with my system. I was still working and had decided on doing some grocery shopping, on my lunch hour. So there I am shopping, but as I approach the produce aisle, I start to get “that” feeling. You know the one, where the lower half of your body is warning you, that something wicked is about to happen and you have exactly 30 seconds, to reach a toilet before…
Just my luck, I’m in a totally unfamiliar store and I don’t have clue where the bathrooms are, let alone my ability to get there before… Now, I’m starting to sweat, verging on panic, when I spot these huge purple rubber bands binding the asparagus. I don’t quite remember doing it, but I took one and placed it around each ankle, sealing my pants to my legs. No sooner had I got the second band in place… when… it happened, with diarrhea exploding into my pants.
The word gross does not even begin to describe how I felt, but my problem now, was: How do I get out of the store? Standing there I realized there was little I could do and so I quickly exited the store and headed for my car, where I kept my supply of diaper wipes and “emergency clothing”.
I just wish I had not decided to wear those off white pants that day.
OK, your turn.
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I don't know if many of you remember, but during that first year after my diagnosis I took on a shipping job for a company that made the machines that sewed together mattresses. Both my immediate supervisor (Greg) and the floor supervisor knew my status. One afternoon I was preparing a large shipment and ran a nail through the skin between my thumb and index finger with a nail gun. There was blood shooting everywhere! Greg was running and ducking for cover and I was just laughing my ass off the whole time... He later told me he wasn't worried it was just the sight of blood turns his stomach. Yeah OK!
There was another time my hated sister called me, the one who if you all remember turned her back on me after I was diagnosed. She says to me, "Oh I see your newly married and have a new baby, how did you manage that with the HIV?" I told her my wife didn't know I was positive and I was planning on telling her on our 5th wedding anniversary. Left her speechless...
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I had lunch yesterday with an aunt and uncle and had the chips and salsa all to myself even though I would never double dip . I rarely see this aunt and had a good laugh with others in the family when they called to see how lunch came off .
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killfoile, ;D recall a very similar situation, but I was lucky and wasn't at work, It was back in the early 90's when i 1st started Meds, I was in my Truck, stuck at a rail-road crossing, and while this long-ass train
was coming, all of a sudden it just stopped at a the crossing and didn't move, after about 5 minutes , I had the feeling to go, and at the same time, had to puke ( I was taking AZT) so I got out of my Truck, left the door open with the keys in it, and went into some near-by bushes, and let it all go, after that, everyone was blowing there car- hornes at me to move, as the train had passed, so in MUCH embarrassment, I got into my Truck and drove off laughing at what I had done, I was lucky I had on underwear, as there was NOTHING to wipe with, even to this day, I think that is the funniest thing that ever happened to me while being on Meds, and having that feeling to go ;D
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I had so many incidents of soiling my pants its not even funny.
I remember back around 1994 or so I was applying for a clinical trial at Duke University Hospital. I was uninsured back then and went from trial to trial just to get on some kind of medication. Anyway, I was at Duke and spoke with a doctor who took blood and asked me a bunch of questions. He left and a young guy, obviously gay, came in with a clip board and said he had to ask me a few more questions. After checking off a few questions he asked me about my living situation and I said I lived with my partner. He said he thought I wrote down I was single and I said I'm single, as in not married. He gave me an annoyed look, dropped the clipboard on the desk, said "interview over", and walked out of the room. There was nothing on the clipboard. I'm not even sure he was part of the staff! :D
I didn't make it into the study because my CD4 was too low. I was really bummed because the study was going to give me free meds for a year.
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I had so many incidents of soiling my pants its not even funny.
I remember back around 1994 or so I was applying for a clinical trial at Duke University Hospital. I was uninsured back then and went from trial to trial just to get on some kind of medication. Anyway, I was at Duke and spoke with a doctor who took blood and asked me a bunch of questions. He left and a young guy, obviously gay, came in with a clip board and said he had to ask me a few more questions. After checking off a few questions he asked me about my living situation and I said I lived with my partner. He said he thought I wrote down I was single and I said I'm single, as in not married. He gave me an annoyed look, dropped the clipboard on the desk, said "interview over", and walked out of the room. There was nothing on the clipboard. I'm not even sure he was part of the staff! :D
I didn't make it into the study because my CD4 was too low. I was really bummed because the study was going to give me free meds for a year.
I'm curious? what does the fact that you lived with a partner have to do with a Drug Study?
maybe that person with the clipboard was confused are something ::) just sayin.......
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Shortly after being diagnosed I was having regular bouts with sudden onset diarrhea (SOD ;D) My partner and I went to Twist - a bar/club on South Beach for happy hour. We were playing a video game and he went to the restroom. I was watching his drink and continuing to play the game --suddenly i felt it coming on -- i began moving around, dancing around trying to calm it down and keep it in.... I was cramping up and knew that the inevitable was about to occur. I ran to the restroom - my partner was in there talking to the old Haitian lady who was the restroom attendant. As soon as I opened the stall door and saw the toilet - before I could get my pants down - the deed occurred. My partner - sensing what was wrong came into the stall with me and proceeded to help me clean myself up -- luckily it was mainly on my underwear - the bathroom attendant obviously figured out what had happened and was steady handing paper towels over the wall of the stall to my partner --- The smell was nothing to be played with and suddenly my partner and I realized that the attendant was spraying air freshener -- and spraying air freshener -- and continuing to spray air freshener --- and then handing the air freshener over the stall wall.... we both were laughing hysterically by now. So, I got cleaned up and left minus the underwear --- not the first time I have left a club without my underwear - but the first time for that particular reason ;)
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I'm curious? what does the fact that you lived with a partner have to do with a Drug Study?
maybe that person with the clipboard was confused are something ::) just sayin.......
I don't think he was even on staff. I suspect he was another HIV+ lab rat or a student looking for a date.
(This is yet another example of why it is my partner's job to tell the humorous anecdotes)
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I don't think he was even on staff. I suspect he was another HIV+ lab rat or a student looking for a date.
(This is yet another example of why it is my partner's job to tell the humorous anecdotes)
AHH! so he was looking for a date, and you killed-the moment when you said you have a partner.......ok, now I understand, your still a heart-breaker FORD :-*
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I spot these huge purple rubber bands binding the asparagus. I don’t quite remember doing it, but I took one and placed it around each ankle, sealing my pants to my legs.
OMG! Mac Gyver!!!
Thanks for the laugh!
-Will
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Looking back on when I was infected, I remember having an embarrassing bowel moment. I drove my uncle downtown for a job interview. I was waiting in the car. It came on all at once and I couldn't stop it. I messed myself. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't drive all the way home and leave him there as he was due out. I drove to this park, removed my underwear and shorts and threw them in the dumpster. Luckily, I had towels in the car. I cleaned up the best I could and put a clean towel around me.
I remember the look on my uncle's face as he got in the car. I thought at the time I must have eaten something bad--and maybe I did and it wasn't HIV. I didn't know I was poz at the time, so I assumed it was something I ate. Looking back, I think it was probably part of ARS given when it happened. I remember getting home and getting into the shower. I was cleaning back there and felt something flesh-like. I thought, "What the hell is that?" It was an undigested mushroom. I know it is hard to gross you guys out. I remember having a lot of bowel issues back then, but I didn't realize what was probably causing it.
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Yay! The promising beginnings of satisfyingly shitty thread. I love these stories ;D
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OK, I'll share. ;)
Back when I was taking Saquinavir and AZT, I had many occasions when I had an OOPS!
But I remember one time when I was still working as a reporter. I was covering a trial of some kind, I don't remember with what the person was charged.
But I remember that the Saquinavir used to cause explosive diarrhea, the kind where, if you dropped your pants, bent over and aimed carefully, you could take out a target at 50 feet.
On top of that, the AZT used to give me the gurgles. You, know the tummy rumbles.
Well, I was sitting in this rather small court room listening to the witnesses on the stand, etc., when the gurgles began, They were so loud, the people in the jury could hear them. So could the judge.
Finally, he halted the trial between witnesses and asked me if I was having a problem. The members of the jury cracked up laughing. I said I needed to be excused for a few minutes, but as I stood to leave the court room, phase two of this scenario kicked in.
I exited as quickly as I could and headed for the bathroom, doing what could only be described as a Charlie Chaplin walk as I clenched my butt cheeks trying to prevent a real mess.
I did make the bathroom, but my obvious plight was observed by all in the court house. When I came out of the bathroom, there stood three very burly, and one very cute, sheriff's deputies asking if I needed help - as they laughed their asses off.
I remember having to go home after this, because what I thought was a one shot deal turned out to be a full afternoon's delight.
Ah, Saquinavir.
HUGS,
Mark
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LOL, Mark! :D
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I think I have told this story before but what the heck here's my poop story .
I lost control on a crowded expres elevator that didn't stop until the 20th something floor .
I proceeded to crap around the 3rd floor and didn't stop till I got off on 48 all alone and devastated with embarrassment .
It wasn't a quite event either , it was a butt flapping cracking gurgling punctuated with feeble excuse me's on my part and oh my god's by others desperately pushing elevator buttons kind of stinky ride to the very end . I learned that day that Norvir , draft beer and cocaine are an excellent laxative .
I still dont think its funny either but it fits in this thread .
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when i first started reading this thread i was mortified but as i got to the end i was laughing my ass off...
mark -- that's too funny...
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I got shit stories, but they involve both me and my wife. I don't kiss and tell..
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Before I got my hiv-related dire-rear under control, I used to get the gut-gurgles too. Very loudly. If my dog was in the room, she'd come over and start growling back at my belly.
One time one of my cats was napping on my belly as I lie on the couch watching telly. My belly suddenly started doing its thing and the cat instantly awoke and shot off me like he'd been shot with a water pistol. He sat on the coffee table and glared at me for the next half-hour.
Oh, and one time I had the five-second warning and went racing down the hall. The dog got excited and got under my feet. Not only did I have the indignity of sliding face-first down the hall and getting rug burns on my hands, but I had to go change my knickers and sweats too. ::) Darn dog!
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... doing what could only be described as a Charlie Chaplin walk as I clenched my butt cheeks trying to prevent a real mess.
Mark
Charlie Chaplin walk! LOL! We call that walk the "Green Apple Quick Steps" down here (cause if you eat too many green apples you get the hershey squirts)
;D
-Will
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LMFAO...
Thank you guys for making my day with all those funny stories. When it happens to me I will at least know I am not alone!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D
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I just wanted to say a HUGE THANK YOU for everyone sharing their funny stories. I have been very down and out. Lost my job last month, facing eviction, and just tired of living day to day. As I began reading your stories it made me laugh and forget my problems. I have realized no matter how shitty things are at the moment, I can live to see another day. Thank you.
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no matter how shitty things are at the moment, I can live to see another day.
Sometimes all too literally.
Wishing ya well... and welcome to the forums.
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My story is of uncontrolable farts with the smell of a shit hole. Once, while walking to catch a train I'd poops and was passing a mother and her two young sons about 4 and 5. The mother notice the smell but the older kid said, "it smells like toilet." At this point I was use to the looks but here was a kid not afraid to speak his mind. I laugh to myself about his honesty and luckily I now don't have that bad smell anymore.
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thank you for sharing your stories.
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I have many "bathroom accident" stories also....My M.O. seemed to be that I would always be in the car, driving for home; I would floor-board the gas, get home, and get almost inside...but never quite make it.
Oh and I fainted at Target once...that wasn't cute.
I remember once, it must have been around '92 or '93, my partner and I went to the Gay Pride Celebration in Atlanta. I made it through the parade, and we were on a blanket under a tree in the shade, when suddenly I felt deathly ill. That's the way it used to be with me, pre-HAART days....I had next to no CD4's, and would be going along o.k. and then all of a sudden, just get deathly ill. The kind of sick where you just wanted to lie down and die. To this day, I don't know how he got me from the park all the way back to our car....one of our friends snapped a photo, and I am absolutely gray....
I am so blessed to be able to function relatively "normal" now, and not have those "deathly ill" spells...most days now, all of that seems like a bad nightmare I had once, especially as I get farther and farther away from it, time-wise. A lot of us LTSers have been on HAART since '95-'96, so we're 14 or 15 years into it now. Almost unbelievable, isn't it?
Many hugs,
Alan
PS - Joe, it's nice to be able to laugh about those times, isn't it? They sure weren't funny at the time! Like a lot of things in life, as time goes by, we can see the humor in all of it.
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After my diagnosis there ensued several admissions to various hospitals over a long time. One time I ended up in a non-HIV hospital. After losing the debate over whether I got to keep my meds in my bedstand, the obnoxious doctor sent over the cute little junior doctor to take a list of my meds. He looked in each container, obviously interested as he'd never seen HIV meds before, and when he got to the Norvir, he said
"Wow, I bet you have a time of it trying to swallow these"
Still peeved by my run-in with his colleague, I replied
"Not really: I can manage a penis"
I still giggle at his embarrassed reaction!
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I will write of a time I was at a HIV lunch and learn at the public clinic and since this meeting was about to start a person was at the door and motion folks in and telling them," lunch and learn" not checking names or anything and this gentlemen with friend in tow says, I'll learn anything if you feedin, oblivious to where he is. Fills his plate with enough food for a family and begins swallowing his andmeal. As the speaker is talking, he leans over to his buddy and asks, what's he talking about(in ohis outside voice)excuses himself to get more food and comes back and his friend says AID'S and this with a full mouth says(in outside voice and still oblivious)Oh wow, I got that nasty shit, and then looks around and says ,ooh, oh, I think I am telling too much of my business too loudly and the look on his face and his proceeding choking when the speaker an older asian perturbed at the interruptions looks over while he's choking and says, hey that shit won't kill you if you choke first. ( no doubt hinting at his loud demise)
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After my diagnosis there ensued several admissions to various hospitals over a long time. One time I ended up in a non-HIV hospital. After losing the debate over whether I got to keep my meds in my bedstand, the obnoxious doctor sent over the cute little junior doctor to take a list of my meds. He looked in each container, obviously interested as he'd never seen HIV meds before, and when he got to the Norvir, he said
"Wow, I bet you have a time of it trying to swallow these"
Still peeved by my run-in with his colleague, I replied
"Not really: I can manage a penis"
I still giggle at his embarrassed reaction!
Great story. ;-) But reading so many of these stories makes me hesitant to start antivirals...
On an entirely different note: I don't see how to write a private note to a handsome Texan on this thread.... ;-)