Author Topic: I found a ghost from my past on myspace & it made me feel sad. (Read 9317 times)

Dan J. · « **on:** August 08, 2007, 01:20:54 am »

Last night I was going through myspace looking for strange profiles and I found someone from from my past has a page there. This person & I were in a relationship from the late '80's until I moved back home in Dec '91. The last time I saw him was over 10 years ago @ a New Years Eve party in Memphis . When we started seeing one another I was already positive & he knew it. I INFECTED HIM. When I found his page & saw photographs of him , as he is today, a flood of memories and emotions have been going through my mind . We didn't always get along & our relationship wasn't a healthy one for either of us , but it wasn't all bad either. I don't have a myspace page so I couldn't send him a message. I don't know how that would make him feel. & I didn't want to run the risk of upsetting him. The last time we saw each other we left on good terms, at least I think we did anyway.

Dan

thunter34 · « **Reply #1 on:** August 08, 2007, 01:32:10 am »

You were already infected and he knew it- but you did it raw anyway? Is that what you mean?

Dan J. · « **Reply #2 on:** August 08, 2007, 01:33:44 am »

yes I do & I'm not proud of it either

Dan J. · « **Reply #3 on:** August 08, 2007, 01:39:35 am »

Edited to remove information that should remain private.

I know that all of you are trying to make me feel better & I appreciate it. I thought I had moved on from these feelings, but when I saw his photo it all came back very fast. Old feelings of guilt, shame, anger & feelings for a person that I loved at one time in my life. I still love him, in a way. But, I found a truer , stronger love with my favorite Belgian.... & I am better off with him in my life than some myspace sheeple with a page dedicated to a very bad Joan Crawford movie.

Dan
(that last sentence is not meant to offend anyone on this forum that has a myspace page)

Matty the Damned · « **Reply #4 on:** August 08, 2007, 01:41:37 am »

Danny,

Matty the Damned doesn't judge you, but he suspects others will. Prepare for the Blizzard of Shit^TM . . .

MtD

Dan J. · « **Reply #5 on:** August 08, 2007, 01:48:08 am »

No one on this forum can say anything to me that I haven't said to myself already the last 18 years. I think of him EVERYDAY & I have beaten myself up inside my head more times than I can remember. & I will EVERYDAY for the rest of MY life. This is the main source of why I hate myself so fucking much & I can never forgive MYSELF for what I did to HIM.

Bucko · « **Reply #6 on:** August 08, 2007, 01:49:16 am »

Quote from: thunter34 on August 08, 2007, 01:32:10 am

You were already infected and he knew it- but you did it raw anyway? Is that what you mean?

Quote from: Dan J. on August 08, 2007, 01:33:44 am

yes I do & I'm not proud of it either

Quote from: Dan J. on August 08, 2007, 01:48:08 am

No one on this forum can say anything to me that I haven't said to myself already the last 18 years. I think of him EVERYDAY & I have beaten myself up inside my head more times than I can remember. & I will EVERYDAY for the rest of MY life. This is the main source of why I hate myself so fucking much & I can never forgive MYSELF for what I did to HIM.

Dan-
If he fucked you raw then he fucked others as well. You cannot be certain that yours was the lucky virus without genome testing.

I understand the guilt associated with having unprotected sex. Although I've never knowingly fucked a neg raw, there were some guys I played with in the mid-90s before I was tested. I doubt they were aware of their own status, as the question simply never came up. But condoms were not always used.

Brent
(Who never cared for latex)

/edited to include Dan's last remark, although the response remains unchanged/

Dan J. · « **Reply #7 on:** August 08, 2007, 01:54:30 am »

Quote from: matty.the.damned on August 08, 2007, 01:41:37 am

Danny,

Matty the Damned doesn't judge you, but he suspects others will. Prepare for the Blizzard of Shit^TM . . .

MtD

God (if there is one) is my judge. So he who is without sin, throw the first stone.

Matty the Damned · « **Reply #8 on:** August 08, 2007, 01:55:34 am »

No one on this forum can say anything to me that I haven't said to myself already the last 18 years. I think of him EVERYDAY & I have beaten myself up inside my head more times than I can remember. & I will EVERYDAY for the rest of MY life. This is the main source of why I hate myself so fucking much & I can never forgive MYSELF for what I did to HIM.

Honey, Matty the Damned understands that. He was simply counselling you to be prepared. You've been around this place long enough to know where these sorts of threads can end up.

As it happens, I agree with Buckles here. It's not at all clear that you infected this fellow at all. You may be blaming yourself unnecessarily. And even if you did give him the gift, remember this chap decided to go pink on pink with you. He has to carry his share of the burden for that.

MtD

Queen Tokelove · « **Reply #9 on:** August 08, 2007, 01:56:50 am »

I can understand your guilt, Dan. You said he knew you were poz so the blame doesn't fall all on your shoulders. You both consented. No one better not talk shit to you either. Those w/o sin, let them cast the first stone. I was never good at Bible quotes but you know what I'm saying. This thread is about how you felt seeing him on myspace, not, let's make Dan feel like shit. So, people let's not go there, thanks....

(who is protective of Dan)

Who just saw Dan's response..Great minds and all that...

Dan J. · « **Reply #10 on:** August 08, 2007, 02:07:40 am »

Quote from: matty.the.damned on August 08, 2007, 01:55:34 am

No one on this forum can say anything to me that I haven't said to myself already the last 18 years. I think of him EVERYDAY & I have beaten myself up inside my head more times than I can remember. & I will EVERYDAY for the rest of MY life. This is the main source of why I hate myself so fucking much & I can never forgive MYSELF for what I did to HIM.

Honey, Matty the Damned understands that. He was simply counselling you to be prepared. You've been around this place long enough to know where these sorts of threads can end up.

As it happens, I agree with Buckles here. It's not at all clear that you infected this fellow at all. You may be blaming yourself unnecessarily. And even if you did give him the gift, remember this chap decided to go pink on pink with you. He has to carry his share of the burden for that.

MtD

I know all of that & I appreciate yours and Brents reples very much.

Dan
(who loves you very much)

ndrew · « **Reply #11 on:** August 08, 2007, 03:06:22 am »

Drew doesn't judge you either. He knows hangers full of skeletons loom in the closets of humanity...

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #12 on:** August 08, 2007, 03:46:54 am »

I read that there's a statute of limitations on such things anyway.

Dragonette · « **Reply #13 on:** August 08, 2007, 05:14:54 am »

Dan,

I infected my ex. Speaking of the trademarked Blizzard of Shit, I wanted to mention it here many times and didn't, the reason is I infected him through oral and I know it is very very controversial here to even mention that this option exists.

I feel very guilty about it. I didn't know I was poz. The irony is I was super careful from him. In retrospect I had signs of advanced infection long before I even met him but they went undiagnosed. He is Thai and I was aware of the high rate of HIV there so I never even let him come in my mouth. I was careful from him but he was not from me and he did not a have healthy mouth. I keep in touch with him till today and send him money on occasion. As a result of his infection he lost his job when he was hospitalized, but he has since managed to start a small business. I have very little money myself but I sent him a few 100 every few months.

why do I feel guilty if I didn't know? because he is poor and that was the last thing he needed and he lives in a country where becoming a HIV statistic is one of the worst things that can happen.

I carry the guilt and you carry the guilt, it's incomparable situations b/c in one both knew and in the other both didn't. But the result is the same. You can say that a) it was his choise b) if he is on myspace he is obviously doing better than my ex. I can totally imagine my ex dying from this in a few years b/c although he has access to some HAART it is very very basic and the medical care is really poor. I suppose that your ex has much better chances to live a fulfilling happy life with this virus. I suppose that he is doing relatively OK, and that is he blames anyone he blames himself, but maybe he is past that. My ex never blamed me for a second, he always says this is fate or destiny, it's one outlook on life, Buddhism, that doesn't attach guilt.

mjmel · « **Reply #14 on:** August 08, 2007, 06:06:45 am »

As I see it Dan J, the purpose of this forum is not to beat people up over past mistakes.
Hey, Dan, have you considered a pre-visit call before dropping in for a visit when you're in San Francisco?... It could be an enlightening experience.
Wouldn't it be funny if you carried this guilt around for years and years only to find out it wasn't warranted?

Mike
P.S. And WHY is everyone assuming DAN will be judged harshly by fellow forum members? Little angels fluttering about.

edit: reworded for clarification

jack · « **Reply #15 on:** August 08, 2007, 06:37:10 am »

Is there a more debilitating and horrible side effect of HIV than the guilt? You can read all the self help books you want and try and trick yourself,but it never goes away. Its always lurking. We all have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. Fear of being haunted by guilt is a great deterrent to any actions that cause it.

Dachshund · « **Reply #16 on:** August 08, 2007, 06:38:32 am »

Quote from: Dragonette on August 08, 2007, 05:14:54 am

Dan,

I infected my ex. Speaking of the trademarked Blizzard of Shit, I wanted to mention it here many times and didn't, the reason is I infected him through oral and I know it is very very controversial here to even mention that this option exists.

I feel very guilty about it. I didn't know I was poz. The irony is I was super careful from him. In retrospect I had signs of advanced infection long before I even met him but they went undiagnosed. He is Thai and I was aware of the high rate of HIV there so I never even let him come in my mouth. I was careful from him but he was not from me and he did not a have healthy mouth. I keep in touch with him till today and send him money on occasion. As a result of his infection he lost his job when he was hospitalized, but he has since managed to start a small business. I have very little money myself but I sent him a few 100 every few months.

why do I feel guilty if I didn't know? because he is poor and that was the last thing he needed and he lives in a country where becoming a HIV statistic is one of the worst things that can happen.

I carry the guilt and you carry the guilt, it's incomparable situations b/c in one both knew and in the other both didn't. But the result is the same. You can say that a) it was his choise b) if he is on myspace he is obviously doing better than my ex. I can totally imagine my ex dying from this in a few years b/c although he has access to some HAART it is very very basic and the medical care is really poor. I suppose that your ex has much better chances to live a fulfilling happy life with this virus. I suppose that he is doing relatively OK, and that is he blames anyone he blames himself, but maybe he is past that. My ex never blamed me for a second, he always says this is fate or destiny, it's one outlook on life, Buddhism, that doesn't attach guilt.

I am a little confused by your response but I do feel it needs clarification. Are you saying you never had unprotected vaginal/anal intercourse with your friend? Being from a country with such a high rate of HIV infection how can you possibly be sure you were the only person your friend ever slept with. Since you were as safe as you say you were, there is a good chance you didn't even infect him.

chrism1973 · « **Reply #17 on:** August 08, 2007, 06:44:17 am »

Dan,
May I suggest creating a Myspace page and contacting him.I have Myspace and have found old flames and old friends there.It is a great way to break the ice so to speak.Everyone has mistakes in there past.Don't beat yourself up over this (sounds like your doing it enough already).It took me a few years but I have forgiven the person who infected me.You may be suprised in the responce you get from him.Just a thought.
Chris (who agrees with Matty)

carousel · « **Reply #18 on:** August 08, 2007, 06:57:54 am »

As it is so long since this happened, I hope that he has moved on and does not hold any bad feelings. If he does, it seems that regret that he went through with the sex, knowing that you were positive would be an appropriate reaction.

As most of us were infected through sex, whether knowingly or not, there is somebody out there that infected us. There are some of us who have gone on to infect others. It's one of the things that we have to live with.

I wonder what benefit it would be to either of you to make contact. I would just walk away and not try and find out any further information. If you were to make contact, he could ask where you found him and he may not be happy in the way you have searched for him.

It sounds as though it was quite a disfunctional relationship, so I just wonder what would be the benefit of making contact.

Stop beating yourself up, you did something (maybe) that makes you human and I don't think anybody has a right to sit in judgement against you.

You were talking about the possibility of moving jobs, helping people with HIV. Why not concentrate on the positive things in your life, rather than dragging youself down with things that you cannot change?

All the best

Dragonette · « **Reply #19 on:** August 08, 2007, 07:06:07 am »

Hi Dachshund

I'll PM you in a second to avoid hijacking this thread.

David_CA · « **Reply #20 on:** August 08, 2007, 07:43:21 am »

I'm sure many of us have infected others prior to knowing our own status. Fortunately, I don't know of anybody I infected, but I really don't know how long I was POZ® before I tested. Even if people haven't infected another with HIV, most all have done things to others that weren't right / good. Guilt sucks. Don't beat yourself up too much over it, Dan.

Maybe contacting this guy would be good for you, and I doubt it would upset him terribly. I know if the person who infected me (other than myself) got in contact with me, I wouldn't hate them or let it ruin my day. If it would relieve their stress or guilt, I'd hope they would get in contact with me. Take care of you, Dan.

David

Jerry71 · « **Reply #21 on:** August 08, 2007, 08:57:53 am »

Dan never think bad for what you did. We are only human and shit happens. I was on AOL one night and got a IM from one of the guys I was with down in Myrtle Beach and he said he was POZ now and had been way before I was. I did not blame him for my infection nor did he me. Sometimes you just got to take the good with the bad and get busy with your life. Keep your chin up and think positive.

Iggy · « **Reply #22 on:** August 08, 2007, 09:35:40 am »

Dan,

I'm going to stick to your direct question about contacting him - my gut answer is: No

I'm not really sure if it is really going to be good for either of you at this point. I made a big mistake in my life of not letting go with people who had moved on and all I did was cause myself grief. I still remember going to see my first ex at his retail store a few years after we broke up. The look on his face when he saw me made me start screaming "oh Shit! oh SHit! baaaaad idea" the second I saw him. What followed was an excruciatingly 10 minutes or so that left me wishing that I never tried to say hi to him.

I do strongly suggest that you alter your post if you still can about the work thingy - my gut is telling me that doesn't need to pbe in print here on a public message board.

redhotmuslbear · « **Reply #23 on:** August 08, 2007, 10:54:57 am »

Dan,
Picking at a healing wound is a human pre-occupation. That said, do make your best effort to resist because, as others have pointed out, you may be carrying a burden that is unwarranted.

15 years ago a terminally heterosexual male boss gave me some great words that I hope you can take to heart in forgiving yourself for any harm that you may have caused and in moving forward: we are all needy and wonded creatures doing our best at any moment to respond to situations with what is in our hearts and minds.

Peace,
David

Dan J. · « **Reply #24 on:** August 08, 2007, 10:59:06 am »

I almost joined myspace just to send him a message. I really wanted to, but I didn't. He looked happy in the photos of himself on his page. So that will have to be enough for me. I hope he is happy, healthy & has the support of real, true friends to be there for him when he needs it. I know I do & I hope that he can feel the same way for me.

Dan

purpledragonfly · « **Reply #25 on:** August 08, 2007, 12:13:09 pm »

Hi Dan, I don't know how you feel with that guilt. But i think we all have guilt about something we did in our lifes. I have a suggestion about Myspace tho. Why don't you go ahead and open an account with it and do your profile page and all, You will get new friends and maybe even old friends will find you on there and add you. But maybe this guy will see your profile and contact you. Maybe he is feeling guilty also and has wanted to talk to you too but just didn't know how to go about it. It is just a thought, and who knows you might meet a lot of new friends, I have because i have a myspace account too, i use it to talk to friends and to meet people, its fun and you can pick who you want to be your friend and who to talk to.

Love, Wendy

Dan J. · « **Reply #26 on:** August 08, 2007, 02:20:57 pm »

Quote from: redhotmuslbear on August 08, 2007, 10:54:57 am

we are all needy and wonded creatures doing our best at any moment to respond to situations with what is in our hearts and minds.
Peace,
David

How very true...

Thank you David

Dan

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #27 on:** August 08, 2007, 08:37:28 pm »

To err is human...

thunter34 · « **Reply #28 on:** August 08, 2007, 08:46:04 pm »

Quote from: red_Dragon888 on August 08, 2007, 08:37:28 pm

To err is human...

...but to condemn is Divine.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #29 on:** August 08, 2007, 09:28:44 pm »

::summons Unholy Trinity::

poeticirony · « **Reply #30 on:** August 09, 2007, 01:46:55 am »

I think the guilt lies on the people who created myspace to begin with.

+Man · « **Reply #31 on:** August 09, 2007, 03:44:47 am »

PoeticIrony CRACKED ME UP! Myspace is the devil.

As for guilt for past shit we did - Would you do it today??? NO, then you aren't the same guy now...so why beat up the new guy for what the old guy did...you are better now...forgive the old guy that you were...love the new guy that you are...and go from there...hope that helps a little.

Dan J. · « **Reply #32 on:** August 09, 2007, 02:16:53 pm »

Myspace is the internet version of the carnival freak show in my opinion. I got over being sad, at least he is ALIVE & doing alright. I should be thankful for that. It just threw me off when I found his page. I wasn't expecting it. BOOM there he is & it all came back. Our relationship ended a very long time ago, but when you love somebody & spend 5 years of your live with them if you REALLY loved them they are always in your heart to some extent. I wish things were different & if I could go back in time I would change my actions at the time we were together. but I can't. I may or may not have infected him & I've been beating up myself & hating me for it for so long maybe it was good that I saw his page & posted this thread about it. Now maybe I can learn from it & move on. That's all I can do.

Dan

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #33 on:** August 12, 2007, 06:24:22 pm »

Quote from: thunter34 on August 08, 2007, 08:46:04 pm

...but to condemn is Divine.

to forgive sweet heart... to forgive

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #34 on:** August 12, 2007, 06:26:49 pm »

Quote from: Dan J. on August 09, 2007, 02:16:53 pm

Myspace is the internet version of the carnival freak show in my opinion. I got over being sad, at least he is ALIVE & doing alright. I should be thankful for that. It just threw me off when I found his page. I wasn't expecting it. BOOM there he is & it all came back. Our relationship ended a very long time ago, but when you love somebody & spend 5 years of your live with them if you REALLY loved them they are always in your heart to some extent. I wish things were different & if I could go back in time I would change my actions at the time we were together. but I can't. I may or may not have infected him & I've been beating up myself & hating me for it for so long maybe it was good that I saw his page & posted this thread about it. Now maybe I can learn from it & move on. That's all I can do.

Dan

hell, if I could go back in time I would stop AIDS in its tracks.

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