Question from a Newbie

[xzubrnt]

This is my first post.  I discovered that I’m positive in July 2009 & it was quite a shock.  I’m in a long-term (but sexually open) relationship for over 20 years and we both played as safely as possible.  My partner is not infected.  I’m pretty sure I was maliciously infected, since I’ve never fucked or been fucked without a condom.  I trusted the guy I hooked up with but I’m pretty sure he intentionally inserted blood or semen into my ass while we were playing.

Anyway, my partner and I have been going to couple’s therapy and I’ve been seeing my own long-term therapist to deal with adjusting to this new phase in my life.  While things are going well with my partner, it’s been a hard adjustment for me.  I’m 57 years old, healthy and hyper-athletic (swim, bike, ski, etc.).  I thought I had “made it” through the HIV crisis safely.  This was quite a surprise.

My t-cells were low when I discovered I was infected (under 300), so I went on meds within two months of finding out I was positive. I’m enrolled in a study using Truvada & Raltegravir (Isentress).  My t-cell counts and ratios are responding well & my viral load is undetectable.  So, physically, things are going ok. 

I have a couple of mental adjustments that are troubling me and I could really use “allies” in dealing with the mental issues I’m dealing with.  One is that I’m having a rough time forgiving myself for becoming infected.  I feel guilty and ashamed about it.  My shrink suggested that I could pose a question to others on this forum:

How did you forgive yourself for becoming infected?

I have some other questions I’d like to pose but will save them for a later post.

Thanks.

[mecch]

It only took me a few months.  Chatting in here about anything and seeing all the different people and all the different experiences with HIV shows its just another dumb disagreeable disease. Don't give it so much moral weight - there are plenty of people willing to moralize about HIV so they can do that work and you can just go on with your life and continue adjusting to this added dimension.  I'm sure you have done a lot of good in your job, your relationship, friends, family, why a virus cast a moral shadow over this.  20 year relationship is already a huge achievement.  30+ years negative - a huge achievement!  Pat yourself on the back and if your BF is putting any of this guilt on you, work that out, as well.

[WillyWump]

Welcome X,

This question is tougher than I thought it would be. I had to think long and hard about your question and had to look back and try to determine how or when I forgave myself. I couldnt come up with anything, I think this is becvause I never felt it necessary to forgive myself. I've never really dwelt on "that day" much at all. I made a big (HUGE) mistake,  I owned it and moved on. For me trying to have an epiphany of forgiving myself over this is in a sense "going backwards". But this is just my nature, perhaps I need to be a little harder on myself, I dont know. But I can tell you I am at peace with myself over it all.

I'm not saying this is how you should be, I'm merely giving you my perspective on it 

-Will

[sdguyloveslife]

I think for everyone the journey of acceptance and forgiveness is different and no one way is the right or wrong way.  It took brutal honesty with myself to realize that I had a role in becoming positive and I recognized that "the victim card" wasn't going to work out there in the world - but most importantly, it was no longer working with myself. 

I’m pretty sure I was maliciously infected, since I’ve never fucked or been fucked without a condom.  I trusted the guy I hooked up with but I’m pretty sure he intentionally inserted blood or semen into my ass while we were playing.

I would start here and ask myself why am I still harboring this resentment against "that guy."  I'm not asking you to answer anything here, but start by asking yourself some of the following questions.  There's no right or wrong answer to any of these, but the spirit of forgiveness has to come from within you somewhere and these might help you get at the underlying issues and uncover what's holding you back.   

What makes you think it was intentional? 
If it was intentional or you thought it could be - why would you have trusted him in the first place? 
What does it take for someone to earn your trust? 
What made you suspect him and not someone else? 
Are you angry at what he did or angry at yourself for trusting him? 
Since we all know it takes two to tango, do you think you might have also had a role in your becoming positive? 
If so, what was your role?
Have you ever allowed someone to hurt you? 
How have you forgiven those that have hurt you in the past? 

The forgiveness has to happen in both places in order to free yourself.  But harboring resentment and laying blame is what I suspect is working against you. 

Best wishes to you! 

[Matty the Damned]

There was nothing to forgive.

MtD

[wimble]

The forgiveness has to happen in both places in order to free yourself.  But harboring resentment and laying blame is what I suspect is working against you.  

I agree with you here sd....its important to make sure you forgive the guy who infected you else forgiving yourself is twice as hard! In the past few months iv been so wound up and angy that I felt (and still feel to some extent) I might not be able to forgive the girl who infected me...however I've quickly realised that i only blame her because i am not able to forgive myself so she becomes the scape goat.....it takes time i guess, I'm not one to be giving advice out right now because I'm fighting my own demons, but just think, the person who infected you is suffering too....its unhealthy to obsess too much over the person that infected you believe me!
Try to forgive the guy and the rest will hopefully follow.
Hope my opinion accounts for something here, cheers.
Wim.

[Rev. Moon]

There was nothing to forgive.

Ditto.  Anger, guilt, and blame fix nothing.

You have taken the right steps when it comes to addressing your physical well-being.  You are going to be fine.

M.

[Joe K]

You forgive yourself, because you made a mistake. We are human, we make mistakes and hopefully learn from them and then move on.

The real reason you must forgive yourself... is that you cannot afford not to.

[tednlou2]

I have a similar experience.  I believe I was infected by a friend.  He poked me after taking the condom off.  I didn't know he took it off.  It only went in a little and I made him pull it out.  He was big and I never was a big bottom anyway.  I was very mad that he took it off without asking me.  I tried to not make a big deal out of it.  We had known each other for about 7 years at that point.  After that, I harbored bad feelings toward him and lost contact.  After that incident, I got the classic symptoms...mono-like illness with very sore and swollen lymph nodes all over.  I'm 99% sure it was he who infected me.  I was too afraid to get tested back then.  I allowed myself to get sick before I knew. 

I am still trying to forgive myself for allowing this to happen.  I watched a family friend in '92 dying of AIDS.  I knew what the virus could do.  Even though I was taken advantage of, I should have taken more precautions.  Besides not having sex at all, I'm not sure what I could have done.  I don't think my friend knew he was poz.  I hope he didn't know.  I think he felt we were friends and he could do that and it was no big deal. 

It isn't going to do any of us much good blaming ourselves.  It is done.  I contacted his ex to try to get in touch with him.  I wanted to know whether he would admit to being poz and how long he thinks he's had it.  His ex seemed to know exactly why I was trying to reach him.  I believe his ex is also poz, but didn't want to reveal it to me.     

[xzubrnt]

Thanks so much everyone.  This is really, really helpful.  I appreciate & was moved by the responses.