Author Topic: Trying to move forward (Read 10810 times)

scooter24 · « **on:** December 05, 2014, 07:50:48 pm »

Last month, I thought it would be a great idea to go on PREP. Scheduled an appointment to go see my doctor after my birthday, we discuss it, he thinks I am a candidate for it, and I get my lab work done. A week later, on 12/2/2014, I get a call from the office for me to come in and discuss my labs and I ask them for me to just tell me over the phone because I didn't want to wait 4 hours to find out what this abnormal result is. They told me I was HIV positive.

I was so angry at myself and probably still am. I feel like I failed myself. I definitely feel numb in some ways. I've had to stay busy. I've made the decision that I need to pretend that I will be ok until I get my head around accepting and believing that will be the case. I guess that'll happen eventually. It sucks to have a chronic illness but I guess it would suck even more if I did nothing and didn't get treatment and move forward.

I told my ex, I told a friend, and I told a friend who's an HIV specialist. Everyone told me that I would be ok. I decided to get my care at my friends job and he set me up for an appointment on Thursday. I'm happy to have a great smart experienced doctor. I got more labs done. I have an appointment in two weeks to discuss my results and then I guess start meds.

I've started my partner notification but that has been overwhelming so I think I might have my case manager assist me with that.

I've managed to maintain my humor to a certain extent and I know I'm still the same person I was before. I know that I need emotional support. In what way, I am completely unsure.

I am hopeful but this is fucking overwhelming at this moment.

Dan0 · « **Reply #1 on:** December 05, 2014, 08:18:30 pm »

Quote from: scooter24 on December 05, 2014, 07:50:48 pm

I was so angry at myself and probably still am. I feel like I failed myself. I definitely feel numb in some ways. I've had to stay busy. I've made the decision that I need to pretend that I will be ok until I get my head around accepting and believing that will be the case.

Hey, Scooter - welcome!

There's no need to pretend. You WILL be ok. You're taking the needed steps to ensure that. Bad things happen to good people all the time and we just deal with them.

It will be a bit overwhelming at first and most of this is the appointments, the blood work, the insurance, the health department and the disclosure where you absolutely have to. Be careful on that one, you don't want to make the decison to tell the world until you're comfortable yourself. You will feel completely different about many aspects of your diagnosis in three or four months than you do now. So, breathe and one step and day at a time.

There are so many options available now compared to even five years ago. Avail yourself of the knowledge and be a participant with your doctor. It really will make things go easier.

I can tell you this.....after thirteen....maybe it's fourteen now....years with this I certainly am in a different and better place NOW than I was then. You will be, too! As you can see, I don't even remember the dates anymore without breaking out the fingers, it just "is".

Best of luck! Keep us posted!

Almost2late · « **Reply #2 on:** December 05, 2014, 08:45:28 pm »

Hi Scooter, and welcome... I really couldn't say it better than Dan did, you will be okay.. Just take it slow, let it be.. The fact that you were going to go on prep says you probably haven't been infected that long so your numbers will probably be good... Look, I've been dx with AIDS since january and found out when I was very sick and now I'm living a close to normal life.. I'm pretty damn happy, got alot to live for, I still live a productive life, I got a job, THE GLASS IS HALF FULL

and all this with bad numbers.. and yes I have some issues but compared to years ago, these meds are magic.. And you will do even better, believe that.. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

scooter24 · « **Reply #3 on:** December 06, 2014, 01:54:37 pm »

Thanks guys. Thanks for the encouragement. I will be ok. I just need to remind myself of this. I did find a group on Tuesday nights in NYC that I plan to participate in. Hopefully I can find a therapist soon as well. I don't think I plan to tell anymore of my friends unless we had sex or they are positive themselves. I just need to be patient, create a support network, and be prepared to use it for bad days because I know that they will happen.

In some ways, I'm glad I have work and school to focus on at the moment.

If anyone has recommendations for therapist or resources to find them, that would be helpful.

Dan0 · « **Reply #4 on:** December 06, 2014, 02:18:41 pm »

Wonderful news!

If you're thinking that there WILL be 'bad days' ahead, I'm not certain if you're speaking of physical or emotional. Keep in mind that there are many, many of us on here that have not experienced this. Once you get over the initial adjustment (both with meds and with yourself) it is entirely possible to continue without either. Sometimes, it boils down to the luck of the draw and other times it's just a matter of determination in taking care of yourself and not succumbing to your own worst fears.

Others may have issues with their meds, but it's certainly not what it used to be with all the options afforded us. And, yes, there are some who have difficulty dealing with their diagnosis and who seek professional help. That's the right direction - to each their own on how they can continue forward.

These posts never really 'go away'. Keep us updated and check back in A few months and see if how you feel THEN is how you feel NOW. I suspect it won't be 😉. I'm not saying it's all rainbows and tulips but it's also not this bottomless pit of dispair, either. You're in control and it seems like you're doing fine.

There are many here from NYC that will probably have answers to your question. That's the great part about the forum.....'we're everywhere!'

scooter24 · « **Reply #5 on:** December 06, 2014, 03:51:39 pm »

I meant bad days emotionally wise. My health at the moment seems pretty good. I know there could be side effects from medication but I will cross that bridge once I get there.

Tonny2 · « **Reply #6 on:** December 06, 2014, 04:40:59 pm »

Quote from: scooter24 on December 06, 2014, 03:51:39 pm

I meant bad days emotionally wise. My health at the moment seems pretty good. I know there could be side effects from medication but I will cross that bridge once I get there.

ojo Hi scooter...just to welcome you...and yes, you will be ok...good luck on your next visit to your doctor's app....please let us know how it goes...hugs ojo

Andy Velez · « **Reply #7 on:** December 07, 2014, 12:45:46 pm »

Hi Scooter,

I'm glad you found your way here. You've already gotten a sense of how receptive and helpful other members are willing to be, and how much they can offer of valuable knowledge from their own experiences.

Of course this is a significant change in your life that requires some adjustments. Gradually I think you will see that not only is life going on, but it's going to be good too. You can always come here to ask questions and to discuss anything that's on your mind. You have HIV in your life now in a special way and your life is still about a lot more than just HIV.

Welcome.

Best,

Andy

scooter24 · « **Reply #8 on:** December 08, 2014, 05:18:13 pm »

I got some of my bloodwork results back. My CD4 was 295 and my viral load was 1300. I am not sure what to make of that. My doctor thinks my CD4 count was suppressed by the flu shot. I think I am a bit freaked out my CD4 count considering that I could have only been HIV positive for a few months. I also tested positive for other STDs but I am not that shocked about it.

scooter24 · « **Reply #9 on:** December 21, 2014, 11:54:29 am »

Hey guys. I saw my doctor on 12/17. We reviewed my test results. We discussed treatment and decided it would be best to go on Stribild. I started taking them on 12/19. No noticeable side effects as of yet which I am very happy about. Hopefully my follow up appt goes well. I've gone to a few support groups and those seem helpful. I'm trying to see a psychiatrist and therapist. Hopefully I find a good one soon. Emotionally, things have been a lot better. I'm still chugging along. I got all A's this semester so I'm happy about that. This semester has been challenging especially dealing with finals when I just had been diagnosed. I've been feeling a bit unmotivated with life in general but I've been trying to not let this get me down. I know this will be temporary. I can't changed what happen but I know everything is going to be alright.

Dan0 · « **Reply #10 on:** December 21, 2014, 12:28:33 pm »

Great News!!! It does get better!

Tonny2 · « **Reply #11 on:** December 21, 2014, 01:30:03 pm »

ojo great scooter, sending your way a big hug...everything will be fine...I know it, after 20 years with "it", I know you will be ok...hugs ojo

scooter24 · « **Reply #12 on:** January 09, 2015, 04:08:47 pm »

I got some lab results today. My viral load is undetectable now! Whooooo!!!

lifejourney · « **Reply #13 on:** January 09, 2015, 04:15:08 pm »

Awesome!!! Congratulations!

HIVLIFECOACH · « **Reply #14 on:** January 10, 2015, 11:03:26 am »

Scooter,

Firstly I want to give you kudos for being so proactive in this process. It says a lot about you. It is understandable that this is an overwhelming time in your life. I agree with many of the other posters. It will get better and taking it one day at a time is a great approach.

I was diagnosed nearly twenty years ago and doing well today. I've had CD4 counts so low that they could not be counted.

Scooter one of your biggest challenges will probably be your own thoughts. Just know that you are so much more than any diagnosis or disease.

You're more incredible and more amazing than you know. Your brilliance is not diminished in any way because of HIV.

I wish you the best on your journey. Be well.

Tonny2 · « **Reply #15 on:** January 10, 2015, 01:48:59 pm »

ojo Congrats scooter ojo

JosephP · « **Reply #16 on:** February 03, 2015, 10:38:21 pm »

Quote from: scooter24 on January 09, 2015, 04:08:47 pm

I got some lab results today. My viral load is undetectable now! Whooooo!!!

Congratulations!!! Those are the victories we must celebrate! Keep up the good work and adhere to those meds!!!

areobe · « **Reply #17 on:** February 04, 2015, 07:12:25 am »

Hey Scooter! Congrats on the UD! That was fast. You're moving forward!

scooter24 · « **Reply #18 on:** April 16, 2015, 08:59:46 pm »

I think I'm getting back to being the pain in the ass that my friends are used to. I've told some more people but no family yet. I feel like I need to because I think if wait any longer, they'll be pissed that I waited so long. I know it's about me and not them. I want to tell them because it were one of my siblings I'd want to know. I'm sure I'll know when it's time, I'm just such an open person that I just want to not hold it in.

I'm happy that I'm ready to accept and deal with my issues. I'm glad that I have the motivation to try to be a better person now. I'm glad I'm moving forward and that's some to celebrate. I really appreciate the support you guys have provided; what a blessing!!!

Joe K · « **Reply #19 on:** April 17, 2015, 03:37:08 pm »

Quote from: scooter24 on April 16, 2015, 08:59:46 pm

I think I'm getting back to being the pain in the ass that my friends are used to. I've told some more people but no family yet. I feel like I need to because I think if wait any longer, they'll be pissed that I waited so long. I know it's about me and not them. I want to tell them because it were one of my siblings I'd want to know. I'm sure I'll know when it's time, I'm just such an open person that I just want to not hold it in.

I'm happy that I'm ready to accept and deal with my issues. I'm glad that I have the motivation to try to be a better person now. I'm glad I'm moving forward and that's some to celebrate. I really appreciate the support you guys have provided; what a blessing!!!

Hey Scooter,

I'm happy to see that you are adjusting and I simply want to offer some food for thought. You being poz, is not just about you. While it has happened to you, it will also affect those who care about you. Disclosing means sharing a life-changing event and everybody who hears it, and loves you, will be affected. They will need support as well as you and that is what draws you all even closer.

I offer this, only as a reminder that in times of disclosure, everybody needs support and love to adjust to the new reality.

Joe

scooter24 · « **Reply #20 on:** April 20, 2015, 10:18:17 am »

Thanks for the insight!

scooter24 · « **Reply #21 on:** May 08, 2015, 02:41:23 pm »

I have been racking my brain over how I contracted HIV. I think maybe I have an idea but the person doesn't want to share any information about there circumstance. I guess I could assume the worse considering how dodgy they are being. I guess it's nice to not be only angry at myself. I get that I'm responsible for my health and should be the one in control. It's fucked up when you intentionally take it off while I'm bottoming for you. I guess the loop could go on and on about how it's fucked and I was betrayed and how I could maybe done more. Sometimes I find anger and regret to be so stimulating at times for me.

I know it's not helpful or healthy to dwell on this and can be completely irrelevant in my life going forward provided that I keep reminding myself that it's not going to help and it's irrelevant. It's a struggle and hopefully it become second nature. I wish the process of letting go for me was easier. I find myself avoiding my angering because I'll then have to let go of it which seems like a lot of work for me.

On a positive note, I finally disclosed to my mother that I am POZ and the conversation wasn't as challenging as I thought it would be. She manages to be informed about the disease so she didn't freak out. It was still hard to hear but I'm glad I can rely on her support if needed. I do feel that this virus has that much less power over me. :-)

zach · « **Reply #22 on:** May 08, 2015, 03:26:48 pm »

scooter, you've come a long way in five months

you said everything in that post, so you've obviously processed it, the thoughts just linger, nagging

irrelevant is the key word in your post.

anger can be good, blame can be good. go look in a mirror... rage at the man staring back at you

but then forgive yourself totally, so you move forward. like the stages of grief, you sound right there at the last step... acceptance

good luck brother, hang in there

scooter24 · « **Reply #23 on:** May 10, 2015, 11:31:48 am »

Thanks Zach!

Forums Index

Welcome

Author Topic: Trying to move forward (Read 10810 times)