When I'm Gone .... Where Is Beyond ?
When It's Time ... You Have Decided That It's Now ... Why Did I Wake Up Not To The Heavenly Lights ... But To Flourescent Overheads ? Does One Decide When Or Is It Decided By Your Destiny ?
Wednesday June 7, 2006 - 02:05am (MDT)
This is What I Was Feeling When I Decided .... You Are Not Alone Friend ... I Am Here And You Are Here Too ... There Is A Reason ??? I Do Understand And Am Happy That You Are Here
Farewell
My computer doesn’t run, just like the rest of my sorry assed sick life, loss of no one, loved by less, betrayed by all, or should I say anyone that really should matter to me.
I don’t want it anymore; I hate my life, my being, my nothingness. God forgive them, for they know not what they do. I didn’t deserve this, I always tried, it’s just never good enough, hopeless, despair, loneliness, desperate, deserted, no where to turn when I need help. I’ve been screaming over and over, not a soul listens.
I think that I am better off dead, so I can’t feel this never ending pain and anguish that haunts my heart.
Your embarrassment and shame will soon be over, you’ll regret the pain and sorrow that you made me go through and miss me when I’m gone. Too little, too late, you’ll have to make amends to your maker.
I’ve fought and won for everything I stood for … true and trustworthy and know in my heart I did my best. Who do you think you are to every judge my life?
You have lied to me . . . the truth no matter how bad would have shown me that you knew I was unconditional.
You have cheated when you should have understood that winning wasn’t what I wanted, just having you as my partner was all that was important.
You have stolen from me you should have known anything I had and more was yours for the asking. My greatest pleasure would have been to share anything with you.
You have betrayed me . . . I have always been loyal and there for you!
You have discredited me, bad mouthed, divulged my personal affairs . . . have I not proudly boast to anyone listening about all your gifts, I would smite those who ever said anything bad about you and protect you with my life.
Have you ever loved someone so much that you would give your life to save theirs? I have and would without the asking.
Have I ever made a promise or commitment that I haven’t followed through on? Whether it was to be there for you, or swallowing 30 Seroquels, or slicing my wrists just because you were acting like a drama queen.
Have I not stood in front of your attacker, taken a gun to the head of your foe, made amends for your follies?
Haven’t I taken the food from my mouth to feed you, the clothes off my back to dress you?
Have I ever asked or expected anything from anyone of you? Oh yes three times in my life and three times you’ve turn away.
You’ve all been down and out at one time or another, yet who was there without question? Without any thoughts of payback or what’s in it for me. That’s not what any of you did only when it was in your best interest in your own timing.
I don’t expect accolades just hope that you all reflect on your deeds and perhaps show someone more compassion than you did to me!
Do you ever think I needed you? Do you ever think I needed your support or encouragement?
Can you think of just one instance where you thought about me before yourselves?
Did you ever take the time to know who and what I was about? I doubt it but you all can be assured that I had the privilege to know you all very well. I’m certain that each one of you knew that, seemingly so as each and every one of you always turned up on my doorstep, unsolicited I might add.
All of you without exception needed me more than I needed you and I am truly blessed!
http://mp.aol.com/video.index.adp?pmmsid=1434768&referer=http://music.aol.com/artist/eminem/347307/main&mode=1
When I'm Gone Maybe someone might look at my Web Site you may get to know me and what I was all about.
We’ll what more can I say except that I love you all more than life it’s self.
Good Bye and I do believe that my rewards will be in Heaven, as they sure the hell weren’t here on Earth!
This isn't the first time I've tried to do this. Slashing wirst, cuttoing deep into my skin with a sharp serated hunting kife. Hell, I've even put the my postil in my mouth before only for it to be taken away from me.
Now it's a chance to let the meds do thermagic. What has been done is done there is no going back now. I feel the medications starting to work.
I just chewed 24 2MG lorazepam, 30 25mg Amitriptyline & 10 25mg seroquel. All chased down with a pint of good old standby Absolute vodka. I hope I get the result I'm looking for.
Thank you For Making Me Understand
I perhaps communicated my concern and understanding inappropriately and am truly sorry and appreciative of your voiced concerns.
My most private personal disclosure was in no way for the benefit or the interpretation of our readers only for that one person in need to know. When I read this post I was brought to tears with his words reaching to the deepest parts in my heart and soul. These were not just words but emotions which many fortunate people will never have to experience however paralleled and never forgotten in my own life.
I remember the importance of those who gave me empathy and support with their sincere concern and caring well wishing but deep down I wondered if they really knew what this was all about.
All the Medical Specialists ~ Psychiatrics ~ Nurses ~ Police ~ Paramedics that provided continual support couldn't fill a void that I knew only someone that had walked there before me could understand and interpret the intrinsic values of all those feelings that were unspoken yet still there.
My purpose was to relate to and share this dark place with him where one can feel so alone, afraid, angry, ashamed and validate his feelings and recognize the experience that another walks beside him.
I will delete my posting as required by your response.