please help me? i really need help..

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Hi, I'm a seventeen year old female from the UK. I had unprotected vaginal and oral sex from a guy of an older age, before anything he told me that he did not have anything and he was sure of this, he also told me he had the snip. After the sexual activity which was less than ten minuites he told me that he has seen six women for sex over the past year,I wasn't worried at the time, he seemed an extremely kind and trusting man..

But I know that's not good enough to trust now, I'm still in contact with him, he seemed like he wouldn't just sleep with anyone as he told me he had 'taste'and if he knew he had hiv why would he still talk to me? So I was wondering about the risk as this was a one off encounter? If the fact that he had the snip and therefore unable to make any cum makes any difference?

Many thanks.
Clara.

[Matty the Damned]

Hi Clara,

Just because a man has had the "snip" doesn't mean he can't make any cum (semen). It just means his semen doesn't contain any sperm cells and he is infertile, ie unable to father children.

Having a vasectomy doesn't mean he can't pass on HIV or other STDs if he has them.

Unprotected vaginal sex is certainly a risk for HIV infection, particularly for the woman and you should arrange an HIV test 12 weeks from the date of this encounter. You should also arrange to be tested for other STDs such as chlamydia and gonorrhoea.

MtD

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Ok.. I'm so worried I've been pacing around worried sick in floods of tears, my mum found out and she's furious at me.. Its the only thing that I'm able to think about as soon as I get up and as soon as I go to sleep, I spoke to a sexual health advisor at the main sex clinic here in my city and she said its a really low chance and I shouldn't lose any sleep over it? I'm so scared.. I know no one can help.. But I don't want to like.. Find out I'm positive and be rejected.. I told my best freind and she asked me if she's at risk cos we've touched and shared drinks and stuff and it broke my heart..

[Matty the Damned]

I should also add that just because a man says he's had the snip, doesn't make it true. Some men will say anything to get out of using condoms.

I'm not saying this bloke is a liar, but it's not a risk you want to take.

Therefore, you should also arrange for a pregnancy test.

MtD

[Matty the Damned]

Ok.. I'm so worried I've been pacing around worried sick in floods of tears, my mum found out and she's furious at me.. Its the only thing that I'm able to think about as soon as I get up and as soon as I go to sleep, I spoke to a sexual health advisor at the main sex clinic here in my city and she said its a really low chance and I shouldn't lose any sleep over it? I'm so scared.. I know no one can help.. But I don't want to like.. Find out I'm positive and be rejected.. I told my best freind and she asked me if she's at risk cos we've touched and shared drinks and stuff and it broke my heart..

Clara,

I can appreciate that you're worried and that your mum is very cross about this.

But it's done now and crying isn't going to make things better. I agree with the sexual health advisor from the GUM clinic - the risk is low.

But low risk is not no risk and you have to be tested. Be sure they arrange for other STD tests too. They are more common and more transmissible than HIV.

HIV cannot be transmitted via casual contact through sharing glasses and touching. Make sure your friend understands this.

MtD

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Ok.. Thankyou Matty

[tigerlilyfireflies]

I'm having a average std screen tommrow, two days off two weeks since the sexual contact, if I was to have it two weeks dead on like they say it would mean christmas day which is not possible, so tommrow it is, and a pregnancy test too.

[Matty the Damned]

Ok.. Thankyou Matty

That's ok Clara.

This is going to work out. I know it's very stressful but it will work out.

If you're going to be sexually active it's important to take responsibility for your own health and safety, not trust others to do it for you.

Just because a chap who wants to sleep with you says something doesn't make it true. Remember that.

That means using condoms whenever you have vaginal or anal sex. You should also ask about getting the Heptatitis B and Gardisil vaccinations if you haven't been given the shots already.

I'm having a average std screen tommrow, two days off two weeks since the sexual contact, if I was to have it two weeks dead on like they say it would mean christmas day which is not possible, so tommrow it is, and a pregnancy test too.

Now that's more like it. The clinic will explain the various window periods for things HIV and syphilis. You will probably have to have follow up tests early next year.

Regards,

MtD

[tigerlilyfireflies]

So.. If in the chance I turn out positive (pray to god/ touch wood this isn't true) I could get the guy done? As he told me he wasn't? I'm not a hateful person at all.. Infact the only reason I did this is because I felt sexually left behind than my other college mates and so got persuaded quite easily by this guy.. But I just feel, so sad and confused. I keep looking at stuff online to try and make me feel better even though I've been told not to as most of its is 'untrue' but I found this?

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Ok thankyou again, but do you know what I could possibly do to stop myself from worrying? I've kinda convinced myself I have it unfortunatly.. And my mother talks and treats me like I have it already, everytime she looks at me she nearly bursts into tears, I have to agree with you its so stressful, the only source of making myself feel better is by looking at statsitics online, such as its more common to get hiv abroad or its a 1 in 1000 chance or its more common with homosexual and bi-sexual men.. But it differs... I just don't know how to cope

[Matty the Damned]

So.. If in the chance I turn out positive (pray to god/ touch wood this isn't true) I could get the guy done? As he told me he wasn't? I'm not a hateful person at all.. Infact the only reason I did this is because I felt sexually left behind than my other college mates and so got persuaded quite easily by this guy.. But I just feel, so sad and confused. I keep looking at stuff online to try and make me feel better even though I've been told not to as most of its is 'untrue' but I found this?

Well that's a legal question and we cannot answer those.

But why don't you burn that bridge when you jump off it? Just get your tests out of the way, enjoy the holidays (hopefully your mum will calm down by Saturday! ) and worry about the HIV stuff later on.

As we discussed above, the chances of you testing positive are quite low.

Also, you agreed to have sex with this bloke. Whilst he may or may not have been completely honest with you, it was still your decision to do the deed with him. Like I mentioned before being a seuxally active adult means accepting responsibility for your actions.

Regards,

MtD

[Matty the Damned]

Ok thankyou again, but do you know what I could possibly do to stop myself from worrying? I've kinda convinced myself I have it unfortunatly.. And my mother talks and treats me like I have it already, everytime she looks at me she nearly bursts into tears, I have to agree with you its so stressful, the only source of making myself feel better is by looking at statsitics online, such as its more common to get hiv abroad or its a 1 in 1000 chance or its more common with homosexual and bi-sexual men.. But it differs... I just don't know how to cope

Maybe the clinic has someone who can explain things to your mum? Obviously I don't know your family situation but my guess is that she's just worried more than anything. Often worry is expressed as anger.

For yourself, you've just got to take a deep breath and get on with your ordinary life. I'm sure you'll feel a lot better once you've been to the clinic tomorrow.

One tip, try not to search the internet looking for statistics and information and the like. It really only makes things worse.

MtD

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Thankyou so much

[Matty the Damned]

Thankyou so much

Not at all Clara. I'm glad I've been able to help.

Please keep us posted on how things go.

Hope you have an enjoyable holiday all things considered!

MtD

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Shall do! Thanks looaddds and merry crimbo to you too Ill give a reply on things tommrow if that's ok? Feels good to talk to someone who isn't my mum and won't scream at me,just read the new member notes and gotten a bit worried about the 'don't write too many posts' so will stop for tonight
More worried about my hamster getting out of her cage as I type right now... So thankyou x

[Ann]

Clara,

I'm a woman who lives in the Isle of Man - the last place you'd expect to come across hiv, right?

Well you listen to me and you listen to me good. Hiv is EVERYWHERE.

You want to know about "having him done"? Get a grip woman. YOU allowed him to have sex with you without a condom. I don't give a shit what he told you, your health is YOUR responsibility. Not his, not your mother's. YOURS.

Just as I hold total responsibility for my infection, so should you if it comes to that. I chose to believe my fella when he said he didn't have hiv, I didn't insist on a condom and what is the result? I have hiv. And it is 100% MY fault.

I have a daughter who is probably near the same age as you (23). She has had to deal with knowing her mother became hiv positive when she was a teen. Thankfully it has meant that she knows hiv isn't about being a good girl or a bad girl, it's about being human and believing what men tell you.

All that aside, chances are quite good that you'll come out of this ok. But you might not. You need to learn from this and not take ANY man at his word that he has no STIs. You need to protect yourself and INSIST on condoms if they want to put their penis into your vagina.

You are far more likely to end up with something like chlamydia from this encounter. Are you aware that one in five men in the UK in their twenties has chlamydia? Are you aware that chlamydia often has no symptoms in women? Are you aware that untreated chlamydia is one of the leading causes of infertility in women?

I'm not saying "don't have sex". I'm saying MAKE SURE HE USES A CONDOM.  And I'll say it again and again and again. I even give condoms out to young people like you in my local pub. And yes, they know I'm poz; I'm out of the closet when it comes to hiv. If I can stop one young woman - like you - from ending up hiv poz, the lack of privacy will have been worth it.

You need to test at three months after this incident for a conclusive hiv result. Test at two weeks to find out if you contracted something like chlamydia. Tell the GUM clinic you need to test for all STIs.

Good luck.

Ann

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Just come back from the clinic, I tested positive in my pregnancy test and they said that its my choice and cannot influence any decision but I'm not in a good position for a child so I've made the steps so abort it, but they said that my pains and the pain when I wee was because of 'stastitus'? As they tested that for other reasons beside pregnancy, they've also said that the outer pain of my vagina is due to probably washing harshly with things like shampoo and dove soap and stuff so they've given me pills and some cream to wash with as well, they sent the samples for chylmidia and ghonnerea (sorry about spelling) away too.. Shit day to be honest

[Ann]

tiger,

It's cystitis. It's an inflammation of the urethra (where you pee from) and is usually caused by a bacterial infection of the bladder. They should have given you some medication for that. If they didn't and you can't get back in to see a doctor over the holiday, try drinking plenty of cranberry juice. Make sure it's "juice" and not "drink" as the products labelled drink don't have enough pure juice in them. You can also get cranberry tablets and Boots sell a few different products that will help with cystitis. Ask at the counter if you cannot find them yourself. Make sure you keep drinking plenty of water too, it will help. Cystitis sucks!

Did you speak to them about hiv testing?

Ann

[tigerlilyfireflies]

I've accepted the fact that this is my fault, nothing can be done now, if I have HIV which is 1% as I've been told I'll just live with it and be proud of who I am, if not I still want to get involved and help people who aren't so lucky...I know it sounds cheesy but.. I hope everything will be ok..

[tigerlilyfireflies]

I did they said that there is a low chance and that they didn't really seem to talk about it as much as I hoped, they just kept saying 'we should see what we can arrange so this doesn't happen again like councilling'but because of this I take it they really aren't concerened? I'm in brighton by the way, they said that it normally occours in groups of people in brighton such as african and caribbean descended and homosexual and bisexual men, so they made me feel kinda better, they said that 80% of people show their true hiv status in testing at four weeks?
 

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Thankyou Ann.. I really have been such a stupid tart.. Thankyou for your advice, I'm so grateful, your an amazing person

[RapidRod]

3 months post exposure is when you will be able to obtain a conclusive negative test.

[Ann]

Tiger,

So much for him having the snip, eh? Men. Sorry to hear about the unintended pregnancy. I hope that's all you got from him but you're right, even if you do end up with hiv, it's not the end of the world. It's no longer a death sentence and people are living full lives with it today. It's not without its bad bits, but you'll be ok.

While it is true that some groups have higher incidence of hiv, that doesn't mean you weren't at risk. I don't belong to any of those groups and neither does the man from whom I acquired my infection. He's not gay or bi either.

Today's tests can pick up hiv infection by four weeks, but we recommend waiting for six, as the vast majority of people who have actually been infected will seroconvert and test positive by this time. The average time to seroconversion is 22 days, but that's an average and some will take a bit longer. A negative result at six weeks is highly unlikely to change, but must be confirmed at the three month point. A four week negative has a slightly higher chance of changing in the following two weeks.

Hang in there and let us know when you test. Good luck.

And make sure you take care of that cystitis. Bladder infections can creep up into your kidneys and make you quite ill. You don't want that.

Ann

[Ann]

and PS - don't call yourself a stupid tart. You're young and you made a mistake. The important thing is to learn from your mistake. You're only human, so don't be so hard on yourself.

[Matty the Damned]

Clara,

Oh dear. Sorry to hear about the unwanted pregnancy and the cystitis. Ann has given you good advice there.

I agree with Ann -- you're not a stupid tart, you're just somebody who has made a mistake. And whilst things must seem pretty grim at the moment, it's not the worst mistake ever made.

Believe me, I have made far bigger mistakes.

Nobody here is saying that this is your fault. You'll note that we're rather careful not to use words like "fault" when it comes to a situation like this. It's why I used the "responsibility" earlier in this thread.

Finding fault is never a constructive thing to do. Accepting responsibility (which you have done), on the other hand, is. It means you now understand why using condoms and not taking somebody else's word when it comes to sex is so important.

You're clearly a smart young woman who can learn from her mistakes. That puts you well ahead of a lot of 17 year olds.

Stay strong, follow up on the cystitis treatment, your sexual health testing and keep us posted on how things go.

Fond regards,

MtD

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Thankyou Ann and Matt your my actual hero's seriously <3
I feel so reassured now I know there are people I can talk to and words can't say how grateful I am for that.
I feel that.. The pregnancy.. It feels like it was a ghost of a dream? Like it wasn't happening? I guess emotions will catch up with me sooner or later which I'm dreading..
Ill keep you updated on what happens, I have to go back in a few weeks for one more std like 'do it yourself' test that their gonna give me just to be sure and see how I am and stuff and then the hiv test...
Obviously there are other things like hepititus C that I should worry about as they've told me its more able for easy transmission but ill just take things as they come

Thanks guys, I hope you have such an amazing festive holiday that you truley deserve you angels!!
My freind bought me somthing for christmas called 'worry people' its like a bag full of stick people and you tell them your worries and you put it under your pillow as you sleep and 'apparently' it helps you.. The thought of it is quite comforting and I'm gonna give it a whirl tonight and hopefully get a decent nights sleep thankyou!!

[Matty the Damned]

Thankyou Ann and Matt your my actual hero's seriously <3
I feel so reassured now I know there are people I can talk to and words can't say how grateful I am for that.
I feel that.. The pregnancy.. It feels like it was a ghost of a dream? Like it wasn't happening? I guess emotions will catch up with me sooner or later which I'm dreading..
Ill keep you updated on what happens, I have to go back in a few weeks for one more std like 'do it yourself' test that their gonna give me just to be sure and see how I am and stuff and then the hiv test...
Obviously there are other things like hepititus C that I should worry about as they've told me its more able for easy transmission but ill just take things as they come

Thanks guys, I hope you have such an amazing festive holiday that you truley deserve you angels!!
My freind bought me somthing for christmas called 'worry people' its like a bag full of stick people and you tell them your worries and you put it under your pillow as you sleep and 'apparently' it helps you.. The thought of it is quite comforting and I'm gonna give it a whirl tonight and hopefully get a decent nights sleep thankyou!!

Actually Clara, I wouldn't be that worried about Hepatitis C if I were you. In sexual terms, it's less transmissible than HIV. It's a more robust virus than HIV, but it requires direct blood to blood contact to be spread. Something that doesn't really happen in most cases of unprotected vaginal sex.

These days Hep C is normally transmitted through sharing contaminated needles and syringes.

If your clinic recommends you get Hep C testing then go ahead. Knowing your Hep C status can't hurt. I'm as sure as I can be that you'll be negative for that. Remember that the window period for Hep C is 6 months, not 3 months.

MtD

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Ooh okay I don't think that'll be a risk then thanks!

[tigerlilyfireflies]

I thought that I should ask this even though I really thought i shouldn't have at first due to the embarrasment it will cause me but ill ask.. The age of someone doesn't raise of lower the amount of risk of them passing any sti on right? As the guy was fourty three years old :/ sounds crazy I know.. But really bad and confusing times..like approaching me when I felt worse than shit and undeserving of anything.. Ahh well.. So it wouldn't would it?

[Matty the Damned]

I thought that I should ask this even though I really thought i shouldn't have at first due to the embarrasment it will cause me but ill ask.. The age of someone doesn't raise of lower the amount of risk of them passing any sti on right? As the guy was fourty three years old :/ sounds crazy I know.. But really bad and confusing times..like approaching me when I felt worse than shit and undeserving of anything.. Ahh well.. So it wouldn't would it?

No Clara, his age doesn't affect anything regarding transmitting STDs.

MtD

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Okay.. I emailed him, asking if he'd come for a hiv test but he sent this in reply-

'Didnt say id slept with them and i am sure im free from such things but will be interested in your results. hope your ok obviously'

This is the sort of prat that I was stupid enough to risk everything with..

I really hope everything will be ok.. If everything cocked up I don't think I would be able to live with myself I'm so stupid.. I'm so sorry I brought this on you all

Clara.

[Matty the Damned]

Okay.. I emailed him, asking if he'd come for a hiv test but he sent this in reply-

'Didnt say id slept with them and i am sure im free from such things but will be interested in your results. hope your ok obviously'

This is the sort of prat that I was stupid enough to risk everything with..

I really hope everything will be ok.. If everything cocked up I don't think I would be able to live with myself I'm so stupid.. I'm so sorry I brought this on you all

Clara.

Clara,

He sounds like a real prick.

Whether he gets tested or not isn't going to change things for you. You can only take care of yourself and at this stressful time it's probably best that you focus on yourself and have nothing to do with him.

He has not treated you with the respect you deserve and isn't worth anymore of your valuable time.

Take care,

MtD

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Thankyou, that's exactly what I'm gonna do but I just feel so helpless :/ and because of this fail in my own responsibility I just feel at one moment really angry, the next reeeeally deppressed I find it hard to talk to people, and at other moments I'm fine and thinking of good points if worse comes to worse, but I feel like I'm preparing myself for a positive even though the odds are against it.. But they're still there? :S I'm so uugghh.. But thankyou
Clara.

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Have a good christmas btw!

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Heyy guys.. Hope you had a good crimbo, got a call from the hospital today about abortion and stuff so apart from everything its all ok..

Question:
I know you say symptoms are no good to be talked about here but the drugs I had for my 'cystitus infection' didn't really work :/ still hurts a tiny bit when I pee and I'm incredebly itchy around my vagina with a few pains once in a while, I've also had joint pains in my groin and hip/leg area and pains in my stomach? Should I be concerned or is my worry making it?

Thanks..

[Matty the Damned]

Heyy guys.. Hope you had a good crimbo, got a call from the hospital today about abortion and stuff so apart from everything its all ok..

Question:
I know you say symptoms are no good to be talked about here but the drugs I had for my 'cystitus infection' didn't really work :/ still hurts a tiny bit when I pee and I'm incredebly itchy around my vagina with a few pains once in a while, I've also had joint pains in my groin and hip/leg area and pains in my stomach? Should I be concerned or is my worry making it?

Thanks..

Hi Clara,

Cystitis can take awhile to get better and the symptoms might persist after you finish the treatment. If they don't go away soon contact a health professional.

More generally the symptoms you describe are not those commonly associated with the acute phase of HIV infection.

The reason we say symptoms are not a good guide to one's HIV status is because not everyone gets them, and those who do get symptoms during the acute phase experience what is called a "flu-like" illness. Because just about every viral infection can cause "flu-like" symptoms (including the 'flu! ) we find it more useful to talk about risk behaviours.

As we discussed before, you certianly have been at risk of contracting HIV but that risk is not huge. It's likely that you will test negative. If you're finding the wait stressful, remember that you can test earlier than 12 weeks. A negative test at 4 or 6 weeks is an excellent indicator of a negative test result at 12 weeks.

MtD

[tigerlilyfireflies]

Okays

Ill take a deep breath and shut up now
Thankyouuu!

[Ann]

tiger,

Vaginal itching can be many things, including thrush. It is very common for women to get vaginal thrush while taking antibiotics. I assume you were given antibiotics because you say you were on drugs for the cystitis. You need to see your doctor again to get checked out and to get the remedy for thrush, if that is what it is. It could be other things as well, so you do need to get checked out ASAP. You may also need more meds for the cystitis.

Nothing you are reporting is indicative of hiv infection. However, something is going on and you need to get it seen to.

Ann