How HIV broke my heart

[Iggy]

A friend called me tonight because he was at a bar and needed an intervention from his addiction....not from alcohol, but from an ex that we had nicknamed shithead.

Long story short: friend had personal crisis, shithead happened to call, shithead was (for once) a human and invited him to talk ...a few drinks later my friend and shit head were on a dangerous but well trodded path that would have resulted in a lot of regrets and anger the next day....so I was called.

Sweaty and tired from my day and I went to go help....and when I got there - they were already gone.

Pissed off and just wiped I felt like a drink and since I knew the bartender - he poured me my usual (scotch and a Heineken) without me asking...

and I grumbled...and drank....one round later - I saw him...not my friend (who I realized I was too late for) but "the boy"  The clean untouched beautiful and innocent boy.

Now I don't like guys younger than me- even as I've gotten older I've found so has my taste - but there he was - couldn't have been more than 22-23 and for god's love - he was beautiful.  Yeah it's corny and I knocked myself for saying it but I honestly looked at him and wanted to cry - and I didn't understand why.

Well as luck (bad) would have it - he came over to me immediately and hit me up....I looked desperately for a flaw, a fault, a mispronounced word by him would have fucking sufficed - but no...he didn't give in. There was not a fucking thing extraordinary about him and I don't think anyone would have noticed him on the street - not in this competitive meat market - but he touched something in me that I couldn't place my finger on.

And we talked and the feeling of dread grew....I realized that I wasn't horny for this boy but I was desperate to hold him and invite him back to my place and just spoon him and tell him I would protect him and always take care of him....and then it hit me so hard that I literally gasped out loud....He reminded me of me about 15 years ago.

Maybe it was gut instinct or maybe it was sadism but I asked him if he was poz....and his response made me feel like I was in the twilight zone as I was so certain that it was me talking to me - he said, "No. I've decided to give a shit about myself."

I guess it was cruel but somehow the sting of it wasn't the ignorance of his statement but the truth of it.  And god how I wished I did give a shit about myself five years ago and god how I wish I could be that pure and clean and beautiful again.

I don't hate myself for HIV....but I do hate myself for the reasons why I am HIV poz today.

All this was in my head and I was dead silent to his statement and suddenly he got it and said "oh my God"....so since I felt like I was about to make a sad sack of shit display of myself at the moment - I smiled and pushed my seat away and got up and left.

And like any good addictive personality ran to an addiction that I have been off of for quite a while yet the draw was just too powerful tonight - yeah folks - I just spent over $100 in the local supermarket and have already finished two boxes of egos (with butter and syrup) and am heating up a hungry man pot roast dinner and serious debating going for the jalopena chips and sour cream dip (since anyone worth their salt knows that hungry man meals need 20 minutes in the FUCKING MICROWAVE despite what the box says or else it will be frozen in the middle
...I guess HIV is going to wreak havoc on my heart  one way or the other.  Here's to a heart attack which at least I'll enjoy how I got there.

[momoftwo]

Well if Eggos is your addiction...mine is Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia! That totally sucks that he had to fall from grace that way with that statement. Having HIV has actually made me care more about myself than I ever did before.
I would come over and share the Jalepeno chips with you because dear god that is my craving at the momment however the heartburn would be the death of me!
P.S. the hetero girl in me is sighing that most of the exceptionally hot men are gay. My fiance excluded who alot of people think is gay because of how "groomed and fit" he is.

[milker]

I have mixed feelings about this. I'm not sure it was a good approach to bring the HIV so soon, it's a bit like putting the guy under a cannon and if he doesn't give the right answer then you shoot. You didn't let the conversation continue, he may have actually be a nice guy, his initial words are what you hear in a bar, he meant "i'm playing safe" and you took his answer badly. It must have been devastating for you, I can understand that, but you should have prepared yourself if you were going to shoot the hiv rocket so fast. You could have laughed and replied something like "I wish I gave a shit about myself that night, so anyway what's your name?" and see the reaction.

Milker.

[otherplaces]

I do tend to agree that if we're going to be open about our status we have to be ready to accept a poor response.  At least that is my experience.  Nonetheless, that doesn't excuse someone being callous or ignorant.  Really he sounded like a conceited young man who's probably never been smacked down by the world, which is all fine and dandy, but I'd say an unattractive trait in the end.

brian

[Jeffreyj]

Hi Iggy,
Wow that was a powerful story. It is never easy to hear a negative response to being poz, but I think we all must realize that everyone is entitled to their opinions, good and bad, positive and negative. It is never easy for me when I get a response I don't want to hear. But that just comes with the territory.

Another day in life Iggy, huh? Hope you don't OD on the Eggo's etc. LoL. Thanks for that "real" story.

[Dachshund]

Iggles I get it, and I know it had nothing to do with his response.

Hal

[Dragonette]

I have so many feelings and thought running through my head. This morning I was discussing with my BF how much I learned from the forums, I am in my 30s and I had a lot of sex and I know a lot of people, read a lot, seen an awful lot (and I mean that) but I see a lot of sexual abuse here. Sexual abuse that is abuse of sex and how it spirals into something that is beyond sex, in the same way that the eating that you describe is something that spirals beyond eating, and I think that is what you are talking about. At the same time I found it liberating and I can say that my sexuality has been upgraded by reading accounts (I have not changed anything I do but I have changed completely how I feel while I do them and I became much freer than before).

But having said that I do not see HIV as a "punishment" for being tarred & tainted (the punishment if anything is in the acts themselves but I know that being a woman I just cannot judge that), and I think you have this view, that you did something "wrong" and you got HIV... and that this young guy never did anything wrong, well that is why old people fall in love with children but children are not pure and neither is this guy, he is a symbol. And trust me even without the sexual attraction I know what it's like to see a beautiful young girl, unscarred, untattooed, and how heartbreaking that is. Please take the time to nurture the side of yourself that this person represents.

I hope you understand what I am writing here. I will try to parallel this with venice which I have just come back from. It is decaying, but it is heartbreakingly beautiful in a way that no other place could be. And so can we be.

[Peter6836]

I have to say I get it too! I can understand your feelings totally. I also have nothing else to say. Suppose it is just something we have to work through.
Peter

[Iggy]

q: What's worse than an alcohol hangover and not having any aspirins?

a: A food hangover and accidentally knocking over the roll of toilet paper into the bowl.  Fortunately I have two rolls of Brawny paper towel which I think will suffice.

I thank everyone for their comments and thoughts - all were appreciated.   Hal and I think Peter understood and Dragonette really hit the nail on the head for me on this one -  it didn't have much to do with the kid and his comments (which was just some spooky alternative universe thing that made it all so unnerving) but it was about my feelings of myself that the kid (who as Dragonette said really was a living symbol) arose.

Rereading what I wrote last night I think it sounds a lot darker and more dramatic than I intended and though I dislike that I needed to run to something for comfort, I am glad I didn't go for a worse addiction....of course looking at the two bags of garbage in the kitchen and feeling like there is a brick in my stomach is not really that much of a consolation prize.

The key I guess for me is acceptance of two things:  1.  Acceptance of my anger with myself (for when I converted) and not try to change that emotion as saying it is wrong or icky for me to feel.  2.  Once I have accepted the anger then learn to accept the mistakes I made which I hope take care of the anger on its own.

I guess I am a little surprised at just how much I reacted to the situation though I do hope no one misunderstood it as being too dark which I didn't want it to appear as.  OK - I think I'm rambling now and ironically I'm craving breakfast.  So once again thanks to all again.

[shadow011]

Iggy,

I totally get what you meant. I've been there. Your story reminded me how important it is to embrace ourselves and love ourselves, as you wanted to hold the boy and take care of him. I agree with Dragonnette about the boy being a symbol, presenting the part in us that was ignored, uncared for. The behavior that lead me to being HIV was the uncaring/unloving I had toward myself. I didn't protect myself. The boy is wise when he said "...I decided to give a shit  about myself". I hope he stays true to his words, it would save him from lots of heartaches in his later years.

I have learned there will be rejections in every corner, there will be doors slamming shut, people turning other way. The question I often ask myself is "Will I reject myself also?". It's not easy by any means to deal with rejections. The feeling of being unwanted still rears its ugly head but not as deadly as it once was. With HIV also comes compassion/acceptance/understanding for self and others. This is the gift I got from being HIV. Perhaps without HIV, I would still be the arrogant and callous person that I was. It's not an easy lesson but I appreciate the person that I am now.

Thus it's not too late to say "I've decided to give a shit about myself today and always".

Nurture yourself with love.
Shadows~

[jntmax39]

"No. I've decided to give a shit about myself."
Wow,that is a powerful statement for me,but true. I now say that to myself all the time.
However I can't imagine being single and living with hiv. That always dreaded ?
I admire all of you who live with this everyday.When I read alot of everyones post I can feel your lonelyness.
For myself back when I was single I enjoyed having multiple lovers never thinking that this could happen to me. Then when Aids came about I said well good thing I stopped sleeping around.Little did I know my ex was fuckin anythnig that walked.And even when I did know what he was doing I still said it won"t happen to me.
My point is this: stop beating yourself up. People we end up with don"t carry there health records around and there sure as hell aint gonna tell you they have an std.
If the world was as honest as most of us in here,then it would help the sread of aids,but there are really fucked up people out there who think well if I got this I aint gonna tell anyone,knowbody told me. Unfortunately there are people still out there like that.
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK,AND STAY STRONG. You are not alone.
Janet

[Buckmark]

Iggy,

I can certainly understand how you reacted in this situation with the guy
you met.  There are definitely occasions where people and events can remind
us of who we were when we were younger.  And it's always tempting to
re-think decisions and choices previously made, particularly those that allowed
us to become infected with HIV.

But it can be unproductive to re-visit past decisions, unless one is looking to
understand why they made past decisions so that they can make better decisions
for themselves in the future.  We've all made mistakes -- some have more serious
consequences than others.  Accepting that you've made a mistake, and handling
the associated emotions that accompany it (fear, anger, etc.), and forgiving yourself
isn't easy, but it is so essential to continuing to live your life and making it better.

His comment regarding HIV that he "decided to give a shit about himself" was
unduly harsh in my opinion.  There can be many underlying reasons why folks became
infected with HIV.  But this obviously struck a chord with you.  I hope you
do find a way to decide to give a shit about yourself, and that this incident can
be a catalyst for doing so.

how I wish I could be that pure and clean and beautiful again

I just had to address this comment.  I'd remind you that you really don't know
if he was "clean"  -- or "innocent" or "untouched" as you state above.  I know that
really isn't the point here.  This isn't so much about him, as it is about you.  But
"pure and clean" I think is a particularly loaded phrase for folks with HIV, as we often
think of ourselves as tainted or dirty.  It's hard not to sometimes, but I've found that
kind of thinking can be very destructive.

I prefer to leave the "pure and clean" moniker for drinking water, kitchen floors, and
laundry.  It's too high of a standard for almost anyone to live up to.  But there is no
reason you can't be "beautiful"!

Cheers,

Henry

  

[woodshere]

His comment regarding HIV that he "decided to give a shit about himself" was
unduly harsh in my opinion.  There can be many underlying reasons why folks became infected with HIV.    

I have to agree with Henry.  It was extremely callous and uninformed.  Many, I dare say most of HIV+ did and still do give a shit about ourselves, we just made a mistake or were too trusting. 

A friend of mine has a very similar view regarding people who become infected.  I find it extremely difficult to accept and have limited my time with this person.

Iggy, I think learning to accept our mistakes is one of the most difficult things to do.  But when we do accept it has a very calming effect.

Woods

[Iggy]

Thanks guys - though I think his comment was made from youth ...with youth sometimes being  an excuse by some for being arrogant or nasty in their viewpoints - but regardless it wasn't the power of what he said so much as the power of what it meant to me personally.

Right or wrong it affected me in a way that I will explore and wasn't aware was so raw.

The good news is that I had an awesome workout at the gym today....I guess all the carb building!

[Robert]

..."and have already finished two boxes of egos (with butter and syrup) and am heating up a hungry man pot roast dinner

Now I can believe the story about the kid in the bar.  That's pretty much par for the course.    But ...two boxes of egos(sic)?  That's a little hard to swallow Iggy.  I can't even fathom eating 1 "ego" much less 2 boxes.  All I can say is I'm sooo glad you had a good workout at the gym.  At least that callous kid wasn't all for naught.

robert

[Iggy]

You haven't seen me eat Robert

On a very related note - here I am on a Saturday night in NYC and I'm sitting in my sweats cause I just don't see the purpose of going out - was thinking of the eagle, but then I thought - for what? 

To be a wall flower and hope to make eye contact and then hit it off with someone and then rejection? Last couple of times I went I just spent more money on the video games then I did on the beers - I think I'm withdrawing socially.

It's a little weird because I feel like I am regressing in my ability to deal with HIV and rejection - I swear it felt easier before and I just can't place it the reason why.

[tigger2376]

I was just thinking bout this on thursday.  saw this guy, at a bus stop....just knee tremblingly gorgeous. The old Jo would have at the very least struck up a conversation. I look at myself now...40, overweight coz of the meds, (197lbs at 6'2 tall and female) (thanks for warning me, doctor), positive.
What new man would want me and all the baggage?
I SO understand, quadruple choc biscuits in my case make weight worse, but at least they won't reject you

[Robert]

Aw Iggy.

First of all I've got to tell you, a man in sweats is always sexy.  Whether he is in the gym, a bar, the subway or home alone.  And what's better than sharing that sexy feeling?  Fuck the rejection.  Forget the HIV.  Work on that reclusive feeling that's starting to smother you.  YOu know the only reason I ever liked bars was to feel good about myself.  If I was feeling good I was feeling sexy and getting all the right looks and comments.  I would flirt for days and I loved it because more often than not, that's all I wanted.  I was too socially restrained to want anything more.  When it was time for something more, that's when I went to the baths.  And look where that got me.

So don't look at the bars as place of rejection.  Look at them as reinforcement.  Wear those sexy sweats, or the levis and the boots (and the t-shirt..whoa) and flirt with the boys.  Let them check out that nice ass of yours (especially now, while you still have it.  Once you start the meds, you can kiss that good by).  Just eat it up and feel good.  Right now don't even think about bringing up  HIV.  So you don't go home with somebody.  So what?  Been there.  Done that.  You know what that's all about.  Right now the important thing is to get you back on the social register, so to speak.   ONce you've done that, you'll find working on the HIV and rejection just might not be as difficult as you think it is. 

robert

[Iggy]

YOu know the only reason I ever liked bars was to feel good about myself.  If I was feeling good I was feeling sexy and getting all the right looks and comments.  I would flirt for days and I loved it because more often than not, that's all I wanted.  I was too socially restrained to want anything more.

Ding ding fucking ding we have a winner - Jesus Robert - that part of your post was literally like a smack in my face (in a good way)  I didn't realize that was really it - and why rejection was so powerful lately.  I'm going through a lot with dealing with some past stuff and at the same time realizing that I am turning into a a guy of certain age that no longer can be considered cute....I guess those two things at the same time is making any visit to the bars shaky to begin with when you realize that I am only going there for reinforcements.

I need to rethink my outlets and though I am still likely to go out (yankee game today  I need to start to realize that it's not going to give me what I want in the sense that you described.

You know, frankly I don't know if I was ready for this kind of self revelation this quickly after waking up....I'm gonna go make some egos!

[Robert]

you and your egos....they are all yours dear...

YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THE YANKEES TODAY!!! Oh lucky man.  You know I'm an A's fan. I believe we swept you here at home not long ago.  You gotta promise me. When I ever come to NY again, we go to a Yankee's game.  I've never been to Yankee stadium.  That's something a kid's got to do at least once in his life. The beer and hot dog is on me!

robert

[mudman8]

I too get wistful once in a while when I see one of those clean looking young men. I was too once tbut I think this is a natural way to feel once you realize you're getting older or having our disease reality set in. Callous comments are to be expected and it seems that his comment when he'd realized he'd misspoken taught him a lesson too. We've all been on both sides of this coin by now, several times over.

I fell in love with a guy last year who really gets to me emotionally unlike any other guy. I told him I didn't think I had much more time and been closer to death which makes me more emotional. He took me more seriously after that