I hate to see what HIV did to my friends, and yes, what it did to me.

[heartforyou]

Friends,

I have been crying a lot today. Supersensitive and very emotional.
This is what I feel : FUCK HIV and these are words  you will rarely hear from my mouth.

I cried over so many colleagues lost. I even wrote a poem about them once.

"In memory of my 150 Lufthansa colleagues flight attendants lost to AIDS "

I held you in my arms and felt the sorrow and the pain
from all those who departed us, too early and in vain.
As leaves on a tree I feel them now, no longer stewards in the sky.
The wind listens to them and asks them : why?

I cried today over what HIV and AIDS has done to
Moffie
JeffreyJ
Dan J
Matty
Eric/Life
Jan
Rick
Rocky
Robert
Bucko
Jody
Rich
Joemutt
Siang
Joe
Mike tn boy
and so many more

it took away so much of their future. It smashed their dreams. It made these good people suffer. Made them loose their jobs. Loose their bodies.

And yes, I cry over how HIV has derailed my life, my mind, my soul.
I realised today that AIDS has make me suffer so much, it made me suffer so fucking much. More then I can take today.
I just hate it. I hate HIV and what it did to so many of my good friends.

FUCK YOU VIRUS. FUCK YOU.

[Moffie65]

Hermie,

Your account is one of a very rich and blessed person.  Think of all the postive energy you are mustering up by calling out all these memories.  Think of all the power has come from both those who fought this disease and lost, and the short list of many of those who have yet to loose this fight!  All that energy, fighting and winning, wow.  Center yourself on that energy, it is ours and ours alone to claim.  As you have called out this afternoon to many of us here, we call back, sending some of that energy and power that we use daily to keep on walking beside you and giving you strength to move on and heal your body, mind and spirit.

Herman, I cry with you, yet I also laugh with you, and celebrate joy.  Look for the light, look for things that will bring you joy, and shun anything negative.  Like the difference of approaches I take when I read your words, and the way that it was delivered by you, tells me volumes about your current state of mind.  Get control of the negative thoughts, and don't let them in.  You need not accept anything that will damage your balance anymore than it is now. 

Please know we love you Herman.

Love.
(who cries here far too much!)

[Matty the Damned]

Hermie,

Everything you say in this thread is true. But Daddy Tim is right too. For all the terrible things that are happening to us, there are some powerful good ones as well.

Darling I know that you've battled the dreaded Black Dog (depression) for a long time now and you better than any of us understand it's cruel ways. There will be days which are almost unbearably grim and this, I think, is one of them.

There is always cause for hope and I can see that hope in your original post. One of the reasons I am so painfully fond of you Hermie is your concern for others. I think that there is something perversely wonderful that even when you're feeling utterly dreadful like you are today, you still think of others.

And I'm deeply moved to be one of those others.

But sweetheart don't forget yourself. Pursue that treatment for your depression. You can beat the Black Dog.

Much love,

Matty the Damned

[water duck]

We are each the authors of our own lives, we live in what we have created. There is no way to shift the blame and no one else to accept the accolades !!

So, tell me, darling what happens ?? You had found a new God called HIV and start to worshipped it and let it tell you how to live your life or YOU JUST GOING TO just put it in the can and put the lid on !! I am not going to let this happen AGAIN . I am going to come over and kick your ass so hard, you can forget the lotion or your finger !!

CRYING, darling, you think we just got this virus yesterday, got no more tears left, why don't you go out there, bite life with all your teeth ( those that are still around  ) laugh, live and not be a slave to this xxxx ( i never use the 4 letter word around here, i will not try ) virus called HIV .

Call, when you need, i am at the other end of the line !! the thing to remember is "check mate" this virus or any for that matter, is as old as humanity.

Yours

[heartforyou]

Today is the last day of my old life.
I have moved most of my stuff and tomorrow I will close off the chapter of my "Wellness" adventure.

The aftermath is still hanging over me as a dark cloud.  Still not sure I much debt I will be left with.

I know I have friends on here that care for me. And it is of the biggest importance to feel your support.
Nobody without HIV really knows what that virus does to us.

Tim, I will come over soon and cry on your shoulder. And laugh at the cosmic joke that our life finally is.

Matty, with-the-nose-for-emergencies. I will think of myself more. But I was raised by a mother "Theresa", who always thought of the others first. HIV learned me to stop some people in my life. I hope I will be able to help myself more, with the aid of some antidepressants and some therapy.
But also by surrounding myself with all of you. Thank you and congrats on your  results.

Siang, my friend. You have been a lighthouse in the last few weeks. A beacon in the dark and a hand to hold, when my eyes could not see no more. The tears are drying up. I will survive.
Thank you for the gifts, both in friendship and in material.

OK...I am closing off my computer here for the last time. The next signing on will be form my new "temporarely" home.

Love

Herman

[AlanBama]

Herman,

sending you love and light, and praying that your pain and sorrow is lessened.

You have every right to be mad at HIV.   The anger and frustration are things we deal with on a daily basis; we're all entitled to a bad day now and then.

love & hugs,

Alan

[RAB]

Today is the last day of my old life.

I have moved most of my stuff and tomorrow I will close off the chapter of my "Wellness" adventure.

And with leaving your "old life" behind, you can move forward to a new life.  A life without the pressure and stress of your business.  I know how much of a burden it was for you and now it's time to be free from it.


I know I have friends on here that care for me. And it is of the biggest importance to feel your support.
 Yes you do, and yes it is.  Don't forget that.

Love

Herman

Herman:

I wish I knew more to say, but I never do when responding to someone who is struggling with the burden of depression. It's frustrating to feel so unable to provide something meaningful and helpful in easing that burden.  So I'll just say I wish brighter tomorrows for you and a heart full of the joy you strive to give others.  Be well buddy.

RAB

[Dan J.]

Herman,

Don't look at today as being the last day of your old life, but the first day of a new one. A new beginning for Y.O.U.  One that is well deserved and much needed. I know your living situation will be temporary but this will give you some time to find an apartment in an area that you like.

Please don't cry for me for what HIV has done to my life & body. I ran out of tears YEARS AGO over my hiv status. You get depressed, I get angry and moody... Don't we make a pair?

Yesterday you seemed so disconnected on msn, I have never seen you like that before.  Maybe your depression is situational? You're going through so many changes at once it can be hard to process. & Especially after last months episode.

Remember to take care of Hermie first, & we promise to do the same for ourselves so we can lean on each other when times are tough. Isn't that what FRIENDS do?

Love,

Dan J.

[Bucko]

Hermie-

As Siang and others have said, we are living the lives we were born to live, and doing a hell of a job with them, too.

It is easy and logical to feel as though HIV has taken away some potential other life, but frankly I can't imagine what such an other life would entail. The first time I recognized AIDS in someone I knew was 1983, when I saw an old fuckbud of mine walking down a sidewalk in Boston, his face covered with KS lesions. He crossed the street to avoid me. We were both in our early 20s.

So HIV/AIDS has been with me forever, in a way it's the defining qualifier of my life. I've tried fighting, I've tried ignoring. I'm in acceptance mode right now. See, continuously combatting my fears and the stigma others attach to the virus (and us) has left me deeply pragmatic. It seems like the only sane course of action.

And although my philosophy doesn't allow for "blessings", I still consider myself damn lucky for what I've been able (and still am able) to accomplish with this life, HIV and everything. And given the sad reality of my family, addiction and depression would have followed me even without HIV. I've been bowed but never broken.

And I am certain that without HIV, I'd have been too busy to consider writing anything, and we'd have certainly never met. One cannot cherry-pick out the good in one's life without understanding that everything is a consequence of previous events and actions, and the bad comes with the good, hand-in-hand.

Please take care of yourself, Hermie. I love you too much to see you waste needless tear on my situation. It's not dire...right now it's actually really good. I'm flush with hope and optimism for a new life shared with someone very special, Joseph (Strayboy74), whom I met right here.

If you were here I'd cradle you in my arms and coo little French whispers in your ear. Since I cannot do that right now in real life, consider it done in virtual life.

Brent
(Who wishes Hermie would post more often on The Spin Cycle)

[Matty the Damned]

For some perspective, here is the poem Hermie refers to in his original post.

MtD

/edited to correct a small spelling error/

[Iggy]

Herman,

Your pain in this post is so strong it hurts me to read it - I want to say so much for you and to you and I feel impotent.

I hate what you are suffering through right now and I hope there is a chance to move away from this for you

[anniebc]

Dearest Hermie

A friend sent this to me when I was first diagnosed...it helped me to realize I wasn't alone in all this..I hope in some small way it will help you

We can't give solutions to all of your life's problems or fears.
But we can listen to you, and together we can search for answers.

We can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
But we can be there when you need us to care.

We can't keep your from stumbling.
But we can only offer our hands so that you don't fall..

Your decisions in life are ours mine to make, or to judge;
But we can support you when you ask for our help

We can't prevent you from falling away from friendships,from your values, or from us
But we can pray for you, and wait for you to come back to us

We can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But we can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

We can't tell you who you are or who you should be
We can only love you and be your friends.

A stupid work accident threw me into the world of HIV and I was angry for a long time, angry because I wasn't more careful, angry because it took me away from a job I loved, but I soon got tired of being angry with everything and everyone and that's when I decide that I was going to be the one in charge, I was going to take control of this virus and take control of my life again..but I needed help, so I called out , just like you are doing now and with the help of some great guys here on the forum I eventually did it...I know anger and depression are two very different things...and I know it can't be easy coping with depression and HIV, I can only hope that one day you will be able to take control again.

You are a wonderful man, I've known that since the moment I met you in the Lobby of our hotel in Toronto...remember how great that was?

Matty summed it up perfectly with his reply

 

There is always cause for hope and I can see that hope in your original post. One of the reasons I am so painfully fond of you Hermie is your concern for others. I think that there is something perversely wonderful that even when you're feeling utterly dreadful like you are today, you still think of others.

Love and hugs always
Jan

[Jeffreyj]

I am a better person for having Hermie in my life.