1 month in, depression, fallout, hope?

[cellardoor]

Background:  I am a 30 yr old bi female.
Diagnosed Attention Deficit in 2000
Diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder in 2007
Diagnosed Bipolar II in 2013
Binge drinker 2004 ish-2014
Recreational Pot 2006-2014
Moderate Recreational use to Daily Pot 2014-2015
Crystal Meth November 2014-March 26, 2015
Tested for HIV Feb 24th, 2015 (blood drawn @ health dept)
Positive results March 10,2015:
Syphilis RPR: Non Reactive
HIV Combo Antigen/Antibody EIA: Reactive to HIV-1,2,0
HIV Multispot HIV-1,2: Positive for HIV-1 antibodies

     Immediately told my boyfriend who I always had unprotected sex with, as well as shared needles for crystal meth. Took him to the health dept, did an oral swab quick test, positive. The also drew his blood to send off for confirmatory test. He did not go back to health dept for results, but did go to Emergency Room for bleeding stomach ulcer, they did blood work. We stayed together until Mar 26, and then tried to work things out but as of Easter weekend we are completely done, no contact what-so-ever.
     I don't know if I got it from him, or he got it from me. He is bisexual and has had unprotected encounters in the past with other men. As far as I know, I am the only person he has shot up drugs with or shared needles with. I have had unprotected sex with some other men that I am letting the health dept contact for testing.
     My meth addiction got pretty bad fairly quickly. When I received the positive test results, I turned to my parents for support as well as my boyfriend. It wasn't a healthy relationship but I was desperate and the drugs skewed my perception of reality. Of course I told my parents about my drug use. I had already wanted to stop but couldn't. In the process of getting help for my new + status, I quit all drugs and alcohol, and I am trying really hard to not have contact with any of my drug people.
     I have lost all my "so called friends", trying to get back in graces with my drug free friends. Trying to come to terms with my new + status. Trying to make better life choices and show my parents I can be responsible. All of this while not being on my psych meds because I decided when I started doing the meth I didnt need them. I have been an absolute hott mess. I let myself get involved with this guy (boyfriend) knowing that he was incapable of having empathy...and the more I stayed with him the more I learned that he teeters somewhere between sociopathy and psychopathy. I loved him still. I am having a very difficult time getting him out of my heart and mind.
    There is hope I suppose, my Dr is very encouraging. I start a new temporary job this coming Monday. I am drug free and only had a few cravings. My bipolar depression is starting to get better but thats a long road. Things are looking up, just really tired of all the stumbling blocks, and having to hurry up and wait.

[zach]

Hey cellar, welcome to the party.

Would you believe me if I said I read your post as pretty positive? Sounds like you've made incredible progress getting your shit together fast.

This is not an easy life we've chosen. And it was a choice, whether it was choosing to have unprotected sex, or choosing to share a needle. No judgement, I've done both in my time as well. Don't beat yourself up too bad. We're all too human, forgive yourself and love yourself.

You talk about a good relationship with your doctor, that is a huge plus. Is that an HIV specialist? Have you had viral load and cd4 lab works done? Are you on hiv meds?

Wishing you luck in the fight, it ain't easy but it gets better. Stay off meth, it's nasty shit. And no more binge drinking.  The blocks we face are hard enough without adding obstacles.

Take care of yourself, hope you hang out. On that note, I'm gonna go smoke my daily bowl. 

[wolfter]

Welcome to the forums.  As Zach says, your post reads like you're heading in the right direction.  You'll find lots of support here and probably make some incredible friends too.

I wouldn't waste one more moment of wondering who gave what to whom.  I played that ridiculous game for a long time and in the grand scope of things......it doesn't really matter as you both equally played a role. 

Best of luck and take care of yourself.  Look forward to hearing more from you.

wolfie

[realitycheck]

hey cellardoor, welcome. sorry to hear of you diagnosis. Im pretty new to the game too, found out I was positive beginning of february.

As others have said the how you got it is not worth focussing on, pretty much all of us in this situation made a decision to do something that we knew in the back of our minds could get us infected. Its happened, we just got to move on from here no sense blaming ourselves or anyone else.

its good you are seeing a doctor and making the right moves. before long you will be where I'm at, knocking this virus into check with the meds. good luck to you.

[mecch]

Hi cellardoor.
That's a great post.  I like your post and I like you, too.
Welcome here.
Maybe avoid piling too many challenges. You just plowed through so many. Bravo.

Take the time to do well at your temp job. Get into the groove or ordinary daily life. Get to feel OK with being HIV+.  Slowly build the new friendships. It doesn't all happen at whiplash speed, even though you're pretty damned determined and show a lot of grit.

[Sean123]

Hi Cellardoor,

Past is past!. What important is to see the way you progress through this journey.It's a great,great news to hear that you are now drug free!. I'm sure now you have a higher level of self confidence. Like someone mentioned, remember that we are all humans!. It's doesn't matter what you have done, It's all gone now.You have to live it now and glad that you chose the right path to walk!.

I will always have you and the rest of the people here in my prayers. I was recently tested and came out as Negative.Until my results were out i too lived the same life as you do now.Having the feeling that i may be hiv+ out me on the right track.I'm here to fight for people how are already infected!

You all are in my prayers!

[Andy Velez]

Sean, you need to stop posting in this forum. However well intentioned you maybe, our rules do not permit anyone who is HIV negative to post other than in the AM I Infected forum.

If you do it again you are going to get a Time Out or even be banned.

[Joe K]

Sean,

You have been asked not to post outside the Am I Infected forum and still you continue to ignore our requests.  This is the fourth time you have posted outside of your thread and now you are banned.

Joe