I Visit the Doctor: Illiustrated by Matty the Damned (Moist Interesting) Part 1

[Matty the Damned]

So I went to see Frau Eva. I did not want to see her. She is mean and wears a monocle. But she said that if I didn't present in person I would have no more government subsidised HIV medicine scripts and I would die.

Socialist Medicine Makes Matty Strong!

It is hard to argue with that logic.

So, I boarded the 0906 service from Boolaboolabongbong to Katoomba. The help had not been through.

I shall have a Gloria Jeans Vente Mild and a Hairy Drum Stick!

There are lots of rules on a New South Welsh Train. Obedience is a virtue.

Have you read our Welcome Thread?

It was a long trip. I needed to have a wee. But the toilets smelled of poo and regret.

No thank you, I can wait.

Finally we arrived at Katoomba! There were many filthy hippies on the platform. Sadly, none of them threw themselves under the train.

Jump damn you!

I could restrain myself no longer. I had to have a wee. Little did I know that I would come to regret this decision. The pink things are called "trough lollies". You should not eat them.

Behold my mighty torrent!

It is a long walk from the train station to the AIDS clinic. I had to cross a highway.

Car goes vrooom!

And walk past the Council Chambers!

Civic Daddy within!

Further down the street there was a tree with bees!

No, we are not the AIDSmeds Womens' Forum. We just sting that way.

Along the way I found a job opportunity for Rapid Rod.

Only Michelle Obama dances on a public pole!

Finally I arrived at the hospital.

Even the flowers are socialist pink!

I had to walk past the drug addict needle dispensing machine. Shocking!

It's the feel of the steel, baby!

But eventually I arrived at Zion.

Give us your children. What we can't fuck, we eat.

Unusually, I did not have to wait. Frau Eva ushered me directly into her lair.

Roll on your side and pull your knees against your chest.

It was at this point she told me I would have to wee in a jar. But I had been at the Station!

No deal. I had to put out again. She treats me like shit.

I am as empty as a tea bagger's head.

So I drank from the toilet. The Mythbusters reckon it is the cleanest thing going. After five minutes I was ready. But while I waited I noticed this poster on the wall.

If you really loved me you'd swallow that.

Which proves my clinic is a libertaran clinic. You're expected to swab yourself here. I think Rapid Rod would feel very comfortable in this place. Particularly as you can be all Republican mouth but let the guvinmint pick up the bill!

So thinking of Rapid Rodney Anal Swab, I filled the jar.

Friendship is a jar full of warm piss. Thank you for being my friend Rodney!

There are many more pictars which I shall post in Part 2.

Eat me you filthy bitches,

MtD

[anniebc]

Looking forward to part 2.. when will the book go to print? a good bedtime story for the grandies I think, they love a good picture book...

Hugs
Jan

[BT65]

I'm in total anticipation of Part 2.  And curious about how everything came out.  I really needed an entertaining, interesting read this morning, so as usual, thank you Sweet D.O.   That really held my interest.  Now please hurry up with Part 2!

[Matty the Damned]

Part 2 is mainly about a sandwich. And the pub. After the sandwich I was thirsty and had to visit the pub.

Well really it's more pub than sandwich. But the sandwich is good. That said, the beer is better.

There is a community mural as well. It has a flying saucer in it.

MtD

[emeraldize]

I like this. I had a vicarious vacation in Australia a minute ago. Looking forward to the sandwich/beer part.

[GSOgymrat]

Thank you for this intimate glimpse into a strange socialistic world where people ride in trains, healthcare is paid for and water swirls down the drain in the wrong direction.

[ElZorro]

  Hoping it will be picked up for a movie of the week.

[Inchlingblue]

How pozitively delightful!

[OneTampa]

Matty,

Loved your story!  Can't wait for the next installment.

By the way, was that your voluptuous leg in the the second frame? 

[RAB]

Part 2 is mainly about a sandwich. And the pub. After the sandwich I was thirsty and had to visit the pub.

Well really it's more pub than sandwich. But the sandwich is good. That said, the beer is better.

There is a community mural as well. It has a flying saucer in it.

MtD

Are you like the Aussies we saw in Sydney and drink your beer warm?  That's so not right to me.

RAB   

[HippieLady]

That was a wonderful journey you took us on Matty!  I had a splendid time. 

[skeebo1969]

    That was a healthy stream of piss bro....  I would have had to use that to hit the toilet seats in all the stalls.  Yes, I am the guy that does that.  Thanks for the Saturday morning adventure.

[Billy B]

Matty- Why do they want a person to jab a q tip up their ass?
Billy

[Jeff G]

Matty- Why do they want a person to jab a q tip up their ass?
Billy

Haven't you heard ? Australians have a third ear located in they're asshole 

[Granny60]

Haven't you heard ? Australians have a third ear located in they're asshole 

   Matty thanks for sharing your adventure.   It was like a a vacation to those of us staying inside out of the cold.

[woodshere]

This was great.  Careful of the camera over the urinal, I fully appreciate multi tasking, but sometimes the result of using a hand held device while pissing ends up with a bad outcome (spoken from experience).  Hope pt 2 has some more toilet shots, they just do something to me!

[wtfimpoz]

Oh Matty, after spending hundreds of dollars on Australian porn, I was hoping to see some more amateur tinkle action and maybe even a vivid reflection in the silvery open trough urinal thing.  Sadly, all I got was pictures of a beautiful country and a reminder of what a frigid, grimy Darwinian hellhole I live in.

[Joe K]

Nice trip, but I am waiting for the installment that covers your colon/rectal exam.

[eric48]

...Along the way I found a job opportunity for Rapid Rod....


I first thought you meant a new BF  LOL

Eric

[Oceanbeach]

And I thought my new HIV clinic was upscale because we have valet parking... Maybe you could make this a coffee table book which would make the New York Times Best Seller list.  I would buy a copy and display it proudly, right next to "Urban Trees"    Have the best day
Michael
(who took the Express Bus for 3 hours to the HIV clinic)

[tednlou2]

I could see your penis in the reflection of the urinal.  That train pic reminds me of that video of that man who committed suicide by jumping on top and touching the electric lines.  Did everyone go back to see if they could see your junk?

I enjoyed the picture story.  I felt like I was right there with you and then you telling me to stop bugging you or get the hell of the train.  I would like to see more.   

[skeebo1969]

I could see your penis in the reflection of the urinal.   Did everyone go back to see if they could see your junk?

I see dirty fingernails...

[Miss Philicia]

I can't quite make out a shriveled needle dick in the reflection Teddy -- maybe you should provide more details.

[Ann]

I can't quite make out a shriveled needle dick in the reflection Teddy -- maybe you should provide more details.

Look at where the stream of piss hits the back of the urinal. Then follow the reflection of the stream of piss up the back of the urinal until you hit pay dirt. Discount the brighter white light reflection the reflected piss travels through to its source. Don't forget he's uncut, so don't be looking for in-depth definition.

I didn't notice until Teddy said he could see it. I just had to scroll back up and scrutinise the situation to see if it was true or a figment of Ted's active imagination.

[GSOgymrat]

You people are desperate to see some Damned penis.

[Miss Philicia]

You folks are making shit up.

[Ann]

You people are desperate to see some Damned penis.

Yeah, well, he's built like a horse (a Shire, to be exact) so everyone's curious if he's hung like one too.

You folks are making shit up.

Maybe it's just time you invested in some good reading glasses.

[Miss Philicia]

Maybe it's just time you invested in some good reading glasses.

Actually I do need to go for an eye exam.

Yeah, well, he's built like a horse (a Shire, to be exact) so everyone's curious if he's hung like one too.

If he is hung then it's being wasted on a Big Ole Mary Bottom.

[skeebo1969]

Look at where the stream of piss hits the back of the urinal. Then follow the reflection of the stream of piss up the back of the urinal until you hit pay dirt. Discount the brighter white light reflection the reflected piss travels through to its source. Don't forget he's uncut, so don't be looking for in-depth definition.

I didn't notice until Teddy said he could see it. I just had to scroll back up and scrutinise the situation to see if it was true or a figment of Ted's active imagination.

Ann's right, it's right next to the thumb.  Ann, can you see the thumbnail as well?

[komnaes]

I guess you see what you want to see.. I think I see a fountainhead .. 

[Granny60]

quite clear and very lovely!  Who would have ever thought we could get Aussie porn at such a discount?  Who can't love an uncut man?  

[woodshere]

Ok, if what i think i see is what i think it is....I AM IN LOVE!!

[Matty the Damned]

You people are nasty sex perverts, seeing penises where even to the naked eye there would appear to be none.

I cannot see my penis under the best of conditions, so I know you lot cannot see it reflected in the pisser wall as photographed by a shitty phone camera. I suspect Tedderz is mistaking a big gollie hawked on the trough by a homeless man for my weenie. I have made that mistake myself on occasions.

I do not have a massive pensu. I have standard white man equipment. I accepted this cruel deficiency of nature a long time ago when I was at boarding school and so should the rest of you.

As my Nanna always said, "more than a mouthful is a waste and a little never goes astray," Wartime rationing made her a very practical woman.

Yes, that is my own shapely calf on the train seat. Note placing one's feet on a train seat is a Serious Criminal Offence. I am an outlaw!

More pictars at some point today when I get my test results.

MtD

[eric48]

I cannot see my penis under the best of conditions
MtD

That IS the problem...Gotta loose some weight ;-)

LOL

Eric

[Matty the Damned]

Are you like the Aussies we saw in Sydney and drink your beer warm?  That's so not right to me.

RAB   

This is an appalling slander. We drink our beer cold. As cold as charity, in fact. It is the English who drink their beer warm.

And possibly New Zealanders.

MtD

[WillyWump]

You people are nasty sex perverts, seeing penises where even to the naked eye there would appear to be none.

No, it's there...It looks like a little mushroom cap. Matty you should have fluffed before the big camera scene.

-Will

[phildinftlaudy]

Matty-
Can we bind these into book form ? The Grants Committee could also sell it to raise funds for AMG 2011 - along with the Recipe Book - a box set of sorts. 

[WillyWump]

Matty-
Can we bind these into book form ? The Grants Committee could also sell it to raise funds for AMG 2011 - along with the Recipe Book - a box set of sorts. 

I think it should be in all Kindergarten classes nationwide.

-W

[Matty the Damned]

Matty-
Can we bind these into book form ? The Grants Committee could also sell it to raise funds for AMG 2011 - along with the Recipe Book - a box set of sorts. 

Sorry. The Peoples' Revolutionary Tribunal has already put dibs on the rights. Maybe the Grants Committee can get some of the wads of $100 notes that Peter Staley uses to prop up the short leg on his coffee table? If you have trouble contacting him there is a fella in NOLA who can help you out.

Numbers are back. CD4 258 Abs/14 % and VL is detectable but <40 copies per doohickey³. Apparently I have elevated creatinine levels, whatever they are.

So I walked back from the Clinic and on the way I found unexplained poo. It tasted like dog, most likely a pomeranian. An unhealthy pomeranian.

Ripple soled shoes can be a curse.

Big Brother was watching.

It's ok. I am law abiding

The Frumpy Womens' Collective for Peace and Wheatgrass had made a powerful statement in organic fibreglass.

Does this make my yoni look big?

I was still hungry. So I visited a popular franchise for lunch. Chipotle FTW!

I will have one bland tasting sandwich that smells funny, please.

After lunch, I couldn't find another pomeranian to take the nasty taste out of my mouth. So I opted to visit the Public House. I asked for and received a refreshing ale. For the record it was perishingly cold and quite delishus.

I'll have a Black!

As luck would have it, my cronies and associates were also at the Pub.

Including Stevala! We are good friends. If I wasn't circumcised we'd be dick twins.

This better not end up on the Interwebs.

And Angus! He only drinks pre-mixed bourbon.

Sorry ladies, he has a girlfriend.

Rachel was there too! She drinks VB. But otherwise she's a top sheila.

Stop sticking coins between my teeth. I am not a vending machine.

Also present was Aunty Jas. She is a Wiradjuri woman. She drinks VB too, but dilutes the ghastly flavour with ice cubes.

Don't fuck with me, Whitey.

After a little while Bad Benny G showed up. He drinks Toohey's New and is fashionably thin.

I have to run around in the shower to get wet.

Aunty Sonja arrived about 30 minutes after Bad Benny G. She is also a Wiradjuri woman. She prefers Carlton Draught.

Who are you calling tribal, fuckhead?

I don't know who this fellow is. But he was a proud holder of "alternative" opinions. I think he drinks aviation fuel straight from the truck. He's living proof that certain hats can make a person into a total dickhead.

No really man. Global warming causes tsunamis.

Anyway at around this point I lost interest in taking photos. It was intefering with my beer consumption and pot acquisition agenda.

MtD

[tednlou2]

I like the road sign with just the legs.  What does that mean?  If you cross, you'll end up with your legs chopped off?  Seriously, I enjoyed your picture story/diary or whatever ya call it.  I need to make it there sometime. 

[Granny60]

So Matty dear,  looking at the picture of the  directory at the clinic, do they not know how to  draw a picture of the weed they dispense,  or do you Aussies smoke green Poinsettias instead?

[OneTampa]

So THAT is why the rumours stated about Penny Marshall disappearing and changing her name to Modest in order to work undercover as a human vending machine.

Part of her past life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lnl2JfVfTaE&feature=related

[HARLEY_B]

So Matty, you really know how to make the trip to the doc enjoyable. Love the pics right down to the crap in the streets. I almost thought my own dog was loose since he likes to shit right on the concrete. But he's a sweety..like you seem to be...thanks for making us smile.

                                                                                       Tim

[fearless]

I like the road sign with just the legs.  What does that mean?  If you cross, you'll end up with your legs chopped off?  Seriously, I enjoyed your picture story/diary or whatever ya call it.  I need to make it there sometime. 

That is the symbol for a zebra crossing.

Matty - are you still using the liquid capsule norvir? and, did you ask about the 60 days supply per script.

[Matty the Damned]

That is the symbol for a zebra crossing.

Matty - are you still using the liquid capsule norvir? and, did you ask about the 60 days supply per script.

I'm on the last of my gelcap norvir right now. I've got two bottles of New Improved Tablet Norvir! waiting and ready to go.

And no, I forgot to ask Der Frau about the 60 day scripts.

I'll ring her on Wednesday.

MtD

[thunter34]

OMG...those old gelcap Norvirs.  ::shudder::

I almost feel a gag wanting to happen just thinking about those dreadful things.  The newer tablets...it's like it's not even the same drug to me.  It was the same way with those bright orange Kaletra gels I used to have to swallow.

I think you're gonna really like them...as much as one can like swallowing pills that don't offer a buzz.

[Matty the Damned]

The gelcaps have never been a huge issue for me, I don't even bother keeping the fuckers in the fridge.

Except for when I wondered what the stuff inside tasted like so I pricked one and sucked out the goop. Now that was nasty.

Apparently I'm the last one in New South Wales to be on 'em or something. They wanted to use up the supply they had before changing me over to the tablets.

MtD

[thunter34]

The gelcaps have never been a huge issue for me, I don't even bother keeping the fuckers in the fridge.

Except for when I wondered what the stuff inside tasted like so I pricked one and sucked out the goop. Now that was nasty.

Apparently I'm the last one in New South Wales to be on 'em or something. They wanted to use up the supply they had before changing me over to the tablets.

MtD

I just never got used to them.  I think most of it was probably a residual mental thing because of how horribly sick I got from them at the outset.  I mean let's face it:  if you told me I'd roll off of 'em, I'd probably be able to down a fistful in one swallow.

But even as much as I hated them, I downed every last one of the gels I still had before I started on the tablets.  I don't like the thought of wasting pills, so I get the supply thing.  But I didn't think anyone outside of Africa was still using the old gelcaps.

[fearless]

I only changed to the tablet a couple of months back, for the same reason. Be careful though, i've sharted myself a couple of times recently - i never did that on the gelcaps.

ps. am loving the volleys.

and, no half flush option?

[Matty the Damned]

ps. am loving the volleys.

They're my dress volleys. For doctors visits, funerals and court appearances.

and, no half flush option?

Nope. Fuck that greenie shit. Didn't you hear? The drought! She broke! 

MtD