Cliche, but it happened

[bigboy56]

I had an intercourse with a guy I met online.
We had a coffee meeting before and this time he invited me to his house to dinner.
So it was still an one night stand but I thought we built some bonds.

When we got naked I asked him if he was safe (I know it was not a good way to ask) and he said yes. I also asked when he got tested and he said three months ago. So I assumed neg.
As it processes I asked him if he wanted to intercourse and he said yes. "Use lube" was his answer.

Usually I am a safe sex person, but being a top loosened up my inhibition and I screwed him without a condom. I know it's stupid but happened.

While he was in shower, something tickled my nerves and I checked his refrigerator. There was a box of meds and I googled it. Yes, it was HIV treatment.

I was very panicked, got dressed up and ran away.
When I was back home I texted him "I know you are poz. Are you undetectable?" and he answered "Yes, now leave me alone."

Now I am not all ignorant about the situation. As a top, my risk is minimum or may not even exist (It was obvious that he was on meds). I checked PEP in my area but I could not find one offers in during weekends. I also have health insurance limbo right now. My rational conclusion is, HIV is not likely my problem but I'd better get tested for other STDs in a month.

Another thing bugs me is his attitude. I understand he can be embarrassed but obviously he did a wrong thing. In the state I am living in, the failure of disclosing of your HIV status is a felony.

I understand he thought it was 'safe' in his shoes, but also I feel very frustrated to be deceived. It's very shameful because I thought he was a nice guy and if he were honest with me from the first, I would not have walked out. Probably I would have found a way to enjoy without causing this turmoil.

What will you do for the first, if you were I? Call the doctor? Police? 

 

[RapidRod]

Blame the other person for your ignorance. That's always a good way to start.

[jkinatl2]

First, let me say that consensual sex between adults is just that, consensual. You chose not to wear a condom. I am adamantly against the criminalization of HIV. Study after study shows that the laws are haphazard, based often on faulty science, do NOTHING to decrease HIV infections, but INCREASE stigma and reduce the number of people getting tested.

Now, you have this guy's word that he was/is undetectable. Of course, take that with a grain of salt. Just because I don't believe in criminalization of HIV does not mean that I don't think it was an asshole move to not disclose AND not insist on condoms. Either or, maybe. Both is, pardon the phrase, a dickish move. Maybe/hopefully his test to you showed panic and guilt. Or maybe he's a sociopath. Who knows?

As for your risk, as a top (and assuming that he is UD) ou were basically having safer sex, barring some random outlier like an open wound on your penis (herpes, syphilis) and/or extreme tearing of his anus before the intercourse (novice fisting, for example.) But even these things would be highly unlikely to result in HIV infection, since undetectable means pretty much just that, and with today's standards that probably means less than fifty (maybe less than five) viral particles per unit. To compare, a high viral load can be in the millions.

Many straight serodiscordant couple choose to conceive naturally when the positive partner is undetectable, with exceedingly few instances of infections to the negative partner or baby. As a matter of fact, and Ann would have to research this, it happens a lot in the Women's Forum, and I have yet to hear of a transmission. More and more often, gay/bi men do the same thing, though they rarely conceive as a result.

Of course, the situations I described were part of mature adults negotiating safer sex options, and obviously being in a committed relationship makes trusting your partner easier/possible. Trusting a random, even seemingly sweet and smart and nice guy about his HIV status or viral load is, for a HIV negative person, not the wisest of all possible options.

As a top, your risk was vanishingly small, assuming of course your partner was truly UD. Since you don't have that assurance, I recommend a test at six weeks, followed by a definitive test at three months. I have every faith that you will come out of this negative.

The guy was dishonest in his role when negotiating safer sex, plain and simple. I do not think that should be a criminal act, as you are a grownup capable of accepting or rejecting any and all negotiations. Doesn't stop me from thinking it's a crappy thing for him to do, any more than I think it rather irresponsible to pile in raw with only vague assurances. I see two "wrongs" here. Calling the police, in my opinion, only makes a third wrong, and does no quantifiable good to you, him, or the community at large.

Sorry if I come across as harsh here. I chose to respect your status as an adult male who is competent to make his decisions, and prepared to accept the responsibility for those decisions. Any other reply, though perhaps comforting, would serve only to infantilize you.

[bigboy56]

Thank you for your answer, jkinatl2. Your words are not harsh at all.
I know what I did and am still in the aftershock.

I also agree the HIV criminalization is not very helpful at large.
But as I mentioned above, this guy's attitude and avoidance in communication annoyed me a lot. I am not trying to get back at him but at least I want to hear his sincere apology and explanation.

I decided not to take any more risk and visited ER and got emergency Truvada. They arranged my clinic schedule for more pills. It will cost me a lot of money but is still better than my agony. All I got from him is one sentence saying he was undetectable after his first deception, so I have some trouble to believe what he said.

I am sure I will be fine and I learned my lesson in the hard way.

[jkinatl2]

Thank you for your answer, jkinatl2. Your words are not harsh at all.
I know what I did and am still in the aftershock.

I also agree the HIV criminalization is not very helpful at large.
But as I mentioned above, this guy's attitude and avoidance in communication annoyed me a lot. I am not trying to get back at him but at least I want to hear his sincere apology and explanation.

I decided not to take any more risk and visited ER and got emergency Truvada. They arranged my clinic schedule for more pills. It will cost me a lot of money but is still better than my agony. All I got from him is one sentence saying he was undetectable after his first deception, so I have some trouble to believe what he said.

I am sure I will be fine and I learned my lesson in the hard way.

Sadly, you may not get the closure from this guy that you want, but at the end of the day the person who matters most, the one who is in control of your destiny to the greatest extent, is the guy looking back at you in the mirror. I urge you to assume that each and every partner is positive and proceed accordingly.

Many is not most (if not all) of us are damaged in some way, somehow. Some of us have a virus that may or may not define us to the extent that we allow it (or feel powerless against it) and despite the veritable parade of saints that populate this forum (not,) some people just cannot be the best manifestation of themselves, at least not all the time.

I hope that you forgive this guy. Not for him, but for you. In the meantime, I have every faith that the Truvada will work, and even in it's absence I have that same faith that you will emerge from this incident without an HIV infection.  I honestly feel bad for the guy. You found your way here, and will find your way forward. From what you wrote, he seems trapped in a pretty unhappy, lonely, and scary place.

[bigboy56]

Once again, thank you for all your words. I appreciate that.