TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?

[Diamond]

Well its been a while. Im going on my 2nd year, started atripla a month ago, my doc think I may have lymphoma and yeah my b day is today.  Needless to say I meet this guy and I just want to have sex with him. Im tired of my dildos and want to feel normal again. I mean I would use protection so do I really have to tell him what I have?

[27years]

If the person is just going to be a fuck buddy without any strings attached there is no need to disclose as long as you use protection, unless there is more to it then maybe thats when you have to consider telling the person.  It also depends on how well the informed the person is about hiv because for some HIV- people the moment you tell them they will do a runner.  Enjoy protected sex and see what comes after.  You are not even guaranteed that the person will be better than your dildos. 

[emeraldize]

Hi Diamond,

Apparently, I wrote something that was ambiguous.

I'll clarify with a phrase a late friend of mine often used.


We do what we want to do.


And, so will you.


Em

[BT65]

Diamond, when someone has a question about disclosure, I don't like to give an absolute answer.  You have to do what you can live with.  Personally, if I just wanted to fuck a person, I probably wouldn't disclose.  But, that's me. 

I wanted to welcome you here, and invite you to join us in the women's forum.  We're really a good lot and help each other out quite a bit.  I hope to get to know you better.
    Luv,
Betty

[Jeff G]

 Happy birthday Diamond...  Its your decision to make . I always tell , I like knowing where I stand with someone from the start .

[Miss Philicia]

Hi Diamond,

Imagine it is he who is HIV positive and just wants to fuck you, nothing else. He just wants to feel normal again after masturbating for two years.

You are HIV negative. Would you prefer that he tell you?

Edited to add: You asked " Do I really have to tell hiim what I have?" This is a decision only you can make and only you will make. I offered the old-fashioned Golden Rule method. It's a great, fast way to determine what you think about what you're doing--whether it HIV-related, or other decisions that affect other people.

What would you want if you were the HIV negative (or, presumed HIV- person, we should clarify here as you don't know WHAT this guy's status is -- so a condom might keep you from picking up some additional STIs) person and someone was going to fuck you knowing they had HIV?

I guess another question to add to the Golden Rule approach would be, will you feel " normal " (which is what you say you want to feel by having sex again) if you don't share this information?


Em

I still don't know what the correct answer is, at least according to you and this ambiguously worded post, em.  I know that when I was HIV-negative I simply assumed every partner I had was potentially positive, and that it was MY RESPONSIBILITY to insist on using a condom.  Still the correct answer decades later, and many bottles of pills down my throat.

[next2u]

happy bday diamond!!

to echo what the other have said, the decision to disclose is yours. i have been on both sides of the fence. asking and talking about it didn't do me a world of good when i was negative : ). now that im poz i disclose sometimes. some of my reasoning has to do with them, a lot of my reasoning has to do with my personal ethics. i am okay not disclosing if they do not ask and we have protected or safer sex. if i wake up the next morning and don't feel like shit then i feel ive made a good choice.

so, as the others have said, the choice is yours. acting out of need can have consequences, so make sure whatever decision you make you are okay with the end result. with that said, have a blast (or a cock) on your bday weekend!!!

[Miss Philicia]

I think I can count on 3 fingers the amount of times someone has asked me if I'm HIV positive.

[bear60]

"I think I can count on 3 fingers the amount of times someone has asked me if I'm HIV positive." quote Philica
......................
Well thats just the crux of the issue isnt it. Who is going to be the more responsible of the two?  If you think about it, the person who KNOWS THAT THEY ARE HIV  POSITIVE HAS THE ADVANTAGE. The person whio does not know and has not been tested is the one at a disadvantage.  Since most of the poeple out there are not asking the right questions....what do you do as the one with the advantage?  Practice safe sex to start with. Disclosure follows. 

[Jeff G]

 Look at the bright side Philly , maybe the fourth time you have sex you will be as lucky .

[Dragonette]

Hi Diamond, happy birthday!

Don't know what to tell you really except what I experienced. Think it depends if you want to see the person again. If there is even a small chance of that, I'd disclose. If there is a chance of him finding out, I'd disclose. If it's illegal in your state, same.

These are 3 situations in which I think I would always disclose.

Otherwise personally I think I would disclose anyway, but guessing that if I were to have a 1 night stand, I might chicken out of it altogether b/c of this dilemma. I don't think I'd be able to have sex without disclosing,  for one thing it would be on my mind too much to enjoy the sex itself.

Before I had a relationship, I was talking with my social worker and she said, if I want sex, I can get it, and am not obliged to say anything as long as it's protected.

But I am in the Netherlands and not diclosing its not illegal here. Anyway I could never do it. Even before HIV I never did enjoy a one nighter, though I had them anyway... and having one with this secret, there was no way for me.

That's my experience... Wishing you a happy birthday and that whatever you decide will leave you feeling good about yourself,

PS just reading Bear's post, I wish things in the hetero world were such that people always assumed the other poz (I mean education wise not statistics wise), unfortunately I can imagine that if I ever had sex first and disclose later the partner would freak out big time, it could be dangerous as well. I think if I had undoclosed sex, I'd make sure not to tell out of pure fear.

[bear60]

quote Draggie :
 unfortunately I can imagine that if I ever had sex first and disclose later the partner would freak out big time, it could be dangerous as well. I think if I had undoclosed sex, I'd make sure not to tell out of pure fear.
.................................Well.  Two things come to mind:
1. If you practice safe sex knowing that you are HIV positive and do not infect the other person....there is no fear that you put someone at jeapordy. (I think if you are looking for a long term relationship the disclosure should come before sex.) But lets face it there is a lot of sex happening that is just recreational.

2.Its the HIV poz people WHO DO NOT PRACTICE SAFE SEX... and do not disclose who are the ones getting sued.

[Miss Philicia]

I will also add that perhaps there are different unwritten rules for homosexuals and heterosexuals, contextual to what is accepted within the community.  Perhaps within the gay community this even varies by region -- not sure.  I know where I've lived there's always been a sizable gay community with a sizable infected portion, and as I stated very few people ask your HIV status, and I'm including both pre- and post- diagnosis figures there. 

I don't see the point of asking or being asked if you're using a condom, which is what you should be doing all of the time anyway.  The only sticky point is when you go beyond a one nighter, and want to date the person and THEN you have to decide when do disclose.  2nd sexual encounter?  3rd?  10th?  I've had a wide variety of reactions, though the majority of them have been fine (or claimed to be... some I could later tell were uncomfy with the whole thing and faded away... bye bye)

This is always a touchy subject for the newly and somewhat newly diagnosed, and of course is correlated with how sexually active you are.  There aren't any set rules and sometimes you have to just make it up as you go along.  You only get the guilts if you're out there wantonly spreading your devil spawn.

[Dragonette]

I agree with you completely Bear. That's what people shouldl know. I wish that was the case...

but knowing how hetero guys talk about sex, STDs and esp HIV, I would never take the risk... they dont imagine that HIV is out there. Sex is different too, when gays have sex its (I reckon) just mutual enjoyment, no one is the taker or the giver, but when heteros have sex esp no strings the woman is often seen as someone who puts out, a slut, easy, promiscious, etc (there are exceptional guys of course...).
If you don't mind the stigma you can enjoy yourself.
But if on top of that you mention that you were poz after the act, I don't even want to think of the guy's reaction. At the best case scenario if he is completely civil, just contempt and a cold shoulder, but it could also end in public humiliation, filing charges, or violence.

[keyite]

Still relatively newly diagnosed but I'm increasingly realising it is not a simple do or don't issue - a lot depends on the persons and the circumstances, at least for more casual encounters. Like Philly, I remember the 80s where the assumption would be that any potential partner could be poz and it would be up to you to take the necessary precautions. What a shame that approach increasingly seems to be fading in favour of a flawed reliance on disclosure.

Disclosure might be an personal ethical question but it does not hold the key to halting HIV. Neggies have far more to fear from the recently infected and/or the untested pozzies out there who will swear blind they're neg than they do from those that have already been diagnosed. In that sense disclosure is a red herring. Safer sex remains the only reliable way to halt HIV and it remains a personal responsibility - relying on others in that respect will invariably end in tears.

[Snowangel]

Happy Birthday, Diamond!!!

I have to agree with Drag, if you were to tell the guy after the fact, he could freak out on you especially if he doesn't understand that he was completely safe having protected sex with you.

How much do you trust this person?  He might agree to wear a condom and then slip it off during intercourse. 

You need to do what you feel comfortable doing and what you will be able to live with.

Good Luck,
Snow

[bear60]

quote Keyite:  "Disclosure might be an personal ethical question but it does not hold the key to halting HIV. Neggies have far more to fear from the recently infected and/or the untested pozzies out there who will swear blind they're neg than they do from those that have already been diagnosed."
.........
Exactly.  I have only met one person who was infected by someone who KNEW THAT THEY WERE HIV POSITVE.  Me and all my cohorts back in the 80,s were infected by people who did not know or had not been tested.  I lost 30 friends.  I dont think any of them were intentionally infected.

[Jeff G]

 I have known people that I strongly suspected of refusing to get tested just so they could say they were negative .

[rondrond]

I have always disclosed. I might start out burning in my lust and think that I am not, but then I always do. And sometimes I get lucky and they don't run away and it happens, and after wild and exotic sex, the morning after, and waking up, there 'bag' has opened and they are on meds...after I dosclosed, they DIDN'T..and I think."you little shit"...so yeah..I tell.

[RapidRod]

Diamond, look at the laws in your state and see if you could survive the consequences if something should happen and you didn't disclose and you infected them.

[dvinemstre]

I know how hard disclosure can be, especially when you just wanna smash it up with a hottie. however, people can be VERY irresponsible with their own sexuality. About two months after I was diagnosed I got slightly drunk at a party and left with a man for sex. I told him from the beginning that he absolutely HAD to use a condom, he didn't ask why but agreed. towards the end of very fabulous sex he was hittin it from behind and took off the condom, which oh by the way was how I contracted it from the man who infected me...so I was like, whoooooaaaaa when I realized it. SO, I have to say some people can be really slimy about things. Although it is much harder for a man to get infected from a pos female, i ALWAYS disclose now, so the person will know, and make a good decision and not expose himself or ME to anything. I have come to realize that there are plenty of folks out there who will want to be with me for sex or companionship regardless of my status, and once i disclose they can open up about other things to me as well. If its not gonna be open then I will keep changing the batteries 

[beefbud]

as it appears its a matter of personal opinion by reading everyones post.

for me, its upfront, you know, you don't wanna do it...fine!  Damn shame i breathed on them or possibly touched them cuz, GASP, im diseased.  LOL
I have gotten to a point that I prefer others to know.  Cruising while out though is pretty much non existent anymore though...I hate going through the disclosure thing and getting drunk with the buddies is much more fun anyway. 

Obviously from everyones post though, its a personal opinion and what you are comfortable with.

[30Years]

I suggest to disclose it.  I have gotten in to a lot of trouble and it's best to do so.  By not disclosing can lead to a lifetime of LLEH!!!  Take it from me.

[xyahka]

I agree with some people... if it is a simple fuck i don't disclose. Sometimes a single fuck... is repeated several times... i still don't disclose because having a fucking buddy does not mean he needs to know everything about you (nor that you are his only sexual partner). Although i try to be extremely cautious about protection thing... Now, if we speak about something where feelings are involved and the word "L--E" comes on the table... then disclosure is a must in my point of view... i could not hide something like this to someone i say "i love you"

Juan Carlos