Author Topic: I have such a dilemma. help please (Read 7509 times)

cuteboi4u · « **on:** March 29, 2009, 09:58:44 pm »

k well ive been positive for bout 2 yrs now .. i just turned 19 and i know alot of people in the gay scene in my area. i havent disclosed with any guys ive been with but always safe and make sure i dont put them in any danger of giving it to them . but when i first became positive i told one of my "good" friends and they spread it everywhere. now when i date a guy meet him and chill go to a club not even having sex with them ppl just tell him im poz and ughh im just not ready to like expose myself like that like i wanna tell a guy im interested in but doing it right away would make them run away ? i wanna get to kno them first without sex for awhile then tell them .. but they always find out before i can do that

its just so hard for me to disclose to anyone cause gossip is so huge

i dont care bout ppl calling me ugly trashy etc . but when it comes to this it just destroys me when i hear from ppl oh r u positive ?

sharkdiver · « **Reply #1 on:** March 29, 2009, 11:19:07 pm »

I just want to say that I am sorry that you are dealing with this. A lot of us have probably dealt with this at one time or another. Are there any poz support groups around you? But in the meantime, feel free to discuss what's going on with you, here.

Hugs.
Sharkie

texasangel071184 · « **Reply #2 on:** March 29, 2009, 11:58:42 pm »

in my case i just figured i throw myself out there i am what i am and that way when and if a guy show interest in me that hurdle out of the way and i know they atleast want to get to know me however i tend set myself up in datesite or forums ect and put little about me hiding name ect. and put out my status and other stuff and keep either no pic or a private pic. I think it help some but i also tend to stay away from the clubs for the same reason as your. It rough I admit that I only been postive since june 13 2008 and i myself am still learning things but this much i know bud you gotta keep in mind you are you the good the bad and all and if someone can't except that there they don't deserve you.

cuteboi4u · « **Reply #3 on:** March 30, 2009, 02:59:26 am »

thanks for the replys

i think im just gonna tell guys upfront .. like not b4 we meet but if they show interest . so then ill kno if they like me for me .

jeffahag · « **Reply #4 on:** March 30, 2009, 09:56:30 am »

I have not had to deal with that much. I told a few friends right away but they do not blab. At least not to my knowledge. What I had to deal with is my ex-wife telling one of our friends and the friend told me about how I was such a f** up and how I was so evil because I had an affair and got infected ... etc... I did not even infect my ex-wife but I still had to hear about this crap. Now I am concerned the gal is going to tell the rest of our mutual friends when she is drunk.... I have pretty much stopped hanging with that crowd anyway but you never know who knows who and where I will hear about it from next. The gal really made me feel even worse than I already do.
As far as being close to the vest with the information I am definitely in need of some learning because I have told several people and have not had it come back and bite me in the ass yet. It will though, from what I am hearing here.

Good luck and maybe try hanging with a different crowd if you can. $:-\$

Dachshund · « **Reply #5 on:** March 30, 2009, 10:53:58 am »

Welcome to the world of HIV. It's just the nature of the beast. If you tell one person you're positive, you might as well tell the world.

Highlyfaveured · « **Reply #6 on:** March 30, 2009, 11:39:31 am »

I too have had that problem. I stopped hanging out in the same places. Found other things to do and everything worked out. It's not easy, but you have a group of people here that know what your talking about. Good luck on your road of life.

BubbaPat · « **Reply #7 on:** March 31, 2009, 12:45:55 pm »

I hear your dilemma and I feel for you. I haven’t told hardly anyone, especially some of my friends. Nothing against them I just know they don’t keep secrets very well. The few friends that DO know are positive as well so they understand.

I believe you have the best thought and that is to tell the guys you’re dating. If one of them does say they ‘heard’ you were positive, simply ask who told them and that you ask because it should be YOU that are telling them, not some gossip on the street.

Bubba hugs!
Patrick

AlanBama · « **Reply #8 on:** March 31, 2009, 02:39:30 pm »

I feel for you.

My experience has been, especially in a small town, that if someone knows you're positve and/or have AIDS....well, that's just TOO much of a juicy tidbit of gossip to not spread. I'm sure more people in my small town know about me than I even imagine.

hugs,

Alan

Elephant · « **Reply #9 on:** March 31, 2009, 04:06:04 pm »

It's sad that this is a gossip topic.

(I'm terrified of it myself, probably more than anything else...)

It's tuff enough to adjust to living knowing it that your pos.

I hope in time the back ground noise and gossip dies down for you. Queens are fickle and will seek out "new" gossip soon I bet.

Who knows, maybe someone else who is pos will find you that way, through the grape vine, and you guys will become close!

mecch · « **Reply #10 on:** March 31, 2009, 05:13:40 pm »

Quote from: cuteboi4u on March 29, 2009, 09:58:44 pm

now when i date a guy meet him and chill go to a club not even having sex with them ppl just tell him im poz and ughh im just not ready to like expose myself like that like i wanna tell a guy im interested in but doing it right away would make them run away ? i wanna get to kno them first without sex for awhile then tell them .. but they always find out before i can do that

its just so hard for me to disclose to anyone cause gossip is so huge

So young, it sucks this is the situation, sorry to hear!

However, there is a BIG contradiction in your understanding of your situation. If it is true that the guys you date always or almost always hear the gossip about you being HIV+ just when you are starting to date them, well then you dont have a choice to not disclose.

1) There is not so much you can do about the gossip. But you could try to remove the first couple of dates to a less gossipy activity than nightclubbing - maybe a movie or some sports or going out with some straight friends who aren't so insensitive as to gossip - keeping you two together but away from a pack of gossiping gays...

2) You can't control people's gossiping - it sucks. You made the choice to disclose which has benefits too, you know.

So the contradiction is - there really is no choice - you have to disclose - since gossip is reaching all your potential lovers anyway! That is what you said. So just disclose and get it over with. Take the power back. If you can manage to make it seem like NOT the biggest deal, just an annoyance, then I bet at least some guys will NOT reject you, and the one's who don't are the only ones who can be potential partners anyway, since sooner or later you'd have to tell them. Want to be rejected 3 or 6 month down the road in a relationship? Ouch!

Get it? Good luck man!

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #11 on:** March 31, 2009, 06:23:54 pm »

If I hear another self-loathing comment about "gays gossiping" I'm going to vomit. PEOPLE gossip, gay or straight.

mecch · « **Reply #12 on:** March 31, 2009, 07:08:50 pm »

Miss P, I don't loath myself. However yes I stand corrected - gossiping disco patrons... OK?

dtwpuck · « **Reply #13 on:** March 31, 2009, 08:07:04 pm »

I am sad you are dealing with this at such a young age. It's difficult to tell a 19 year old not to care about the gossip. People will talk about you. It's a fact of life whether you are poz or not.

A wise person once said "it's not of my business what other people say about me". You might try to take that to heart. It's not a very easy pill to swallow, but it helps.

Meech is right on this one. You have to disclose. Not only is it the law, it's the right thing to do. So, one way or another, it's going to get out. Eventually you will discover that there are an awful lot of us hi-fivers out there. Some of us are even young and cute. Even if you're not going to let that narrow down your dating pool, you can at least use it to find friends. It's important to have people in your life who understand your situation.

I was surprised when I moved to Detroit that people here actually talked about hiv status like it was a dirty secret. I have always tended to mention it casually and that tends to take people off guard here. I don't know if it's because I just never cared when I lived in Seattle or if it was the culture there... but I got to thinking about it: how hard it must be for a lot of guys to feel like they are the topic of conversation. It's not going to go away. It's hard, but it's true.

There is no easy answer. There never is. But you can choose to make lemons out of lemonade. Find some poz mentors. There are plenty of people out there who can help you. And, maybe go do something besides hang out in nightclubs. There's a big world out there and it's not the small world of the nightclub. While they can be fun once in a while... But when the whole purpose is to see and be seen, you never get to the place where friendships can be formed. Relationships are hard to develop when you are constantly looking over your shoulder to see if someone else is looking.

Believe it or not, there are a lot of real people out there who actually care about the well being of others. I hope you will find some.

moskimo · « **Reply #14 on:** April 10, 2009, 03:39:03 am »

the only relative who is privy of my status is my younger brother and he can never tell any one,i am not ready to tell my freinds ,even my present girl friend i dont want to tell her either,i dont want her to go thro the things i am going thro right now,i dont know if she is infected,i pray not but by the time she finds out,there will be a cure. i dont see myself dying of this malady, what i ve been thinking is to wake up one morning and baam breaking news finally a cure has been found for hiv and the drugs are right here for everybody. i think its a fantasy but it must happen sooner than later.i found out in january this year and i was told that my cd4 count was 750,i thought then that i still have about ten years to became sick may be just maybe the cure will be here by then, three months later,i came down with shingles and cd4 count 175 why,is this possible,i am about to start my medication,but i was advised to check my count again because the cd4 count tends to go down when one is sick,i ve not done that because of the holidays,but first thing tuesday morn,i will check it again because my shingles are gone.

Peter Staley · « **Reply #15 on:** April 10, 2009, 09:26:40 am »

Quote from: moskimo on April 10, 2009, 03:39:03 am

even my present girl friend i dont want to tell her either

You haven't told your girlfriend? Dude, I'm sorry, but that's just wrong.

Dachshund · « **Reply #16 on:** April 10, 2009, 09:46:48 am »

Quote from: moskimo on April 10, 2009, 03:39:03 am

even my present girl friend i dont want to tell her either,i dont want her to go thro the things i am going thro right now,i dont know if she is infected,i pray not but by the time she finds out,there will be a cure.

So while you're waiting for a cure the virus could be replicating in your girlfriend's body. While you're waiting for a cure you could be responsible for permantly destroying your girlfriend's health. While your waiting for a cure, your unsuspecting girlfriend gets no choice about treatment. While your waiting for a cure your girlfriend could die.

The virus isn't waiting around for a cure.

mjmel · « **Reply #17 on:** April 10, 2009, 10:39:33 am »

moskimo,

a few months after my test results came back positive, i shared the news of my hiv+ status with my younger brother only and asked him to not share the info. in due time i would disclose to other family members. in a matter of a few months, i did just that. (sisters, brothers, mom)
when i learned of my positive status, i contacted any sexual encounters I had in last 12 months. there were three; it was difficult but needed to be done. it was the right thing to do.

later, my brother related how unpleasant it felt like to carry that around and not able to be honest or talk about it with other family members. at first, i didn't 'get it'. why? after all, there was nothing for him to do or say. it weighed heavily on his shoulders--until some of the other family members knew.

Mike

umfowabo · « **Reply #18 on:** April 10, 2009, 01:00:23 pm »

Moskimo in your other post that you wrote in the I Just Tested Positive forum you said you had a wife and she is HIV negative. So is it a wife or a girlfriend or both. And does she or they know their HIV status or not.I'm not judging you on that I'm just asking because it's confusing.

Whichever it is if you've had sex without condoms they need to know so that they can get tested.I don't know where in Africa you are but lets say you're in South Africa.There's like nearly 6 million other people walking around with HIV just like you.Wherever you are at the movies or the market or the beach or whatever you are looking at other people with HIV.But everyone keeps quiet and pretends it's not them.So everyone stays scared and ignorant and alone.
If you can't say it out loud to her or them then just write on some paper and give it to her or something but you need to tell her so she can go and get tested if she needs to.I assume you love her or at least care about her.So even if it's really difficult to tell her it's going to be a lot more difficult to watch her get sick and die if she does have HIV and she doesn't get tested and get treatment.Well that's what I think anyway.
Forget all the untrue things you've been hearing for long time about how HIV medications make you sick and that there is a cure or whatever.That's just ignorant people who are scared talking.Read the stuff on this website and listen to what the people here who know what they are talking about say to you.HIV drugs don't make you more sick they are what will keep you alive bro.And if you just wait around for a cure or some magic thing to soon come and make it all go away then you're going to end up in the ground before you see that.
There are enough graves already so you don't need to be part of digging any more for you or anyone else.

Sorry if it wasn't appropriate for me to write this here but it was something I wanted to say to him.

Matthew

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #19 on:** April 10, 2009, 01:53:39 pm »

wow... just wow

mecch · « **Reply #20 on:** April 10, 2009, 09:18:24 pm »

what happend to this thread? something is rotten in denmark (and not just those towels for HIV+)

moskimo · « **Reply #21 on:** April 12, 2009, 08:51:36 pm »

Quite frankly i sounded very selfish,but all wrong doings they say are done in the sincere belief that it is the best thing to do.I just told my girlfriend that she need to be tested,that i suspect i might be positive,because of the syntoms i am getting,i just want to go with her this wk to get tested, i needed a councellor to be around so that she wont pass out.i am very scared.i know what i am avoiding, but i think you all mean well,she must know.

mjmel · « **Reply #22 on:** April 13, 2009, 07:11:33 am »

Quote from: moskimo on April 12, 2009, 08:51:36 pm

... but i think you all mean well,she must know.

Bravo, moskimo!

Mike

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Author Topic: I have such a dilemma. help please (Read 7509 times)