Talk to Me Mom

[HopeandCope]

Hi Guys!

First off, THANKS for your advice on how to talk to your Poz son or daughter. It is very priceless to have this support and I appreciate those of you that helped me a bit.

I put up the new post Talk to Me Mom at the Hope and Cope blogspot.  Please visit and comment so that other Mom's and Dads' can get your advice.  The address is http://hopeandcope.blogspot.com/2008/09/talk-to-me-mom.html

Smooches and Hugs   

Jude

[HopeandCope]

MegaSept came out with an invigorating list for my blog on how to talk to you HIV+ child and I feel this is a great place for it as well.  Here is his list:

Never share information concerning your child's up-to-date health, including newest lab results without their permission. Maintain and improve levels of trust.

Once informed of your child's HIV, your child has every right to expect that over time, you will make some effort to learn about HIV, whether trough reading or direct experience with the POZ community.

Do not ridicule or dismiss standard medical practice when it includes checking you or your spouse for HIV in the course of medical diagnosis. MDs should be encouraged to ignore social taboos and protect all their patients. You need to avoid the "it only happens to others" kind of attitude since your child is "the other."

Do not tell you child they are looking "drawn in the face" or "getting some belly fat" if your child may suffer from Lipotrophy. Learn about the condition.

Do not tell your child they were stupid or foolish for getting infected when all the preventative info is out there. Conversely, if your child is long-term infected, do not say "I understand how you got infected when not as much was known back then." "Good" and "bad" infected is not a healthy way for either your POZ child nor you to look at people struggling for their health.

If you child is on ARV do learn how you may assist in dealing with side effects, offering toast or rice, changing linens due to night sweats, or  understanding when frequent bathroom breaks are needed,

Do not tell your child that they "need to meet more people outside the HIV community" until you yourself have acquainted yourself with many in the HIV community (POZ, parents of POZ, and medical providers).

Do not worry about sharing the same water glass by accident, sharing bedding, plates, or towels. Learn why it's OK and spread knowledge, not ignorance.

Do not lie and tell people your gay child does not have HIV.

Do not let people tell "HIV jokes" in your presence without challenging them.

Do get to know POZ outside your family.

Do read up on treatment developments and discuss your reading with your child.

Do be involved in efforts towards HIV and gay social and civil equality. Be an advocate for medical and other reforms that will improve your child's health care, economic security, and peace of mind.

Do be honest and upfront with your child about what's on your mind, so they might do the same.

[hotpuppy]

These are all great advice.

I hope that when I cross the bridge to tell my family that they are as understanding as you are.  I know I should do it, but I have learned to pick my battles and not piss off the world all at once.  I also plan to outlive my parents and don't see a point in worrying them.

[Joe K]

These are excellent guidelines, because you can substitute whatever issue and they still hold true.  I am the poz parent of Kate and these very guidelines are what we used as we explored my life with HIV together.

And to you Hotpuppy, let me just say this.  I am a parent and one of the most important roles of a parent is to love and protect your child.  I ask you to consider telling at least one of your parents, of your status, if you feel you need their support.  Parents are much tougher than you think.  For me, if Kate had a life threatening illness, it would break my heart to think that she could not come to me about it.  Moreover, when she told me of her illness, because I am her father, who loves her unconditionally, I would find a way to move through her illness and be there when she needed me.

You also might consider that you really have no right to make such a decision, on the part of your parents.  Do not underestimate them and their ability to adapt.  If you believe that their support is important, then please find a way to tell them.  All I know, is that, if Kate had an illness and then died from it, without telling me, I would be crushed.  It would forever haunt me about what comfort I may have provided for her, but was denied the possibility, because of her own fears.

Please do not take you parent's son away from them, before your time.

[HopeandCope]

Please Hot Puppy tell the parent you feel closest too.  If you need some help in formulating what to say then maybe I or Kate's Mom can help you.

Whatever happens, we are here to support you.  The virtual arms encircling you and shoulder to cry if you need. 

When you do talk to your parent, tell them about my Parent's Blog.  The link is below my name.  There is a confidential email and I am willing to speak with them by phone as well.

You take care love, Smooches Hugs and Love to You

Jude

[prayerblue]

Jude, you're a saint (no pun intended...) and bless you for the hope and help you offer. If it ever comes to that point, I hope you'll help me get there too