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Off Topic Forums => Off Topic Forum => Topic started by: Matty the Damned on August 02, 2006, 11:42:21 pm

Title: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Matty the Damned on August 02, 2006, 11:42:21 pm
In my 31 years I've discovered that there are two sorts of men. The short-haired/bald camp and the long haired. Unlike most homosexual males (and men in general) I belong firmly in the latter camp.

I have seriously long hair. I'm talking lead singer of Blind Melon type long. I've not had my delightful tresses cut for exactly 10 years. Why?

Because I hate hairdressers.

Hate, hate, hate. They're the scum of the earth. It's not a profession, it's an affliction. If you're a hairdresser, I spit on you. You're sick. You need help. Get the fuck away from me. I spurn you as I would spurn a typhoid rat. It means not a whit to me that queer men dominate the field. I consider it the greatest shame of the gay world.

Now, gentle reader, I know you're thinking, "Matty the Damned expressing a strong point of view on an issue? Has the world gone mad?"

Well yes, but that's not why. But allow me to explain my pathological loathing of the coif cutting untermensch.

When I was a child, my mother would drag me to The Most Evil Hairdresser in the Whole Wide World. Margaret her name was. Utterly vile. Visits to her salon-cum-torture chamber terrified me more than trips to the dentist/immunisation clinic/Headmaster's office combined.

She was cruel. I mean, really horrid. She pulled and twisted, cut crooked, brushed and combed like she was carding low grade wool. She snarled and hissed and said horrible things. These sessions were interminable and go a long way to why I'm the heartless venom spitting monster that terrifies all of you today.

Everytime I sat in her Chair Of Misery listening to the click of those blades, I made a promise to myself.

"When I'm old enough, I will never, ever visit a hairdresser. I'll just let my hair grow all the way to the ground."

I vowed revenge on her and her twisted kind.

I finally made good on that promise 10 years ago, and since then I've never even set foot in a hairdressing salon. I've considered torching a few, but common sense has generally prevailed on that count.

As such, I have been famed for my luxuriant locks. They reach my down to my shapely buttocks and have been an object of fascination for many. I have pulled more fucks with this hair than rohypnol, GHB and Jack Daniels could ever have procured for me.

I take good care of my hair, but alas time has taken it's toll. Rest assured I still have a full head of the stuff, but the ends are now ratty and split and it's not even.

On straight man it would look fine. Lord knows they have no respect for their personal appearance, but I'm sorry it just doesn't meet the impossible standards expected of Today's Gay Man.

Thus, I have resolved to go to a hairdresser. It will be awful. The stench of a salon turns my gut. But there's nothing for it.

But calm yourself fevered reader! Matty the Damned has long hair not just because he hates hairdressers, but also because he is an Evil GeniusTM. All true Evil GeniusesTM have long hair. Lex Luthor was a pussy. Which is why that big pansy in the blue tights always did him over. I would have just shoved a massive lump of kryptonite up Superman's arse and had done with it.

So I'm just having it cut so it's still beneath my shoulders but all the ratty bits are removed and I shall grow it to it's terminal length once more.

Sigh. The things we must do.

MtD
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Life on August 03, 2006, 12:10:39 am
Have you tried a Barber Shop?  Those are for boys.... ;D
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Dachshund on August 03, 2006, 12:21:06 am
Matty-Poo, I know of a coven that could make a mighty powerful amulet with just a wee bit of your curl.

You must post a pic of your new do.

AD
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: jkinatl2 on August 03, 2006, 12:42:55 am
I cut my own hair.

twenty five dollars for a cut? Thats chinese take out. The good stuff. Screw that.

Matty, you are a brave soul. Personally, I would have bought a home haircutting kit. Actually, that's what I did, a decade ago :). So long as short, uneven hair is in fashion, so am I.

Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: GSOgymrat on August 03, 2006, 12:46:30 am
Because I was in ROTC I had a military haircut all through high school. We always seem to want what we can't have and I always wanted to have long hair I could pull back into a ponytail. Unfortunately my hair and I have always had a conflictual relationship. When I wanted it to go down, it insisted on going up. I guess because I cursed my unruly hair so much it got fed up and decided to leave me. So now I've joined the ranks of the bald. This suits me fine. But when I do see a guy with a long ponytail I sigh and briefly dream of what might have been.
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Mouse on August 03, 2006, 01:37:26 am
I cut my own hair, too.



But it always turns out awesome.



 ;D
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: newt on August 03, 2006, 04:16:35 am
This is proof of reincarnation, Matty, your HIV doc was undoubtedly a hairdresser in a former life  ;D
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: J.R.E. on August 03, 2006, 08:19:20 am


Quite a few years ago, one of my employees decided to cut his own hair. When I returned to the room, his head looked like a dog with mange. I said what the hell did you do? He said , does it look alright ? I said hell no !! ( trying not to laugh and pee)

I said, " what did you use to cut your hair. He replied ( and showed me the retractable razor knife (box cutter) I gave him 10 bucks, and told him to go see what a barber could do with the damage he created. :)


Ray
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Lwood on August 03, 2006, 08:38:22 am
I used to get my hair cut by a French guy that used a straight razor. a real onen not one of those pieces of crap with the disposable blade,  he was growing increasingly 'absent minded'  and I never seemed to get the same haircut twice, I finally decided that it wasnt such a hot idea to have a crazy Frenchman with a straight razor hovering over me, so I switched to a more traditional barber... the haircuts arent nearly as good, but I dont have to worry about reliving a scene from 'Sweeny Todd'

BTW, Jonathan what the hell is a Home Haircutting kit ??? is it one of those contraptions that attaches to a vaccuum cleaner hose ?
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: MSPspud on August 03, 2006, 08:43:06 am
In an attempt to do a mid cut trim on myself this morning, I created a little bald spot above my side-burn !   >:(

I guess someone will be going to the hair dresser at lunch today ...

Jason (who is annoyed by chatty hair dressers)
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Sae on August 03, 2006, 09:27:51 am
EVIL EVIL EVIL

The nightmare from a woman's point of view is far more grave.  The woman who cuts your hair typically wants you uglier than she and the war begins.  Why when you ask for a little trim do you see inches of hard earned growth fall to the floor?  WHY WHY WHY is a trim SO DIFFICULT?  Why must I be scalped without provocation?  I tip well....I'm polite.....its not fair.

I remember after a burnt hair issue having to lop off 6 inches of hair.  He cut it off in one cut put it on my shoulder and said:  CRY NOW!

There's so many evil characters:
Scalping hairdresser
I think you'd look great in the new hippest style that doesn't suit you hairdresser
Look in the mirror at myself instead of the client hairdresser
Competition fearful hairdresser
Looking for a date hairdresser (who leaves you sit with bleach on your head while flirting with someone else)
Apprentice shampoo girl who hates the world wannabee hairdresser
Bouffant hairdresser
I still give perms and I like the chemical smell hairdresser
I think I know what looks good on you hairdresser

Ok, I'm just mad now....

Sae
(who will make an appointment later today)




Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: ACinKC on August 03, 2006, 09:54:48 am
Matty at birth

(http://www.sbsd.k12.ca.us/CC/images/Crazy%20Hair%20Day.jpg)

Matty NOW

(http://piggydidit.com/blog/mullet.jpg)
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: ACinKC on August 03, 2006, 09:57:57 am
BTW, Jonathan what the hell is a Home Haircutting kit ??? is it one of those contraptions that attaches to a vaccuum cleaner hose ?

www.flowbee.com

(http://www.csdl.tamu.edu/~marshall/flowbee.jpg)
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Life on August 03, 2006, 10:36:53 am
I know what Derek Flint would say attribute to all of this....

When I were just a kid and going to the hairdresser with Mom, the hairdryers were not meant for guys...  Instead of being programmed to take over the world and be domineering, the programming backfired and caused me to be gay....  Along with a few others to I might add....
(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2006-1/1137672/hair.jpg)
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: aztecan on August 03, 2006, 11:18:23 am
Oddly enough, I cut my own hair. Go figure!  :o

If I let my hair grow out, I look like a bowling ball in a hula skirt. Not pretty.  >:(

Besides, I learned long ago, the gods created only so many perfect heads - the rest had hair dumped on them to cover up the oopsies.  8)

Matty, of course, is the exception. Actually, anyone with striking red hair should be banned from cutting it.

The mental picture of the long, luxuriant, flowing tresses falling down MtDs back, draping whispily across his firm, rounded buttocks, is enough to make me start drinking again - cause he's thousands if miles away!  ::)

We want picks Matty. Nude pics.

HUGS,

Mark
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: jkinatl2 on August 03, 2006, 11:33:27 am
Does that guy use the Flowbee on his moustache too?
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: AlanBama on August 03, 2006, 11:36:00 am
I feel the same way as Mark.....Matty if you must cut it, just barely get those ends trimmed off!  Keep it LONG.

I'd kill for nice hair.

About 10 years ago, I started buying barber clippers, and at first, I let my partner cut my hair....but then, no partner!  So I had to learn to do it on my own.   I just hop in the bathtub, put on that #2 clipper guard, and go to town.

PS - I need to get Fang a flowbee...she loves to be vacuumed.
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: zephyr on August 03, 2006, 11:43:36 am
Matty!

You WOULD post this just hours before I go to get my mane trimmed!!! And why do I have a reaction, you ask???

BECAUSE I HATE HAIRDRESSERS JUST LIKE YOU DO!!

Two weeks ago, I had 36" of hair, went for a trim, which was uneven. Now my hair feels like freakin' straw on my arms, as it wasn't thinned properly, and it's only 30" long.

I have to have this fixed, and I'm going to someone new this morning. I'll be lucky, I think, if I wind up with anything on my head!!

Hope we both have luck today, if not, I'm thinkin' that the world is gonna have TWO LESS hairdressers!

EEK!!

Love,

Zephala :-*
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: AlanBama on August 03, 2006, 11:50:47 am
Zeph,

Tell this one "Don't trim too much off the length....oh by the way, I've got a .38 in my purse"
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: jack on August 03, 2006, 12:22:52 pm
shapely buttocks? Apparently you haven't been on hiv meds long enough.
I use dog clippers on my own head. But I lost my hair two weeks after I was married.
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Lwood on August 03, 2006, 01:42:03 pm
Holy Crap !! I had no Idea that they still made the Flowbie !  I always got a chuckle out of hairstylists when Id ask if they had ever seen one in action..  Id be carefull using one on a cat, you could probablly take of an ear in the blink of an eye and then have to fish it out of the vaccuum cleaner...
Didn't David Letterman once find out that one of the Newscasters cut his own hair and then anounce it over a bullhorn from his office window??
(http://www.chickenhead.com/bannertown/art/charlie.gif)
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: allopathicholistic on August 03, 2006, 01:44:53 pm
Does that guy use the Flowbee on his moustache too?

nah, prolly his legs
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: sweetasmeli on August 03, 2006, 01:47:23 pm
Haha Matty, I needed a giggle tonight. And you always have such a way with words...so subtle!

I say cut it yourself too. If its as long as you say and its only the ends, you'll have no problem seeing what you're doing. Just do it in sections and take roughly the same amount off each section.

I share your loathing of hairdressers - maybe not quite as passionately - but always have. The past few years I've cut my own, I just trim the ends. I don't care about it being even...even is for posers, haha!

Melia :)
(who will raise a smile for Matty even though shes sad today)
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: AIDS2HIV on August 03, 2006, 02:12:54 pm
Matty....just a suggestion:

I too, used to have hair down past my ass, when in a braid i could roll the end of it and fill my back pocket. Needless to say, i dont have long hair anymore, but i want to suggest what i did with mine, and now my girls do with thiers....

There is a wonderful organization, called " Locks of Love " they take hair donations, and the make wigs, for cancer victims....particularly little children. Perhaps, that is something you may consider, depending on the length you are having cut off.

i hated to see my hair go, but when i found out about that organization, it made it all worth while....
Of course you will have to check its availability in your area, etc. just a suggestion.....
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Matty the Damned on August 03, 2006, 09:58:32 pm
It is done. The experience was horrific and not one that I will repeat for at least another 10 years or at all if AIDS manages to get me in the meantime. Hope springs eternal. ;)

I've had half of the length cut off, but to those who prefer MtD with his flowing mane, be of good cheer! It's still at least 4 inches below my shoulders, of a consistent length and sans split ends.

When I entered the salon the vultures descended on me like I was so much carrion. I explained what I needed and a fight broke out amongst the fiends as to which one of them would wield her shears to claim my tresses. The Alpha Harpy asserted her rights by cackling, "This one's mine!" and the subordinate females abated.

I shuddered.

The place was monstrous. Evil implements of their depraved craft were everywhere. The Torquemada himself could have done no better. Odious crones sat at basins and mirrors in being permed, dyed, snipped and coiffed.

The Alpha Harpy made much fuss of me and paid all manner of compliments, but I wasn't fooled -- she had an agenda, I knew it. Upon completion her intentions where revealed. She's going to use my amputated hair for extensions!

Oh repulsive wench!

Does the wickedness of this loathesome trade know no bounds? I don't believe for a single moment that she will use my silken strands for the purpose she outlined. I know what's really going on! (http://www.ispub.com/ostia/index.php?xmlFilePath=journals/ijto/vol2n1/soy.xml)

Still it seemed a small price to pay to escape from that Lair of Horrors relatively unscathed. That and $20, of course.

MtD
(Who looks fabulous)
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Dachshund on August 03, 2006, 10:13:28 pm

Thanks gorgeous...I'll never look at my order of dim sum in the same way. Boy,you are too much.LOL

AD
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: jkinatl2 on August 03, 2006, 10:29:44 pm
:::shudder::: @ human hair soy sauce.

Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: GSOgymrat on August 04, 2006, 03:59:09 am
Matty, we want pictures.

I haven't been to a hairdresser in a couple of years. Last time I went the girl at Fantastic Sams said "You know, you could just do this yourself". Apparently my "#1 blade all over" hairdoo was not worthy of her time.
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Matty the Damned on August 04, 2006, 04:26:49 am
Matty, we want pictures.

And pictures you shall have, my pretties!

I warn you though I do have the aspect of a dressage pony at the moment. Which seems fitting given that a not inconsiderable number of people think me to be something of a horse's arse. ;)

MtD
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: CaptCarl on August 04, 2006, 11:23:43 am
Pictures!! We demand pictures!
   Like you I also have long hair, and will likely keep it long till I die. I have never found a bang burner who was able to trim off just the ends. They always want to give it some shape or try something "fun" The problem with "fun" is that you have to spent 40 minutes every morning trying to get the look is anything BUT fun. I keep my hair long partially out of laziness, I don't want to have to spend time screwing with my hair. Just run a brush through it, yank it back into a ponytail, and you're good to go. On those few occasions when I absolutely have to look decent, the simple braid works just fine. Good luck to you, and remember, PICTURES!!
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Dachshund on August 05, 2006, 08:48:06 am
 Matty's new coiffure.

[attachment deleted by admin]
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Jerry71 on August 05, 2006, 11:12:53 am
Yes Matty we want pictures. I personaly would love to see the real matty in person instead of that damn bird.

Jerry who cuts his own hair and loves the buzz cut feel.

Jerry who had to change his screenname because my Yahoo account closed my account.
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Oceanbeach on August 06, 2006, 03:17:45 am
Matty Dear,

You sit in their chair for 25 bucks, they expect you to dish the dirt and tell them your most blessed secrets?  Since you have to listen to everyone elses blessed secrets, your are certainly as confidential...  AND THEY EXPECT A TIP!  My tip is "don't bet on the horses."

There is absolutely no love lost in the salon de puke... Hairdressers also hate me, no two have ever seen me with the same hair color twice.  They know I have had every color there is and made up a few on my own.  Can't cut my own hair but do know how to work with the chemicals.  I did have a lovely shade of green hair for part of a day.  I was living in Waikiki, geting ready to fly to California for the Thanksgiving holiday.  I wanted that "fun in the sun" look.  My base coat was an Auburn red and I just had to have some blond streaks.  Wrong chemicals because the shade of green was vivid...  Had to start over again and by the time I was finished with my hair is so many tubs of cold water, I spent the next week sick.  But my hair was flawless!  Have the best day
Michael

www.Commission-on-AIDS.org (http://www.Commission-on-AIDS.org)
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: otherplaces on August 06, 2006, 04:32:21 am

Oh my, I've had an eternal fear of hairdressers.  I've tried to cut my own hair at times until it just gets unmanageable.  Cutting the back is impossible. Always prayed for that cute girlfriend to come along and cut my hair...never happened. Now I'm trying to grow my bangs way long for the past two years and they always want to trim them.  Nobody understands...I have a vision!

It's time for pictures matty.

brian
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Dachshund on August 07, 2006, 09:06:29 pm
We are waiting Matty.
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Eldon on August 07, 2006, 11:29:02 pm
Hello Matty, Show us some pictures!
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Matty the Damned on August 08, 2006, 12:36:31 am
I'm getting some pictures taken tonight.

Pinky swear!

MtD
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Oceanbeach on August 08, 2006, 04:40:43 pm
Dear Matty,

They have these lovely shops all over Los Angeles where we could buy "hair Extensions" and have them sewn on to the existing hair.  I tried to get all of my friends together one afternoon to pick up some polyester dreadlocks and go for the Rastafarian for the Day look.  We met at the bar, it was "happy hour."  We became so happy and forgot about hair... Have the best day
Michael

www.Commission-on-AIDS.org (http://www.Commission-on-AIDS.org)
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: angelofdreams on August 08, 2006, 07:17:15 pm
hehe,
pleasse remind me Matty that must we ever come accros each other i do NOT bring my bf along, he might be incredibly sweet and all that but him being a hairdresser i rather take him home again with me in one piece,
i never really mind going to the hairdressers, probably has something to do with me being gay and loads of gorgeous guys work as hairdressers, go figure

xxxx
angel
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: cjc on August 09, 2006, 01:55:25 pm
You are such a tease. Where are the pictures ? I have been following this thread and want the pictures you promised.   Cristy
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: JeffInNYC on August 09, 2006, 09:26:07 pm
Where r the pics?  You DID pinky swear.  I bet he looks smashing!
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Nadine on August 09, 2006, 10:56:16 pm
Matty,

We are still wating for those pics....

Waiting....wating....waiting  ;D
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Matty the Damned on August 09, 2006, 11:12:18 pm
Technical issues. Don't roll your eyes at me, people, it's true! I'm trying to locate a working digital camera.

MtD :-*
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Dachshund on August 09, 2006, 11:32:23 pm
You mean to tell me there is not one digital camera to be found on that god forsaken rock ::)
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Dachshund on August 11, 2006, 08:54:40 am
Matty may I suggest you visit the nearest professional photographer and take some pictures. Put on your best Imamah Turban, a crisp, white, Jalabiyyah and get to posing. I know I don't need to remind you to,"dress Islamically with modesty."

Matty's ready for his close-up Mr. DeMille.

AD
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: JeffInNYC on August 11, 2006, 08:41:30 pm
never trust an Aussie who pinky swears  ;D
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Matty the Damned on August 12, 2006, 02:43:44 am
Oh bitch, bitch, bitch!

Being a full time functional alcoholic and bitter queen leaves precious little time for glamour shots people.

But if it's a picture you want:

(http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j232/matty_the_damned/roughhead1.jpg)

. . . . then it's a picture you'll get.

I think she took a bit too much off the front. ;D

MtD
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: BB on August 12, 2006, 04:09:14 am
What is wrong with all of you?

Find a gay barber shop and chances are you will find some very good stylists that work there.

Most good stylists rely on repeat business and since most gay men are very picky about their hair, only the very best stylists survive.

Good grief Matty! If you continue visiting "hairdressers", we'll soon be calling you Matty the Bald!

Have a nice day scruffy.

BB
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Dachshund on August 12, 2006, 08:17:11 am
Do you think we all just fell off a bush tomato truck? That phony photog has way too many teeth to be an Australian. You might be able to pass that pic off to the rubes in Koonakornhole, but we ain't buying it. One again you force me to post the real pic of your new do.

[attachment deleted by admin]
Title: Re: All Hairdressers Must Die!
Post by: Matty the Damned on August 12, 2006, 08:19:39 am
Well close enough Aunty Doxie. ;D

I have REAL pictures. I shall start a new thread in honour of them.

MtD