My partner of 5 years just tested positive. Looking for answers.

[ccameron]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this site and have read some wonderful posts. I would like to share my story.

My partner and I have been together almost 5 years. We are both in our mid twenties and have been living in NYC for the last few years. Last year we were having relationship issues and he decided to break up with me. It was very difficult but I decided I had to move on. A few months later he decided he wanted to give it another shot. We did and have been trying to make it work since.

Two days ago he told me he was with someone else while we were separated and just got the result he is HIV positive. It completely blindsided me. He told me they had used protection (he was the bottom) and that he had gotten ill two months after which prompted him to get tested. The rapid test came back negative. During this time he did not tell me he was tested and we had unprotected anal sex, about 3 times. I was the top.

He said he did not tell me because he assumed the rapid test was accurate and the risk of infection was very low. Regardless, I am now very upset not only because he is infected but I may be as well. I am getting tested Monday and again in a few months. I have had no symptoms so far.

I deeply love him and have made plans to spend my life with him. We were planning on moving to a new city to start a new life together, but I am very apprehensive. I have had suspicions he has been unfaithful to me in the past. Also he has had a history of abusing cocaine and alcohol. He has told me time and time again it was only this incident and he did use protection. It just seems unlikely that protected anal sex would cause transmission but I know the condom could have failed.

Regardless of me being negative or positive should I stay with this person? He did put me at risk but at the assumption he was negative. I wish he would have at least told me he had been tested. I even asked him if he had been with anyone, out of fear of having unprotected sex with him, and he told me no.

Also if I do decide to stay with him and I am negative, what are some of your experiences with a negative/positive relationship.

If I am positive I will be very, very upset but will more than likely want to remain together. I can't describe in words how much I love this person. At the same time I don't want to make a horrible mistake. Any advice or knowledge would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

[Jeff G]

Hi Ccameron . I have moved all your post into this forum , please only post in this one thread until you test and find out what your results are , hopefully negative .

Welcome to the forums , please take time to read the welcome threads and rules where you are allowed to post . The site has plenty of lessons and information so check out the resources at the top of the forum page . Best of luck .

[ccameron]

Ok sorry for mis-posting. Thank you for your support.

[Jeff G]

Not a problem Ccameron , I made a mistake once too    .

I hope all turns out well and you get the support you need .

[ccameron]

Thank you

[intaglio]

I deeply love him and have made plans to spend my life with him. ....

I have had suspicions he has been unfaithful to me in the past. ...

Regardless of me being negative or positive should I stay with this person?

Your rapidtest show good news. Hopefully your later follow-up will confirm your negative status.

His HIV status is really the least of your concerns at the moment.

I want to say "run screaming from all this. It'll only get worse." I really really do, but only you can make the final decision.

Your heart is getting in the way of your head. It happens. Try to step outside your relationship and view it as happening to someone else. What would you tell a good friend who is going through the same thing?

I mean, they're in a relationship with someone who has a history of abusing drugs, (not cheap ones either) and has lied to them on occasion.

Then they find out the guy got tested because he thought he might be HIV+, but didn't bother to tell your friend until after he got his test results back. Not before starting to engage in sexual relations upon getting back together, not when he got sick, not when he went to get tested, but friggin' waited until he had results. How thoughtful. /s

What would you tell your good friend? "Oh, that's all right. No red flags there whatsoever. Run along. I'm sure moving to another city will be the perfect thing for your relationship."

If you cared anything for your friend, you'd want them to think long and hard over the past actions of their lover. You'd want them to ignore what they've been told and judge their lover's actions.

You need to be that friend to yourself. You need to think long and hard whether this relationship is healthy for you. You need to decide if your partner is going to be 100% honest, clean and sober, and true to you from here on out. You need to make that decision before the move, not after.

[ccameron]

Thank you Intaglio for your response. I have since left him and planned to move on my own. I actually just got my rapid test back and it was negative, thankfully.

I do need to be that friend to myself and stop judging this only with my feelings for him. The facts are clearly there. I am guessing he had been cheating on me for most of our relationship. Its sad because I really thought I knew him, and he truly cared for me, but obviously I was wrong.

I think the drug/alcohol abuse played a key role in all of this and my advice to anyone dealing with a similar situation is to get them into rehabilitation or therapy before its too late.

I still want to be supportive to him and it seems like this may be the thing that can turn his life around. I just wish it didn't have to come to this.

Thank you again.

[mecch]

It may be that his lies are related to drink or drugs. Maybe not.
Habitual lying may basically be a character flaw.
Anyhoo, your gut already told you he might be a liar, long before he copped to it. Your gut was protecting you.  But, you still love him.  So maybe if all he lied about is sex, and now sex is out of the picture, you can be friends. 

Simply in solidarity to my HIV+ brothers and sisters, it dosn't sit well with me when HIV negative people paint unflattering images of their "cheating" "lying" "substance abusing" HIV+ lovers, ex lovers, etc.  I guess that's all true about yours but hmmm.   On the other hand, your friend isn't in this forum telling his side of the story, and getting support about doing well with HIV, and that's a pity, in my opinion. 

[ccameron]

Mecch,

I am not trying to paint a negative picture of him. If anything I am trying to hold him in high regard.  I still love and care for him and do not entirely blame his status on his lifestyle. Its a very unfortunate thing that happened and I am simply trying to find support and peace.

Also I have encouraged him to seek out support. I think it would be very helpful for him to tell his story, because there are always two sides. He is a wonderful person and this certainly is not something he deserved. However I do feel his substance abuse has put his life and my life in danger. The fact that he would be out many nights of the week blackout drunk and high on cocaine did not lead him to make healthy, informed decisions. That's just reality.

I do agree with you that this disease is still very stigmatized with a certain lifestyle. It is inaccurate and misleading. What happened to him could happen to anyone. There are ways of protecting yourself and precautions you must take in order to be safer. I will continue to encourage him to educate himself and seek out support. I would like to remain friends with him.

Thank you for your support.