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Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: justsomeguy on August 07, 2006, 07:14:31 pm

Title: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: justsomeguy on August 07, 2006, 07:14:31 pm
I just tested postive.  I'm a gay guy who has never been fucked or sucked dick.  I have always fucked with a condom on.  How is this possible??  Everything I have read says not one case has been reported from kissing or ass eating.  I'm not in denial, I just don't see how its possible.  Has anyone tested positive in a similar situation or know of someone who has? Thanks.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Matty the Damned on August 07, 2006, 08:07:21 pm
I don't understand either. Something just doesn't stack up here. Kissing and rimming (arse eating) are most certainly not risk factors. Properly used condoms prevent transmission. We've got 25+ years of iron clad evidence on that.

Was there some other risk activity that might explain your positive diagnosis?

MtD
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: lydgate on August 07, 2006, 08:34:00 pm
Did you test positive with two antibody tests, a screening (Elisa) test and a confirmatory (Western Blot) test?

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. You're not in denial but there must be some degree of shock. Well: take a few deep breaths; try to focus on one thing at a time and one day at a time. You've found the right place for education and support. The next few days and weeks are probably going to feel like a rollercoaster ride you didn't sign on for, but it gets better, I promise.

I know you're trying to figure out how you could possibly have tested positive, given your sexual history. Try not to obsess over that too much; I know it's a cliche, but it's the future that matters. And there's plenty of time to puzzle over the Howthefuck? later; right now, your priority should be your mental health and support strategies.

And welcome to these forums.

Jay
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Life on August 07, 2006, 08:41:22 pm
Just as Matty and Jay said, I echo the same.  I am sorry you have found your self being +ve...  How this could and why?  Well, you can spend the rest of your life trying to figure out that scenario.   Wasted effort.. Don't build this gigantic war story which will only lead to self-pity and remorse.  Certainly these cant be simply shut out, but you do not have to linger there for to long.  Stick close to those who care of which you will find so so many of us who do care.  Keep posting and let us know a bit about you as to better help you through a very strange time.   And I say strange as this to shall pass and you will move on and out of this "feeling"

All my Best,
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: jkinatl2 on August 07, 2006, 10:52:51 pm
This is a compelling reason why I should not be posting on this forum.

Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Robert on August 07, 2006, 11:28:19 pm
Is it possible you had a "false" postivie?

Get tested again (maybe at another lab) and then see where matters lay.  If the tests come back positive again, well, like the others said, don't look for guilt, shame, anger or fear.  I know it's not easy, especailly at the beginning, but acceptance is a big part of fighting this disease.

robert
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: justsomeguy on August 08, 2006, 10:20:39 am
Nothing. No risky behavior.  I have certainly had sex with HIV+ guys, some I knew about and many I'm sure I didnt know. I have never even gotten an STD!!  No crabs, nothing.  I know I have to move on but am having a hard time without connecting it to my life.  If not through semen or blood to blood then how??  I think both tests were done.  I've had the same doctor for 20 years in the city and he happens to have many HIV+ patients, so I'm sure he's correct/did everything right.  I get the CD4 test and viral load test back today.  It is very troublesome because I am just returning to the city, unemployed and with no insurance.  Also most of my old friends are not around anymore, so not a lot of people I know.  It actually suits me well, but the loner thing will probably not be the best situation.  Even writing this is a challenge.  I appreciate the kind responses.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Dachshund on August 08, 2006, 10:38:40 am
There is a certain vagueness to your post that I find troubling. You must understand we receive a post like this every week that usually ends in an argument. People immediately go on the defensive.

I am sorry to be so blunt but no one cares how you became positive. We do care about you because you are positive. I will hold my opinions abut your status until you provide a bit more detailed info about test results.

Peace,
Hal
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: ACinKC on August 08, 2006, 10:42:17 am
I am sorry you have tested positive if that indeed turns out to be the case.  I hope you take the advice of others and CONFIRM this.

I am with Matty and lyd on this... something is missing but if you have aquired the "lovely parting gift" it does not matter how.



Andrew
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: justsomeguy on August 08, 2006, 10:52:37 am
Yup, I guess it doesnt matter.  Like I said, its difficult to move forward when it feels so disconnected to my life.  I'm certainly not trying to start an arguement here.  My mind is racing from one thing to the next, but it keeps getting pulled back to how.  Today's viral load count would be confirmation.  My doctor took an extra vial of blood to run a second test if the viral load come's back emptry, negative whatever.  I'm concerned about signing up for ADAP insurance and then getting a job in a few months.  Won't my new employer discover my status when I switch to their health plan?  I'm also not sure I want to "register" at GMHC in NY.  Has anyone else had experience with them?  Is there anything you would not do again if you discovered this today?  Thanks for the feedback.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Dachshund on August 08, 2006, 11:02:21 am
Slow down and take a deep breath...you are putting the cart before the horse. Your labs and talking to your doctor should be your focus. If positive all the other "stuff" will fall into place. You are going to need a clear head and patience...try to quit dwelling on the "what if's."

Good luck,
Hal
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: joyluckclub on August 08, 2006, 01:43:40 pm
Hi!

I went through the same shock you are going through right now.  I thought I was doing all the right things; abstaining from sex, wearing a condom, testing when I was sexually active, etc..  My good friend had to set me straight (no pun intended):

"Bad things happen to good people"

Furthermore, the support I have received from the forums made me realize and confront the basic premise that,

"It doesn't matter how you contracted the virus, it now matters how you deal with the situation"

Again, wait until the results of your labs come back.  It does no good to worry.

I know you may think its "Easier said than done", but it is the truth.

As far as the ASO's (Aids Service Organizations) are concerned, most understand how important privacy is to their clients. 

If your results come back positive, shop around to find an ASO you are comfortable with.   

Moreover, take many deep breaths.

I again say, its not important how you contracted HIV (if your labs come back positive), it is now more important that you focus on finding support.

Corwyn
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: justsomeguy on August 08, 2006, 09:00:39 pm
My doctor just called and said my cd4 count is at 400.  This doesnt sound good.  He won't have the viral load back until tomorrow.  He said all the other tests are fine.  From what I'm reading on here, meds should start 350-400??
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Life on August 08, 2006, 09:59:07 pm
That is true 350-400.  But that is trended labs.  Meaning 2 or 3 sets of labs over time (3 months or so).  Cd4's fluctuate like the tide...   Dont flip out... Chill and see what the viral load is presently...  In the meantime, get a glass of wine and flip on an episode of Giligan's Island and know you are taking care of yourself hon..

Love
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: DingoBoi on August 08, 2006, 10:00:20 pm
no.. one test is not any reason to start meds.

Normal cd4 is 500+

Yours is slgihtly below but that can happen in anyone and until you have a western blot and a viral load test, it doesn't mean you are positive.

Nobody here I think would recommend starting meds until you have at least a confirmed positive result and 3 consecutive tests indicating a strong decline.

If you really are newly infected, your cd4's will likely bounce back strongly.  many people never need meds until many years after initial infection.

Breathe, take a walk, spend time witht friends.

Test results are only a snapshot in time and it's really on trends that matter.   Unless you have labs results that indicate cd4 under 200 (which i don't expect) you should NOT start meds until you have at least 3 lab results that indicate a declining cd4 and the real need for meds.

Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: longone on August 08, 2006, 11:17:52 pm
Looks like "kinatl2" has it right as usual.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: DingoBoi on August 08, 2006, 11:46:45 pm
edit to not hijack
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: justsomeguy on August 09, 2006, 02:27:05 pm
I just got a voicemail from my doctor telling me my viral load was at 11,000.  I'm wondering why my cd4 count is low at 400 and vl also low?  I thought it was usually the opposite?  Thanks for all your responses.  I truly appreciate it.  If I offended anybody by my earlier posts, it was not intentional.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Dachshund on August 09, 2006, 02:58:57 pm
If you haven't taken the time to read the lessons thread found at the top of this forum you should do that now. It will explain T-cells and viral loads and all that good stuff and answer many of your questions. It is easily readable and a wealth of information.

No one is offended, you ask whatever you feel you need to ask. We will try to give you honest answers. Your numbers are not that bad...when do you see your doctor? Empower yourself with knowledge and keep us posted.

It is going to be okay.
Hal

Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: frenchpat on August 09, 2006, 03:23:24 pm
Hi,

just adding my voice to the choir, saying: try not to worry about how - put your enegy into what you must do from now on. After some time you may even find that your need to know or understand is not there anymore because your reality has shifted somewhat and your priorities are different.
Get quality sleep, good food, exercise, and breathe!

I am sorry you had to join us but happy that you found us so quickly

a very warm welcome

Pat
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: justsomeguy on August 09, 2006, 05:41:22 pm
My ratio is .9 on the cd4.  My doc says this is good.  I had an ear infection and cold before I went in for testing and he said that that could be the reason for the lower cd4 count of 400.  He wants to wait and see after another test in November.  Thanks again for the nice notes.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: lydgate on August 10, 2006, 12:29:09 am
Yep, the ratio is good, it's almost 1. The higher the ratio the better. And you should ask your doctor for your CD4 %age, which is a more stable number over time; the absolute CD4 count can fluctuate quite a bit. Jay
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: allopathicholistic on August 10, 2006, 08:14:36 am
I'm also not sure I want to "register" at GMHC in NY.  Has anyone else had experience with them?   

why the apprehension about the gmhc? having been around for so long, they have their strengths. they have counselors who guide poz folks in terms of applying for medicaid, government assistance. in my case, by reading the gmhc fact sheets and talking to the staff i was probably 4-5X more prepared/organized than i would've been had i not sought guidance. the staff helps clarify a lot of service myths and eligibility myths out there. and of course it won't cost you a penny

alex

Is there anything you would not do again if you discovered this today?  Thanks for the feedback.

???  like what? it's early in the morning, brain is still foggy
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: justsomeguy on August 10, 2006, 11:54:38 am
I am concerened about privacy at GMHC.  NY is really a small town and I still have to get a job, get insurance.  Friends of an ex also volunteer there and from what I remember (it was a while ago) they were not the most discreet about clients.  I'm not crazy about putting all my info in the GMHC database.  Do I get mailings, does everyone have access to the database?  I'm not in a great position financially and will feel much more comfortable after I get a job.

As far as things to do differently regarding what notes to take, what agencies to deal with, how to apply for assistance and what not to do or do.  This may seem ridiculous to some of you, but I don't have a big support system and few options.  I just want to be careful and not screw up the few I do have.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Gilles on August 10, 2006, 01:27:50 pm
Dont worry about first CD count...my first one was 432, and it had to do with a fact that I was just then tested positve. The next one 760 so obviously when I got over the intital shock the viral load  bouced back.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Dachshund on August 10, 2006, 02:03:55 pm
Look, without a job and health insurance you are going to need to know how to access services. How do you pay for doctor visits and lab work now? I can't imagine they are inexpensive...and if you do need to start meds you are looking at at least 1,500 a month for meds. You need to know what services are available and worrying about gossip ain't going to get it done. Remember, you don't walk into an ASO and walk out with every thing you need...it takes time and will try your last nerve.

Now get on the phone or your computer and start asking GMHC the questions you are asking us. They don't need to know who you are...for all they know you are asking for a friend. You can ask us these questions till the cows come home...bottom line we can't access services for you. You will have to do it, and you can do it. Empower yourself with knowledge and you will do just fine. Now get to it! ;)

Hal
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: appleboy on August 16, 2006, 03:19:04 pm
Just,
Looks like you got lots on your plate at the moment.  I am still confused if you have had a Western Blot or not.  Technically you need the Western Blot to prove the ELISA test positive since it can have false positives.  I will say in me research of HIV a Viral Load test can be false too (Usual false Viral Load tests hit in the 10,000 range)  So without the Western Blot you have unanswered questions.  Sorry if you said for sure you had one and I looked over it.  I agree with all that have been posting in saying that it does not matter how you got it but how you deal with it.  It is not easy but it will get easier with time.  I always say it is not about how bad of a hand we were dealt but how we play that hand. 
Know we are all here for ya!  Hugs
AppleBoy
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: PaGuy2005 on September 05, 2006, 02:45:08 pm
I don't have insurance.  I get free meds through the Ryan White Healthcare Act.  It's only for those who make under 30,000 a year though.  As far as doctor visits, and lab tests, I just pay what I can and they accept it.  The Ryan White Healthcare Act covers many immunizations, supplements, and non HIV related medications as well.  I wouldn't be alive without it.  Check in with your local city health clinic and get yourself a good case worker. Good luck. ;D
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: flight62 on September 06, 2006, 11:38:24 am
Hi
I have been poz since 1988. Over these years my counts have gone up and down and all around. I am NOT the poster child of good living poz guys. I say that because in almost 19 years I am not on meds and my last cd4 was 530 and viral load of 10,000. I refuse to go on meds as my counts are consistant and do not want to put any more poison in my body than it already takes in.

I can tell you that you are very lucky to find all this out in 2006 and not 1988. There was no support...no one to hold your hand or comfort you. It was a death sentence and watching others around you die only made it worse. I still cry for the hundreds that walked the streets of NY and SF looking like they just stepped out of a nazi concentration camp with the purple splotches, wondering why the hell I was still alive.

I am still confused as to why I am alive but I am thankful and try to live with HIV as opposed to the many years feeling like I was emotionally dying from HIV. The transition has been difficult but if I can help just ONE person to know they are loved and ok, I can leave this world happy and at peace.

You will have awkward days as you are now part of the 3 Scarlet Letter Club. It will be with you until there is a cure or until you die. MANY will love and embrace you. MANY will battle their own mortality and abandon you. BUT, that's why we're here...to lift you when nobody else will, to inspire you when your life seems bleak, and encourage you when you just seem so down you could just end it now.

We've all been there and understand.

As for GMHC, I can't say enough good things about them. GO GO GO!!! I no longer live in NY, but when I did they were an important part of my life.

Good luck and always listen to your body. You know it better than anybody. :)

[attachment deleted by admin]
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Longislander on September 11, 2006, 04:10:31 am
Hi Buddy, I'm 9 months into it, all I want to tell you is if you can, stay away from Callen-Lorde. They made my 1st 7 months of this a living hell.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: o on September 14, 2006, 05:48:08 pm
Dear someguy...

Just like you, i still have no idea how i got the virus... and from whom. it has been now 1 and a half years, and i think it is not important any more who i was infected. the real thing is that i am hiv+

i learned to live with it a bit, but it is always somehow there. you will also calm down, just give yourself time.
and now that there are so many of us like you.

for ur cd4 and everything... funny, the first time i got tested, it was 400 tcells as well, it went up a bit around 740, down a bit 540 or something. and u will also learn not to worry each time about ur numbers as well as long as you feel ok...


and the first times, it was a big help for me to read about nutrition. i had bought a lot of supplements. and taking them made me believe i was doing something to save myself. and perhaps i was. if u read it as well, will it be a bit of distraction for u?

kisses and hugs
o

Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: justsomeguy on September 15, 2006, 01:54:47 am
Thanks for the recent comments.  It's been a month since my diagnosis and I'm feeling better.  No use in trying to figure out how, just accepting and living healthy.  Initially I was worried about every little thing, but I'm chillin out...a little bit anyway, lol.  I still have not gone to GMHC, but I have plans to next week and apply for ADAP.  I think I just needed a few weeks to process the whole thing.  One of the hardest parts has been sex.  I had a few regular sex buddies, all negative and a couple flipped out.  It's also a bitch to have limitations and face all this weird judgement.  If I had been diagnosed with diabetes or cancer even, I don't think I would get this kind of response.  Thanks for the advice (I don't remember who it was) not to tell everybody.  That was the best advice I received honestly.  I only told two of my close friends and of course recent sexual partners.  I may reveal to more over time, but I really appreciate keeping that option in my court.  So thanks to whomever mentioned that.

While I don't feel the same as before the diagnosis, I feel a little more adjusted.  And I feel like I'm not going to die tomorrow.  Unless I get hit by a bus, lol.  The sex thing I still have to work out.  And I am definetly more aware of my mortality.  But at 42 that was happening anyway, lol.

Thanks to everyone on this forum for being so supportive.  I admire you for being here and listening with such patient responses.  You must surely be up for some karmic mojo in return  ;)
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: pozniceguy on September 15, 2006, 01:02:51 pm
Sounds like you are really joining the + community..welcome again...I think you have now found out who the "friends" really are....some will disappear and others will take their place..some will spread bad news to others for no real purpose except gossip ..ignore them keep moving on ..there is a whole life for you out there...Don't be afraid to use all the resources available to you ..The medical community has started to treat this as  just another long term disease....most hardly notice the condition since they have now been trained to really avoid infections of all sources......  If there is a clinic or other source of help  tap into it...

Good luck and welcome again

Nick
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: tommy420 on March 20, 2007, 10:51:33 pm
I just wanted to say that each and every one of you guys are very brave, and your positivity brings tears to my eyes. Having a forum like this is so important for one another. I just had one comment to make, and I hope no one takes it in a wrong way.

I understand that once you guys found out you were positive, the question of how you contracted it became a non-issue, since it was more of a matter of focusing on the virus and moving on. However, don't you think it's also important to reflect upon how you acquired the disease? For example, justsomeguy admitted that he never engaged in any risky activity, and used condoms every single time he had anal sex. Others in this forum have also admitted that they've never had anal sex and acquired HIV. Don't you think it's important to focus on how it could have been transferred so that we can educate the public better about HIV? I mean, maybe HIV isn't as difficult to transmit as once thought if people who are practicing safe sex are also acquiring it. This is just a suggestion...i personally feel that it is important to discuss how the virus was acquired, and maybe the moderators can start a new chat room for those who are willing to share their story.

I admire each and every one of you guys, and learn more and more from you each day. Stay well everybody.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: milker on March 20, 2007, 11:04:54 pm
I'm sorry but I have a problem with the original post and this recent post.

Spank me but I think it's a fake that is trying to scare people.

Milker.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Bucko on March 21, 2007, 12:49:03 am
I started reading this without looking at the date. Once it dawned on me that it had all been back last summer, my mind switched gears and I wondered where it would all go.

Now we find a WW who has so much free time that he can resurrect a thread that's been dead for months?

I'm with you, Milkie...something's fishy about this whole thing.

Brent
(Who, like some girls, wandered in by mistake)
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: tommy420 on March 21, 2007, 03:31:46 am
I apologize for bringing this thread back. I'm new to this site, so I was reading some of the archived stuff. I found this one intereseting, and felt like commenting on it. I think it would be interesting to have a topic which discusses how readers acquired HIV, since some of them claim that they did everything by the book but got infected anyway. Just a thought. Hope I didn't piss anyone off.
Title: Re: I don't understand how this is possible
Post by: Andy Velez on March 21, 2007, 08:13:59 am
Tommy, you have no business posting in any HIV+ section. Stay out of them or you will risk being banned.

Apologies don't apply here. You have pissed people off with what you have written. Consider yourself warned.

I'm going to lock this thread. If the originator of this thread has more to say I'm going to assume he will begin another thread and he's welcome to do so if he wishes.