This one's been beaten to the ground

[LowProPoz]

I know this topic has been brought up by so many, but since I'm new to this site I want to hear what you guys have to say.

I was diagnosed about 3 years ago and want to know about dating options.  I have to come to the determination that I don't have to disclose my status unless it comes to the point of sex.  But I have noticed that I tend to distance myself from people when it starts to get there.  BTW, I turned in my whore card when I was diagnosed for those out there asking.  I don't jump in the sack within 5 minutes of learning your name anymore.  Back to what I was saying.  I find myself pulling away from a guy when the relationship starts to take that sex road.  More and more time goes by between phone calls and when they do happen they're not very long. 

I know it's a classic case of fear of rejection, but I also don't want to be the poster child of HIV in my neighborhood.  (I live in the gayborhood of my city and am very well known.) I say well known in the social sense not the sexual.  It's like 3 degrees of separation out here.  I have to tell one person something and by the end of the night everybody knows.

I'm only 27 and the stigma that HIV carries scares the shit out of me.  Is my only option othe positive men?  That's what it's looking like right about now.

[Seadickrun]

I joined this site hoping to meet a poz guy to date.  So far, I'm just getting offers from guys in Africa who want to put money in my bank account or "flirts" from guys living on the other side of the country.

When I first turned poz about 6 years ago, I had the same debate.  I got rudely rejected a few times so I just started wearing it on my sleeve and making sure it was the first word in any online profile I had.  I went to a few poz socials in town but they were lame and I've pretty much given up on the idea of dating again. The overwhelming majority of poz guys I have met either have a meth problem, an alcohol problem, or are addicted to pain killers.  And the rest of the gay community does the DDF UB2.

I also live in a gayborhood and used to bartend - its been a long time since I met someone new.  And when I do meet someone new, I just assume they are negative and don't want anything to do with me so I'm stand offish - which they take for stuck up and wonder what my problem is:))

I try to feel sorry for myself but my negative friends have it just as bad as I do for dating - Seattle just doesn't seem to be relationship oriented. 

[mecch]

Thanks for sharing. Struggling with same questions myself now that 6 months poz. It helps that I told most friends quickly. But what to say to people I might date? Also I am on HAART and sometime in next few weeks should reach undetectable. Its a bit surreal. Its my new reality.
I'm sure I'm heading more in Seadickrun's direction - wear it on my sleave for dating.  Kinda don't want it to be public knowledge professionally, though, and thats only 2 or 3 degrees of separation from dating scene.
Hey if you handing in your whore card, why do you say you are not well known in the sexual sense? I handed in my whore card too, but am discovering that many people remember me very well from my whore days so that genie is out of the bottle already!

[Moffie65]

I'm only 27 and the stigma that HIV carries scares the shit out of me.  Is my only option othe positive men?  That's what it's looking like right about now.

Three years HIV+?  Time for you to move out of the freshman class.  First off, you are going to be HIV+ for the rest of your life, and to hold on to "someone elses'" stigma is a terrible waste of energy.

Comming out of the HIV closet is highly recommended for someone in their twenties, such as you are.  You can very soon start building a life that is both open and embraces the HIV living in your body.  I didn't say to celebrate it, but simply embrace the fact that it is now part of who you are.  Doing so will be the first step in a productive and happy life that will obliterate many of the questions you now have about living a good and social life. 

If a man doesn't want to date you because of your status, don't spend one iota of emotion on that person, because they aren't worth your while in the first place.  I cannot say that my life example should be a guide for anyone here, but I met my sweetheart a full five years after my diagnosis, and told him the first night I met him that I was positive and wasn't going to change that status any time soon.  His response was classic; "so fucking what?".  Needless to say, I was stopped in my tracks by someone who really and genuinely didn't care about my status.  He was and always has been HIV- and has no fear of me, yet I cannot say the same for my ability to infect him.  That is my baggage and not his.  Afer 22 years, we are still very much in love and only last night were joking about what we are both going to do when both of our memories go to hell in a handbasket.  We decided we would use this loss for entertainment and laugh it off.

Why do I tell you that?  Simply because we cannot predict the future, and for you to shut anyone out because of stigma or anything else, then turns your life power over to others outside of your sphere.  Why would you or anyone else do that.  The obvious choice is to make a life that is both full and honest, and to do that, we all need to be open and honest about our infections.  If anyone cannot deal with that; fuck em, we don't need them in our lives. 

Honestly, this might take some time, but remember, life is short and time will pass by very quickly.  I personally cannot belive I have been living for 25 years with this bug in my body, but I guess that is the shocking truth, and I just cannot think of how miserable it would have been if I had attempted to do so in secret.  Nasty headache that brings up.

Just my thoughts.

[Gary85741]

Dating is a real challenge, and likely made moreso since we're a subset (HIV+.)  As far as that goes, consider that HIV asymptomatic and HIV symptomatic can sometimes be a sub-subset.  If you look like you have HIV, even some asymptomatic HIV guys will retreat from you, just like some HIV- will retreat from HIV+.

For any of us interesting in dating or hoping for a LTR, I hope we are realistic when it comes to our prerequisites.  I have (HIV) friends who wonder why the are single.  Yet they reject someone because they don't have a car, or not the "right" car, don't have a lot of money, don't have a perfect body, don't have the right kind of job or none at all, don't have identical interests, don't go to the gym, or the one I hear a lot...not "sexually compatible."  As far as that last one goes, I think it's sad that so-called sexual compatibility becomes a deal-breaker.  I think people can find a common ground or compromise with that and things work out.  I, strange person I guess I am, would more value having a real emotional connection if it came down to it. 

Don't get me wrong, we all have some preferences, and that's normal and human.  But I see too many guys with these lengthy laundry lists of minor, irrelevant, or superficial requirements that simply serve to lock out opportunities to at least see what might happen.   So the next time we wonder why we "can't find" anyone, let's think of who we rejected in our past and why.

Gary 

[LowProPoz]

Hey if you handing in your whore card, why do you say you are not well known in the sexual sense?

I ran with a different crowd in those days in a different area.  I still run into the occassional trick, but it's kind of an unwritten rule, You don't know me and I don't know you.

[MitchMiller]

If you live in a major metropolitan region, there's probably an HIV+ social group for msm.  Another way is to post an online profile stating you're HIV+.  That gets the whole issue out of the way. 

I recently found a large HIV+ social group in LA when I was bored and reading ads on Craigs List.  The last event was a house party attended by nearly 100 people.

[Texan38]

I don't jump in the sack within 5 minutes of learning your name anymore. 

Well, at least you would get a name. To me, knowing someones name was too much information for me. I was very much into one night stands and quickies - no names. Then there came a point in my life, and just recently too, where I wanted more.  I would push guys away. I didn't want them to get to know me...but I just ended up living a lonely life. Dating is very difficult and there have been plenty times when I feel I just want to give up but what good would that do me? I'm going to keep trying. I've filed away my whore card (still have a tab on it though  ) and slowly started to break down the walls I've put up around me and try to meet for a man with a good head on his shoulders instead of a good head below his waist! 

Lots of luck and Take Care!