Author Topic: Have You Prepared? (Read 9819 times)

marc11864 · « **on:** October 09, 2007, 09:59:38 pm »

My case manager at a local HIV Advocacy Agency, suggested that I put together an Advance Directive and a Will for when I either become incapacitated or die.

How many of you have done this already? Did you find it difficult to do on any level? Was it expensive? If you have created any of these, how soon after you were diagnosed did you create it?

Marc

David_CA · « **Reply #1 on:** October 09, 2007, 10:17:31 pm »

This is good topic and something everybody should do. We took care of it a few years ago pre-HIV(diagnosis). We've got the living will, dying will, powers of attorney... pretty much all the things that a same-sex couple has to do to be protected from one partner's death.

Emotionally, it wasn't difficult at all. It's just paperwork and signatures. I can see that, if one were really sick, this could be a really hard thing to do. This is exactly why I'd recommend one do it earlier rather than later. Some people don't think they have anything of value. They may not have a huge estate, but it makes things a lot easier for those who have to deal with all the after-death stuff. As to cost, I don't really remember.

David

Matty the Damned · « **Reply #2 on:** October 09, 2007, 10:20:06 pm »

Matty the Damned considered this a while back but dismissed it. Not because he's a member of the "death-is-too-scary-to-ponder" crowd, but because he's an atheist.

When I'm gone, I'm gone. Someone else can clean up the mess.

MtD

Moffie65 · « **Reply #3 on:** October 09, 2007, 10:36:41 pm »

Great question Marc,

Unlike Matty dearest, I had to face this dilema years ago, when I committed to my present partner. In 1995, we motored out to San Fransisco, to a Law partnership that was gay. They created an unbreakable Living Trust, and charged us much less than a thousand dollars. My partner and I are equal trustees in everything listed in the trust, and also our home and bank account. We own nothing. At that time, it cost around 3500 dollars to get the same product, but they were doing it for cost for people living with HIV/AIDS. I don't know if they are still doing it, but this is one approach if you are in a committed relationship and don't want surviving relatives to come in and gather up the spoils and leave your partner pennyless. My "Christian" family has committed to cleaning me out if I die, so they will be rudely surprised when they can't/don't get anything at all, because none of it is mine; it all belongs to the trust.

Sources for this might be now found on the net, so you might think of that. At any rate, I would create a living will, because you can name the people who can and cannot visit you during hospitalization, and it names a decision maker for your end of life issues. Now, a will for all your "stuff" is different, so I would also look into that. A Living Trust combines all these issues into one document and basicly doesn't allow anyone not listed in the document any say in anything.

We did this 12years ago.

ademas · « **Reply #4 on:** October 09, 2007, 10:47:17 pm »

My advance medical directive has been in place since '94.

My final arrangements have been in place since 2000.

I don't have a will, but I have POD (point of death) beneficiaries on my bank accounts, so various members of my family have access to my $$ upon my death.

I'll let them fight amongst themselves for the property (as if...)

milker · « **Reply #5 on:** October 09, 2007, 10:47:40 pm »

It's something I REALLY need to do. I have assets in France and in the US, so I'm wondering if I should contact the embassy, or if a US attorney can do this? How do you find an attorney? Friends? Yellow pages?

Milker.

Basquo · « **Reply #6 on:** October 09, 2007, 10:52:26 pm »

In Texas, you can fill out Advance Directives (Living Will, Medical Power of Attorney) at any hospital. Just ask for the chaplain or a social worker. It is up to you (or your designee) to provide a copy to the caregivers upon your admission (hospital, clinic, surgical center, long-term care.)

I know this because JCAHO (Joint Commision) was very big on this a few years back, and I audit medical records for this criteria monthly. It has to be witnessed by someone who is not the designated agent, and another person who is not an officer of the facility where it's drafted.

Very easy here in Texas. Unlike the rest of the crap we have to deal with in this grand state that we still, somehow, love to live in.

But what the hell is a "Dying Will"? Never heard of it.

leatherman · « **Reply #7 on:** October 09, 2007, 10:56:48 pm »

Just before my late partner passed away, we went online and got living wills and health care power of atty. (for the state of OH http://www.ohpco.org/living_will.htm). We were too poor to need a real will or trust; but did need documents so the doctors knew what we wanted done in that worse case scenario.

All you need for these docs are two witnesses. The living will covers DNR, etc. and the Power of Atty. gives someone whom you choose the right to make health care decisions for you if you are unable.

After 10 yrs of getting blood work done at the hospital, I finally got tired of them asking me about having a living will on file, fished it out and gave them a copy just a few months ago. I really do need to get those papers back out though and get my current partner to sign that power of atty, since the ones that Randy signed are obviously no longer any good.

It was difficult for me to do these papers the first time because we were already dealing with Randy being so sick at that time. However, doing them now isn't really much different than signing up a beneficary for life insurance. (thanks for the reminder really. I'm going to get mine updated tomorrow. better safe than sorry

)

Every adult should do those two docs sooner, rather than later. You may not be in the hospital dying of AIDS tomorrow, but you could be there, unconscious, on life-support after being hit by a bus. It would be prudent to have someone - whether it be a partner, a mother, a brother, or a close friend - to tell the doctors what you would want done, armed with a legal piece of paper.

mikie
(who is still poor to have a real will or to have made funeral arrangements)

komnaes · « **Reply #8 on:** October 09, 2007, 11:19:12 pm »

Quote from: milker on October 09, 2007, 10:47:40 pm

It's something I REALLY need to do. I have assets in France and in the US, so I'm wondering if I should contact the embassy, or if a US attorney can do this? How do you find an attorney? Friends? Yellow pages?

A local attorney will do Milker. Your will will be executed within US' jurisdiction, but during the preparation stage your attorney will need to arrange to get certain documents notarized to make sure that you actually own those assets (in particularly if they're real estates). It's then up to the legatees to sort out the legal matters while claiming your overseas assets.

I did my will, POA, changed the name of the primarily benefitee of my insurance in case of death to my brother and his wife (pathetically my ex's name remained on it for 3 years after we broke up), living will and everything else within the first 2 weeks after my diagnosis. As for other things, ever since I became single again 3 years I wrote and kept updating a locked document in a CD-ROM and my computer which only my brother has the password. It is mostly about where I keep certain documents, stuff which I would like to give to who, etc so he doesn't have to pick up the mess.

I reckon these are things that I would have done anyway (since I travel a lot for work), but not in such a speed. But I found it comforting, sort of, in putting everything in order. Knowing that my health problems and death will not be a massive burden to everyone else is important to me. I have also started researching on medical services and even hospices in cheaper places such as Thailand (the current winner is sort a shelter runs by monks and a hospital in northern Thailand, which looks like a resort!).

Shaun

David_CA · « **Reply #9 on:** October 09, 2007, 11:31:09 pm »

Quote from: Basquo on October 09, 2007, 10:52:26 pm

But what the hell is a "Dying Will"? Never heard of it.

Well, it's the opposite of a living will. It's the Will... the one that determines who gets what after death. Basically, though, it was a joke!

David

aztecan · « **Reply #10 on:** October 09, 2007, 11:35:07 pm »

I have advanced directives in place that I did back pre-cocktail. Actually, I was looking for them a while back and couldn't find them, so I will probably do another set.

Advanced directives for medical decisions is a crucial thing because it designates who will decide what is done when you (or me) are incapable of making decisions or of communicating them to doctors, loved ones, etc.

In other words, if I had a stroke and could not speak or write, who would make important medical decisions on my behalf?

That is what advanced directives are all about.

I highly recommend doing this, regardless of your age or income bracket.

HUGS,

Mark

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #11 on:** October 09, 2007, 11:35:14 pm »

I admit to having been a slacker with this, but plan on doing it I guess.

Queen Tokelove · « **Reply #12 on:** October 09, 2007, 11:36:32 pm »

A very good topic indeed. I have thought about it before but like Matty had dismissed it. It is a good thing to do even though I don't have much money and the little possessions I do have, I would want to go to someone who would take care of them as I have. Since I have disclosed to my roomie, I have mentioned my care since she took care of her husband who died from complications with diabetes. I would trust her with my care. I thought I saw that someone mentioned their ASO doing something, I will have to give my case manager a call and if she is not in then I will run it past their very lovable receptionist, Laurie. She is very knowledgeable for just being a receptionist and has no problems talking with her.

My one sister who is in the medical field had the audacity to think I would let her take care of me if I was ever unable to, as if. This was told to me by my oldest sister who knew better than to even mention her part in it. I could see them now dividing up my disability check. I'd be lucky if I got to smoke a joint, they would be on that as well. I know what I must do....Good thread.

thunter34 · « **Reply #13 on:** October 09, 2007, 11:41:27 pm »

This whole business becomes remarkably easier if you don't have jack shit anymore.

Oceanbeach · « **Reply #14 on:** October 10, 2007, 03:27:02 am »

I have been packing a blank file around for years. Having had the forms handed to me in a clinic where "quality of life" meant being able to get into a clinic van and ride to the clinic once each month, the terms and conditions that apply for "heroic measures" just don't sound inviting to me. Have the best day
Michael
(whose Term Life Insurance policy expires on BD # 70)

DanielMark · « **Reply #15 on:** October 10, 2007, 07:32:02 am »

I’ve drawn up both a "Will" and a "Living Will" but I must admit that like others I am not overly concerned. I trust the directives in my Living Will will be respected, if I am no longer able to make those decisions for myself.

For the material possessions – I really don’t much care about those. Never have. It's just stuff.

Daniel

bear60 · « **Reply #16 on:** October 10, 2007, 10:15:25 am »

OK. This is too important for me to pass by without a comment.
1. Anyone in a relationship should have all this done. Short of a marriage certificate, its the best way gay couples have of protecting our partner in the event of a serious illness or death.
2. Tim is correct: if ya aint got a dime then it dont make no matter. But if, like me, you own your own home and have investments to cushion old age, then it would be highly distressing to have this all go to my "next of Kin" rather than to my Life Partner. Kurt and I have reciprocal wills....I leave everything to him, he leaves everything to me.
3. We have joint accounts. All investments have our names on them with "transfer on death" to the survivor.
Us gay couples really have no protection under the law so we have to be a bit creative in protecting ourselves.
I know of a few cases where there was no will and EVERYTHING went to the family and the boyfriend got the boot.
quote Daniel: "
For the material possessions – I really don’t much care about those. Never have. It's just stuff."
Daniel it may be just stuff to you but when you are gone who gets it? Who is supposed to distribute it. Is there the possibility of a conflict in your family or etc over this topic. Maybe not in your case, but I have seen MANY conflicts arise when someone dies.

aztecan · « **Reply #17 on:** October 10, 2007, 11:07:45 am »

Joel hit it on the head.

If you die intestate, any property you own will have to be distributed by a probate judge.

In most cases and just about every state, the courts will find for a blood relation before they will give anything to a life partner, regardless of whether it is two men, two women or a man and woman who are not married.

Also keep in mind not all states have common law marriage. New Mexico does not recognize common law marriage for people living here or for people who move here from other states.

So, just for your peace of mind and that of your partner, should you have one, make out that will and make sure he or she does as well.

Now, about the living will or the advanced directive for medical care, that is also very important. Put it this way, who do you want to decide what type of medical care you will receive? Or, turn that around, who don't you want deciding what will happen to you?

Casts a whole new light on it, doesn't it? I knew someone whose family were religious fanatiics who believed God was going to cure him and, if not, at least take his soul into heaven.

I won't even go into the horrors he experienced, But, let me say, anyone who brings an arm waving, bible thumping, baptist witch doctor into my hospital room better be ready to be haunted because their ass is mine!

HUGS,

Mark

emeraldize · « **Reply #18 on:** October 10, 2007, 11:10:10 am »

Did all of this years ago, long before diagnosis. Keep a copy of my medical directive in my wallet. Have the box into which my cremains will go--it was my name sake's, has her name wood-burned inside and won't mean as much to anyone else and will become one with the earth. Don't remember what I paid my attorney long ago for will and directive. I create codicils as I have new notions due to changes in thought, others' needs or family size. My executrix, my sister, knows me and knows how I want to handle things on paper and philosophically. I think being raised by a nurse and living next to a graveyard (no joke) helped me get this sort of stuff done easily because burials were a regular part of the backdrop. Our culture doesn't like to talk about death or sex. Gee, how boring. Did you see MtD's link to Girls and Corpses? I die-gress.

Iggy · « **Reply #19 on:** October 10, 2007, 11:59:01 am »

Actually Jeromy and I both discussed this recently and will be doing this together shortly.

Since I have no estate to speak of my only real concern is that of the living will which will leave Jeromy in charge of any decsions. Really such a horrible burden to lay on his shoulders, but one that I know he will follow through with my wishes vs. any that some of my family may have in regards to their own personal beliefs whether based off of religious or societal views.

Similar notion behind that of a burial and funeral. My family will be free to do as they wish with any kind of memorial service that gives them comfort for who am I to deny their pathway to seeking some solace...but as for my body and disposal wishes itself - I'm stipulated cremation and disbursement of the ashes. No burial, no plot, no wasted expenses.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #20 on:** October 10, 2007, 12:40:32 pm »

Jesus... do you even have a wedding ring yet?

Dan J. · « **Reply #21 on:** October 10, 2007, 12:46:08 pm »

I need to do this, just been putting it off... I have the paperwork somewhere. I think.

StrongGuy · « **Reply #22 on:** October 10, 2007, 01:09:11 pm »

I got a living will during that whole Terry Schiavo mess. My friend found this website - legalzoom.com - that drafts them up and sends you a copy pretty quickly. I forgot what I paid, but know it was pretty reasonable (and I had a dioscount code too because of some special when my friend referred me). Once you get the documents you just have them signed/notarized. Very easy.

As for a will to decree my assets/power of attorney, etc., I went to a lawyer about 6 months ago because I knew it would be more complex than just doing it online through legal zoom. I still haven't finished it because every day I change my mind about who should handle things, inerit what, etc. Major point of tension with the BF, but I'll have to just suck it up and make some decisions.

I've seen how messy things can get when someone dies without a Will, so I'd recommend one under most circumstances.

Iggy · « **Reply #23 on:** October 10, 2007, 02:22:26 pm »

Quote from: philly267 on October 10, 2007, 12:40:32 pm

Jesus... do you even have a wedding ring yet?

No...though we did choose the style.

bear60 · « **Reply #24 on:** October 10, 2007, 02:41:57 pm »

Just for the record.......... Kurt and I went to a lawyer and had: 1. Living Wills and 2. Power of Attorney and 3. Wills... done as soon as we started living together. We considered ourselves "married" after that but never exchanged rings. I think exchanging rings is nice but without a marriage certificate its not quite as binding as a Will...lol. Bling....nice. Diamonds are a girls best friend.

DanielMark · « **Reply #25 on:** October 10, 2007, 04:23:21 pm »

Quote from: bear60 on October 10, 2007, 10:15:25 am

quote Daniel: "
For the material possessions – I really don’t much care about those. Never have. It's just stuff."
Daniel it may be just stuff to you but when you are gone who gets it? Who is supposed to distribute it. Is there the possibility of a conflict in your family or etc over this topic. Maybe not in your case, but I have seen MANY conflicts arise when someone dies.

If anyone is idiotic enough to want to fight over anything I have after I'm six deep they can do so with my blessing. I couldn't care less about anyone who is that petty or pathetic. The people that matter to me are all included in my will and my executor has been appointed. The rest can rip each other's heads off if they want to.

Daniel

pozattitude · « **Reply #26 on:** October 10, 2007, 04:54:20 pm »

I have a living will and another will that may or may not change.
Like the Damned one, I am an atheist (I know this is such a dirty word to some people...just imagine the look on the jury's face when I was a witness in a trial and when they asked me to "swear on the Bible" I said "No, I don't believe in the bible)...I'm getting of track here....
anyway...I have it written in my will...no tubes, no machines, if I can't wipe my own ass anymore, it is time to checkout...no religious anything during or after my death (I was brough up Catholic and they try to get a priest to anoint you on your death bed). I will have a green funeral (my body will be in a burlap bag, there will be no cemetery sort of speak...just dig a hole, dump the body and plant a tree on top of it)...unless the state doesn't allow it (in which case it will be cremation).
Financially, if I have anything left to my name and I am single at the time, it will go to my parents if they are alive, otherwise it will all go to an HIV/AIDS organization ( right now the San Francisco AIDS Foundation).
of course I am hoping to leave anything I may have to someone special...
Where are you someone special?

Rich
(who does not fear death)

pozniceguy · « **Reply #27 on:** October 10, 2007, 05:45:35 pm »

Marc.. as you can see many of us have done this....personally ,several times, as I have moved from place to place ( different rules apply in different states) 1. a directive for medical care preferably a DNR,,,,,and hope that where ever you end up the Dr's will accept that....2. a Will that designates an executor and specifically states who gets whatever is left ( in my case certain charities) and 3. a prepaid funeral arrangement....not an insurance policy but prepaid services.....exactly what YOU want.....I carry a card with a phone number that will reach a person who is ready to do all that is in the prepaid services contract.....

The only thing that cost anything of note was the prepaid services...these are available from $600 to many thousands....you choose what you want.... the will was prepared by a local lawyer who really just updated the old ones to comply with Texas statues...only charged $75.00

For my personal situation I didn't want to leave any of the issues unresolved.....there is only one decision to make...call that phone number....

Nick

Oceanbeach · « **Reply #28 on:** October 10, 2007, 05:46:08 pm »

Quote from: milker on October 09, 2007, 10:47:40 pm

It's something I REALLY need to do. I have assets in France and in the US, so I'm wondering if I should contact the embassy, or if a US attorney can do this? How do you find an attorney? Friends? Yellow pages?

Milker.

Hey Milker,

Try this site www.findlaw.com Have the best day
Michael

kennyboi · « **Reply #29 on:** October 10, 2007, 06:15:21 pm »

Hi Marc,

An advanced directive is not very difficult to establish. Although advanced directives were enacted in 1992 and are recognized in all 50 states (to some degree), my personal recommendation is to look at having a durable power of attorney for health care. This is also known as a health care proxy. A living will is sometimes challenged, and challengeable. It is vital that you select someone who really knows your wishes and desires in the event you become incapacitated and unable to communicate. Best of luck!!!

Peace,

Ken

BT65 · « **Reply #30 on:** October 10, 2007, 06:55:00 pm »

I had the living will, will and Power-of-Attorney and Authorized Health Care Representative (to be the first one to decide what happens if my health fails, POA second choice) back in '94 when I had the wasting and went down to 78 lbs. Where I had mine done was at Notre Dame Legal Aid, so it didn't cost me anything. They were doing my divorce, so they just threw that in. I updated it a few years back and gave the copies to the proper "authorities."

newbernswiss · « **Reply #31 on:** October 10, 2007, 09:23:56 pm »

My partner and I have done everything we know possible: Living Will, Advance Directives, Power of Attorneys, planned out and paid for funerals, placed everything we own in a trust so we or whomever in our trust can avoid probate and other legal challenges. We didn't want to leave any of these life opportunties for others to have to make decision which may or may not be what we want. We did find it costly for the trust but it was well worth the cash. We were able to take care of our family members in the event we should die together, and when only one of us dies it takes care of the other.

bear60 · « **Reply #32 on:** October 11, 2007, 09:34:10 am »

"placed everything we own in a trust " quote newbernswiss
......................
is this a "Trust Fund"? Can you tell us, who are interested, what is a trust fund? and why did you choose that?

Iggy · « **Reply #33 on:** October 11, 2007, 09:47:02 am »

Quote from: DanielMark on October 10, 2007, 04:23:21 pm

If anyone is idiotic enough to want to fight over anything I have after I'm six deep they can do so with my blessing. I couldn't care less about anyone who is that petty or pathetic. The people that matter to me are all included in my will and my executor has been appointed. The rest can rip each other's heads off if they want to.

Daniel

Daniel - just a thought on this - I have seen many times in my family the vultures come out following a death and it is not what they take so much as what they do in the name of the deceased that is horriffic.

I agree that once you are dead it doesn't matter much to you, but I do think if there are those who you care for that will be left behind that the it is a thought of them - It really does need to be the granting of material goods so much as the statement of your caring for them.

Peter6836 · « **Reply #34 on:** October 11, 2007, 09:48:10 am »

I have put everything in my sisters name. She is my patient advocate and beneficiary as well as the executor of my SO called estate. I do not plan on leaving much. I have gone to the funeral home and the cemetery and made arrangements there. My sister and I are close and she is 13 years younger than I am. My children are all in their twenties and I do not think it fair to burden them with any decision making. Besides I am concerned that they would be influenced by their mother!!!! My sister and I have talked about everything she is a nurse and has even told me that when the time comes I will be at her house not in a hospital if at all possible. I feel comfortable with this and am blessed to have her around.
Peter

vokz · « **Reply #35 on:** October 11, 2007, 10:11:33 am »

Quote from: milker on October 09, 2007, 10:47:40 pm

It's something I REALLY need to do. I have assets in France and in the US, so I'm wondering if I should contact the embassy, or if a US attorney can do this? How do you find an attorney? Friends? Yellow pages?

Milker,

From my own experience, if your assets in France are anything more than token, you will need to make special provision for them. Do not under any circumstances assume that French probate will respect a standard will drawn up in the United States (they don’t even respect most wills drawn up in other EU countries). If you don’t, you could very well create a situation where, although you have a valid will in the US, the French courts will regard you as dying intestate and will distribute your French assets accordingly.

Ideally, you should get someone with specialist knowledge of French law to take care of that – though not necessarily someone in France. It is a fairly standard procedure, so your US attorney should not have too much trouble finding someone who can advise him on this

Mark

dixieman · « **Reply #36 on:** October 11, 2007, 03:08:23 pm »

I've had a will since I was 18... everyone poz or neg should have a will drawn up... you can always have one revised later down the road if need be... my first will was only like $150.00 but, that was years ago... I have no idea what my latest one cost because, that was taken care of by my families attorney who is on retainer for his services...

randym431 · « **Reply #37 on:** October 12, 2007, 02:20:05 am »

This subject is just why this board is so important and to be taken serious. Its more than a "forum" on some subject, its a life line. I've NEVER ran across anything quite like this forum anywhere else.
That said...
As far as I understand, power of attorney ends with death, in the case of "un blood related or non legally married" persons. Just one of the main reasons gay marriage is so important to have as reality, damm the bigots that make it a religious issue. Its NOT!
And with that said...
You never know. You never know how "family" will react if one half of a "partnership" dies.
Take the advice in this thread and do as much as possible, but beware there are limits and hidden loop holes for "partnership long term relationships". Not quite cut and dried, as many think.

I seen my cousin's partner raped after my cousins aids death in 1991. Raped in that my cousins sisters and brothers came in and cleaned out everything. Ever the vacuum they bought together and pictures off the wall of them both. It was ugly. And something my cousins partner never expected, as they were always treated as "married". Just shows how people's true colors come out in bad situations of greed. They wouldn’t even let my cousins partners name be mentioned at the funeral. Like they never existed as lovers/partners. Like it was nothing. It can get really ugly.

So, I never expect this from my own immediate family (parents, sisters). However, pre-aids when my partner had an brain aneurism (that he recovered from), in the hospital when it was touch and go, we were approached by staff and suggested we do the will thing and power of attorney thing, which we did.

That was in 2000. Fast forward to 2007, for reasons I wont get into there has been a huge split in my immediate family. We're like a Jerry Springer show waiting in the wings to go on. But what stunned me a month ago was my sister telling me that my own father had commented to her that “he was worried” what would happen to “my” house if something "happened" to me. He was actually suggesting my partner had no rights to our shared property. That threw me for a loop, hearing that. And I NEVER expected it. Luckily my sister shot back, in my defense, that the house was in both my partners and my name, and that we did have will drawn up back after the 2000 aneurism incident. So there it is. A huge war in the making if something happens. And Like in the case of my cousin and his partner, I'd never seen it coming.

Just do what you need to do to protect yourselves. Trust NO ONE, (sadly) not even family. You never really know. Thats why we need gay marriage. Its importance cant be undermined or hijacked by the so-called religious bigots. And certainly not by some brain dead presidential candidate.
(my little 2 cents worth here)

SoSadTooBad · « **Reply #38 on:** October 12, 2007, 09:40:54 pm »

I had my end of life paperwork drawn up shortly after 9/11. Was not poz at that time, but figured anything could happen. Will, health care proxy, durable power of attorney, etc. I paid too much to have it done - a midtown Manhattan law firm charged me $1,600. But... I got a few Diet Cokes while I was there - has to be worth something right?

Also, loaded up on life insurance back when I could pass any physical - I am careful to pay my premiums on time, as there are few life insurance options our there for us now.

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Author Topic: Have You Prepared? (Read 9819 times)

Dan J.