Transsexuality

[Lostgirl]

Ladies.  It has been a while since my last posting - miss you all - but the last six months have been a struggle.  If anyone has the time, can you have a look at my posting on 'Living with HIV' re Transsexuality.  Have any of you any insight and advice for me?  Do I continue being the 'good wife' and live a lie and 'keep face' for my husband by presenting the image of a 'wonderful supportive marriage' to the rest of the world, or do I break free (heartbreaking tho it might be) and try and pick up the pieces of my life?  I briefly discussed it with a friend last week, and she left me confused by stating that I had to consider 'this stage in my life'.  I presume she meant that being in my 50s the struggle to regain some sort of happy solo lifestyle would be impossible!  I guess my huge unanswerable question is 'will I be happier on my own, not knowing (caring?) what my husband is up to or will I have greater peace of mind knowing that being here with him is the only thing that (at the moment) keeps him leading a safer and healthier lifestyle?

You are my inspiration.
LG

[BT65]

Lostgirl,

Are you saying your husband is having surgery to become a female, or is living as a female?  Because that's what transexuality is (living the opposite gender of what one is born).  I haven't read your post in Living With yet, but I will.

If you're truly unhappy in your marriage and it's not "fixable," then you might want to think about being on your own.  It's rough at first, but we ladies are strong people who are very resilient.  Are you seeing a therapist?   You might want to start if you're not already.  This is a very personal issue, and I hate to say a definite either way.  But please, choose yourself.
  Luv,
Betty

Edited to add:   Lostgirl, I just read your post in the other part of the forum.  I have no direct experience with this.  I agree with Ann, though.  Whatever happens, I'm sure you'll be alright.  You're one strong lady.

[Lostgirl]

Hi Betty  Thanks for your posting.  As you found out later, my husband has no wish to live as a female but has a sexual addiction to transsexuals - so far not men but rather I think it is the fact that because transsexuals look like females (apart from the obvious!) he can have the sex he desires but fool himself into thinking its 'not with a man'.  Now as you know from another posting I get things ahead of myself (I have corrected my impression to Madi that her husband was gay/bisexual(!) - its too much on my mind just now) and maybe I am putting ideas into my head that shouldn't be there.  Is my husband gay?  I guess I think he is because, for some reason or other, I can deal with that, but the transsexual thing - well it just doesn't compute with me at this moment in time!  I'll deal with it.  I just need some help and we are both looking to seek professional counselling in this.  Its just finding the right person.  We talk freely now, which is good.  He still lies, but if I look him in the eye long enough he eventually tells the truth and exactly what he is thinking!  I want him to stop trying to 'protect' me.  It didn't work before and it won't work now! 

Will keep you updated.
Take care.
Lorraine

[BT65]

Lorraine, whatever the outcome is, one of the hardest things (at least for me) to do is accept another person exactly as they are-not as I want them to be.  Now, whether or not I choose to let the person continue to be in my life is another story.  Just sayin'.

[Dragonette]

hi Lorraine,

I havent read the other thread yet, I agree w/ Betty, "it is what it is". people speculating on the reasons someone sleeps with transsexuals and saying its being gay are like people saying people sleeping with men do it b/c they are scared of women. That may or may not be true in some cases but the bottom line is gays are attracted to men and your husband isn't attracted to men but to transsexuals. He isn't the only one, they are quite in high demand.

Attracted is one thing but I understand he is compulsively acting out on this attraction. That is a major obstacle for a marriage whether it was with women, men or some dress-up fetish. And if you're still having sex with your husband you are at risk of catching STDs b/c not all of them are prevented by condoms (if you use them), I know about herpes and HPV, maybe there're more.

That must be shocking and upsetting to you, I can't imagine. But his problems arent yours. Because your family, friends are in another country, you might choose to go back and leave him to his addiction.
I wrote to Madi "in your own time" and same to you. In your own time. Though you might be overrun with thoughts, dont let it rush you, weigh your options.

My reply to Madi was different b/c she knew for a long time that her husband was running around and the tipping point now is the HIV. I didnt tell her not to leave just to think things out for her own best outcome, esp if a son is involved. With your husband its different, you can leave him easily and I am sure he would cooperate. But in a way its harder. she has had no real marriage for years but you have had what appeared to be a good one. Perhaps it still is but with your husband's compulsion looming over it, how long can it continue to be?
You are a strong woman and whatever the descision I think you will make the outcome the best, like you did with the HIV.
Its hard not to be angry with him. I myself am and I dont even know him. Maybe only couples therapy can help, not necessarily to keep you together but to keep you talking and working things out so that whatever happens you will feel stronger.

Sending you a big hug,

[Lostgirl]

Hi Dragonette
Good to hear from you.  Yes, I have totally left behind all notions of whether my husband is gay/bisexual etc and got rid of the labels.  What is, is.  We have had lots of talks every night this past week and I realise it is just an addiction, a need to be dominated, let out his feminine side and for that few moments/hours forget everthing else - unfortunately that includes me.  As you say, he isn't attracted to men but it is a compulsion.  One he has controlled for the past year and a half, but I am not so naive to not realise that this is only because of the circumstance ie HIV, his being ill for a good part of the past year, the fact I am here and know everything and he is barely out of my sight apart from at work.  Comes home on time etc etc. but were I not around for any reason I just know, and he has admitted, he would have to seek out his relief. 

At the moment talking about it, looking at porn etc seems to be enough but I don't think that will always be the case.  Hence, my decision.  Do I stay or do I go?  We have had a wonderful 15 years together - lots of love and laughter.  But I don't think I can live with him knowing what I know.  He takes care of me, and cares deeply for me, I have a good life, but I feel like a shell - no soul, no heart, just deep emptiness.  Well, not quite.  I do have compassion and caring.  But when I told him this in bed last night, he looked at me and said 'Now that I have found myself, you have lost yourself' and that was it exactly. I don't know where I am, or who I am any more.  It will work out.  We'll take our time and do what is best for everone.

Oh and don't worry about me catching anything else!  Sex is but a distant memory now!  Just hugs and kisses!  Seriously tho, I have told him how worried I would be about his health should he stray again.  Too many risks out there.
Hugs
L

[TreDai]

LG, I read your post and this is what i have to say after much prayer.....If you have peace about leaving and starting over,that is what you do. You are a strong woman,